Husband wants mom out. Is this normal? Should I be understanding of him?

Comment to suzmarie. Before I would judge this husband too severely I would say consider that this situation can put such an enormous strain on a marriage that it is within the realm of reasonable that at some point he has to put his foot down. He has allowed this woman, who was not very good to her daughter growing up, into his home and has taken on her care as well. Anything you do when married should be
'done' together. His privacy, his wife's attention and his ability to give her his attention, is all greatly restricted when a person is brought into the home. Again, as a married couple, that relationship must come first, because children need to be in a loving and stable home. Very often, parents believe that all their lives - because "I gave you life" - their children are indebted primarily to them. I believe that as parents we are called to take on the full responsibility of raising our children, our gifts from God, and then they move on, grown up and do the same for their kids. Helping parents doesn't mean letting them suck the lifeblood from your marriage and separate existence as an adult.
A family acquaintance of mine once had her mother, who was diagnosed with terminal cancer, come live with her. At the time she had a 12 year old son at home and was married. Their home was such that the master bedroom was on the main floor and two small bedrooms were upstairs. The husband and wife vacated their own room for her mother, who couldn't climb stairs. Her prognosis was about 4-6 months. With the wonderful care this woman gave her mother, she lived over 2 years. By the time she passed away (I was there with them that day) this caregiver's hair was falling out, she was having severe anxiety attacks, pulled her shoulder out and barely could move it from lifting and bathing her mother, and she and her husband were constantly 'at' each other. Their son took to things like super gluing the coffee pot to the counter and slashing tires in the neighborhood. The stress was so huge that, even with Hospice to help and other family and friends, a counselor finally was brought into the picture who advised her that she needed to get her mother out of there. Really, had she known that it would be over two years I am certain they would have figured something out differently. Her mother had very little money so Medicaid would have definitely been the way to go, in a nursing home close by with her 'being there' to make sure she was well cared for. And once someone is 'in' it is very hard to get them out. There are very good reasons to have boundaries and to say "this is what I can do, nothing more" honestly. If other people judge you or talk about you it really doesn't matter. It is YOUR life.

Thanks for replying. Gee, I never had brothers or sisters, now I don't feel so bad about that. Don't let them get you down. You are doing the right thing. If possible, try to give your younger sister a break every once in while, as it sounds like she is stepping in a hornets nest too. Families are a blessing........sometimes. Hope you and your husband can get away for a few days after this is done. Somehow, I feel this isn't all over yet. Blessings.

ladee well put I can only hope he takes his venom someplace else-I am a commited christian but he reallt gets on my last nerve.

Have ya'll ever noticed that it is the Bible thumping shaming Christians that are never wrong, have no room for others ideas or beliefs, and will get the most angry when challenged...Guess my loving caring forgiving God allows these folks on here to make us grateful we are just mere mortals walking a path of trying to do the right things for the right reasons..... and PamelaSue, I loved your comment," you will know them by the Love they show...".... doesn't mean we have to be brow beat into hellfire and brimstone..... There is also Karma matthew, you get back what you throw out in the world... I'll pray for you, you need the prayers and I need the practice...nuff said...

Wow, matthew242424, you sure know how to give religion a bad name.

matthew242424, NO GUILT IS ALLOWED IN THIS PLACE! take your damned freaking christian guilt and get the hell out. if it bothers you so much, you come right on and take her mother into YOUR house! people like you give Christ a black eye!

notice everyone how he never offers a solution? that's because pretend christians, the kind who offer nothing but shame and guilt, never do. all they offer is pain while they pretend to better than we are.

there are caregivers in this place who are honest, loving, caring, true Christian men and women, you will know them by the LOVE they show.

this man is false through and through and he and his ilk disgust me beyond all measure. be gone you demon!

@ Capemaywatch--much of the reason my mother was able to kick me to the curb after she got into her fancy AL facility was because when her needs were met, she had no use for me. Prior to that she had no qualms about calling me, whining and complaining about how mistreated she was at my brother's house! I feel so much better reading Rovana's post, that no one should have to suffer abuse. I don't understand why there is not great appreciation for someone who was always there for you, but I can tell you it is very hurtful. Mystique, you are WAY too young to be dealing with things like this and your husband being young wants his privacy and to enjoy his wife and family as any young man would, but I hope he does not burden you with any more undue pressure. It isn't going to help things much and only stress her more. Ask that he be patient and tell him you are seeking help to work it all out. Let him know that it is not helping you any for him to build anger about the situation. You being the kind person you are was much of the reason why he married you in the first place, I'm betting.

