My frail 93 year old widowed mother lives alone in her hoarded house. The entire house is affected- curtains closed always, stuff (papers, etc) piled everywhere, plastic bags hanging from knobs all over the place, "goat paths," no where to prepare food or sit, expired food, sticky floors, house smells like urine... She cannot get upstairs to a bedroom or bathroom, so she sleeps on her filthy sofa and cannot bathe regularly. For years, I tried (without success) to convince her to move in with or move near one of her 4 adult children. I am one of three daughters and there is a brother, the oldest. The brother is the favorite- To illustrate: When brother suddenly hit my two year old son for whining, I was angry and my mom took my BROTHER'S side! But- back to the current issue- We girls tried to help clean and organize after our father died, and long story short- we were not able to touch a single thing. She became very angry over us trying to throw away some plastic packaging- nearly ten years later it is still an issue. The brother comes to visit from another state and "takes care of her" a couple weekends each month. The care does not involve cleaning or decluttering--the mess is worse every time I see it. He criticizes us for "trying to throw away all mama's stuff" - but we didn't.
Three years ago, my mother had a medical event and, because my brother lives out of state, she went to live at my sister's house to recover for about a month. She received round the clock care, nutritious food, and was given water to drink on a regular schedule, was taken to excellent doctors and received in-home physical therapy. (Mom had not been taking doctor's advice prior to this, but my sister made sure doctor's orders were being followed to a T.) My sister could not sustain this level of care (she works full time and was up several times each night to help with restroom needs), and that is when she told him it was not a sustainable situation and asked him to have a discussion with her about next steps- whatever that would be, but she could not provide 24/7 care indefinitely. It turned into a yelling argument (about stupid childhood stuff that had nothing to do with the current crisis) and he stopped talking to all of us- except to yell at me when I reached out to him. He has not spoken to any of us in almost 3 years now. I tried to reach out, esp during the holidays, but he did not respond. We sisters have since stopped all attempts to talk with her about her options to living alone and have not tried to clean or anything. Literally, I have touched nothing on the occasions I have visited since. I stand because there is no where to sit there.
I have since read extensively about hoarding disorder, and I now know better than to try to fix a hoarding situation when the person is unwilling to be helped. My brother does not see the situation as pathological. He said he would build a house for her and him to live in IF she would commit and put up money for the house. In the meantime, she is becoming more and more disabled. Her legs are in bandages from sores that won't heal. It is just insane. She won't allow anyone to come inside the house - not even to repair things, and there would be hell to pay if I told anyone (like a social worker or Adult Protective Services) about the inside of the house. She never accepts my offers to visit. She only calls me when she needs me to pick up meds for her. I am now estranged from my brother and won't be reaching out to him again in the future. Mom CANNOT take care of herself and shouldn't be living alone. My sisters are "over it" and are just letting it be. I am more conflicted. I tried so hard, so long, to help. Sometimes I feel like wishing mom and brother the best and walking away forever with no expectations of either of them. My counselor (for depression) says call APS. Mom would just say brother is "taking good care" of her- same thing she tells her doctors and that would be the end of that.
This does NOT mean that you are also not "letting it be".
You are placing responsibility for your mother's well- being, where it belongs-- on her and alerting the authorities to her vulnerable position.
What is the downside? That mom will be mad at you? So, she will figure out another way to get her meds.
Being able to have a a difference of opinion with your parent is one if the hallmarks of adulthood.
You KNOW she shouldn't be living like this. Make the call today and be done with it.
At 93 years old she should NOT be financing a home with anyone, like your brother. This may likely cause her to be disqualified from Medicaid. No monies or assets should be transferred at all! Medicaid look-back can be up to 5 years, like in my state, 2.5 years minimum in others. I totally understand your quandry...I took control of my MIL and stepFIL's affairs because I could see the trainwreck coming right at us. In your case I'd keep up the healthy boundaries and don't do more than calling APS and taking photos for evidence. Don't enable her by bringing her meds. It will be hard. It's hard already. Hang in there. I wish you peace in your heart.
2) If you are resistant to taking your therapist's advice to call APS, how do you work through that with the therapist? At some point, the therapist (as a mandated reporter) might be required to 'report' a vulnerable adult.
I understand you are conflicted. It is not helpful to your Mom, and not helpful to you.
If you are unable to communicate with Brother because of history, the call APS and ask for WELLNESS CHECK, and tell them what you told us, all of it, including fact Bro is POA and you cannot communicate with him.
After that you have done what you can. Withdraw and get on with your own life.
The moral of the story is this: There is only SO much YOU can do here. Call APS. Let THEM tell YOU there's nothing THEY can or will do. That way, your conscience will be clear that you tried your best to help your mother, but your hands were tied. If she dies in there, it's on HER terms and that's her choice. Her right, in fact. You may feel badly about it, but in the end, you've allowed her to live HER life with dignity and grace.
