Husband wants mom out. Is this normal? Should I be understanding of him?

Wow, I am astonished at how common this problem is in America. Have you tired contacting your local department on aging? They sometimes have respite for caretakers. Plus, if you contact your local care givers alliance they have counseling, and can help with placements, especially if the sibling are unwilling to help. I have found that one's local care giver alliance agency can extremely helpful in situation such as this.

You Mom may have slight dementia which may be causing her parionia, she may be "lying" but in her head she sees it as her truth.
This situation is not working for you, your family, and your mother. I would suggest finding a nice nursing home for her in an area close for all your siblings to visit. My guess though is you'll still be the one making the majority of the decisions. I hope you have your POA in place.
You need some peace back in your life. I wish you luck.

Chi and Mystique: You are on the right track. Love yourselves and leave the rest behind. I know it's hard because you are leaving much of your history behind too in terms of family. There is bond or connection there, like it or not. The history may be troubled, but these are the people you shared it with, so it is a loss to not receive their understanding.

I'm sorry you are hurting, but you are very strong people and I have a lot of respect for you and others who share your background.

I think you are all so wise to just cut the cancer, so to speak, out of your lives and move forward into a brighter future.

Sending you lots of love and white light. Cattails

I could have written that piece of prose myself, I'm afraid. There is not much worse than being misunderstood.

Yes, it is,

As I process this stuff, a friend posted this [below], as she was going thru similar
--it just seems to be an indicator of how prevalent this condition is in our society--PERHAPS those of us who are awake to the need for withdrawing from this, to remove ourselves from "feeding that machine", are the ones who will end up effecting a greater change towards sanity in society!

"FYI: When I turn my back on a confrontation and walk away, it's not because I'm wrong, guilty or ashamed.
It is because it's impossible to present the truth to those who refuse to see it.
So yes, I do turn away, and I hang my head to cry because I am grieving the loss of another opportunity to be seen as I really am.
It is heartbreaking to know that anyone could think so poorly of me.
I can't imagine how devastating it will be when they finally see the truth and they realize they have been wrong for so many years, and how many lost opportunities for joy they destroyed in the process.
How terribly, terribly sad."~~Willow Raine Frosty

You are the normel one and are wise enough to realize they will never change-they are the losers-you do not need toxic people in your life.

Chimonger:

"Grieving loss of family--kinda like losing not just a parent I never really could have, but 4 siblings lost, as well.
Grief processing.

IF any of them try to reconcile, I am not sure I could;
I feel tooo fragile to tolerate even ONE more nasty comment or bullying remark/behavior from ANYone, and couldn't trust them to be truly nice.

I no longer believe they are capable of being genuinely nice/loving/kind.
I no longer even try to spend one minute with anyone who is less than sincere in being nice/loving/kind. Not from them, nor anyone.
I refuse to knowingly allow habitual bullies back into my life."

I feel the exact same way as you do. I have seven siblings, 6 of which don't talk to me anymore. It's tough but I'm just happy to be able to focus on my husband and daughters now. If they truly wanted a spot in my life, they would have at least tried to understand me. I did so much research on how I felt and still feel re: this issue to find that I'm, in fact, normal. It's them who are being nothing but nasty and mean to me. I won't tolerate being stepped on anymore by them. And now that my mother isn't living with me anymore, I'm just trying to move forward with my life and focus on the real important things and people who do appreciate me. Hang in there. :)

PunchNJudy,
Unfortunately, my sibs from that part of family, have continued some of Mom's behaviors.
We have all gone above and beyond the call of duty taking care of Mom, helping her out, for our entire lives--Mom always needed help from relatives, too. Usually, Mom got help from one or another of us or other family, in secret--it made it so much easier for her to manipulate us all later, depending on what her goals were.
This has been part of Mom's behaviors all her life--that was straight from her own mother, and from my observations...it is boggling that my sibs could fail to notice that!

The sister who took to hanging up in my ear, as far as I can tell, had trouble processing input--she's had some brain injuries worse than mine. She is usually "sweet", and so helpful a person---but it is a thin veneer over her own dysfunction, troubles and stress levels
--some inherited from Mom et al, and some of her own, that kinda got that way with the "great start in life" Mom gave us.