You should find out about your mother's financial situation. If she has limited funds, you need to go to Social Service and fill out an application for medicaid. You will need to get the Social worker to help you find a place for her to go. This will be based upon her needs for care. The others are going to get really mad at you. You do not need to listen to them. They are manipulating you into this situation by trying to make you do what they don't want to do. You need to do what is right for you and your family.Not what your brothers and sisters want YOU to do. It is your life and your business not theirs. If one of them want to take her into their home, fine,wash your hands of the whole deal and do not look back and blame yourself. You mentioned that you had not lived with her since you were 12. This was a bad situation to begin with. The others are just dumping on you. Don't take it anymore for the sake of your husband and children.

To Rovana: Your post is really wonderful and it has made me feel much better about my own situation. I have always felt it is NOT a child's responsibility to take complete charge of parents' happiness, but many on this site will say we 'owe' it to our parents because they took care of US and gave us birth. Well, I have two children and I would never ever expect them to take care of me or insure my happiness and entertainment. I did my utmost but it continually flew in my face until this last spring when I finally said 'enough' and after she got into a lovely AL facility, I never saw or spoke to her again and it has been a lovely existence. I think 64 years of trying and crying is quite enough. So, thanks for the advice--I don't know if it helped this poor 26 yr. old young lady, but it certainly helped me. Sending you a hug.

Your sanity and well being are at stake. Your mother sounds like mine. I have no brothers or sisters. I am 60 years old and have had my mother tell people untrue things about me and sometimes doing so as I walk into the room. She was in a rehab for a fall and she had an audience as she was living alone up until then.
Enough about my mother. I would call somebody for assistance to help you get her into a place and please do not feel guilty about it.
As for your siblings, stories like this make me feel releieved that I was the only one.
I always knew in my heart that if I had a brother or sister that my mother would have pitted us against each other. She likes to see people not content with life.
A very bad character flaw and it took me to this age to finally see it.

Here is a question that I haven't seen addressed by you or others. Does your mother have the funds to be placed in a facility? As far as others suggesting you insist on help from your siblings, good luck with that--they have disassociated themselves with her, so that is of no value to this young woman. What I do agree with is your right to your life, and to provide a happy home for your husband and children. It is a shame you got snookered into this, but let's have someone on this site give you some concrete suggestions as to what can be done to place her in the event she does have some funds. Also, what has your mother said to you? Has she said "I hate it here and I want out" much like my own mother said about my brother's house (she did move out) or does she feel as though she has no other options whether she likes it there or not? Why did you take her in, was she ill? Lost her home or lease? Does she have financial security? If she does NOT, perhaps she may qualify for medicaid assistance? I don't know where you live, but try to give a little more information. There are many people on this site who have excellent resources and suggestions, but give a little more info about finances, is your mother of sound mind, how your mother feels about living with you and also, one last question. Does you mother communicate with your siblings presently? In the meantime, do not hesitate to let your mother know that it is your home, and your husband and children come first and she is going to have to understand that, under no uncertain terms. Trust a few of us on here who can tell you that the manipulation and entitlement of some parents can be all consuming. Sounds as though your siblings may be using psychology, protesting loudly and picking fights so that they would have an excuse to walk away and dump this on you, the sweet one. Good luck, honey. We're all thinking about you and waiting for more info.

Chimonger, I really appreciated your post. Good, practical ideas for dealing with a miserable, emotional situation. What do you recommend after you say that Mom can't live her any longer? How would you advise handling this if Mom refuses to look for alternatives, makes it clear she is not going to cooperate or tries to stonewall?

Your husband and children come before parents, extended family, etc. Please don't let anyone guilt you into thinking otherwise. This is in the Bible, by the way. God does not expect any of His children to put up with abuse - if someone is telling you otherwise, they are lying. You have a duty to protect your own health, your family life - this always comes before any duty to parents. Our responsibility to parents is simply to help them in case of destitution. Nothing more...We are not responsible for making them happy, for going along with their preferences about where they are going to live (unless they are entirely financing and handling themselves, in which case that is their business). First thing to do is inform family that Mom is not going to continue to live in your home - and follow the advice about not explaining, arguing, giving reasons. This is your decision that you have the right to make and they have no say in it. Therefore, no discussion. Also, warn Mom that things are changing so she had best cooperate in finding alternative living arrangements. But make sure that she understands that your decision stands - she is not going to change your mind, any foot dragging or argument on her part will not result in her continuing to live with you. You would be wise to not depend at all on your siblings. It is unfair, but this is one of those things where you need to have control, to be in the driver's seat. You might read the posts by Survived2 about this type of situation with her mother. It reached the point where she had to have Mom evicted, an extreme measure, but it saved her sanity, and her family. No need to feel guilt - You have done your best by Mom, but she does not appreciate it - so she needs to take charge of her life, and stop manipulating others. God bless.

