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We can not do much socially due to his mom's care. I cared for my mom, mother in law and my very ill husband. My gentleman friend states he will never put mom in facility... I am so confused ..what should I do???
Totally no... there is no confusion, there is no doubt or guilt. Im glad he will never put her into a facility.. so its his circus his monkey ... cos you are off to see the world.
I think you have to assess how valuable this relationship is to you. If the man won't put his mother somewhere, then he must find suitable alternatives that DO NOT INVOLVE YOU. You should not be under any obligation to care for her although he does. Check out possible options but do not become her caretaker and destroy your life. You may be better off without the friendship.
If he is trying to enlist your help with his mother, you can politely decline. Set boundaries for what you are/are not willing to do and stick to them. If he is the type to guilt you if you decline or go to FL for a while, time to move on. You have done plenty of care-giving and don't need to take on another, especially when there is no really strong commitment involved.
You could, if you want, continue to spend time with him on occasion, but you can also spread your wings and see what else is out there. Perhaps you could suggest finding some outside help, aka bring in someone who can watch over mom while you do something together - this would eliminate discussion around placement, but provide care for mom on occasion to allow you two to spend some quality time together. If he refuses that idea, it likely isn't going to work out very well. Only you know how you truly feel about this man - you have to weigh your feelings for him vs yourself and what you want from life. Look at the relationship from multiple sides - this is good, this is not so good and if good is more than not, maybe it can work, if not, move on.
"I just feel so selfish, he shows me love, but does not really understand me."
"...you have my thought, but I feel I am being selfish and I was always a pleaser so it is difficult to put my needs first..."
"...he does care for her wonderfully...I am just being selfish..."
How many times do we need to tell you that you are not selfish before you believe it? Do you want to believe that you are not selfish? If you are hell-bent on continuing the narrative that you are the selfish one, then nothing anyone can write on this forum can convince you otherwise.
Do you want to change or do you want to continue being a "pleaser"?
Dear Snowbird, you took care of your own family, and now it is time to take care of you!! Your friend needs to step up to plate and take care of his own mother, and not depend on you. I would absolutely say no and be firm. Take some time for yourself and enjoy your life. I know you love him, but it is a two way street. Actions speak louder than words. If he loves you than he would want the very best for you, and should understand you did your part with your own family, and now it is your turn. I have been taking care of my 97 year old mother for nineteen years, later on I will no longer take care of anyone else. I took care of my own father and SIL, they both passed while in my care from a terminal illness. I can't imagine taking care of someone's mother other than my own. I hope you have a wonderful and fulfilling life, you deserve it. Wishing you the very best.
I encourage you to read the books "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
You say you have deep feelings for him. He doesn't return them. If he did, you would be #1. There are a lot of things worse than being alone, and who says you have to be alone? Granted at our age there are more women than men, but women are fun to travel with and you can always find some guy who would love to be a "friend with benefits".
I believe in my heart he probably likes you, but he loves his mother. So much so that he has already chosen her over you. You don't need that in your life.
RUN! as one of the posters said you don't have to cause a scene. Just get on with your life. Go to Florida, he has no right to make you feel guilty about doing it, Heck, he has already told you you are in second place, you are just some side piece so to speak.
Did he outright ask you to help or are you volunteering? Maintain a neutral position. When asked for advise or hands on help, refer him to professionals that can help him make the decisions he needs to consider for the long run.
We have been together for 3 years . In that time his mom as gone from walking with a walker to nonambulatory.. He tells me he loves me, he has an aide 40 hrs a week so we did get out during the day. Last summer when she had an infection , anything I suggested was not right for him, then she had to be hospitalized and went to a facility that gave such poor care he swore he would never put her in a facility...at that point I told him I was not a nurse anymore so do not ask me questions if you doubt my advice..I do assist him, but not as much as he would like.. THANK YOU
Be honest with him. This is your time to make choices in your life that is in your best interest. Caregivers have a hard time putting their needs first, especially after caring for so many people. Perhaps you need to talk to a friend or counselor to help you through this.
You cared for your relatives, but confused about why your friend would want to do the same? If your gentleman friend has already told you how he feels in regard to taking care of his mom, your part in this is to decided if you want to continue with the same type of relationship you have with the man. If you want a boyfriend with an unencumbered personal life, looks like you probably have the wrong guy.
Actually, I'm confused about what you are confused about. His decision is exactly the same one you made in your past. When you were caring for your own loved ones, didn't it hinder a little of your social life back then, too?
Thank you when my husband needed more care at same time my mom did, I had to choose...I then put my mom in a facility....maybe that is why I feel the way I do...
