My mother has been difficult & challenging all my life, but I have always loved her dearly, because she's my mum. I have had decades of her always being ill, in pain, depressed, negative, injuries, allergies, food intolerances etc., and in the last 5 years frequent falls, injuries, attention seeking behaviour, manipulative, rude, self-absorbed, selfish, etc. My sis and I do alot for her and take her out, cheer her up, make her lunch etc, but she moans incessantly and takes her infirmity out on us. She is 80 and I've just had enough. She has drained/sucked the life force out of me. I am ready for her to pass on now, because her life sucks and mine is sadly heading that way. Any tips to help me thru this. I cd have years more of this. She has no friends, or partner and does not want to join any groups etc. HELP! Thank you.
Life is everlasting; consciousness, like energy, is neither created nor destroyed.
When we "die," we change state - like water going from ice to liquid to gas.
It is not wrong to hope someone escapes significant misery.
My world changes when someone I feel close to dies.
Grief and release can occur simultaneously.
You and others may not agree. This is obviously just my 2 cents. Perhaps it will provide some solace.
When I joined this forum , I honestly thought my 88 year old mom didn't have much more time left. Been doing this for 3 years.
Then hearing others stories, I realized my mom has an extreme Will to live and fear of dieing. Dementia, HBP, otoperosis, deteriorating back. Arthritis, but nothing that the doctors can't keep her going. honestly I'm realizing she may go on for a long time. I do wish I new that when I jumped into this gun ho, additude, I can do this and that, that I went into it slower. But I am glad I know this now.
I here all the time, oh your mom is so frail. They want to prepare me. I think I'm going to be well prepared because she my look frail, but she is also a very stubborn person
Last autumn, my mum weighed less than 5 stone because she hasn't eaten properly since her stroke (she's over 6 stone now through drinking milkshake supplement 4 times a day). She had a major cerebral hemorrhage 13 years ago; she has severe COPD; and she has epilepsy.
How is she still alive?!
She had worked with the elderly most of her life and, instead of making her more accepting of the inevitable, she became afraid of death. She has no willpower to make herself do anything she doesn't want to do, such as eat, but she has enough to cling onto life! Just.
I will miss my mum, but I hope that she doesn't go on too long, or the dementia will take her completely before she has been laid to rest.
You can only control your response. Don’t visit as often. Cut the visit short if it’s particularly miserable. Try to do one thing nice for yourself each day, it doesn’t have to be a big thing. It might help lift your spirits.
Hang in, you are not alone with these feelings.
Lunch out is a moan? Bring lunch to her instead.
Moans about lunch brought to her? Bring coffee & cake in the morning instead.
Moans about coffee & cake?
Bring nothing.
Moans about you visiting.
Visit for a shorter time.
Your Mother can decide how she wants to live. She can choose to enjoy visits with her family. Or not.
And to answer your question ….yes, a lot of us feel or felt this way .
Am I a horrible person for asking for that? I don't think so. Death is a sweet release, for many people. She had sucked the joy out of every person who was caring for her.
At her funeral, there was no real grief. We were all exhausted (and I didn't do ANYTHING but be a supportive spouse to my DH). It was closure so many of us needed.
In the time since she died, the relief and lifting of all of our spirits has been, well, almost embarrassing. People can and do outlive their 'sell by' date.
My Dh has not shed a tear. Has not said ONCE "I am so sorry mom's gone". B/C that would be a lie.
He's sorry she caused so much pain to so many people. He has some measure of sadness that HE couldn't 'fix' her, and couldn't cure whatever it was that made her so difficult. But missing her? No, he doesn't, and his OB and YS don't feel bad either.
There is a REALLY long post/thread about 'do you wish your LO would die" (something to that effect). Hundreds of posts on that.
I find that those OPs on the forum who seem to get thru better caregiving than others are those who use humor and have boundries. You have to set boundaries, I did and didn't even realize it. I still do.
I get overwhelmed if I have too much coming at me. I need order and and cannot deal with chaos. When Mom did not drive anymore, we picked a day and thats when she did her banking, shopping and ran errands. We took her out with us on Friday for dinner. We met 2 other couples at BK. One couple was Moms age so she sat with them. We sat with the other couple.