Your husband and your children come first. My mom threw me down for her mother. She made sure her mother had everything she needed. i got the scraps. I still hold that against her after all these years. Do you want your children to think you have thrown them down for your mother.? They need you. A child needs their mother. A mother with grown children doesn't need the same nurturing a child needs. This is a sad situation. Your kids need both a mother and father. Don't let this become a broken home because of your mother. If none of the others want her, try to get her placed in a home. There are resources out there to help you. You are young to be going thru this. Try to put your family first. Your mother has other children and other places she can live.

My heart goes out to you. It sounds like your mom might have a little dementia. My mom too was telling my family members that we were taking things from her, that we are liars and this and that that normally would not come out of my mom's mouth. She was acting a little off so we had her diagnosed and it came back as the beginnings to dementia. Just remember that it is the disease and not your mom talking as hard as that is. My mom has lived with use for four months now also and I never thought it would be so hard. I love her so much but she also is very demanding. Almost 50 and still lays a pretty good guilt treatment on me. :( Anyway, she is moving back in with my younger sis because we are in high altitude and she can't breath well here. Filled with such guilt.....on the one hand I am ready to have my life back...on the other, she is my mom who did everything in her power to make us happy growing up, and I can't even take care of her in her last years of life? What kind of a daughter am I? Have told my kids to put me in a nursing home and don't feel guilty about it. I wouldn't put them thru this. God be with you and your husband and kids. Love your mom, she will be fine. :)

I assume Mom has been making your lives in your home miserable, as well as breaking family ties?
AND, I bet the agreement that your sibs would help out, and in what ways, when, was only verbal?

Your husband makes very good sense!
He is also giving you an ultimatum: He is telling you Mom must leave....the spoken or IMPLIED ultimatum says "or I will leave you".
You need to clarify this with him.
Talk with him about his feelings on this.
Learn if he has been avoiding telling you things relevant to living with Mom from his perspective.
Ask him what he fears about it, or if Mom has been giving him grief behind your back, or???
It may also mean the 2 of you need some counseling, to help repair your relationships before things spin too far off-kilter.
Get that help!
We learned that, thanks to Obamacare, we now have UNlimited counseling both thru my HMO plan, and thru my spouses' VA medical--which is a vast improvement from the insurance companies only allowing 6 to 12 counseling visits annually--I think it is that way now, thru all insurance plans?

WE took Mom into our home: she BEGGED us to move her up to our place
--even though we had less income and tinier house than any of the other sibs.
I suckered for her pleadings--none of the others at that time, stepped forward.
Later, my sibs made numerous comments about "you didn't have to move mom to your place, she could have come live with us!"
Of course, by then, Mom had been feeding them "horror stories" she made up about living here. The sister who was most vocal about taking Mom then, had also been the one to totally remove all bedroom furniture from their spare room, making it into a different kind of use, after Mom had stayed there for only a few months--then making lame lying excuses for that maneuver!

NOTHING you can do will undo what Mom has done to break up family relations.
Consider that family relations were fragile to start with.
Your Mom may have no idea her words/actions achieved that breakage, since she was probly so deep into trying to get what she believes is her needs met, she never realized consequences of her lies;
WORSE, she DOES know, and it gives her a false sense of power and control, which she revels in [mine did], and will keep escalating to keep feeling that rush of power and control.
Like children, elders who have lost much [literally & figuratively], will seek attention, even bad attention, just to get close to what they want in their imaginations.

ALSO, genuinely close family relations, can usually survive things like an elder's dementia or misbehaviors, and keep their bonds.
HOWEVER, those with fragile family bonds, as in dysfunctional families, and/or when there are problems with mental health, addictive behaviors, etc., are very fragile relationships, and will break, often for good, in the face of things like this.

