You might remember my story. I got mom from India to stay with me for 4 months. She's in the very early stages of dementia- very forgetful but physically ok. During these 4 months, she was completely dependent on me, wouldn't watch movies or do any activity unless I was with her. I did take her to our community celebrations, meeting relatives but I cannot leave her alone and take a mental break...she gets restless and starts asking for me.
I was so relieved to take her back to her senior center housing last month.
The senior center is not suited for dementia patients. For now, mom is being helped by neighbors and a night-time aide. I can see the writing on the wall that I will have to bring her back and start the green card process for her. ( My relatives in India have said it's my responsibility and I know truly it is...)
How do I just accept this situation? I'm trying to postpone the green card as much as I can - I can take mom's dependency only in small doses. How can I be mentally strong to deal with this situation?
Thank you
Not everybody is meant to be a 24/7 caregiver. God bless the hearts of those who are! I take care of my mother for now, but I know myself well enough to know I can't do the whole 24/7 caregiver thing. So, I am getting my ducks in a row for when the time comes I will/should have everything in order.
You have a problem to solve, and to solve it you need to look at all your options. Get all the facts of every option that is available to you this way you can make an inform decision. As they say, "don't leave any stone unturned."
You do not have to sacrifice your life just to show your mom or other family members that you love your mom. As someone posted "it is your life not theirs," and may I add one more thing...it is easy for people to say, you should do this or that when they are not there living with it ever single day.
Start looking for a nursing home/memory care facility for your mother. Educate yourself on all the ins and outs, and you'll see you have options. That goes a long way toward feeling more in control.
Mom didn't seem to do well here. She will not be able to receive any services. Like said LTC can cost up to 12k. She will need health insurance. Will be very expensive. The language barrier another thing. Can you quit ur job to care for her. Can you afford care for her while you work.
I would not bring her here where she will be equally without anyone she knows - that's what dementia does, it erases memories. She won't have the capacity to make short term, recent memories of what people in her past look like now.
Don't do this. Keep her in India and pay for a memory care there.
A million thanks and God bless you all .......truly this has been my safe space.
I saw a phrase the other day that has kind of stuck with me:
If you're going through hell, keep going.
You worry it would be cruel to your mother to place her in an institution with strangers. But she will adjust. It would be cruel to yourself to invite an arrangement where you will be chronically unhappy as she grows more and more needy. In addition, if she has dementia, her needs may become impossible for you to meet over the long term, and you may end up needing to place her in a facility anyway.
I'm worried that you're expecting too much from yourself. I understand that this is a cultural issue, but cultural beliefs sometimes need to yield to practical realities. I'm not suggesting you abandon your mother, but that you consider all the options, not just those your relatives find acceptable. This is your life, not theirs.
Finally, if you do decide to bring your mother to your home, have some plans in place for respite. Adult day care, part-time aides, etc. so that you can get time away for your own activities. If these options are not affordable for you, I'd scrap the whole idea of bringing her to your home.
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