Since Mom has targeted me to "cut me from her herd" [a COMMON action taken by dysfunctional people], my other sibs have followed suit, currying favor with her, wanting to show themselves as somehow caring for her better than we did here---
Though, NONE of them jumped to volunteer to have Mom stay with them when things had to be handled back then.
ALL of them became kinda "scarce".
AND, Mom begged and pleaded with me to please bring her up to live at our place.
Since I had promised Gma I would be here when the time came, I felt, no matter what, that was the time to do that.
I did it as long as I could.
It darn near killed me [literally], and just about did in my DH, too, from dealing with the stress levels that DQ dished out--she can spin on a dime faster and in more ways than a whirling dervish!

2 of them, at various times told me: "I don't know why you moved mom with you, you didn't need to do that, she coulda stayed with us!"
[[AFTER the move was done, and far AFTER us hospicing her dying spouse, and far AFTER Mom had begun to lie like a rug to complain about how terrible it was living here.]]
One of them had repeatedly said Mom was never to be allowed to stay with them, ever, for any length of time [opposite of his comment Mom could have stayed with them].
Another one said "I never have any trouble with Mom, she is fine with us." --although she beat feet to change their spare bedroom into something else, once Mom had stayed there for a few months.
A third one gave that half-hearted "Mom could always come stay with us", even though she has brain injuries, health issues, and a sick DH herself--the one who took to hanging up in my ear.
All I could think of was the epic conflict between Mom & her, years back, that was surface-resolved; that artful "politeness" could crack in an instant...and how hurt she always got when Mom pulled her whammies.
The 4th one simply lives too far away, and had moved far from Mom long ago--while he says it was so he could get to know his Dad, it was also clear it was to escape Moms' treatment of him.

...And I failed to protect them from her now, because I simply was unable to tolerate Mom's bad behaviors a minute longer, it was so blindingly more than "moodiness" [as one sib quaintly put it]!
The promise made to G'ma decades back, just couldn't be fulfilled by me.

Now one of them has her in their house, and did it by being sucked into Mom's games, and, against her own good sense. Her health issues tell on her stress levels.
None are talking with me, based on Mom's accusations
--even though they know her habits from past episodes.
--hurt? you bet--more like destroyed--not just from Mom's verbals and physicals while here, but my sibs behaviors..

Grieving loss of family--kinda like losing not just a parent I never really could have, but 4 siblings lost, as well.
Grief processing.

IF any of them try to reconcile, I am not sure I could;
I feel tooo fragile to tolerate even ONE more nasty comment or bullying remark/behavior from ANYone, and couldn't trust them to be truly nice

Only ONE of them gave a half-hearted "thank you for taking care of Mom"--balanced against the abundance of nasty remarks.

I no longer believe they are capable of being genuinely nice/loving/kind.
I no longer even try to spend one minute with anyone who is less than sincere in being nice/loving/kind. Not from them, nor anyone.
I refuse to knowingly allow habitual bullies back into my life.

I am getting some counseling, caring for health issues for me and spouse, trying to keep our health levels up so we can at least deal with daily living.
We have lost a great deal, related to Mom, while the rest of them got gifts/money from her.

I feel so tired, so close to running into the woods screaming, or disappearing down the road--screw 'em all!

Dear Abby had a letter today, from a gal who admitted she and her sibs treated their good Mom like trash, because arrogant Dad divorced her, and promised/given the kids money--guess who the kids sucked up to? Yep--now the one kid feels contrite, is sorry for treating her so bad--but felt it was too late to reconcile with Mom, since Mom had quietly moved away, faded into who knows where after so many years of being treated so badly by her kids.
Bless Abby, who advised her to hire a detective to find Mom, and to actually reconcile with her.
Would love to know how that turns out.

I am NOT holding my breath that my sibs would ever try to reconcile--they are collectively too stubborn/proud--qualities which helped them survive, though!
The idea of disappearing entirely, so they do not know where I am, is extremely tempting
--if I suddenly found just the right place, I might..
At least I would not have to worry about being broad-sided by their bad behaviors again, nor having to try to risk figuring if they are genuine in wanting to reconcile.
--I do not believe any of them have a genuine bone in their bodies
--if they did, they would remember that what Mom has been accusing me of, has never historically been part of my behavior or personality.
But then, they spent far more years living with her, than I did....so they have taken on more layers of her behaviors than I did, I think.
I cannot change them.
I cannot change Mom.
I can only work on fixing me.
IF I allow getting hooked in their fantasy games again, I risk wrecking whats left of my life. Unwilling to do that.
I wish them well.
I wish them well.
I wish them well.

