I believe that I trigger most/all of her negative belligerent behaviors and response to whatever i say or do. Though she has many age-related physical issues [as most in our age group gave, including me], thank God she is not bedridden .
I am at the verge of considering paying for 2 months of 24 hour per day in-home "companionship"/care while I move into some near-by single room/apartment ... During that period, my 59 year old daughter who lives close by and "attends" almost daily could decide of a more permanent solution.
I have often wondered about “respite”. Considering how disorienting any change of surroundings can be to a dementia patient, I don’t understand how respite stays really work out for them. In a case like this, where it is just husband and wife, not a rollicking extended household that needs a break from the dementia patient...it seems very appropriate to let the ragged caregiving husband be the one to step OUT of the home for a break.
I know what you mean when you say that you feel as if your wife has pegged you as the bad guy, but, are you taking care of her with no other help? If so, don't take it personally, which is easy to tell someone, but hard to do when you are constantly being hit with hatred it seems from the person you loved. Congrats on a really long relationship with your wife, and I'm assuming you must have been a loving couple to hang onto your marriage for so long. The fact that you both have grown old together, and to a great age, tells alot. Most lose a husband or wife, and end up alone by the age of 65, so your marriage must have been a healthy and happy marriage. Now, it's not, your wife is directing her anger and negativity onto you, but that's because she is really angry at herself, those moments when she realizes she isn't right, cause her to get mad at life, and ask why has this happened to me. Do you think if she wasn't as she is now, that listening to another person tell the story you are living, to her, would her advice to that person be to remember the good, and before allowing these bad days to destroy those memories of what is left of his life, yes, he should separate himself from her. Or do you think she would say, No, you must hang in there, till death do you part. Think of what she would do if your roles were reversed, I'm assuming you wouldn't be thinking of leaving unless you know it's for the best, and after so many years with your wife, you must think pretty much alike. When you make up your mind, just remember to take the memories that make you smile with you.
Good Luck.
The more conventional approach is for the person needing care to move into a facility offering short-term respite programs. Look on it as her taking a break, as well as you. Could you and your daughter do some research locally and see what's available?
If the wife is understanding you need to do that right away to get power of attorney because she needs to be competent and able to sign her name for power of attorney. And there’s two types of power of attorney if they didn’t tell you financial power of attorney and medical power of attorney. When in doubt you either call the Elder Law .
I do believe or if you have an attorney speak to your attorney. But my question to you is why were you using money to rent an apartment for two months to get away from your wife is being that difficult. And then you leave it for your daughter is that fair.
Since daughter is assisting You three need to get together as a family and discuss this there’s no shame in to that. Have your wife been evaluated as having Dementia / Alzheimers ? Or just Memory Lost.
If your wife also has been evaluated you can speak to her PCP they are great help with people with Alzheimer’s and Dementia and helping you arranging things for them to be either place some has some respite care. I feel since you’re moving away for two months look into respite care for her. This time she can stay at least 29 days yes it will cost you and they will evaluate her and do an assessment .
But I personally doesn’t feel it’s right for you to throw that responsibility to your daughter. We are your family so let’s talk been there done that.
Speaking of 24 hour care have you looked into that before hand. You need to make sure the people that’s coming into your home is up to par. You need to check with the Better Business Bureau on the company you would like to choose. You need to find out the prices because not all last night shift. Unless you can find yourself a 24 hour live in person for two months and that really is going to run yet but I think you’re running out on your wife. If the shoe was on the other foot how would you feel. Dementia and Alzheimer’s is very hard and I know that from experience .
I had mother for four years and finally got her into a nursing home and she’s been there a year already but I am not as older as you I am at 63-year-old Daughter. And along with the stories I can tell you they might be similar. So let’s talk as a family see what you can do call the PCP, Colin attorney, call Elder Law and let’s get some assistance.
lBrown, Sugar
If I/my parent financially able to even give something like this a serious thought - it would be bliss. My parent would happy with that arrangement too because it would mean not leaving home.
Go for it!