I know this is a very tough situation for you. But you need to realize your own helplessness IN it. You can't 'do' a single thing to save a person from herself. You can't clean up a hoarder's home, they'll just hoard it back up again. You can't fix your broken brother, either, so washing your hands of his nonsense is best. Raising a hand to your daughter was the last straw. Wish him a nice life and move on.
Good luck & Godspeed, my friend. I sincerely hope you can find relief from your depression and realize this is YOUR life to live. Your mother has and had HER life and is doing with it as SHE sees fit. You have no control over that.
Calling APS gets mom on the official "radar" of the social services system. As another poster said, she may be deemed competetent to make her own bad decisions, in which case you can at least be assured that there is nothing else you can do.
I don't understand why you are hesistant to do so.
And what are you paying now? Is this heaven?
I can't really see what you've got to lose. I think your counsellor is right on the money. Pictures of the interior would be ideal, pictures of her legs might be helpful too, but in any case get on to APS with a factual, unemotional description of her living conditions, self-neglect and refusal of family support.
With women like this, there is always 'hell to pay' when their secrets are divulged, and EVERYTHING is a deep dark secret. That's when the gaslighting comes out BIG time. The one who divulged the secret is the 'liar', so a convoluted story has to be made up about it, painting a picture of this 'liar' as the Bad Guy & how the mother is the Good Guy. The Golden Child son, in this case, is there to protect momma and all of her secrets, and to keep her hoarding stash safe from removal. They're in cahoots together, the two of them, against the rest of the world & the big bad sisters who are out to spill all their secrets.
"We're only as sick as the secrets we keep" is the old saw that always comes to mind when I think about all the secrets I've been told to keep on behalf of my mother, and the lies she's told when I'd divulge one to 'make her look bad'..........the worst mortal sin of them all.
To the OP: You're already paying hell here, what's the difference if you add a bit more to the pile?
In the letter address safety hazards of the house, filth, filth combined with wounds not healing and tell him you are willing to work with him to get her into a better, cleaner living situation. Where she sleeps in a clean bed, takes bathes, can cook and store food in a clean area. You know he wants better for mom the same as you do. Some kids just don't argue the point when mom/parent has your number and can guilt you. Or they just plain wear you down to wear the argument is not worth it. Perhaps he can find a way to work WITH you on this.
Without being accusatory, tell him the whole situation is a huge concern because if something happens to her in that mess and police or ems have to go in to help her, they are going to be seeking answers from all of you wanting to know why she was allowed to live in those conditions. It's very likely nothing would come of it because she has the right to live that way, but certainly would be a hard thing to deal with if they asked those questions because they found her dead in there. Guilt would be enormous and it would be too late to take any action.
If brother doesn't respond, then call aps and let them deal with mom. If they determine she knows she is living in filth and it is by choice, they won't do anything. However, their visit may prompt her to get things in better order out of pure embarrassment. Best of luck to you.
Also, I’m guessing your brother stands to inherit the lions share being the favorite. Maybe everyone has different goals.
Your responsibility to any human is to what is most helpful to the health and safe for them. If she wasn’t your mother what would you recommend be done?
Do you have POA and/or Medial POA? If yes than you could discuss this with her dr, or ask if the office has a social worker who can advise you. You will have to do the heavy lifting here as they usually have limited power but might be able to point you in the right direction for advice.
Your mother has a legal right to live her life as she wishes but sounds like her home is becoming a health hazard for herself and her neighbors. Would you want to live next door to a rat infested property? You might contact the local health department and tell them as well as APS. Good luck.
If you want him to know, by all means tell him. Then call APS. It’s absolutely your duty to watch out for the elderly, who can’t watch out for themselves. And your brother is an idiot. I think you’ll feel better knowing that you, at least, got more eyes on her situation.
I don't understand why you have not done something already. If you can't contact APS, then contact her doctor, show doctor pictures of squalor mom is living in. APS will not divulge who reported or what was reported. Information that they collect is confidential.
Doc knows mom's sores and health condition. You might be able to fill in a few blanks. Doctor is a mandated reporter. If doc called APS it might be taken more seriously. But get going, do something and DO NOT BOTHER WITH ANYTHING THAT HASN'T WORKED BEFORE.
Even if he doesn't, unfortunately he will always be her Golden Boy. There are a lot of daughters on here who have experienced the same. The mother feels the son can do no wrong and the daughter can't do anything right.
I'm voting you call APS. They will come out and no matter what your mom says about her son taking good care of her, they will see he indeed isn't.
I totally agree with your response. I ended up moving my mother in with me for 8 years, but I was retired and therefore did not have to go out of the home to work. I know that is does not sound like this would work for the lady in this question. My heart goes out to everyone involved.