Elders tend to sit -isolated- way to much, allowing them to manufacture stuff in their head, then act on it as if it is true----it is, in their mind!
IF it has not gotten too far advanced, it might be almost possible to get the elder involved in socializing with her peers, to divert them from thinking it's all your fault [whatever that might be].
BUT, if she has dementia, or other common mental/emotional or addictive behaviors,- isolating- (where she stays in her room or otherwise keeps to herself and refuses hugs, refuses verbal conversation, etc) , is hard to change.

IF IT SEEMS there has already been too much damage in your family, it will pretty much keep getting worse, like a runaway train.
When it has gone so far as to split family members up, it would be difficult,
and more like throwing yourself against a brick wall, to try anything to fix it
--besides, you cannot fix someone else, only yourself.
You can still help YOUR immediate family before things get worse.

You might do very well to get help from Social Workers, and/or the "Area Agency on Aging" in your area.
Make sure other officials know what your circumstances are.

SUGGESTIONS:
1. ONLY communicate with siblings and resource people in writing, or with a witness of your choice present; or at least keep a diary of daily contacts, times, and content of conversation.
2. GET a tiny micro-cassette recorder, keep on you at all times, and record Mom's and siblings verbals; keep them in a file in case you need them.
This is not just to "catch them" in their behaviors,
AND, this ALSO helps YOU to hear what it sounds like--both what Mom or your sibs say, as well as what you say back and forth.
You would be surprised how different it sounds on tape, and how one can see the conversation differently, by listening to it on tape.
You might discover your own need to get your own verbals back on a better track, or might discover new ways to communicate better.

3. Write a formal business letter to your siblings, and send it "return receipt requested"
By taking this formal measure to enlist them into Mom's care,
they will do one of a few things:
they will refuse to accept the letter; they will accept it, but refuse to answer it; or they will answer it.
(2 of my sibs refused it; 1 waited until it was about to be returned unopened to pick it up then never answered it; the 4th received it immediately, but didn't answer it--and denied she'd gotten it when we spoke by phone the Monday after).

THE LETTER I wrote was at a Social Worker's suggestion, had all their names/address/phones across the top, like a business letter.
CONTENT is SIMPLE: cover things needing joint decision making
(I knew my sibs would never do it, because they far preferred to do verbal since they could play the "plausible deniability" game at me--say one thing one time, totally different next time--That was one of Mom's favorite games, and my sibs played it extremely well.
INCLUDE THINGS LIKE:
1. What type of mortuary/funerary preferences do you feel are what Mom wants? a. cremation; b. donation to science; c. embalm or not? d. burial where? e. Other?
2. WHO do you want to be the POA or Executor of Mom's estate?
a. All of us together; b. One? [who?]___c. Outside representative [who?]
3. IT IS immediately necessary to find a more suitable place for Mom to live;
we cannot keep her in our home any longer than it takes to find a more suitable place. (You do NOT owe them any explanation for this change!!)
a. Do you want Mom living under your roof with you? b. Do you want her to stay in an elder care facility near you? c. Do you want her to move to an elder care facility near me?

INCLUDE: whatever other questions you need, for your circumstances, to get caretaking of Mom clarified amongst you and your sibs, in writing
I made mine so they only had to circle a choice and return a copy of the letter with their answers on it: a copy returned to to me, so it was clear I could not be seen as having changed their answers!

Letter is:
LIMITED to: facts, data, specifics to do with Mom's care.
LEAVE OUT: emotional descriptors, accusations, feelings.

You will need to give them about a month
--check with the post office to learn how long it takes before the USPS returns a rejected "return receipt requested" letter.
KEEP the return receipts and the letters that get returned in a file.

At a certain point, ONE of them will likely jump to a sudden "rescue"
--that is, they may pull a sudden "move mom to a safe" place maneuver, based on Mom's accusations that you are doing her harm.
One of my sisters swooped into town [from 3 States away!], pulling a 007 maneuver--keeping it secret to the last minute. But I knew something was going on by how they acted, and a few cues given.
So I was almost prepared for someone to show up, and they did by the end of the 1st week after that letter was received.

PUT YOUR DUCKS IN A ROW as much as possible BEFORE you mail that letter. BE PREPARED: Estranged Siblings will not likely try to patch things up with you--they will keep to themselves.
Acknowledge your losses, and allow yourself to grieve.
Leave your "door open" so to speak: let THEM be the ones who cut communications: YOU always make sure they have a way to communicate with you by email or letter
--avoid phone conversations.
Part with them by saying things like:
"I wish you well", and,
"Please keep me updated on Mom's health and welfare, I care deeply."
Just know, it is common for broken family members to stay broken.