Chimonger, I can't even believe your sister did not appreciate your candor and concern. She should have thanked you instead of getting angry and hanging up. You are so right--things do not change, and in some cases that "sweetness'' is just a facade, that is used to manipulate. If they were miserable young people, they will be miserable old people, with infirmities added into the mix-making it go from the ridiculous to the sublime.

PamelaSue--
So right!
My sibs STILL fell for it, even though they all know how Mom has been all her life.
One sister, who had had to shut Mom out of her life for a few years related to Mom's terrible behaviors, told me:
"Mom can always come stay with us for awhile"
---I just softly told her
"P, please do not do that! You know how Mom was to you before--its harder now!"
She got very angry with me and hung up in my ear!

We all want desperately to believe in the good side of Mom's behaviors--we have hungered for her to be a sweet, nurturing, supportive Mom--but she has too often not been able to do that for her kids. She did the best she could, given her personal circumstances, but it left all of us with broken hearts.

As age, infirmity and injury have taken their tolls on her mental capacities, the "sweet" periods get fewer, shorter, and farther between.
That is what happens.
Be wise enough to know your limits--dreaming things to be do-able, does not make them so.

trying to explain this to people is just like trying to tell a toddler, "NO, DON'T TOUCH THE STOVE IT'S HOT!"

we can say it a bazillion times over and they will still walk up and. . . OWWWWWWWWWW. . . !

if you ever ever had a difficult relationship with your parent or your in-laws. if they are or were abusive to ANYONE at ANYTIME, DO NOT take them into your home!

DH's perspective, after similar happening here:
"Having spent 6 years of similar situation:
get Mom into assisted living, ASAP!"
Signed, Husband who's been there.
Additional advice? He offered to correspond with anyone who wanted his perspectives on similar situations:


Yes, preacher. Yes, very tolerant. A gentle man with troubles of his own, agreed to allow Mom to live with us when she begged to be here, watched helplessly as Mom destroyed family relations both in our home and between me and my siblings,
and saw Mom do her level best to destroy me.
And NEVER said an unkind word nor about about forcing her to move, even though he thought it.
SIX years of this, no recrimination about my bringing her here with her dying spouse.
He is a treasure--most guys would have booted Mom to the curb long ago..

Now we are healing [takes much time] ourselves, getting health help for him, for me, and doing what can be done to reconcile with our kids, and to try to resume our goals before it is too late.
I am NOT holding my breath for reconciliation with my sibs, though: they seem so sucked into Mom's dysfunctional behaviors---it felt physically sickening to even think about trying to contact Mom or them, once Mom was moved to one of their homes.
They make up their reality based on what Mom said or did, regardless of whether it is based in reality, and despite knowing Mom has done this sort of things all her life to one or the other of us over decades.
When this happens, all one can do is grieve losses and carry on.
I cannot carry their baggage;
I refuse to allow them to visit Mom's fears accusations and behaviors on me anymore.

I do not know if you have the strength to do that, but I hope you do!

Definitely consider your husband and his wishes. Caregiving is not easy, especially with a husband, children and a job. This situation has already taken a toll on you, your husband, your marriage, your job. You have done more than your part and it's beyond time for the rest of the family to step up. Unfortunately, more often than not, only one or two family members will do so. There are many organizations that will help you find a suitable place for your mom for free!
We found a wonderful place for my dad through such an agency in CA. Start with this website - AgingCare.com. It will be a good start to making your situation liveable once again. Ask your family to visit the board & care homes, assisted living, etc., that have been pre-screened by the agency with you and your mom. If they don't, then you know they are not really interested in offering the least bit of help. It's a time consuming process but in the long run you will find that it was the best decision you could have made for yourself and all involved. Don't delay...

Get rid of the guilt. Seek out a Nursing Home/Advanced Assisted Living Facility, by searching the yellow pages, the computer listings, the references from Senior Housing and any place that you can find. Pay for it by working and seeking financial assistance. You are only 26 ! Help yourself . This is your life.

he/she is sooooooooooooooooooo gone!

