My Dad (81) is physically very healthy, but has struggled with anxiety and depression since I was a teenager. His medication has helped immensely.
My mom (83) has had a huge number of serious health issues, starting with a near fatal collapse on a cruise ship in 2012. Nothing was determined 100% - maybe an infection in her brain, maybe not... anyway, she has some permanent brain damage, along with loss of smell and taste, some vision loss, severe hearing loss, and some trouble controlling the left side of her body. Her courage and determination are AMAZING. She is the strongest person that I know. She fell in March and broke her hip. She's already progressed to walking with a cane.
However, as she was recovering in a nursing home, she and my dad decided that they were ready for assisted living.
I'm still working on getting rid of their stuff - I have 3 storage units, a garage, and a basement full of their belongings, and the belongings of my aunt who passed away in January. Yikes.
So, anyway, they've made this move to help me, and it has.
The one struggle that seems to be worse than ever is that they fight, and fight, and fight. They are both used to being very independent people (they married at 36 and 38). My dad still walks up to 5 miles a day, so that gets him out of the house. But, when they're together, they bicker about EVERYTHING: bills, laundry (they don't even have to DO it anymore), the newspaper, the television (volume), what time to go downstairs for dinner, what time to go to bed, where did an item get moved, etc. etc.
I get that all of this is perfectly normal. What's not normal is that we've all become such an enmeshed little "team" that they each tattle to me about the other. I have had problems with anxiety since I was a teen, and it's pretty regulated by medication. I do call my parents 4 times a day, at set times. This is my choice - it calms my anxiety to know that they're ok. BUT, when I call and they're fighting, my anxiety skyrockets. The easy answer would probably be to wean away from calling so often. They're being taken care of. Someone from the facility will call if anything happens. But, I have trouble letting go. That's co-dependency in a nutshell, isn't it? Thoughts?
You are living a totally “what if” life. Are you fearful that if something does happen, you will be blamed because you didn’t call them constantly that day? Or that you will blame yourself? When you call and they’re fighting tell them you’re sorry you called at a “bad time” and they should call back when it’s a better time. Must you listen (and most likely put in your two cents) when they ask you to referee their fights?
If you have no hobbies or outside interests, it’s time to find some; photography, blogging, volunteering, etc. A few sessions with a therapist would be a good idea as well. Find your own place in this life and expand on it. Your parents will be fine. They’ve made it this far!
Good Luck.
Do they have a newer mobile phone by chance? What about having them wear a Fitbit or similar health tracker? Then you can log in and check the website and see their heartbeat and number of steps to know they're alive. :)
Just because they are arguing fiercely doesn't mean they are not devoted to each other. Try to avoid being in the middle as a referee. They may be sharing/venting to you because they have don't any other close friends left; a situation that may change now that they are in AL.
You need to walk away a bit and leave your folks to settle into their new community. Break up the "team" a little for both your sakes. Take small steps, like only calling Mom and Dad twice a day, then once a day, maybe even every other day.
Might not work for parents though.
When you call and they are bickering say:
"Just checking in to see if you okay. I can tell by your bickering with each other, that you are. I'll talk with you later. Bye!
Hangup immediately.
Don't threaten. Just do,
Remember the serenity prayer? Lots of truth in that. I have become much wiser and dare I say hardened since I've been on this 6 year journey with my dad. YES they will call you if something happens to them there. That's the whole point of living in a place like that. Calling 4 times a day is a lot. I hope you can wean yourself off that as it's not serving you. But one thing I also see is a lack of boundaries on their part by tattling to you and on your part by not telling them it's not ok. That is where a therapist can help you if you can't figure out how to get the backbone to tell them. There are good books on setting boundaries which also help you feel like you have some control over what happens in your life. Henry Townsend is one author I can think of. SO don't let them gossip to you and try using you to pit one against the other...it's not healthy. You can't control whether they bicker...these are patterns they've adapted. Is it healthy? No, but you can't change it only they can. And I doubt that they will.
You called just to check on them and if the usual bickering routine is going on, they are ok. Hang up and smile...they're ok.
After my father died, my mother didn't have a good word to say about him. Finally, and after therapy, I just told her that she picked him to be my father, I had nothing to do with it, and she stayed with him. He left her a decent retirement and I didn't want to hear any more bad things about him. He was my Daddy, that she picked for me, and I loved him. After that if she forgot herself and started talking smack about him, she would look at me and say in a nasty voice, "Oh, That Is Right!! you don't want to hear anything bad about him". I would calmly say, "That is correct."
Don't call so often, call once in the morning to make sure they made it through the night, and once in the evening to be sure they made it through the day. And, try not to take 4 years like it did me to get some backbone.
You probably don’t need to call them as often as you do, especially since it clearly stresses you out. When one starts talking to you about the other, you can gently refuse to engage or change the subject. If you don’t, it’s not going to stop, and you have already heard your share of complaints.
Good luck. It doesn’t make you a bad person to set boundaries with your parents for the sake of your own mental/emotional well-being. Don’t walk into that trap. We all need to set limits on what we can and can’t realistically deal with.
Set boundaries, first for yourself and stick to them. Your parents are adults and truly appreciate being treated as such. Cut the calling down to once or twice a day. If they need you they will call.
Now, get your parents away from each other for extended periods during the day everyday of the week. If you live where there is a day social program get your mom involved in that. It's an environment that is safe and she can interact with other people besides your father and you. Get your father connected to other people...men...in some type of social group so he too is not functioning in a solitary way. Get him to go to the barbershop and sit and shoot the breeze.
Keep in mind, for the better part of their relationship they were not with each other 24/7. Trying to do so now with the added pressure of health issues only makes things more stressful. They have nothing better to do than to argue because they don't have other things to talk about if they're not getting away from each other and interacting with other people.
I know because my parents sound very much like yours...this is what has worked for me.
Now, mother is in memory care and I keep the calls and the visits brief. There is truly no need to worry about people who are well cared for without our constant interference.
Best of luck
I AM one of the Parents, My Husband of 54 Years, being 75, to My 71.
I see Our 49 Year Old Daughter, in You. She does have a Brother Who, for the most part, throws money at Us and let's Her do just about everything else.
She runs a Rescue Ranch, for Horses and Dogs..ALONE!
What's worse, however, is that She's had a polyp on 1 lung, for Years, that remained 4cm, and now has jumped to 9.
She's told Her DR 'not now', for Surgery.
Like You, We are Out Own, tight little Group, Dependent on each Other..to a point.
'I'm am My Husband's Sole Caregiver, when She isn't here, for End-Stage Heart Failure, and was put under HOSPICE CARE AT HOME 3 YEARS AGO! He also has Dementia, and pulls every stunt imaginable, which has cost Us Thousands, in what has become originally, but eventually unnecessary Home repairs.
WE, too, 'kibitz', a lot, and like You it makes Her nervous, but to Us it's normal, and part of the ebb & flow, of 54 Years of living Together.
My DR says I should also be on HOSPICE, which isn't going to happen, as long as I have any say so.
YOu will find that 1 Parent is stronger than the Other, OR They may 'take turns', on different Days, depending on WHO needs the Other, at the moment.
Believe Me, THEY have Their OWN SYSTEM, though You may not be aware of it. They also, are 'giving You the business ', to a point.
If they are mobile, have '