She has Parkinson’s disease and is managing with a walker and meds. She gets assistance with her medicine, laundry and housekeeping. She doesn’t like the food. I pick her up after work and bring her to my house every day after work for dinner. We visit and then I drive her back. She doesn’t always eat breakfast and picks at her lunch. This is so frustrating because I feel like that is one more thing I worry about. She doesn’t like the activities planned. So I am “it” — take her for a drive; out for ice cream; scrabble....every single day. All her doctor appointments I take her to as well. I am getting tired, burned out and exhausted. Through COVID she lived with me and I worked from home. The aides where she lives are not consistent either. Any advice?
You are doing too much, no wonder you are burnt out. Your own family needs to be your priority.
For a start: breakfast, lunch and activities are available to her and supported by competent (if inconsistent) trained staff. Take them OFF your list of worries. They are there, if she chooses not to access them or make full use of them that's fine. No harm will come to her.
As an exercise, when you next visit her look at the activities programme and see what's on next day. If it's anything that a reasonable, ordinary person could endure if not necessarily enjoy, strongly recommend that she get with it because you have a crucial engagement (PTA, bridge night, washing your hair, kitchen refurbishment, whatever) so you won't be taking her out tomorrow. Maybe arrange to eat the early evening meal with her. The key point is, do it *there* and leave her behind.
That's step one. The aim is a gradual change over from her spending every single evening with you to spending most evenings at the ALF and increasing her engagement with its community. Surely there are other residents who like a game of Scrabble too?
No wonder you are burning out! You are trying to live your life as a Wife, Mother & employee plus live your Mother's life alongside her.
It happens. Especially if you were or are very close. I agree that to carve out more life for you & your own family you will need to step back a bit from Mother's. Hopefully she can engage better into her own life. Maybe start a change by bringing her home to your home for weekends only. Keep your visit weekdays - but at the AL - to help get her into a new evening routine there. Next, cut down weekday visits to say, only Wednesdays.
You may be surprised in a few months what activities or friendships she enjoys.
I'm an only child too. My own mother is 92 and lives next door to me. She has always had some personality "issues" where she always relied on family to be her friends, including me. I am aware she is always trying to rely on me as her sole source of entertainment and have worked hard to not feel guilty about doing things without her. Most nights she eats dinner with us but for my husband's sake I make sure it is not every night. My mom never thought it important enough to deal with her issues. That is her choice and not my problem. As the other posters have rightly pointed out: your own life and family come first. You need to back off so that you don't completely burn out. Then who would help your mom? Put on your own oxygen mask first. Self-care is critical in your situation.
Does she have a kitchenette? Maybe stock it with things she will eat. Is she capable of pouring herself a bowl of cereal? Putting a piece of toast in the toaster. One AL we looked at for Mom had food choices. At lunch, always a sandwich they could take back to their room.
Them driving Mom to appts. This is usually an added expense if the AL does it and I would think you'd want to talk to Moms Drs.
Needs her hair done, there is usually a stylist at the AL. My GF will do hair for long standing clients at an AL or SNF. Doctor visits, does Mom really need to go as often as she does? Once my Mom was stable in her numbers and medications I requested less visits. If a problem arose, then I would make an appt.
Taking her for a drive and for icecream could be a Sunday thing. Scrabble, there must be a resident that enjoys it. After 8 hours of work, the last thing I would want to is play a game I had to think.
Maybe you can eat at the AL one night a week. They do charge for this.
You cannot do anything about the situation Mom is in. She did nothing to cause her Parkinsons. At 90 it is very hard to adjust but she needs to. She needs to make that effort. You cannot be her everything.
I found that they were half price when purchased before hand in the business office.
We enjoyed the meals and I enjoyed the break from cooking. My dad enjoyed the company and it helped him feel better about meeting new people. I highly recommend doing this route once or twice a week to get her acquainted with others and to give you a break from meal prep.
You can't keep being her everything. You will burn completely out and then you won't want to see her at all. Stand firm and be loving about your needs, because seniors tend to be very self centered and really good at laying on the guilt. You matter as much as she does.
It's not your job to be your mother's entertainment committee, either. I suggest you stop doing all you're doing and allow your mother to settle into her AL and make friends, etc. Either that, or move her to another AL that has more activities and 'better food', ha, as if such a thing exists. Or do what I do, and offer her a meal once a week, or one day a week where you bring her home & cook for her, take her for a mani/pedi, whatever. That way, you have a life and she has the life she chooses. Not that she pretends to live in AL and you do all the work.
Good luck!!
I hear your frustration- my mom lived with us ( apartment second floor ) 25 yrs then lived in our home when we moved to a single family home about 4 yrs until she went to a nursing home. While there I had one caregiver and very soon I picked up a second - I couldn’t have done it without them. During the time my husband was neglected... now I’m his caregiver as he has dementia.