If he wonders why you won't help with his mom, gently remind him that each time you took on caregiving is different and that each time you did, it took its toll. You are older now and having done this before, know the demands it entails. Perhaps he has never done this before, but you know your limits and have decided that you can't do it again. He can hire people at home or facility to do this job.
Allow him to care for his mom. Explain that you value his friendship and time with him -without mom. Try to explain that his life needs nurturing as well as hers. If he doesn't or can't create balance to be with you.... this may be a signal to put this relationship into a less than close friendship.
In my opinion, you owe him no explanations. In fact, explaining yourself to him gives him information he neither needs nor deserves. I'd step away quietly and just start being busy living my own life. He'll get the picture. People who use other people usually move on to their next target pretty quickly.
Run? Ok, seriously, you need to let this guy know this, which he probably does, and make it clear you are burned out and not taking on the responsibility of caring for another person. If you want to care, you need to put your limits/boundaries on the extent of it. Of course you can just remain friends with this guy, and on the fringes, not the primary caregiver. Which will be hard to not do if you like this guy and are close.
Noble of you to take care of someone else's mother. He should take care of his own mother. You should not feel guilty for not wanting to do this, especially since you card for your own family already. Set boundaries for yourself and let her and her son know that you can only give so much where you are now. They should understand and if they don't, that is ok, that they don't understand. You don't need to be understood by others. But you do need to do what is right for you.
Get out now...enjoy your life. If he wants to be a part of YOUR life then he can make time for YOU! I'm done bending over backwards for people. I'm caring for my 93 year old mother but even that is getting to the point where she needs to be put into a facility. No other family members really help and she doesn't seem to want to pay for healthcare workers and I can't do it all. I'm praying that I'll still have some of my health left after my care-giving duties with her are over and can enjoy some of my Golden Years too! Life is short - get out and enjoy yourself.
When I assisted my dad for 7.5 years, I decided that I would not step up and offer to take care of my sisters. They each have children and they should step up first.
If your gentleman friend doesn't want to put his mother into a facility, then he needs to face the fact that he is the next in line to take care of her, not a neighbor.
The easy answer is No. The difficult answer is No. Perhaps it is time for you to take a time out for yourself ... a solo holiday, start studying, undertake voluntary work, part time work, anything that means your gentleman friend has to look after his mother on a regular basis. If he has a regular job, hobby, or some other interest that takes him out of the house regularly without you, make sure you have to be away at the same time so he has to give up his activity instead of you sacrificing yours.. He might then learn what sacrifice is, and maybe how time consuming looking after an elder person can be. If he cannot do that for you in the short term, then your response should be the easy NO! You will have avoided being a door mat. If your friend willingly gives up his time and interest to care for his dear old mother, you will have a clear understanding of your position in his life, in which case you will have a very difficult NO to express. You will have to decide if it is your way, or the highway. No simple way to handle this delicate situation, it is just a case of how much do you want to remain with this man. I hate ultimatums, butvon this occasion it may be the best line of defense for your happiness.
You need to live your life - we only get one. If he chooses not to use a facility, that is his choice, but it’s your choice whether you help him or not. When my husband was in late stage he lived in a memory care AL and loved it because he was with people, he was extremely social. He’s now progressed so much he’s in a nursing home because I feel he’ll get the best care there. I visit everyday but I don’t have to stress about home care givers not showing up or quitting, or tryingTo do everything myself, etc. He’s also happy to see people and tries to wave to the other residents. He is comfortable and calm and that counts for a lot.
just tell him NO MORE .. I HAVE MY OWN LIFE NOW TELL HIM TO HIRE SOMEONE HE IS NOT FAMILY ..I AM RETIRED ..TELL HIM TO ASK HIS FAMILY MEMBERS IT IS NOT MY PROBLEM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You have your answer. He is choosing his mom over you. You have 2 options. stay with him BUT do not participate in her care. When you want to go to a movie..go, when you want to go to an art show..go, when you want to go out to dinner with friends..go, when you want to..???? go, do. or you can choose to end the relationship, you decide if you want to remain friends (not sure if this is a "friend with benefit" arrangement but again you can choose to continue or not.
Your friend is very selfish and is expecting the unacceptable!!! It is vital that you drop this friend by getting counseling to assist you in doing that. When I read your original story, I was appalled because I believe you are being used and have allowed that. And now, it is your turn to live your own life. If doing that yourself, again I would urge you to get some professional counseling to help you.
