My mother's mood is up & down and she has hallucinations & delusions. She is wheelchair or bed bound. I feed her, brush her teeth, suction her secretions which has become almost constant.
My mother cries and complains of being bored and is extremely distressed with her immobility. She can't read d/t eye symptoms of Parkinson's, can't concentrate on television, won't listen to books on tape. She was an avid reader and exercised daily in her day. She often refuses passive range of motion exercises or pedaling on a floor pedal. She never wants to be alone.
I don't know what to do to entertain her.
We have help 3 days per week from 10 am to 2 pm, but at this point it is not enough for me. My father doesn't want to spend more money on care.
My husband and I have virtually no time together and want to get away this summer but my father effectively avoids this topic even when I bring it up.
Sorry for the rant. I don't know what else to do.
You are propping up their delusions of independence. Until you stop being the solution to their problems, they will not address them.
I am not sure from your post if Fear, Obligation and Guilt, FOG are informing your actions. You may want to read up on that, as well as boundaries and co-dependence.
It is not your job to entertain Mum.
It is not your responsibility to provide care.
It is not appropriate that your marriage is being impacted by your father's refusal to do what is best for Mum and either hire 24/7 care or move her into a care facility.
You have not mentioned POA over health or wealth. but as long as you are the solution to Mum's care needs, Dad is not going to open his purse strings.
What can you do? Decide how much time you want to provide support, which days, which time of day etc. Then you tell Dad, this is all I can help.
If not already in place, look into community based services, such as rides to appointments, grocery and prescription delivery, yard maintenance and house keeping. Give Dad the list and give him a week to get it sorted.
Be firm that you are no longer available evenings and weekends, that is time to spend with your husband. Book your summer holidays and write them on Mum and Dad's calendar. You do not need to discuss it with Dad, you do not need his permission, you are an adult and you are simply saying, I will be away at this time.
My husband and I plan to discuss our summer plans with my father. He needs to spend the money!
I do worry about overnight caregivers - but that is silly too.
The truth is that there may be no way for that to happen, even IF you throw yourself and your own family onto the sacrificial altar.
We all are human and have our own one life and our own limitations.
I am so sorry. Only you can decide what your own limitations are.
Currently you are enabling all of this.
Beatty, who often comments here gave me the expression : "There will be no solutions as long as YOU are all the solutions".
The time is nearing when you and your husband need to sit together and make decisions. You then have to deliver your decisions to your parents.
I am so sorry. There is no way this will be easy. Not everything can be fixed; not everything has an excellent, or even a good solution.
My heart goes out to you and I wish you the very best.
My husband and I are no longer "young" and want to enjoy our retirement - my father just tells me "I am sorry that this is happening". Also "we didn't plan on this" - exactly - they didn't plan!
And yes, she gets bored. And, yes sometimes I spend 12++ hours a day helping her/changing her/washing/prepping meals/dispensing meds, personal care, etc.
I've learned that I'm not an entertainer. Yes, she gets bored.
Similar to you, I provide talking books & a digital reader for her.
I also bought Alexa a few months ago, and set her up with Amazon music (paid subscription) so she can listen to music anytime she wants. I paid for a News subscription so she can listen to headline news commercial free on Amazon ... etc
I try to discuss current events with her that I've read online.
Also cancelled cable (due to the cost) and installed Roku. Now, I can set her up with several hours in a row of her favorite TV series from years back.
However, she still gets bored. Sometimes she doesn't like *any* of the millions of shows that are available for her to watch. sigh
I offer her a Hoyer Lift ride to her wheelchair which is often declined.
I've come to the conclusion that I'm doing my best for her in her price range. (Free care.)
And am home if she needs me. I spend some extra time watching TV with her. Hang out with the dog in the living room next to her Hospital bed. etc
But, that will never stop her boredom and I guess that's just the way it's going to be under the circumstances.
So, yes -they get bored. And, no-we can't entertain them as much as they want. Heck, I get bored everyday doing all this stuff ...
Plan with your husband to leave and return to your own home. Give your father 6 weeks' notice. Then do it.
Its time for YOU to tell DAD how things will play out from now on. And if he doesn't like it, he and mom can move into the Skilled Nursing facility you have picked out for them. Hire an agency that can provide 24/7 and overnight caregivers immediately. On dad's dime, of course. Again, any balking and you can leave the scene entirely, your call dad.
And mom's bored!!! You can call in the Glen Miller Orchestra to entertain the woman and the moment they left, she'd be back to complaining of boredom once again! My mother was the same way. Never satisfied no matter WHAT lengths were taken! So why bother? 😐
Enough is enough, but not until you tell DAD that. Otherwise, all is well in his world and you'll be off to the hospital soon yourself with a nervous breakdown or sheer exhaustion. You're willingly being taken advantage of under the umbrella of Catholic guilt. Which isn't funny anymore and can cost you your health. Stress kills. And elders can outlive US, even with Parkinson's and other ugly health issues. My uncle George is 1 month shy of 102 and has been dying of pancreatic cancer now for the past 6 YEARS. True story.
Put your foot down and take your life back now, my friend.