We had a companion living in our basement for over a year. About 6 months ago my husband started to see this mans name written on EVERYTHING. My husband started cutting and tearing everything up and throwing everything away. This includes pictures, paintings (hidden under our bed) albums, cd's, movies, etc. With MOST everything I have learned not to argue, it won't change things. Redirect, it has not worked. This man died 2 months ago. I thought this behavior would change, but it has not. I don't know how to handle this. I check trash cans many times a day. I have saved many things. It breaks my heart. Some of these are pictures from his days in the service. Last night he tore the first couple pages from a bible he presented to his mom many years ago. All of these things are irreplaceable. Nothing can be left out for a second. He tore up a birthday card sent to our granddaughter. It had 50 dollars in it. Found that in pieces. This goes on daily. I'm at my witts end. These are pieces of my life also. Any suggestions?
It's hard to know what you can store and what you can keep at home because you can't control what he's thinking. It may be frying pans and clothes being thrown out, if not pictures and documents. You can't live with nothing.
Is there any place that he can expend physical energy during the day and get the restlessness out of him? Can he volunteer at a food pantry or animal shelter?
I received your information today. You are doing the right things. I have two suggestions.
1. If the doctor is willing to acknowledge HIPPA while testing your husband. I would suggest armed with this information you enlist the aid of an Elder Care Attorney. This attorney can help you cover yourself in the event of another stroke or worse.
2. Staying on top of all VA resources. It might be a good idea to write, call or go see the senator from your area to ask for help. It is amazing how many doors can be opened with their help.
I hope this will help. Please feel free to contact me at any time.
I understand the situation you are in. You did not say however what is the root cause of his dementia. So I will try to help with the understanding regarding his behavior.
If he has Alzheimer’s Type Dementia it is most likely progressive not all dementia is progressive and will likely respond to different stimulus. There is a certainty though. You need, deserve and must get some help. Have you considered placing him in a structure living setting?
The financial end of placement is no longer a consideration in light of his actions. There is financial help if you are unable to or do not want to loss everything by placing him. With this information it is important for you to speak with his doctors regarding this. Destructive behavior is at times the forerunner to escalating anger or fear. No matter the cause of the dementia it is your time to take action.
If this behavior is a sudden change from the normal you maybe seeing physical changes. These changes need to be diagnosed. When you say ‘continue playing along’ I am not sure what you mean. If you are validating his remarks and behavior this can be risky behavior.
Instead of ‘playing along’ it might help you benefit more by remaining positive in your answers without lying. An example is, if he says I am looking for my pet (or uses a pet’s name) instead of telling him the pet passed away years ago, you could answer with ‘I haven’t seen him/her today but I will let you know as soon as possible.
Mirrors in your home could be his nemesis in this case. People having a progressive dementia frequent do not recognize themselves in a mirror. If this is the situation you might want to take down the mirrors or cover them in such a way as to not have a reflection. Covering the mirror as a disguised gift could be part of your answer.
What you choose to do whether placement or disguise of items in the home, talking to him in a positive manner will still help. It is very interesting that in many cases people suffering the ravages of dementia seem to always take on the emotion of the person with them. An example is your having a bad day and just want to be left alone, he would just want to be left alone. This can be demonstrated by his wandering to find this place however not really knowing where the place is or what to expect from it once he gets there.
Above all it is important that you get help interacting with him. Even the most caring wonderful person can change with dementia.
I don't know if you have time or finances to do this, but I would make multiple copies of photographs and letters and other things, and store the originals in a safe place. Then he could have a new "stash" to tear up each day. Perhaps in time, this would allow you to redirect to other behavior.
Are you caring for him alone?
Do you need support from others who might help him focus on other things?
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When she does something that she isn't supposed to do, we talk with her about it and tell her no and why, this helps for a few days, and then we have the talk again.
Has he started rearranging everything yet? If you have the space available, let him have his own room, with a dresser in it, and put items that you don't mind him destroying or hiding in the room. MIL likes to fold clothes, she likes to move her knick knacks around. It is comforting to her to be able to have some control in her life.
My mother and my husband both enjoyed using the paper shredder. I asked them to help me avoid identity theft, and I did give them anything like that to shred, but I also saved junk mail for them to shred.
I almost hate to suggest giving him access to a tool he could use to be even more destructive (feeding $50 bills to the shredder makes me shudder) but if you kept it under lock when he wasn't using it under your supervision, would shredding paper be a good diversion for him at this time?
The poor dears with dementia really can't help what they are doing, and often going along with their illogic is the best approach. But you must never accept abuse or destruction of your valuable possessions.
I am surprised that the psychiatrist feels there is only medication that might help and that it is contraindicated. Ask if there is a second-best choice, without high-risk side effects.
I am so sorry that the two of you are going through this experience, and at such a young age.
I am against over medicating, but all medications have side effects. If nothing changes you are likely to be the one in the hospital. I'd talk with the doctor again about the medications and see if small amounts might at least make your husband's symptoms less severe.
Your husband must be suffering psychologically, as well. Sometimes we have to take a physical risk in order to lessen mental pain. From what you've said, your husband may fall into this category. You may want to get a second opinion to evaluate the true risk vs. the possible benefit.
Update us when you can. We are all concerned for you.
Carol
Basically, help him to be rid of that feeling that he is skipping out on his duties, because that is truly the core isdue here.
Hope this helps.
and figure up a magazine collage or scrapbook featuring his (former)