When I worked as a receptionist in a Memory Care ALF before the plague hit, we had a gentleman who'd come in daily to see his wife who lived there. Well, when I tell you I cringed every time I heard her speak to him........her mouth was VILE. He brought out the very worst in her and she called him terrible names. He had no other choice but to place her in the Memory Care ALF b/c she had become too much to handle at home. He'd go by every single day to see her..........God knows how he was able to muster that strength, given how she treated him, but he did.
You should consider doing the same with your wife now. Enough is enough. You should not have to move out of your own home into a single room while she has full run of your home, carrying on 24/7. She belongs in a memory care environment with peers she can interact with. With a team of caregivers who are paid to care for her day and night. Go tour a few and see what you think.
Geaton's idea of finding an Assisted Living residence for BOTH of you isn't a bad idea, either. My mother's place has regular AL and Memory Care; you could reside in the Assisted Living wing and your wife could reside in the Memory Care wing.......that way, you could easily visit her whenever the mood struck you. Just an idea.
Even if you don't wind up placing her, just the knowledge that you have that option may relieve you of some of the horrible stress you're feeling. My heart goes out to you. I wish you strength, courage and peace, my friend. All the best.
Daughter is most likely going to have to make decision then. Would you want her to have to live with what you are living with? Would your wife? Of course not.
Now is the time. 24 hour care is a good option for now because of Covid many nursing homes not accepting new patients.
I love him almost beyond life itself. But, if he isn’t living outside the home that end of life for me may be too soon. Do I want him home? YES. Is it the best for both of us? No
You need to both be in a good place so she’s cared for and you’re safe and not so stressed out you literally can’t see straight. Hardest thing I’ve EVER done
Trying to get Medicaid to pay for what I can’t is a nightmare. Get a good elder law attorney and accountant
God bless you and yours and peace on you
Take care.
So you need to do what you need to so that you stay healthy. And most of the time that i have seen i works out better having a caregiver come in and care for them because sometimes emotions can get in the way of providing the stern care that sometimes has to be used and that way they don't get hurt or upset with their loved one.
Hope this helped. If you have any other questions you can message me
Best of luck and you will be in my prayers.
Denise
Your idea will be extremely expensive. You are probably correct in saying that you trigger most of her responses. But it's so damn hard to ignore dementia behaviors. After a while we become desensitized to the needs of our LO.
Depending on how advanced her disease is, she will probably resist any decisions you make that will separate you two, or, where she will feel it's demeaning to her. However, for your own health and wellbeing, you've got to do something. Maybe bringing someone in a couple hours a day rather an entire day, would be enough to give you some respite. Finding an adult day care center might work. There she will be with other seniors, engage in activities and be significantly less expensive. I think the best plan, however, would be to find a care facility where she could spent some time and you could stay in your house for a month or two.
You may want to call your local Area Agency on Aging, the Alzheimer's Assn., or state Dept. of Aging and ask for advice.
I wish you luck.
Depending on her other conditions, although the diagnosis of dementia would probably qualify, she may qualify for Hospice. Medicare will pay for about 1 week of Respite for a person on Hospice. Generally they will place the person in a facility that they have an agreement with. Sometimes if there is room or if there needs to be some symptom management if the Hospice has a stand alone In Patient Unit they will place a patient there.
The other option would be to place her in Memory Care as a permanent resident. This is a difficult decision as I am sure you made "promises" to each other that you would never place the other in a "home". She is not the same person you made that promise to ..and you are not the same person that made the promise.
If having a caregiver some in daily for the most difficult times would help you could try that. No one can do this by themselves 24/7/365. There is nothing to feel guilty about. Accepting the fact that you can not do this any longer is the most difficult thing to admit.
Discuss with your daughter what options you have.
Respite to give you a break. (and her)
In home care with help from caregivers.
Placement in Memory Care.
And you can do any of these with the help of Hospice as well. I would not have been able to care for my Husband the way I was able to if it had not been for Hospice.
Take care of yourself ((hug))