Keep breathing.
You are in good company of many who have been through stuff like this.
It WILL get better.
You WILL feel like laughing again.
Focus on putting your immediate family back together as healthy as you can.
Get help if you need to.
Keep us posted about your progress!

{{{hugs!}}}
Chi








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Hey, situations like this just plain hurt. There is no way for everyone to "win" in terms of getting what they want. I'm just going back to some of your notes in the original question that suggest Mom was telling the siblings you were being bad to her ("We no longer talk to my siblings...very hurtful and I was told by another sister that my mom said a bunch of things to her separately") SO, of course since they don't live with her day to day, and probably want to go on thinking she is mentally OK, they might not have realized - or wanted to realize - she was not telling them the correct story. I suppose that would be another "up" side to leaving Mom off with one of them - they would maybe have a little honeymoon period with her and then would get to see what you see, and maybe realize that you have not been abusive or neglectful after all!! I am going to put in a prayer that your family relationships could all be healed - I grew up with my mom getting into it with her brother and them missing out on seeing aunts and uncles and cousins for many years, which I regret...and they had a lot less to argue over than you do, so it was REALLY a waste and a sad thing for us.

Its hard Ive been taking care of my mother with ALS for 12yrs..my kids have lost out my husband our family I had to go back to work because shortly after we moved to Fl from Va my husband had heartattack and became disabled..Ive been wanting to put her in NH home its harder than people think you dont just google an poof..Now if she can do assisted living there easier.TLE

Me again! I was just reading some of the other answers if you are looking for assisted living thats not so hard but these people dont realise for a NH its a pain just googling doesnt work theres more to it. TLE

welcome to my world, i am stuck in taking care of my kids dad and his sister does not want any part of it at all.. I asked her to help me out and she says i am to busy i work 2 jobs and have 2 young children and don't have time. I took care of her parents until they passed away while she has the good life and we have no life. No family time, kids cannot be left alone with him, someone has to be home with him, don't trust his cooking has habit in forgetting to turn stove off, so on. So my life is on hold and so our my kids until we get him into place. Doctor has paperwork to fill out and just a waiting game from here on.. My daughter and i have our hands full, ,college on hold she says no time, i work nites and she watches my kids and take them to school, then comes home until i get home and not working cause she is so stressed out with her dad she says i have no life at all. We as a family are the care giver for him for now until we get him placed somewhere and he is only 49 yrs old and has DEMENTIA... I wish you luck, take on the responsibility and do what you have to do, don't wait on help from sibling, they want no part of it. Talk to doctor and go from there and see where you can place her.

Siblings!! AHHHh! I know the feeling. I have one that HATES me for ??? I don't really know. She says the most hateful things about me and my kids. Says that I MADE my mom this way because I LIKE to change diapers?? And that I am doing this so I can steal everything from my parents for myself?? Ha! She says I spent all their money... Nope, they still have it, thanks to me. A nursing home WOULD have taken it. I used to work as a nurse in nursing homes... now she is constantly saying how much she HATES all nurses, and doctors too, but especially NURSES!! "They should all be in prison!!" ?? She has completely lost her mind and I am getting the brunt of her hate. All because I care for my parents and have done my best to not be a burden on any of them. I have lived here with them for almost 2 years with NO help from any of the other 4 living siblings... no thanks... nothing. But I am the bad guy. (girl)

Bayoubaby, i just want to thank you for your "drop mom off for a visit at siblings and leave her there" answer way back there! with siblings like this i think it is a great idea.

i feel so blessed with my little sister. she is ten years younger and pretty much I was her mommy because our mother is no mommy at all, so we are very close. on everything concerning mother we are in complete agreement.

Please go and talk to a professional. Most insurance plans cover at least a few visits to a counselor. I had to do this very thing when my mother was so mean to me. It was a lifeline and reminded me that the only person whose feelings I was responsible for was my own. That is an easy thing to say and much harder to do but I am doing better with it every day. The counselor will talk thru things with you and you will find great comfort in knowing that you are doing the right thing for you and your family. I think your siblings will have a rude awakening when your sister starts having "problems with mom". Even if they don't you still have your husband and children. Remember that "family" is a place where you feel loved, appreciated, and nurtured. Maybe your siblings can not be your "family" right now but they may come around. Put your arms around your husband and children and focus on yourselves for awhile. Your mom will be fine! We are all thinking about you.

Thank you so much, PamelaSue. Thanks for understanding me.

