My mother was living with my sister in a filthy house with mold and animal feces. She fell and had a stroke. After being released from the hospital to a rehab/nursing. We had all agreed a nursing home was best. She agreed. After Awful care and neglect I got her out of nursing home and brought her into my house. I thought I could do it. We have never had a great relationship but I just couldn't have her being neglected (missing meds, dirty diapers all day, etc.)
I made a terrible mistake. She is verbally abusive and hateful, and down right MEAN!!!
I need to find another nursing home for her soon before I have a breakdown.
How do I go about doing this?
Who should I contact to do it or to help me? I honestly don't want to do anything else for her.
I am aware I put myself in this situation!! I was trying to do the right thing for her, but I am having panic attacks and don't want to be in my own home.
Please don't judge.
I'm reaching out for help of a mistake I made.
You tried to take care of her on your own and have found it to be impossible. Nobody needs to be verbally abused and hated on every day by somebody they are trying to help. I don't think I could do it.
Medicare has a thing that lets you compare the different nursing homes in your area. I think it also lists Medicaid nursing homes. Hopefully, you can find a better one than the one you removed her from. Don't be so hard on yourself, you've done the best you can and done alot more than any people would.
https://www.medicare.gov/care-compare/
Do not tolerate bad behavior. She is a giant baby who needs to be reminded regularly that there are rules. While she may not be able to understand a lot of what you are saying or doing, she is capable of understanding the word "no!" Its ok to set limits. If you find you are losing your temper with her, leave the room until you can do things calmly. You may have to leave more than once. You may even have to leave her in a wet diaper for awhile. It won't kill her.
You can't care for someone else if you don't care for yourself. Jesus said, "love your neighbor," but added, "as yourself." You won't have the resources to care for her if you don't take care of you.
Nursing and care homes will do better if you visit a couple of times a week. Don't hesitate to request that certain needs be met. Be sure and commend the caretakers for what they do right; they are people, too and they have a tough job.
No place is going to measure up to the care you would give her but she's making it impossible for you to do it yourself. Make a list of your expectations and then evaluate how close the homes you investigate measure up to that list. You won't find any that get a hundred percent; they aren't family and even family can't do it all. But, there are many in that field who do care and are trying their best. Let them know you appreciate them, thank them, commend them, bake them some brownies now and then. Caretakers are not overpaid so give them a reason to take good care of your mother.
Part of your struggle is letting go. You aren't able to fix the things that have gone wrong in her brain. In your heart, you want her to be happy, healthy and ok. Her condition would have happened whether you were around or not. Its not your fault. Do your best and then let go of the guilt. You didn't make her the way she is. Its part of the aging process in this world we live in today.
See your doctor about those panic attacks. Panic attacks are dangerous. Also, limit your association with those who want to judge you. They aren't in your shoes. If they want to help, ask (don't demand) them to do specific things that will give them a sense of caring but not get in the way of your efforts to provide for your mom. Example: buy her some new nighties and slippers or have a special meal brought in from her (or your) favorite restaurant once or twice a month. Be sure you don't insist on them buying a brand or style you like. If its food, keep the focus on your mother, not you. This is their contribution to her care, not yours.
These are lessons I've learned over the past few years. I've been through this with my mother and my uncle. I hope sharing will help. I noticed a few good ideas in the postings here about places that may help you find the right resources.
N.
I believe it will be the best thing getting your mom into an assisted living facility. No matter how much we may want to have our elderly parents live in our home, we are not trained to provide the appropriate care they need for whatever medical issues they have.
Also rest assured that you need to keep the role as a daughter, than caregiver.
My 90 year old mom has been living in my home with my husband and me now for 3 years. This year my health has depleted, I have more anxiety, depression , stress & getting severe migraines. In June I suffered a TIA( stroke ) I was hospitalized for 7 days. It was scary & an eye opener.
My mom has dementia & sundowners. When it gets dark, she becomes more aggressive, anxious & wanderers especially after midnight. There is no peaceful nights, I no longer have a sleep pattern. I take the night shift, as my husband works 5 am & needs to get some sleep. I had to stop working (for now) even when I changed my schedule to night shift. I worried that my mom would do something irrational, like call 911, throw things or break a window. Worried about my husband being home alone with her. I worried that I couldn’t protect my husband from having the police show up.