You have taken carw of enough in your life and at this time in your life you need to take care of yourself and h Your friend needs to hire a Caregiver which is can get very expensive, starting at 10-12 hr to 20-25 Hr depending on what's needed. A Live in is much cheaper, approx $500 a week.
may be time to consider a new gentleman friend. This is his issue not yours. Not trying to sound harsh, but you cared for your family because of your loyalty. That is enough for one lifetime. Gentleman friend has to find another way. Just tell him Honey, now you may comprehend this or come out of a bag but it has to be said. I do not want to care for your mom as a caregiver. Let him take it from there. No reasons necessary. He is not your husband you have no obligation to his Mother and personally I feel he is taking advantage of your kindness .
I am sorry, I mean this with the utmost respect to you. You are obviously a very kind and caring person and you deserve more. Please leave your gentleman friend and enjoy the rest of your life. He is manipulating you to be his Mothers Caregiver and that is just wrong.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Im glad he will never put her into a facility.. so its his circus his monkey ... cos you are off to see the world.
You could, if you want, continue to spend time with him on occasion, but you can also spread your wings and see what else is out there. Perhaps you could suggest finding some outside help, aka bring in someone who can watch over mom while you do something together - this would eliminate discussion around placement, but provide care for mom on occasion to allow you two to spend some quality time together. If he refuses that idea, it likely isn't going to work out very well. Only you know how you truly feel about this man - you have to weigh your feelings for him vs yourself and what you want from life. Look at the relationship from multiple sides - this is good, this is not so good and if good is more than not, maybe it can work, if not, move on.
You get the message.
"...you have my thought, but I feel I am being selfish and I was always a pleaser so it is difficult to put my needs first..."
"...he does care for her wonderfully...I am just being selfish..."
How many times do we need to tell you that you are not selfish before you believe it? Do you want to believe that you are not selfish? If you are hell-bent on continuing the narrative that you are the selfish one, then nothing anyone can write on this forum can convince you otherwise.
Do you want to change or do you want to continue being a "pleaser"?
You say you have deep feelings for him. He doesn't return them. If he did, you would be #1. There are a lot of things worse than being alone, and who says you have to be alone? Granted at our age there are more women than men, but women are fun to travel with and you can always find some guy who would love to be a "friend with benefits".
I believe in my heart he probably likes you, but he loves his mother. So much so that he has already chosen her over you. You don't need that in your life.
RUN! as one of the posters said you don't have to cause a scene. Just get on with your life. Go to Florida, he has no right to make you feel guilty about doing it, Heck, he has already told you you are in second place, you are just some side piece so to speak.
He tells me he loves me, he has an aide 40 hrs a week so we did get out during the day. Last summer when she had an infection , anything I suggested was not right for him, then she had to be hospitalized and went to a facility that gave such poor care he swore he would never put her in a facility...at that point I told him I was not a nurse anymore so do not ask me questions if you doubt my advice..I do assist him, but not as much as he would like..
THANK YOU
Actually, I'm confused about what you are confused about. His decision is exactly the same one you made in your past. When you were caring for your own loved ones, didn't it hinder a little of your social life back then, too?
when my husband needed more care at same time my mom did, I had to choose...I then put my mom in a facility....maybe that is why I feel the way I do...
Ok, seriously, you need to let this guy know this, which he probably does, and make it clear you are burned out and not taking on the responsibility of caring for another person. If you want to care, you need to put your limits/boundaries on the extent of it.
Of course you can just remain friends with this guy, and on the fringes, not the primary caregiver. Which will be hard to not do if you like this guy and are close.
you card for your own family already. Set boundaries for yourself and let her and her son know that you can only give so much where you are now. They should understand and if they don't, that is ok, that they don't understand. You don't need to be understood by others. But you do need to do what is right for you.
When I assisted my dad for 7.5 years, I decided that I would not step up and offer to take care of my sisters. They each have children and they should step up first.
If your gentleman friend doesn't want to put his mother into a facility, then he needs to face the fact that he is the next in line to take care of her, not a neighbor.
He is choosing his mom over you.
You have 2 options.
stay with him BUT do not participate in her care.
When you want to go to a movie..go, when you want to go to an art show..go, when you want to go out to dinner with friends..go, when you want to..???? go, do.
or
you can choose to end the relationship, you decide if you want to remain friends (not sure if this is a "friend with benefit" arrangement but again you can choose to continue or not.
And now, it is your turn to live your own life. If doing that yourself, again I would urge you to get some professional counseling to help you.
You have taken carw of enough in your life and at this time in your life you need to take care of yourself and h
Your friend needs to hire a Caregiver which is can get very expensive, starting at 10-12 hr to 20-25 Hr depending on what's needed. A Live in is much cheaper, approx $500 a week.
"People treat you, the way you allow them to treat you."
Best Dr. Phil statement ever!