In the fall my mother handed over the keys to her car to me in an agreed arrangement that I would drive for her. She has a plethora of issues that have impacted her health and can barely walk. This arrangement is fine, we work together to make plans so that they are sensible and don't wear her out. The problem is that mom used to be grandma's caregiver (an "independent," living in her own home, nine-decader). I told mom that when I became her driver I could NOT extend the errands/rides to grandma. Mom was not the sole caregiver. There are others who drive grandma. In the years leading up to mom temporarily giving up driving I watched as the lack of boundaries wore away and impacted her health. I even told her I thought grandma's demands and emotional exaustion were damaging her. I am certain that the stress is not helping here and now. Technically, my grandma is in better health than my mother. Mom is incapable of disconnecting as a caregiver even though she struggles to get out the car herself. Grandma insists that 'mom' drive her once a month to an appointment--that translates to me. Now, I already drive my mother to her own doctors appointments, groceries, bank, shopping trips, med pick ups... this is a LOT over the month. But again, I am fine with mom's needs--she works with me to make sure it's as convenient as possible. I work with her to get these in around running my business from home.
The demand from grandma comes through communication with my mom (who is struggling to track things through medication and fibro-fog). Grandma makes appointments and doesn't arrange rides, she expects the family to just be able to do it whenever the heck she needs one. She calls and it's "You're doing it." She does this to my mom. Who then calls me. I was busy for two of these months, and STILL ended up having to run grandma. This caused a serious upset between mom and I. Mom told me with grandma I could say no and she would honor that. Well, she won't honor that. The boundary issue is being violated across two generations here. When mom and I talked she got upset because she's stuck with grandma yelling at her until she gets her way, a condition that has been enabled for decades. The option of calling public transportation is out. Grandma insists it be family. She has memory issues, and this means often she thinks she made arrangements and hasn't. And on top of that insists that no one ever comes over and takes her places--yet she can't call the other drivers for this appointment cause they are already driving her too much <--see what's happening? Grandma's happiness is unattainable and she's used to mom caving in to her every whim. When mom and I were discussing the recent appointment she repeated something I heard last time--"I'll just have to get better and get driving again..." Ummm, and then decline her health. Signs show she is incapable of realizing her impossible to please mom's WANTS are more important than her own SAFETY. Yes, I have point blank mentioned this. I get a begrudging agreement that lasts as long as a phone ring.
That is the core problem here. I'm in a seriously tricky spot as the caregiver of a boundary-less caregiver. The stress of dealing with my emotionally abusive grandma is continuing to cripple my mother and wearing on me.
How can I draw the line and stick to it? Cause even when I do, the line caves because mom flatly refuses to respect my boundary if grandma is involved. Others in the extended family can say no and have it stick--but because mom is in between I'm stuck with the "What and I gonna do?"-fest. And no--I cannot talk directly to grandma. That will backlash on mom, unfortunately. My grandma, though she talks to the rest of my cousins, only calls me in a panic if she cannot reach my mom via phone. Looking forward to experienced suggestions.
How can your mother refuse to accept your decision? You are not driving GM. No. Just no. Here's the number of a senior transportation service.
If you stick to your boundaries with Mom, what happens? She threatens to leave? She talks about suicide? She calls you names and pouts?
What exactly is preventing you from saying No and sticking to it?
I drove mom to an appointment today and we talked in the car. As she was physically depending on me to get her across the parking lot, I told her how much it bothered me when she brought up taking the car back in her condition. She told me she doesn't mean it, it's just what she says when she is frustrated. I replied it isn't a healthy thought and shows how much grandma is controlling things. It got around to how the whole family is beaten by grandma's tantrums. I flat out told my mother that it has to stop--period. That boundaries have to be set and the family needs to stand firm--and that I was not going to tolerate my set boundary to be crossed again. I reiterated that I promised to drive mom, not mom's mom. In the end mom wanted to be done with it and changed the subject--we were almost home.