I have no siblings (my only brother-older than me-passed away in 2017 from complications of gallbladder surgery)
Will be starting the process of getting my mom into an assisted living facility within these next months.
Best of luck to you.
Best if luck!
Use your personal friend network.
Do a private friends only post on Facebook asking if anyone has had a close friend or family member in a local nursing home. Ask your hairdresser, your fellow church members, etc. That way you have an idea of places you want or even more importantly don't want.
Dont get sidetracked by the "shiny". Clean and well kept, yes a must. But older is OK. When you visit see how the staff interacts with the residents. Unfortunately especially right now a lot of turnover is happening, and they are often short staffed.
As far a logistically, try to get some respite caregivers in from an agency to get you relief, and give you time to get things sorted. If hospice is an option, use them. They've been great with my mom, who is in Memory Care. A Dr visit monthly, a nurse visit weekly, a social worker and chaplin visit every 2 weeks, and an aide every day comes to check her out and help her get dressed every weekday and also bathe. They would also be a great resource in getting her placed.
My mom's doctor had a social worker associated, so they may be able to help. I think that if you find a place you want they have staff to help you get paperwork and transfer done.
A final resort would also be to transport her to hospital, and then have them arrange placement, but I don't know how much choice you get in the matter at that point. But if it comes to that, you need to know where you don't want her to go, so you can advocate for her to be placed elsewhere.
Finally, give yourself a break. You ARE helping your mom. You got her out of a bad situation, and you are doing the best you can right now, and you realize that you can't meet all her needs. You are going to find the best place to meet her needs, and that is a blessing for her.
Also, remember, nothing has to be permanent. If it works for awhile, then you think it is time to make a change, you can do it then.
Research other placement options. When you find one that you believe will do a better job than the last one, you move your mother there. She does not have to agree. If she cannot take care of herself, she need to be in a care facility.
Even though you did not have a great relationship with your mother, your gracious heart reached out to take care of her. That is admirable. Please do not be upset if I have been too harsh with you.
Secondly, reach out to local government to see what beds are available, even another state if need be.
There are ungrateful miserable men and women no matter what their age. They are the ones that deserve to be in seniors homes. Believe me, they do not tolerate that behavior there.
Thirdly if it your house lay down the law that she is to be respectful and grateful towards you or get the @ell out. If it gets out of hand, call the police and inform them that she is being abusive and you cannot tolerate it anymore. Then it is their problem.
Nursing homes are not all bad. They are never like one's own home, but the conditions you describe are unforgivable and should probably be reported to the Health Dept. (or whoever is responsible in your state. Maybe the State Board of Nursing who usually inspects such institutions... at least in my state).
I am not Catholic, but in my experience, homes run by church or charitable organizations tend to be better. A patient doesn't always have to be affiliated with the organization to receive care. Also, there are independent organizations whose function is to help families find good care for their elders.
Be sure to visit, in person, any facility you consider. You have already noticed problematic areas in your mothers nursing home.
Good to visit at mealtime to see what help available for patients. You can observe the food, but don't be misled by some specially prepared diets such as pureed which look unappetizing but are needed by some residents. There should be a nurse near enough to assist at mealtime if needed.
When you enter the facility, does the place pass the "smell test". If common areas smell of urine or feces, beware. It's wise to take a knowledgeable person with you for an extra set of eyes (and nose).
Are residents who are out of bed, engaged in some activity (probably few will be, but watching TV is better than nothing). Based on your own experience, ask questions of anybody willing to talk to you. Make notes to yourself about what to ask.
God bless you for continuing to search out care for your mom, even though you are not especially close. She is very lucky to have a daughter like you who really cares!
Talk to her doctor and a social worker. Tell them about her needs, and behaviors. And contact other nursing homes or memory care.
I wish you success placing your mom in a place that is good for her
IRIS is a program that helps people stay in their home and will help her with her financial needs. So if she needs a person to come in to help they will provide the funding. Caregivers can be family or friends too. They will also provide for things that are not covered by her insurance. That would include things for in the home or outside activities or therapies.
