I moved my mother into my house with me about five yrs ago. The goal was to keep her out of a nursing home or assisted living as she has very little in the way of funds to spend on such a thing. I have worked hard to make sure that she doesn't lose her independence by insisting that she do for herself everything that she can so she doesn't lose the ability to do so. She doesn't really like to do for herself but does so because I insist. I've explained to her why this is important....for her and for me. No one should burn out their care giver when it doesn't have to occur.
Lately, she is getting more and more critical when I, age 63, go off to do my own things. I have retired now and have a life to live as well. She makes comments in an attempt to produce guilt when I go off in the evening to a concert or to play trivia, etc. she is capable of taking care of herself for many hours on her own. I've gotten her an alert button that calls me as well.
I've spoken to her about this over and over again.,, and yet, she can't seem to stop the comments, scowling, sighing or frowning. I've told her that that is quite enough. If she wants someone to come over to stay with her, she needs to request it. She never seems to do that.
I cheer my adult children on in their ventures. She thinks a woman should stay home and live in the box that is the house. I'm becoming resentful and have told her this. This will not end the way she wants it to if she doesn't stop with the guilt trips.
When I was caring for my mom in my home, and needed to go and work out, I just told her that I was going to my Physical Therapy appointment. She could not argue about that.
When you go out, tell her you're at the grocery store. By the time you get back, she'll hopefully be asleep.
As many have suggested, an adult day care or some other senior activity 2x week is necessary for her to be engaged in outside social activities. Right now her entire world is your home and you. That's it. And you are right - the passive aggressive guilt trips - because when you were a kid, it probably worked. And in her mind you are, and always will be, her 'child'. Doesn't matter if you are 63 or 83 - she 'sees' you as an adult, but it doesn't register because to her you are still her 'child'. So her guilt tripping will continue - no matter how many talks you have. She is also from a different generation so different views of how things 'should' be.
Your way of parenting is not her way of parenting. That won't change either.
Have you looked into her going on Medicaid to possibly be able to be placed somewhere else than your home? Because know that things will not be getting better with her, (and will probably be magnified as the years go by) the situation will not be getting better because in this equation you are the only one who wants things different. Please be proactive to protect and guard the life you now are entitled to live and do not fall into the trap of becoming a submissive servant to your mother. She made life choices that put her in the situation she is in. She needs to play by your rules (your house, remember - just like teenagers) or not live there. Your health and mental wellbeing is priority now.
I have back up POA for finance and health, and there are plenty of family members on the radar. So is it just anxiety?
My 80 year old aunt got yelled at for not letting 102 year old grandmother, that she was travelling. It's really a challenge for us, with families blessed with longevity.
Hire a respite caregiver. Find a nice pampering place for a weekend for yourself, or for a nice evening event for yourself.
If neither of these options are acceptable to her then she will have one month to find new living accommodations. Then, stand by your decision.
I’ve been accused of it all - having held her hostage (doesn’t recall her own refusal to leave her house), poisoning her (how else do you explain her advanced age when the past 20 years are forgotten) and the list goes on. Criticized, insulted... the works.
We’d kept her physically active and in great health, but, eventually she refused to walk anywhere unnecessary just to show us. The rapid loss of muscle mass is awful. Such behaviour out of spite.
Meanwhile I lost so much time with my growing children. Fortunately, as teens they now understand. My husband has incredible patience and helped me stay sane.
Save yourself. You cannot make her happy. Arrange what you can to keep her safe.
Your Mom is 90. Not too many live that long. Seems to me you have set boundries all along. Maybe u could find someone who will sit with her when ur gone. It would come out of her money. Too bad she doesn't have the money for an AL. Check with ur State Medicaid and see if they pay for ALs. Some do.
The two of you need a heart to heart and sitting down ground rules.
Plus Seniors do go back to acting child like so you as the Adult shouldn't take it so bad and learn to ignore it.
Her medicare Ins would cover her being in a Nursing Home but believe me when I tell you, I wouldn't wish that on my worse enemy.
Your mom may forget to ask for someone to stay with her while you go out.
Maybe you could remind her that you are going our and how long you'll be gone and see if she wants a Sitter to keep her company.
Have a few Sitters lined up. Just regular sitters for a child will do as it's just to keep her company.
Advertise, ask members of your Church or Neighbors to find a few to call upon.
They could watch tv and have pizza delivered, play games, do art work, have her nails painted, work on a lg pc puzzle, lg print paint by number set, coloring, ect.
It would be like a little night our for her as well.
Its bad enough you paint them all with your black doom and gloom but, now you are saying Medicare will pay for it. Sheesh, enjoying misleading people much?
Make it clear that she can only keep where she is if she does what she can for herself and lets you have your own life. You can repeat this as often as you need until it sinks in.
My rellie wants company & care 24/7 but says she does NOT want a NH. Of course not!
She wants what she's got - a personalised NH for one!
Trouble is - the 'burden of care' grows too high for a *staff* of one.
I think some people just want "their" people to stay at home and be waiting for them whenever they return. My father often displayed this attitude with my mother. He didn't want Mom to help my grandmother when she grew old and needed some help with her heavy housework. He also didn't like it when she attended church circles and other ladies clubs, even when she attended during the day while he was at work! It made no sense and my mother told him so and went her own way for the most part. I admired her ability to continue doing the things that matter to her with or without anyone else's approval.
I would encourage your mother to attend an ADC or a Senior Center program to expand her horizons. By age 85, most people find themselves in the 1% of survivors; 99% of the peer group has died. We need to find new "friends" or interests (like the great-grandkids). In her later years, my mother enjoyed talking on the phone with her cousins, many of whom had diminished contact during their "active" years and had more time to just talk and visit after age 70 or so.
You may want to get her into her PCP for a check up to make sure she hasn't developed dementia. If she has, then everything changes with the behaviors.
The best thing about Assisted Living for my mother was the socialization, and the fact that she had autonomy and her own life, separate from mine. Friends, activities, meals, outings on the mini bus, shopping trips, gossip-fests galore, etc. People who attach stigma's to ALFs really don't understand they're like nice hotels for the elderly! Nowadays she's in Memory Care AL which is a whole different ball of wax, but she still thrives on socialization and activities.
Wishing you the best of luck getting the message across to your mother; that you don't have to put up with her guilt trips anymore if she chooses to continue living in your home!
If she resists this then that is on her.
Continue to do the things you want to do.
Please do make time for her. A Mom Day every week if you want or every other week just to make her feel special.
Trying to change her mind is like trying to make a teenager unselfish. They are the center of the universe - everything revolves around them, and it’s like their brains are small - there’s only room enough for their own concerns and their own problems. Trying to make someone who is not empathetic, empathetic will be nearly impossible.
Personally, I’d go on the offensive. If you know you’re going to be out, don’t ask, set her up with a visitor, someone to entertain her while you’re off having a life. Having a PSW on a routine basis may be good as well. We have one who’s main role is companionship. Having another person around to chat with, play cards, or look through photo albums with can make a world of difference.