I'm too drained and too exhausted at this point to write it all out again, if you would like to know how I got to this situation I have other posts here (you can find on my profile) about it.
Short jist so you don't have to read all those: Caregiver for mom last 5 years, she got 2nd time this year (both nearly fatal because she refuses to go to a doctor until she physically can't say no/resist) was in the hospital for a few days, whoever her doctor there was an idiot and she was still extremely sick/incoherent, unable to even drink water yet when he discharged her.
They almost sent her home in an ambulance to drop her off when no one (I.E me) was there to take care of her, because apparently these people I'm dealing with are idiots. They even lied multiple times to try and justify trying to send her home with no caregiver saying other people in our family (who don't even live here) said it was okay.
Got into with them over this and how we (I.E: me, since I'd be the only one there to care for her) can't take care of her in that/this condition.
They finally caved and sent her to a rehab place, shes been there little over a week but now the social worker keeps calling non-stop because she wants to send her home because I guess the place they sent her to insurance doesn't seem want to cover and she's having trouble getting her on medi-cal (I've also been running myself ragged trying to get her back on it or find another place which I have no idea how they're so incompetent because the first time she got sick the other hospital she went to had no problem taking care of all this stuff) so she's insistent on trying to send my mom home.
Despite my constant refusals that I can't take care of her on my own anymore because she's gotten to the point I'm killing myself, such as seriously injured back from transfering her the past 5 yrs, she's a bigger lady, easily 200+lbs which would be even worse now because as she is she can't even sit up in bed, before she was able to sit up and stand up for a seconds or two rather well, which helped make transfering her possible. On top of general not-taking-care of myself (such as not eating or showering for days in a row, never going to see a doctor because I can't leave her for more than an hour) because I'm either doing something for her or too tired with what little time I have to myself that I use it to rest.
Despite explaining all of this and basically making it clear I'm pretty much cannot do it anymore, physically at this point and in the condition she's in I cannot turn her, lift her, everything else you need to do to care for someone like that. Despite it, the social worker keeps calling and wanting to set up her discharge to home. Her last attempt was "well lets see if we can work something out that'll help" her suggestion was to send a nurse here I think it was 3 times a week? For about 2 hours a day. Which is no solution at all if you know the kind of care my mom needs.
What do I do in this situation? Do I just keep refusing? Can they do anything if I do? Like they aren't going to try and send her home and I get a knock on the door one day and mom is on the door step. I am literally at my wits end. Like I can't even explain, I don't think I've ever been closer to the idea of suicide in my entire life because it's beginning to sound like it's going to be the only way out.
Just keep it simple. "I am unable to take care of my mother. It would be an unsafe discharge to send her home."
Repeat as often as necessary.
That's what I've been doing but she keeps calling, she even resorted to calling the house phone when I wouldn't answer for a day and my dad said she tried talking him into it, which he learned after the last incident not to talk to them.
Calling the Ombudsman of the facility Mom is in (at the present time) may help.
Focusing on the patient only may help, as in, "if you send the patient to this address without 24/7 care her condition will get worse" "She cannot care for herself". That error will be on the social worker, imo.
Key words are"the patient will get worse without care".
Then ask for her full name, spell it please, what is your license in (social work?),
and who is her employer? The hospital, the rehab, ????
ExtremelyTired,
even if you cannot make any of these calls, if you cannot answer the phone, there are so many solutions other than hurting yourself that you will not see or understand until you get past this difficult time. Take care of yourself for 3 days, then take another view of the many solutions. Be sure to call a suicide hotline if you have plans of suicide. You count too! You really do!
Hugs.....
ET, you do matter. Get yourself help if you needed!
I think it's also time to get in touch with the Area Agency on Aging and ask for a recommendation for a lawyer.
ExtremelyTired, meanwhile you DEFINITELY keep saying NO. Her needs can't be met at your home, therefore it would be an UNSAFE discharge.
Not that I've got anything against social workers, but harden your heart towards this one. She is just doing her job - "placement comes first" - and following the line of least resistance. Don't let that line be you.
Honestly she'd probably try and go down the EC (emergency contact) list and try and get other family members to take her. But I have to keep my phone on in case there's an emergency (since I'm pretty sure my mom could die any day now, which further scares me about the idea of trying to give her half-assed care at home, only rushing the process)
I think she's making the assumption I can do it because I did it the past 5 years, but I explained back then she was a lot more well/independent. Seriously, about 6 months ago (before she started getting sick) there were some days she could get out of bed and into a wheelchair by herself. I would wake up to rustling in the kitchen at 5 am and it was her, in her wheelchair, getting herself a cup of coffee and taking it back to her room. She would wheel herself to the bathroom and wait for me to come help her transfer. She had at least some independence, but even with that little bit of independence it was still hell taking care of her, because for every little thing she could do there was so much that she still couldn't. But it was just barely manageable.
All of which I explained to her SW, and that if I ever decided to take care of her again, she'd have to be in a condition where they can show me, before I take her home, she can do all those things by herself again because that extra help from her is the only thing that allowed me to care for her the way I did because she is so heavy and can't be budged even an inch without her lifting most of her own weight or multiple people there.
Which as of now, she's gotten in such bad condition from repeatedly being sick and bedridden that she can't even sit up in bed by herself anymore.
They can't MAKE you take her home, can they? If you are unable and/or unwilling, as you have stated, other arrangements need to be made. Transfer her to a nursing home since, especially if she's been in the hospital for at least 3 nights, since it might be paid for for XX days.
I'm not sure what the position of the person you need to talk to at the hospital is to get it through to them that you can NOT do it, but keep going over people's heads ("I need to talk to your supervisor") until you find someone who can help you.
Please, please, please take suicide off the table as a solution. If you are seriously contemplating this, go to the ER and tell them this? Run away if you must, but do NOT kill yourself. There is hope and you WILL get things to improve.
And trust me, I've thought about just disappearing because I have 8 other siblings that can and should be helping deal with this, but most of them (so far only 1 sister has even attempted to help) just let it all fall on me and I have no idea what I'm doing most of the time; problem is I started taking care of my mom when I was 19? So I have absolutely zero education past high school or any job experience, and no finances what so ever. And because I don't have any friends there's no one I can turn to to ask if I can stay with them for a while until I can try to get on my own feet.
You need to stick to your guns and keep saying "no."
Do you have your own Dr? How is your relationship with him/she?
I ask because what a Physician says can hold a lot of weight. If you could get a Dr to write you a note stating that you are in poor health and need rest as in defently. Furthermore, that you can not lift anything or anybody over 40lb. I can't say this will work.
I would also do what Barb has stated!
I really am trying to figure this out because taking your life is Not the answer!
It is clear that the SW is like a dog with a bone meaning she/he will probably not give up so easily.
As for the hospital, some hospitals have a policy that states "if a pt has no health insurance or has not so good health insurance then those pts can only receive basic medical Tx and must be discharged. This in the health field is called "treat & street them!" I know this because the hospital that I worked for (no longer there) does just that and unfortunately this is more common than what people think! Every hospital bed needs to make x amount of dollars and God forbid, if a Dr thinks a pt has some underlying cause and needs more testing and doesn't have health insurance or very good insurance then the Dr's hands are tight! There is nothing he or she can do!
Give me some time to chew on your problem maybe I can come up with something more and hopefully others will time in as well.
Hang in there!
I find SWs don't think out of the box. They really don't listen to why it can't be done. My Mom was in a lower room that is half underground. Meaning, the steps from her room go up out of the ground. SW kept insisting I could put a ramp there. No u can't. Round and round we went.
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