If your sister could get some financial help to take care of the home and your mother, she could resume care or you could both work together.
Now, if you have her taken to a doctor and he doesn't diagnose her with dementia, then it's time to lay down some ground rules and be ruthless with them. You tell her to keep her damn mouth shut, and you lay down whatever other rules you want her to follow. If she refuses, then you call the APC and let them know that you can't deal with her as she is being unreasonable.
I am also glad that you realize your mom needs 24/7 care - something nobody can do alone.
Start getting some help now until you find a good home for your mom. Ask for volunteers for a couple hours every week or a day. Ask family members, friends, members of your faith community... Then look into paid help - sitters and home health aides - whatever you can afford. This will give you a little respite while you search nursing homes.
Given that your mom had a stroke, she probably needs a total care nursing home and not assisted living. Go online and make a list of all the places that could take mom. Send them e-mails about the kind of care your mom needs. Not sure about your mom's finances, but ask about the number of private pay residents versus Medicaid pay residents. Ask about the ratio of aides to residents and nurses to residents. Lower ratios usually coincide with better care. Go see the top 3-5 places that have openings - realize that there might be wait lists.
While you are waiting to get your mom placed, realize that the verbal abuse may be from the stroke and/or a sign of anxiety. Please call her primary care physician to address this issue. He/She may make a referral to the neurologist and/or a geriatric psychiatrist. Also reach out to your mental health provider about your panic attacks.
The last option is to take your mom to a hospital. Let them know about her "new symptoms" of a verbal outbursts and any other issues. Ask them to admit her and help you to get her placed. Social services can get her placed into a facility that she qualifies for, but it may be similar to the one you removed her from.
To the OP, you need to inform us if she is needlessly threatening either physically or downright violent with yelling and cussing, as well as a bad mood all of the time. Does she listen to orders or is she defiant? These are huge issues that need to be addressed immediately, or you might not even be able to get her reinstated to a care facility.
A lot of people will solely blame the facility for what seems like neglect when it's actually the person who is the problem. If you were trying to change her soiled diaper while she kicked and screamed and hit you, what would you do? Hold her down and force the diaper off with her fighting every step of the way? My guess is probably not. You would either give up completely out of frustration or come by later with more hands to hold her down. Seniors with dementia are basically just oversized babies who aren't cute enough to get past their terrible behavior. A baby most likely isn't going to tear your earing out or give you a black eye either.
I'm in a Sunday similar situation trying to find a facility, I also should have never brought my mother into my home, depending on your state, Medicaid vs Medicare has some differences, is an assisted living facility an option for her rather than a nursing home? Dinner States do take Medicaid in Thier assisted living facilities, I'm in Minnesota, and I found a wonderful facility for my mom, who is a high functioning altzheimers patient. I would check into the fact that if your state has assisted living facilities that to take Medicaid then I'd look into that, if not, unfortunately, I think you'll just have to find the best nursing home you can, it maybe even hospice, but in my experience with my dad, (and this happened in Illinois) hospice served to be a place for him in his last days. But sometimes from what I've learned, hospice can be a longer term option, it really depends on your state. Here in Minnesota, if your on Medicaid, you don't have too always go to crappy places. In Illinois, when my dad was dying of cancer, I actually was in a car accident and my oldest son was eight and fractured house skull, and since we had just moved there to take care of my dad, we hadn't established our health insurance yet, the hospitals were great in helping us get on Medicaid, but, our choices of care for ourselves(my wife, 2 kids, and myself) or choices were limited. I had taken my wife to a clinic for her womanly your of appointments, that accepted Medicaid, and after getting into the lobby, I grabbed her and said, I'll pay cash, we're not staying here, it was disgusting! It may have been a coincidence that I found the worst possible place that accepted the Medicaid. But it was always tough finding good care. Luckily, the children's hospital in Chicago had no problem taking my son in with the fractured skull. I knew from my past one of the top neurologists in the city of Chicago(and in my opinion, he's likely one of the best in the country, if not the world for being a specialist for MS patients) I have MS, and my quality of life imo would be totally different had I not found him. He gave me treatments that were not yet fda approved for ms and I went from being hospitalized every few months, and slowly the gaps got longer in between flare ups, until I actually went almost 10 years without being in the hospital. I know I'm out the subject, but just sharing my experience with Medicaid vs Medicare in different states, here in Minnesota, Medicaid patients are rarely turned away, and in Illinois I never did find a decent clinic for normal doc appointments. Anyway, I don't know the insurance situation your in, but it's important for you, and your family, that you don't get burnt out like I am, if I could go back in time, I would have NEVER let my mom in my house, sounds awful I know, but she is so uncooperative, that it's running my career, my family, and my home. And my marriage is starting to get stressed. I will be removing her by force shortly. Her dimensia/altzheimers is so bad, that she asked me to take her to the Dollar Tree store so she could get her driver's license, and asked me where my sister's parents lived today.