Mom called me when I got home and we spoke more at length about the issue. Specifically why things have to be done. I think given the longer time for things to sink in she is getting the picture. She offered that grandma really doesn't understand that things are bad, and mom is disabled. That comprehension is the problem. And yes--she recognizes that the family cracks. What I got when I stood my ground was my mom breaking down on the phone, telling me "Well, what am I gonna do? No one else can take her?" Regretfully, this was before I read the article about having the "independent" elderly individual face the consequences, I wish I would have said that. The discussion we just finished included me telling my mother that it's time for grandma to solve her own problems, that mom shouldn't feel guilty about not swooping to her rescue. I heard a bit of resistance, but she seemed to realize during the discussion that it was feeding the problem.
These are really painful conversations that shouldn't be... and it's because of the shaming and guilt tripping that stems from grandma. No one tells her no and sticks to it. No one until me. I offered my solution for the appointment issue which is that from now on both my mom and grandma make this hair appointment on the same day. I take them both there, drop them off, come back when they are done. Because I am already taking mom, it's already a time slot I have saved. If grandma doesn't make the appointment for the same day--TOUGH! NOT DOING IT! I flat out told my mother that we're not even discussing beyond that and pushing me would come between us--not something I wanted to see happen.
Mom is still detrimentally stuck in the caregiver mode for grandma. I don't know what I can do to help there, aside from nudge her into standing up for herself.
Anyway, thanks for posting--at the least I get the reassurance that I was not wrong about saying NO.
"Mom, make sure you make your future appointments when you are not suffering from fibro pain, take an Uber ride, a senior ride, a real taxi, or a bus." "Because I am not driving anyone for the entire month of February."
They can cancel the doctor's appointments.
I recently had to say "No" and got the same guilt trips your Mom is laying on you. It doesn't matter what HER boundaries are, they are YOUR boundaries. Your Mom should just STOP asking you at all for rides on Grandma's behalf, not even discussing grandma's needs if she respected you. I finally had to discover how I was a part of the dysfunction, perpetuating my own distress. Detach with love.
Find out what that means. Detach with love. Draw stronger lines in the sand.
Trying to help you here. That is what tough love sounds like, when it is no longer nice to be nice.
OR, you can continue to negotiate DRIVING GRANDMA to a joint hair appointment. When you already said you will not be driving grandma. See how that works?
I had to stop answering my phone! Of all things. And, talked it out with a friend. Still, I am helpless, helpless, helpless!
GM's driving volunteer can't do it anymore. So GM needs to find another way. How? She might call one of her grandchildren and ask for help. She might call all of her grandchildren and ask if they can take turns driving her. She could call Area Agency on Aging and ask what transportation might be available. She could ask one of her grandchildren or a church friend or her neighbor to make some calls to find out what options she has. Notice that all of these reasonable approaches require some action on GM's part.
GM did NOT ask you to drive her. She isn't even talking to you. She pressures your mother. Not fair! If she wants your help, the very least she must do is ask for it directly. Then she can accept the conditions (same appt day as Mom) or look elsewhere.
Mom is stuck in caregiver mode? That is delusional. Her days of driving GM are over.
And I involuntarily shuddered when I read about the 2 for 1 hair appointment idea. No....
Next but not least by any means, get POA papers in place quickly asap for your mother. The cost is minimal in comparison to the stress this will save. Be sure to email the POA papers to her insurance, bank etc. Good luck
Barb: nope, blocking the phone number is not an option here. Mom has a need for contact with her, and I will respect that. We're not trying to end the relationship, just need to get boundaries here.
