I have a sister that hasn’t spoken to her mother since last August. She also has two grown children who have also not spoken to their grandmother because their mother said, “They have an “allegiance” to their mother." They did not contact my mother even during the holidays. I sent my sister a birthday card in September and she sent it back as "refused." When my mother fell in January and my husband and I went to the emergency room with her I asked if she wanted me to call anyone. She had a cellphone with her and said that she would call whoever she wanted to. My sister and her children live 30 minutes away. My mom did not call them. She said that if they were so concerned about her they would have called her in the last 5 months. My sister is mad now saying that I should have called her. That I should have gone against my mother’s wishes? The argument all started several years earlier when my sister invited my mother for Christmas and after they opened their Christmas gifts from my mother they informed her they were leaving to go to my sister's sister-in-law's house. They gave my mother 2 hours on Christmas Day. They didn’t even feed her.
Personally--I would leave it be and not get involved. Your sister's choice to not have your mom in her life, you cannot change that. Sounds like mom is really OK with that, she can always initiate a call!
My OS used to go see my mom maybe 2-3 times a year. I know she never called her to check on her. She wasn't mad or anything, she simply kind of lacks that basic 'empathy' gene. When mom died last Sept., OS hadn't seen or spoken to mom in about 5 months (probably last Mother's Day).
I saw mom as frequently as I could, without being annoying. Yes, there are favorite kids and I was not one.
Your mom can call sister. She has a phone and I assume she can use it.
My mother NEVER called me. I had cancer 4 years ago and was in TX for over a year. She did not call me ONCE in that year.
I did not ask my sibs to get involved and make my problem better. There are reasons why we were not close and likely your sister has her reasons. And it's totally normal that the grandkids will ally themselves with thier mom. I know my kids have felt my pain with the terrible relationship I 'don't' have with my MIL, but they still send her cards and will try to visit her once a year. My problems with her are mine, not theirs. (Yeah, I got kinda skunked in the 'mother' department).
Bottom line--don't interfere. Just..don't. It won't solve anything and life has a way of sorting this stuff out, eventually.
This is not about you. It's between mom and sis. You can hate it, wish it was different, but you do not have the power to make it better.
I'm sorry--I personally hate the fracturing of families, but it happens, more often than we want to believe.
As I said in the other post - what is YOUR relationship with your sister and do you want to maintain/repair it?
I think it's really, really unfair of a parent to place one of their children in this situation.
For what it's worth, however, I also think it's unfair of your sister to blame YOU for something your mom was capable of doing but refused.
Going forward, I would tell mom "Mom, I get why you're angry at (sis), and justifiably so, but to not tell her these things is putting ME in the middle, and I really don't want to be there. So please, just inform her - or let me do so - about your (health issue)...you don't even have to *talk* to her, you can just send her a text message."
And bear in mind - one of my sisters was absent through most of my mom's illness. BUT - I let her know EVERYTHING, because she was fully capable of showing up to mom's funeral weeping loudly, complaining "Oh, if only I had known how bad mom was, I would have been here, but NOBODY TOLD ME!!". By keeping her informed, I denied her that little bit of theater, plus she had no opportunity to claim "plausible deniability" after the fact. Maybe that's a way to sell mom on keeping sis in the loop, if you think that's the way you want to go with this.
Good luck!
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/if-a-mother-goes-to-hospital-and-doesnt-want-one-of-her-daughters-to-know-does-the-other-daughter-go-481056.htm
No, it was not up to you to call your sister. This problem is between your Mom and your sister. Mom told you she would call whomever she wanted to. If Mom was not able to make that call, then you should have called your sister. I would tell your sister that you will not be the middle man here, its between her and Mom. Its not fair that she is dragging u into it. You will not take sides. If she wants a relationship with her Mom, then she needs to apologize.
If mom is cognizant, and you do not indicate that she is not, then making that decision was all hers.
It sounds like mom is one that can hold a grudge as well. (apples not falling far from the tree)
Personal comment here and take it for what it is worth....
If what started the rift between you and your sister is that your sister invited your mother to Christmas to open gifts and then they had to leave....
I have to wonder a few things.
Were you there? Or was it just your mom? If it was just your mom and she is the one that felt slighted how did you get dragged over to "mom's side"?
Were there plans to go to SIL's house in advance or did they decide that morning to go to SIL's?
I just feel that life is so short for stuff like this. If you can, make peace.
another granddaughter, this granddaughter calls her 3 times a week and always goes to visit her, the conversation mistakenly got recorded on moms phone machine. My sister denied ever calling my mom and yelling at her. When I told her it was recorded and she was welcome to listen to it she slapped me in the face and left. Oh, and at the time that my mom gave away her car my sister and her family of 4 had 8 cars.
Limit your contact.
Make peace by ignoring your sister and the ongoing feud between siblings.
As for the ER visit, it was an emergency. That was what was happening at that time. Both of you get over it. (Don't take that wrong). You can say to sister (if you are still speaking at all), "It was an emergency, get over it!"
It could be that (Mom, or someone) could have control issues that tend to divide others and use those around them for their own benefit. We don't know.
It is said: "Blessed are the peacemakers". Your relationship with your sister is also between the two of you, and not about Mom. Would you be having a friendship relationship after Mom is gone? Is sister someone you you would want to hang out with? Think about it.
Proceed without guilt when you decide what is best for you and your family.
Try not to allow disputes to make you an unhappy and bitter person, requiring you to ever have to take sides against another family member.
Be happy, you can have happiness without kowtowing to other's expectations.
What is the synonym of kowtow?
give in. go along with. knuckle under. lie down and roll over.