Heeheehee. Matthew? May I introduce you to the sistas of the KAW? You barked up the wrong tree!!!! Snicker snicker snort snort

I feel so sorry for you. I took both my parents in and it was terrible! After my dad died, my mom continued to live with us for overa year. I have 6 siblings and none of them helped!! My husband had to do way more than his share of taking care of my parents including bathing, cooking, emptying nasty pots, giving enemas. He was so good to do anything to help me but it became overwhelming. One day he told me that he didn't enjoy coming home anymore. I hated he felt that way, but I too like you felt like I was caught in the middle. He hated my siblings for dumping all the responsiblity on us. We never got a break and we both worked full time. My mom had no money to hire help. I depended on my neighbor and father in law to help when we were at work. As a result, my husband ended up cheating on me. We are still together but look at the pain we have suffered all because my siblings would not help out. I finally moved her into an apartment for elderly and got her signed up for home health. I still have to go take care of her 2 to 3 days a week but it's much better than every day. You are so young and I agree that your husband and kids should come first. I didn't do that and I have regretted it. I just want to give you a hug because I know how you feel. You hang in there and I'll be praying for you.

Mystique--I just read your post from a few days ago that a sister is taking your mother. I am so glad to hear someone stepped up to the plate to help out--something I did not think would happen from your original post. They still need to band together to share some of the work entailed and ultimately, if it becomes a case of her needing round the clock care, they will ALL see how it impacts their lives. There are some parents that simply cannot be cared for at home, no matter how much you do not want to see them in a facility. Good luck--hope you and your husband get any and all help you need to get your marriage and family back on track.

i am reporting him/her too. i would like to say i have never met a more disgusting person passing themselves off as christian, but that would be a lie.

Matthew: I have a hard time believing that God would want you for his representative. You are a heartless fool with only one message. And I wonder how good a job you did taking care of anyone. You are so focused on your so called word of God that it is hard for me to believe that you could ever understand a fellow human being.

I have never reported another person on this site, but I have reported you. You are a sick person. You give no comfort, just lectures. Please enjoy your lectures, but keep them to yourself. If you are a man, my guess is someone else did all the work while you sat on your fat biblical ass and preached. Go away and as the scripture says, F**f off.

Matthew....you've been reported again. I'll keep reporting your nasty posts every time you make one until you're banned. Booted. See ya. I've never seen someone more mean or ignorant.

PS to Matthew--for a Christian, you should have already known that calling someone "Sweetheart" was a sarcastic and condescending way to address Mystique. You can easily look at the topic post and see the person's name. If this is the kind of attitude that your church perpetrates, then you are in the wrong kind of church. Tolerance, acceptance of everyone, and allow God to do the judging.

Matthew, you sure barked up the wrong tree, coming here and proselytizing like this. The God I worship is a kind and merciful God and knows your heart better than you know it yourself. When you take your marriage vows, you CLEARLY say that you will forsake ALL OTHERS. Your husband comes before anyone and anything else and vice versa. Try to keep in mind as well that not everyone has caring and loving parents, either. Though you may not know this or possibly relate to it, there are some parents who have abused their children verbally, physically, for their whole lives, and separated themselves from their children. As another poster said on another topic, the only obligation you have as a child is to provide in the case of destitution. You do what you can, but you still keep your own spouse and children first. There are situations that prevent even the most well-meaning child to take in and care for a parent or parents. Try to remember that and practice true Christianity. We NEVER sit in judgment on this site NOR do we ever boast about how superior we are because of taking care of a parent.

Hey everyone, check this out:

matthew24242424
Location: Los Angeles, CA

I am caring for someone, living at independent living.


he/she doesn't have to deal with or take care of his/her parents on a daily basis, he/she has no real idea of the genuinely hard work all of you do. this nasty mean rotten pretend christian has no business telling any of you anything.

so don't listen to him/her. ignore and report all comments that use religion to preach for they are against the rules in here.

DEAR matthew24242424,

Clearly, facilities are not perfect, but those are what we have.
Some are better than others.
Facilities can do the heavy/difficult care families cannot, for elders with problems families are simply not equipped to handle.
This can allow a graceful distance in which family limits their visits, which can potentially help them develop memories of a few "nice" conversations or events during visits, so they have something nice to remember of that person when they are gone, instead of only the bad memories of how that person caused harm, drilled into their brains.

