Husband and I took my mom in four months ago, agreeing that we would take her in (on my siblings' request -- 7 of them!... 6 older and 1 younger) and my siblings would help take her to her doctor appointments, get her address changed and other obligations taken care of. Unfortunately, the majority of them ended up doing nothing. On top of that, when I pretty much pleaded for their help as promised, they started attacking me, cursing my family and my children "ten folds", saying we were going to hell, for us to stay away from them as we are no longer part of their family, etc. We no longer talk to my siblings.
I attended a family meeting a couple of months ago and couldn't believe my ears when my mother lied to them about my husband and I right in front of me. It was very hurtful and I was told by another sister that my mom said a bunch of things to her separately, i.e., she asked me to translate some paperwork for her and I just yelled at her, husband and I don't cook for her, etc. My mom has never been an easy person to live with. I am 26 years old and haven't lived with her since I was 12. I work full-time and I also go to school.
With all of this drama, especially the fact that my siblings don't do anything for my mom (as promised) but have the audacity to attack us repeatedly, my husband wants my mom out. I understand where he is coming from as I have been stressed out to the max as well. My grades were falling and I became very scattered at work. I also started to fall into a depression and sometimes thought about leaving my mom and my husband alone in the home. My husband says either she goes, or he goes. We have two little girls together. My siblings keep saying they'll find an alternate home for her but it's been over one month and we were told they haven't done so.
I honestly can't live with my mom, but I feel guilty for not letting her stay. Of course we are just trying to pressure the siblings to meet their end of the bargain and find her a place already. I just hate being stuck in the middle of it all. Help?!
They have many suggestions and are a wealth of knowledge. Not knowing your mother's financial situation - I would start with Elder Services and go from there. You will figure something out even if it is on your own. Thinking of you.
I also agree with all the advice to seek out, on your own a care facility, for your mother. I am amazed that with all you already have on your plate, you can adequately care for you Mom anyway. Your first responsibility is to your husband and children. If your siblings see that you are at the end of your rope, they may step up and begin to help out but don't count on it.
Moore2come
The thought of being single with two children and a dependent is so much worse than the guilt of finding an alternative for your mom where she may be better off.
Either way, good luck to you and I look forward to seeing your updates.
I questioned why you left home at 12? Did the others leave young too? You are taking on a great responsibility, you and your husband have to be calm and talk. You are still a mommy and your children deserve the best of you both. It can be done, but do you want too? I really wanted too because my mom was a great mom and is all alone. It is hard on us, but after 4 years, we have adjusted. But the first year was just awful, and the second wasn't much better, but after that, it has been okay.
My seven siblings still all hate me, have excluded me from what they now call "their family," and are trying to make me feel guilty for not being able to handle taking care of my mom on top of my already very full plate, but I am just trying to move forward with my life with my children and husband. I've thought a lot about getting professional help outside of this website because the siblings have just been so cruel to me that the pain lingers.
Again, thanks everyone!!
Don't wait for siblings to step up...if they haven't already it is likely they will not no matter how much begging or pleading (based on my experience).
tlhanger: My husband and I voiced our concerns to my siblings from the beginning and said we wouldn't be able to add more onto our plate at this time. After a couple of months, I found myself unable to get our of bed for anything. I'm sure I was falling into depression and that's when i said I had had enough. I begged everyone for help and that certainly did not help. It just made things worse. I spoke to my dad the other day (my parents are divorced) and he said he talked to my oldest brother and that my oldest brother had said the only reason why they all gained up on me and yelled at me was because I refused to allow anyone to come visit my mom. Such bull****!!! I begged them to come see her because if not, I'd have to hear her nag about it. I had to hear her nag about them not answering her calls or them not visiting or helping her out. I had to deal with everything and I was tired of it. I got a list from the county of Home Caretakers but my mom rejected the list because there was no one on the list who spoke her language (she doesn't speak english). She then went and told everyone that husband and I won't allow her to have a caretaker. I was wondering if my mom could be developing dementia but I don't know too much about that disease. I will definitely look into it more.
At the age of 12, I left to stay with my dad because my mom was abusive. She was a great mom but from time to time, she'd let her loneliness and bitterness get the best of her. I wanted to rebuild our relationship once she moved in but that certainly did not help. I thought having her be around my kids, especially my cute little 20 month old, would make her happier but she's still the same person and although I love her, it hurts to be around her. I'm glad things are working out for you and your mother. I just can't say the same for me. And now that I'm the "bad guy" according to my siblings, I just really want to focus on moving on with my life. I hope one day they'll realize but knowing them, I doubt they ever will.
Thanks again.
yes, please do seek counseling. i have found it to be of tremendous help as i have a toxic mother and it has colored my whole life. i've let go of her and my toxic brother and life is a lot brighter now.
i feel so blessed with my little sister. she is ten years younger and pretty much I was her mommy because our mother is no mommy at all, so we are very close. on everything concerning mother we are in complete agreement.