Its going to be hard at 80 to set boundaries but you can use your age too. "Sorry Mom, but I find now that I am older, working 8 hrs a day and trying to get everything done on weekends is just so tiring I really can't do that for you anymore". Maybe when she starts on all her problems you can say "I know what you mean Mom. I am starting to have those problems too."
Do not enable her or disable her. Ifvshe can make her own lunch, she needs to. Stop trying to make her happy. She will never be happy. Her havingbmo partner or friends is her fault, not yours. You and your sister should not try and fill that void. Maybe split your time up with Mom. Sis has her one week, you the next. That gives u each some breathing space. Look up "gray rock method" Maybe you can use that with Mom, learnbto block her out. Or be honest "Mom I cannot take your moaning and groaning anymore. Its become a bad habit I cannot deal with anymore. If you want to see me, you need to stop. Because everytime you start, I am walking out. We try and nothing makes u happy. So, I am going to stop trying. Because after 20 yrs I finally have realized, your just not a happy person and I can't do anything about that.
Then when she has a set back, I think, oh crap I'm not ready for this!
So it's kinda changes day by day on her mood and health. And my mood, my sleep , exc..... Your mom sounds a bit like mine. Difficult!!!
I guess it's just a roller coaster of emotion!!
That's the stage I'm at, I suspect I haven't been toucherd enough yet. 😂
I will not be grieving, just will feel tremendous relief to get this boulder off my shoulders. Their indefinite lingering has caused me undue stress.
I wouldn’t wish this situation on anyone.
He is "healthy" for his baseline and honestly, I see no end in sight. He has a pacemaker and defibrillator so I am not sure how this will all play out. We have been home since early February. And to be honest it feels like I have been doing this for over 6 months.
I think it is the unknown that is making this even harder.
Starr
Yes, I think it is time for her to move on to what is considered a "better place".
No guilt necessary for any of us, we have done what we can.
Dad tells me regularly, that he just wishes he could die soon, and wishes he could take his own life. Sometimes daily he is telling me this. So, yes, with all the misery, I'm ready for him to pass too. You should not feel like the feeling that you feel is taboo, especially if your LO themselves wishes they could pass.
For me, I'm in my mid 50s still, but if I am in bad shape when older, I hope that advanced directives towards physician assisted end of life/ " suicide" are more advanced and available .....
It's an awful feeling but it's normal.
You're right......mom may live another decade or more and wear YOU out before she wears out. What is YOUR plan to preserve your health and well-being in the meantime? You matter too, don't forget that.
I would say to honor your feelings. You have valid reasons for feeling as you do.
Accept that you are tired of living like this and why on earth wouldn’t you be? Ignore anyone who doesn’t understand how you feel.
Think about it though. Did you know that this would be as difficult as it is before experiencing it for yourself? Probably not. No one can truly understand how much we are affected by caregiving until we experience it firsthand.
Please feel free to vent on this forum anytime you want. We have all vented from time to time.
Don’t push yourself past your limits. Take care of your own physical and mental health. Your needs are equally as important as the person that you are caring for.
Wishing you peace as you continue on your caregiving journey.
It is likely that she will find a good many people to chat with about infirmities; my brother used to tease and laugh that this was what they all did out at the Gazebo while they watched the ambulances come and go.
You have to take responsibility for enabling your Mom in her use of you. You needed to make it clear that you have a life. If she has done this two decades then she was 60 when she started. She was, given aging today, quite young at 60. My daughter and son in law, 62/70 respectively are out hiking and traveling.
If she has no friends and makes no activities that is HER problem. NOT YOURS. Stop making yourself responsible for being her caregiver and chief support counsel. You are a daughter, not a caregiver. You aren't responsible for anyone's happiness but your own.
I would suggest seeing a counselor for some help in breaking out of a habitual way of being that isn't helping mom and isn't helping you, either.
I am 81. My daughter lives three states away from me. I would NEVER do this to her. She is now in the best years of her life, free of her children having raised and sent through college. She will soon retire and hubby is already retired. This is her time to have a GREAT LIFE for herself, not to throw her body on top of my funeral pyre. What a waste!