lilikat111 Asked July 2017
What should I do about my husband's children's interference since he contracted Alzheimer's?
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I am "wife no. 2" and one daughter is being very invasive, insisting on going through personal files that include financial information, what our expenses are, etc. Since I'm POA, I feel it is none of her business and feel as if it's an invasion of privacy. Any input would be appreciated.
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MAC above had an excellent idea, see if hubby is still able to choose a second in line for his Power of Attorney. If you have a CPA, you can ask the CPA if he/she would be willing to do this [hourly rate would apply] or even the Elder Law Attorney [hourly rate would apply].
Heavens, I had no clue about my own parent's financial position until after my Mom had passed and Dad no longer wanted to fool with such paperwork, so then Dad's POA kicked in with me as the POA.
But I have seen heartbreaking situations of interference from the stepchildren of the caregiver, in my local support group. This can really get ugly! I am so sorry you are not in a supportive situation.
You really have a duty, as POA, to protect the privacy of your husband's financial and other information. You might try something like, "I'm sorry but I have to protect our privacy. Why did you want to know? Perhaps I can give you general answers."
Try your best to convert the snoopers to helpers. "I'm so glad that you are taking an interest in your dad's health. I wonder if we could count on you to take him to lunch a couple times a month? He would enjoy some one-on-one time with you."
It depends on the nature of your relationship, but consider keeping them in the loop. Don't give the impression that they get to make decisions, but let them know what is going on and what your thinking is. This might be a weekly email update. "Hubby's hallucinations are diminishing, thank goodness! They still occur sometimes mid-afternoon. He seems most alert and lucid mid-day, so that is a good time for visits." Or "I am considering a day program a couple days a week, to give hubby some social interactions. You can read about it at their website ..." Help them to feel included rather than shut out. But firmly maintain the boundaries of what your role is.
Hang in there!
If records are online, change the passwords.
You at the same time recognise that it is natural for her to have questions about her father's overall wellbeing, which would include satisfying herself that his finances and care are being well managed. Of course.
So it's a question of deciding what information, and in what form, she can reasonably expect you to share, as opposed to where she is overstepping the mark.
Recognise her natural concerns but be frank and clear about what you are and are not going to share with her. 'What is it exactly that you feel you need to know?" might be a good opening question, and you can negotiate from there.
And, by the way, she has no right to 'insist' on anything: she can do you the courtesy of recognising that it is for you to decide what information is appropriate. That is where you can most certainly tap her on the shoulder and tell her to butt out.
Interesting this girl is intrusive on the financial matters but is not intrusive with regards to the care of her father...?? Maybe she is heavily involved in her father's care but poster didn't mention it.