Newnormal: I think you may have hit the nail on the head, or gotten close to it. This is a case where I have been thrust into the role of mothering mother. I've been helping mom out for longer than just the autumn when she admitted the muscle spasms and pain were too much, and the grandma issue has been one for a long time. I have attempted in the past to help mom realize that boundaries were essential. During a time when mom had an issue that had her contagious grandma's needs were met by the REST of the family--allbeit, not to grandma's standards. And that is the thing. My mother was the only one of her kids who would do things however grandma wanted--to the point of injuring my mother. Yes--that was one heck of a discussion! There are others in the family who help, but grandma insists on asking mom even though she "knows" mom's health is flagging. When mom and I had the recent row she went on about the others drive grandma and are doing things for her, but grandma feels she can't ask them for more. I know--the issue here is that grandma isn't asking for 'mom's good graces, they're trespassing into mine. Mom is falling for the "No one ever comes and visits" guilt trip even when she knows damn well grandma is taken care of. When it comes to my mom's needs alone the boundaries are fine. We discuss availability and make plans. But as soon as grandma is in the mix the negotiation becomes emotionally charged and mom turns into a guilt ridden child afraid to inconvenience her own mom. That is what I have been trying to build a dam against. When mom was her caregiver, Grandma trampled her, I don't want her doing it to me through my mom's weakness. I have spoken to the rest of the family. They know about mom's issues and they do understand. It is my grandma who is pushing this to the breaking point by expecting others to "make it work". Part of my recent agreement with mom is that there is no more discussion beyond this point. The joint hair appointments are a slight return to something they used to do together. Grandma can't say mom doesn't do something with her. BUT if grandma changes the date, grandma is responsible for arranging the ride--it is not mom's problem, and doesn't become my problem. I hope this will put this to bed... but yeah, I also have a feeling it's going to rear up again. Thanks for the information on the POA papers. I will look into that. I have two siblings as well, we have been talking about the issues at length and have struggled on getting mom to drop the caregiver line. I will be honest, I think my grandma is having more than just memory issues. Again, getting mom's generation to get past the denial has been impossible. At the moment, I feel trapped and am trying to keep the guilt trip avalanche at bay. The boundaries are the right thing to do, and it appears I am the only one who will do this to grandma.
YOU know how to say no and can point gma in other directions.
Caregiving is going to kill your mom, look up the statistics.
It is clear that you have your Mom's best interests at heart. That is what makes a good, loving caregiver.
Be sure that you don't wear yourself out early.
Can you hire a driver to drive grandma and mother both on the same day, one full day a month? Using their own funds of course.
During this transition it is really important to remember that all of you are treading uncharted territory...this is now your new normal. Don't be afraid to ruffle a few feathers by telling mom that things are changing and while both grandma and mother are important, is now necessary to get others involved for the well-being of you as her daughter, your mom, and your grandmother. Let your mom know that you will take care of everything and that she's not to worry as you will make sure that they continue to visit with each other to make your time more enjoyable and less stressful by running errands. It sounds like you're getting your mental space in place for the long road ahead.
I empathize with you but I think your mom should have told her mother of her decision not to drive anymore to let gma know she may need to make other arrangements going forward. It’s still not too late to get gma to understand this.
Of course your mother is worried about her mother’s transportation. That’s her mom!
If I were you I would simply start over using guidelines and boundaries set by you as you are the one most impacted. Give them a calendar to work out who needs to go where and when, and let gma or mom know when they need to change their plans.
You should be commended for volunteering to drive your mother where she needs to go. Since you are in the “driver’s seat” those 2 should work with your schedule. Inform the both of them they need to communicate with each other to make this work and that your taxi service isn’t open 24/7.
Good luck!
And the demand for transportation sequence could be set to an automatic chain of grandma-mother-you-alternative drivers.
Which would still be a pain, because it involves your mother's anxiety and your (if it were mine, extreme) irritation; and you would need the Alternative Drivers to be cheerful, forbearing types; but the net result would still be somebody else driving grandmama, in her coach-and-four if she likes, which is the main thing.
We do have a comparable situation in our family in that my MIL's main carer is my SIL who suffers guilt in spades; and it falls to SIL's husband to mediate. On one rare occasion when they had got away for a weekend break, it took both husband and me almost physically holding SIL down to stop her (needlessly) calling her mother.
How to stop somebody worrying when she already knows, but cannot feel, that her worry is groundless... I'm not sure there is an answer.