Or the man I care for. I moved in 5 yrs ago to help mom and step dad. I worked full time, then part time and then my mom died 4/15/16 and I quit working and took on caregiving and running the house. My stepdad has 5 biological daughters and I’m 1 of 2 of his stepdaughters. Only one of the biological comes to help for 3 weeks every 5-6 weeks. When she’s here I do get a little time to myself but not w/o judgement. I wonder how it’s so easy to make a choice to not help? I wonder if their choice is more intelligent than the one I made? I’ve lost relationships over this. I barely get to see my 4 year old granddaughter. I never go anywhere. I have no life of my own whatsoever. Every thought, decision and move I make is about caregiving. I’m lucky if I make it through a day w/o crying. I miss waking up and only having to think about anyone but me or going to bed whenever I feel like it. I have to force myself to face the day every morning! I promised my mom I would take care of him if she went first and I will but I’m losing everything that matters to me in the process. I never knew how difficult this would become!!! The incontinence, dementia, fear and insanity of it all!!! Feel so overwhelmed and crazy! Lonely too! Everything my parents own is mine when my stepdad dies but to me it’s just another burden I don’t want to deal with!!! I’d rather be having my own life with my own choices! I could go on forever!!! Just needed to vent and I hope I’m not the only one who has felt this way. It feels wrong, selfish and evil to wanna run but that’s how I feel. Wish I could find a way to go back in time and actually enjoy caregiving again! Can anyone do that for me ???
PS
I miss my mommy so much!!
Step 1. Call the local Area Agency on Aging tomorrow and ask for a "needs assessment". You need a professional assessment of what level of care your step dad needs.
Step 2. Gather information about step dads resources. Pension, SS, CDs, IRAs etc. Figure out what his income stream is. Ask the AAA for help in determining what his eligibility is for public funding like Medicaid.
Step 3. Gather YOUR resources. Resume, financial resources, friends you can stay with temporarily, real estate agency. You need a plan to re-launch yourself and your career.
Step 4. Have a talk with yourself. Have this talk with a therapist if you need to, but get it through to your innermost self that destroying your own life and future security is NOT what your mother asked you to do when she said "take care of stepdad".
She meant "make sure he's cared for, has a place to live and decent medical care". She did NOT mean "impoverish yourself, destroy your future and abandon all hopes and dreams of a normal life".
Your stepfather may need (and be able to afford enough in home care for you to go back to work. Or me may need placement in a skilled nursing facility and require Medicaid funding to fund that. Either way, YOUR job is to manage his care and to advocate for him. You'll have plenty to do, believe me.
My husband has moments of lucidity and then he is off the wall again. He calls me 7-8 times a day and even though it is good for him to hear my voice. And I don't want him to feel abandoned or unloved. Our conversations often exhaust me. And I find it hard to get things done that must be done. He left lots of messes behind for me to clean up before he was put in the facility. So, periodically I get angry at having to do it all myself. And sometimes I feel lonely. So it is normal to have a myriad of feelings under adverse circumstances.
My lawyer knows that I have seriously contemplated bringing my husband home and trying to get some help via medicaid I would be taking on the bulk of the help he needs. My lawyer told me that he has seen many caretakers die sooner than the person they are caring from due to the constant stress. Maybe it is time for you to find care for your step Dad and take your life back. It is not selfish for you to take care of yourself.
Note: I'm not saying this is going to happen to you but it is important to understand the strong impact of feeling helpless and trapped in impossible situations and stress and creating dis-ease in your body. See Mira Kelley's work, Dr. Joe Dispenza and Dr. Bruce Lipton.
Time for you to take care of you, Akward.
You are not alone in wanting to run away. I have offen thought about it myself. When I get to feeling this way I know I am getting burned out; therefore, it is time for a break whether it is 10 mins or a few hrs. You my friend are becoming burn out as well. I would think about--look into what Barb's plain is and explore it, then but into action.
Trust me your mom understand that what she asked of you was unfair and it is my belief that she knows that now. The vail has been lifted up and she sees it clearly. She still loves you.
Hugs!!
When you promised your mother you would take care of your step-father, did you promise you would do everything for him day and night and be there for him always? Or did you simply promise to take care of him?
You need some respite to think out the situation. When the one daughter comes for 3 weeks - take the time off and away if possible.
Ask yourself:
What is important in your life? Friends, family, pursuits...
What would a better balanced life look like for you and stepdad?
What aspects of care can be delegated to others?
What are the resources, including finances, top gain better balance in your own life?
You are in the position to make the decisions and the changes necessary. You can do this and regain rest, strength and care that doesn't wear you out.
And so you will. INDEED you will. This man was precious to your mother who was precious to you.
So... where in that promise does it say that you, yourself, will take on the work of the four to seven people needed to meet your stepfather's level of care?
The four absent bio daughters - are they refusing to participate or has it not even occurred to them?
and
"Everything my parents own is mine when my stepdad dies but to me it’s just another burden I don’t want to deal with!!! "
Well, this might explain why your stepdad's bio daughters aren't helping out. I actually think you're lucky that one of them comes to help. Do they know that you are to receive everything when stepdad dies? And are you sure that's the case, as in have you actually seen the will?
And, really, how much is it all worth anyway?
Dementia? Incontinence? How bad are things going to get?
Your mother was selfish in making you promise to take care of your stepfather. Would she want you to die before him? Because that is what could very well happen.
PLEASE get some counseling -- you are worth far more than being a slave to your stepfather's illness. Your stepfather needs to be in a facility.
Read this posting carefully. CTTN55 posts makes perfect sense to me. Everything said here is really important and extremely useful advice.
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