Suzmarie: I've thought about that too. I wanted our marriage to be strong enough to where he didn't have to threaten me to that extent. But I also want to be understanding of him. I think having my mom with us and then having my siblings all gain up on us like jerks is just putting too much stress and strain on us. Right now, all I want to do is move on with my life.

mystiquemay, i am so glad to hear that you are moving your mother out! GOOD for you and your husband and children! you are far too young to be saddled with this and deserve a life of your own. i pray that your siblings will now get a clue!

yes, please do seek counseling. i have found it to be of tremendous help as i have a toxic mother and it has colored my whole life. i've let go of her and my toxic brother and life is a lot brighter now.

CareforMom99, my mother is diabetic, obese, severely depressed, and recently had a foot amputated. She doesn't take her medications for her depression. As a child, I grew up hearing her crying loudly every day and night for hours at a time and praying to God to take her life already. Needless to say, she is still like that and it just bothers me. I've also been uninvited to birthday parties after I begged all the siblings for help, only to get attacked in return by them. I was told from everyone that my husband and I was the "best option" even after we told them we wouldn't be able to handle it because of our schedules and struggles already. Funny thing is, my husband and I were struggling financially when this decision was made by my siblings.

tlhanger: My husband and I voiced our concerns to my siblings from the beginning and said we wouldn't be able to add more onto our plate at this time. After a couple of months, I found myself unable to get our of bed for anything. I'm sure I was falling into depression and that's when i said I had had enough. I begged everyone for help and that certainly did not help. It just made things worse. I spoke to my dad the other day (my parents are divorced) and he said he talked to my oldest brother and that my oldest brother had said the only reason why they all gained up on me and yelled at me was because I refused to allow anyone to come visit my mom. Such bull****!!! I begged them to come see her because if not, I'd have to hear her nag about it. I had to hear her nag about them not answering her calls or them not visiting or helping her out. I had to deal with everything and I was tired of it. I got a list from the county of Home Caretakers but my mom rejected the list because there was no one on the list who spoke her language (she doesn't speak english). She then went and told everyone that husband and I won't allow her to have a caretaker. I was wondering if my mom could be developing dementia but I don't know too much about that disease. I will definitely look into it more.

At the age of 12, I left to stay with my dad because my mom was abusive. She was a great mom but from time to time, she'd let her loneliness and bitterness get the best of her. I wanted to rebuild our relationship once she moved in but that certainly did not help. I thought having her be around my kids, especially my cute little 20 month old, would make her happier but she's still the same person and although I love her, it hurts to be around her. I'm glad things are working out for you and your mother. I just can't say the same for me. And now that I'm the "bad guy" according to my siblings, I just really want to focus on moving on with my life. I hope one day they'll realize but knowing them, I doubt they ever will.

Thanks again.

I don't like your husband's stance, her or me. I was just wondering how strong this marriage is/or isn't?

Don't wait for siblings to step up...if they haven't already it is likely they will not no matter how much begging or pleading (based on my experience).

Thank you, everyone, so kindly!! My mother is finally moving out this weekend to stay with the younger sister. Although this saddens me a little, I know it's for the best. I just want this to be over with already as it has caused me so much trouble and pain. Not only will my husband and I have our life back, but my younger sister who's also said very harsh things to me will finally know how it feels to be a caretaker.

My seven siblings still all hate me, have excluded me from what they now call "their family," and are trying to make me feel guilty for not being able to handle taking care of my mom on top of my already very full plate, but I am just trying to move forward with my life with my children and husband. I've thought a lot about getting professional help outside of this website because the siblings have just been so cruel to me that the pain lingers.

Again, thanks everyone!!

When you take an elderly person into your home because they can't do it themselves anymore. It is hard. Your siblings know it. Without the help that was promised, you will go through a depression and it sounds like your husband is too. What was your feelings about doing it in the first place? You need to find out if there is any help you can be offered. If she owned a house and it has to be put up for her assisted living, do it. The siblings are being so selfish. Your mom making things up cannot be helped. She has dementia and that is how that disease rolls.
I questioned why you left home at 12? Did the others leave young too? You are taking on a great responsibility, you and your husband have to be calm and talk. You are still a mommy and your children deserve the best of you both. It can be done, but do you want too? I really wanted too because my mom was a great mom and is all alone. It is hard on us, but after 4 years, we have adjusted. But the first year was just awful, and the second wasn't much better, but after that, it has been okay.