I probably didn't help at all with your question as I got off the subject and vented a bit, but my main point was insurance, your state, and finding a nice clean facility you can trust, one thing that's helped me is I joined some Facebook groups, and found lots of local people that were going through similar things as me, and I learned a lot, and I truly don't think without doing that, that I would have figured out how to do what I've done to get my mom out. My wife did the same with some health issues my youngest son has, and with some health issues she's has dealt with in the last 5 years.
My apologies for getting so far off the subject.
Good luck to you!
Was Mom on Medicaid at the other facility. If so, call the Medicaid caseworker she had and see how hard would it be to get her set up in another facility. Ask can the info from the prior application be used for a new application with just financials being updated. Really, how much has changed. She has already spent down. You supplied 5 years of statements, etc. She was excepted before.
If private pay, will be easier to get her placed. Make sure the facility excepts Medicaid so when money starts to run out, she can apply.
From your profile: "I'm afraid I may be making this decision out of my need to rescue ie: EMS. But I'm also looking forward to bonding with my Mother and having no regrets when she passes." I think, in a nutshell, this is what drove you to make the decision to move mom back in with you. I don't doubt you when you say her care was not good; but what was it that drove you to move her in with you rather than find another facility? I'm not judging you, nor criticizing you. You made what you though was the best decision at the time. It's not working out the way you had hoped. It doesn't make you a failure; it doesn't make you a bad daughter. There are loads of people who have done exactly the same thing you did. The question before you now is what are you willing to do to rectify it?
You need to be pragmatic. There is no facility out there that is going to do the job of caring for mom like you would. It is virtually impossible for any facility to be able to do that because, where you have only one patient to which to devote your time, they have many. When mom calls for you, you can "jump" to her needs; in a facility, she will likely have to wait. They are going to do things differently than you. Different doesn't automatically mean "bad" or "neglectful". If you weren't happy with her first facility - and it sounds like there was good reason! - then start to look for another. You have an advantage that many people here don't, in that you have a professional link to use to be able to do some research. Start asking around. When you bring patients into hospitals, ask some of the staff what they hear about various facilities. If they don't want to answer outright, phrases such as "well, if you were going to place your parent in a facility, which one would you pick/not pick?" See if they'll give you general info such as "yeah, we get a lot of UTI's coming out of such-and-such" place. No names of patients that might violate HIPPA laws. Arm yourself with information, then go and check out some of the places that are recommended.
Your mom's needs are only going to increase, especially with ALZ. Keeping her at home with paid caregivers will give you some breathing room, but eventually you are either going to have to have 24/7 care at home or you're going to have to find someplace for her where she can be safe.
You're a good daughter and your mom is very lucky to have you on her side, even if she doesn't realize it. Good luck!!
mad a side note…no one judges you here. We have or are walking in your shoes. Hugs!!
Your question is how to go about finding another nursing home. I'm fond of using Nextdoor.com to solicit opinions and references from actual neighbors. But first you need to know what type of care she requires: AL, MC or LTC? Then you need to know if she'll need Medicaid, and if so you'll need to help her apply.
In the interim if she has the funds you can hire aids to come in to provide in-home help, or contact social services to do an in-home needs assessment for services.