I wondered if anybody else has this problem. I am new to this forum but I love it!!! So much empathy and great advice on here. My mother is 95 years old with an undiagnosed mental illness. She has undiagnosed mental illness. She is bipolar. A hoarder, and a gambling addict. She is mean and nasty and I am her only caregiver that stops in to check on her. She lives alone and won’t let anybody in the house. I can’t get her to bathe and wash her hair. Last time I did it for her was May and it was a lot of screaming and yell to try and get her to cooperate. I have talked to her doctor and an elder lawyers and they said as long as she is competent which she is, there is nothing that can be done. When she went to the doctors they said she is off the charts cognitively for being age 95. She is fiercely independent and her memory is exceptional. I can’t get her to go to an assisted living or nursing home if I tried. She won’t go. When I try to wash her hair she screams at me to leave otherwise she is going to call the police. Any thoughts or ideas?
Now that she is living at her own place with her younger sister (my aunt), my aunt won't hear of any excuses. She tells my mom: "you don't bathe, you won't get to go out. Period." My mom loves to have someone drive her places, so my she agreed.
Your mom, however, doesn't have Alz. or dementia, so it's not easy to trick or bribe her.
I hope others will chime in with solutions.
* Memory: thinks she already had one yesterday - Dad writes it on kitchen calender now. Shower day is MONDAY etc.
* Feelings: embarrassed about needing help - humour tried... sometimes works... also doesn't want to admit being dirty (& can't smell)
* Touch: feels cold even if warm day. Hates the feel on air on skin - Drape towel over as much as possible. Of course water temp must be good too.
* Pamperiing: a luxurous bodywash (actually a gentle age appropriate soap-free bodywash). A no-go with this no-frills Mum but others may like!
Noting *shower day* & *hair washing* on calender has taken some of the arguments away. I tried giving other other choices like shower or sponge wash at the sink today? But you have to choose one - still like a toddler. No. I'm ok. I don't need to, sigh. "I'm sure you don't want to be a stinky lady!" Worked once.
Some older people hhave told me the shower feels like tiny needles - must have such delicate skin. A sponge wash is all they will do.
Such a common problem I'm afraid. I suppose if possible get to your Mother's reasons if you can.
So not even a sponge bath occurred with Mom here today. We did keep her very clean since using diaper for first two days. Mom wants to be in her bed so until we can contact her primary doc tomorrow, she is where she wants to be for the time being. Mom was calm when she did go to sleep tonight. I will go over to help my sister diaper Mom at 3 am if need be. Last night, my sister said her diaper was completely dry as Mom can hold it. But before diaper, she was making my sister assist her to commode every two hours minimum.
I do think using behavior techniques could help my Mom and probably yours too. Don't think of it like a bribe, but really a reward for helping and possible assign a punishment for not complying. I don't mean a hurting punishment, but maybe not the next whim the parent wants to be catered to then. I so wish my sister would have started doing something like that with Mom a long while back. It is not fair for my sister to be expected to be on call for Mom's not necessary requests which at least 75% are.
Good luck trying the idea of offering the casino if your Mom bathes. We hoped to take ours there.