Please take heed:
One of my Great-Gma's had an attitude kinda like yours, matthew24242424.
Stuck with an abusive husband, for over 60 years, brow-beaten by her church to stick with him. Their 3 children grew up with abusive behaviors to one degree or another, and perpetrated them to their children.
I still have a letter she wrote, saying she didn't understand why my Gma couldn't stick with her son, Gma's husband, despite him trying to cut Gma's throat in sober anger. [no, GreatGma didn't mention that in the letter--that event was told to me by Gma while explaining how the scar got on her neck].
Gma managed to stay with her abusive spouse until their 2 kids were teens
--just after the throat cutting incident, when she said "that's enuf!!".
She tried all she could to keep that marriage together, unwittingly subjecting the kids [my Mom and Uncle] to the turmoil and damage that kind of relationship causes.

Mother brought some of those abusive behaviors forward from generations before her, despite trying to prevent them [so did my Uncle], and a twisted need to have a husband who would "do battle" with her [she found him on the 3rd try; she divorced away 2 husbands before finding the 3rd guy].
Mom was damaged from growing up in an abusive household and extended family, compounded by the church mandates to honor parents, etc. guilting---it helped escalate her bipolar behaviors, caused her to develop split personalities, and started her onto substance abuse. Uncle had abusive dysfunctional behaviors, alcoholism, ended up losing a wonderful family, and died from his alcoholism, nearly alone.

Abuse is NOT protected by any "turn the other cheek" rule, either.
NO! Biblical advice never says to stay with abusive partners, NOR to keep a parent in your home who is causing destruction of / in the family unit.
Jesus and other spiritual teachers of good standing, NEVER told anyone to become a martyr in any way that caused harm to others.
That sort of guilt-tripping is terribly dysfunctional, and has to stop, if humanity is going to truly improve.
Churches, groups or individuals that promote that kind of guilt-tripping are destructive of families, people and society; this has caused harm for generations, those who promote it are in the game for their own power and control.
PLEASE save yourself from that kind of disaster!
LOVEing someone also means loving yourself.
Loving someone, as a good parent must do while bringing up children, also includes being able to set limits on childish behaviors in elders, and including recognizing when one cannot provide adequate care for their elder.

IF the family or person is being harmed by having to provide care for a sick elder, the elder needs a more suitable place to live, out of that family.
As one Gma used to say, "absence makes the heart grow fonder".
Giving the elder proper care in a facility, or at a different family member's home, is better than allowing the situation to destroy people who can no longer withstand constant verbal, mental and emotional abuse from an elder they are trying to care for, or being physically and financially wiped out from single-handed 24/7 caregiving.

Helping an elder get proper care in a facility, IS taking the high road of providing proper care--of both the elder and the family they come from--that is LOVE--and LOVE is what Good Books from all time and all religions have taught.

Mathew24242424, she has enough on her plate without being guilted by you or the word of Christ. The Bible does say that your family comes first, i.e., husband and children. When your daughter marries she becomes whole with her husband and children and leaves the parent's nest. I am not saying she should abandon her mother, but if she is not well, who will take care of her mother. Taking care of someone 24/7 is incredibly hard and stressful on its own. I can't even imagine working and going to school at the same time while taking care of my family. Sometimes if you don't know or haven't lived it you should keep your comments to yourself. I live it and I can tell you from experience it affects every part of your life. This site is for positive support, not the guilt treatment. We have enough of that without you adding to it.

Amen, vstefans!

(((((((((MystiqueMay)))))))))))) how are you and yours doing. I can only support that husband and children come first, and as for siblings - if they are not true friends too, then you are better off to detach and distance, and create more family by gathering around you the people who do care.

I feel a need to defend Christianity against Matthew...the Bible simply does not say what he says it does. We are to HONOR our parents, and destroying ourselves and our families does not honor them; we are to cleave to our spouses and we are to live peaceably with others AS FAR AS IT DEPENDS ON US which is not necessarily to the point of accepting all kinds of abuse to oneself and other innocent family members, especially children. It is true that prayer may bring us to answers that we have not thought of, and I can't count the times I have done all I could come up with and was given what was really needed instead... Matthew, PLEASE don't be assuming your interpretation is always right, I have learned I have been wrong many times, and it can come across as so hateful!

Thank you Ladee. *smile*