I can’t handle my bipolar mother-in-law living with us. Why do I feel like I’m the problem?

It’s NOT you dear. I’m in the same boat and boy is the sailing rough. You’re being invaded by a selfish, self-centered, self-absorbed MIL that considers herself privileged because She gave birth to a SON. She puts herself above you because of her perceived ROYAL THRONE entitlement. So much for, “a man should leave his mother and father and CLIEVE unto his wife.”(from the Bible)
A woman in her church said to her, “you haven’t lost your husband if you have your son.” Right in front of me! My MIL replied, “I Know!” She’s all about “ownership” of what is rightfully hers. She’s now 85. I think her growing up in the depression and being the only child (very spoiled) for 11 years had a lot to do with it. She had a brother 11 years younger that was bipolar/manic depressive. She also had a younger sister 21-22 years her younger. Her father spoiled her and she always spoke his praises and called him daddy. She never spoke much about her mother at all, unless asked, and would always answer the same each time (full faculties), to say how great her mother’s desserts were and her mother never taught her to cook. Nothing else! She always called her mother, “Mother.” I think in her time and my mother’s, women were not revered as men were? More later have to go. God Bless You!

Dogsarelove: Tell your DH that his mother can no longer live in your home.

HiDogsAreLove - first, I agree with you that Dogs Are Love!! So, from one dog person to another, I want to answer your question, "Why do you feel that you are the problem?" Well, I can't really answer that because you are NOT the problem!

I didn't read all of the messages, so someone else may have already commented on this, but you stated that, "she stayed with her daughter that is living in the house my MIL owns but after a week my MIL landed on our doorstep again." So, if her own daughter didn't even keep her in the house that the MIL owns, then it doesn't sound like her own daughter can handle it.  

I hope your husband discussed this with you prior, because it's really a joint decision. I enjoy my own space, so for me, it wouldn't work out to have a MIL stay. Best case scenario is to reverse the MIL's mistake of giving up her senior living apartment - chances are, there may be another one available in the same place - or another one nearby. If it were me, I know I'd be researching it a little and then get her excited about going back to having her own place!

Wishing you all the best!

My advice is to be supportive of your spouse. I know it’s hard to live with people that you don’t enjoy… but you are at an unpleasant crossroads - alienate your spouse or be Superman.

Your mother-in-law does not stay in one place for long. If she comes to stay with you it will be short term. Put up with her, be kind, listen to your spouse and be supportive. If your family has a crisis, your spouse will be supportive of you.

My mother had bipolar condition and would get very angry at everyone, me and everything else when things did not go her way. We had lived together for over 30 years: 1975 to 2013, because I would have never made it without her financial contributions. She had to go into a nursing home at age 93 when she kept falling and hurting herself in our condo. Then she got very nasty and tried to throw me out when she could not return home, even with a social worker and my family's advice to leave her in the nursing home. She also had multiple medical conditions, including osteoporosis, requiring nursing home care until she passed away in 2014.

I will leave others to offer what advice they may, Dogsarelove, but I will suggest a wonderful book to you, a memoir by Liz Scheier titled Never Simple. It is about Ms. Scheier's attempts to deal, lifelong, with her mom's mental illness. I surely do wish you the best. At the least the book may make you feel less alone.

"I’m feeling like I’m being selfish and uncaring and I don’t know how to change the way I react." It feels ... difficult to give 'advice' without being in your shoes - as an outsider's experience, education, thoughts are unique to each situation. With this said ...

* I believe the first step in changing how a person reacts is to be AWARE of how one reacts. Be with those feelings - to explore them vs perhaps wanting to automatically pushing them away. There is 'information' underneath the feelings that surface in these situations - that will help you process and move through in more healthy / sustainable ways than you are (perhaps) doing now.

* I believe that how a person responds in most / if not all situations / has an equal ratio with self-esteem and insecurities, or levels of both (as we could always be on a continuum with how we thing about our 'self.'
- This may give you some ... insight as to why you react as you are. You are not trusting yourself on / in deep levels ... and not to judge you, there are reasons for this - how you are reacting. I would venture to say that these 'triggers' are from your younger days, perhaps as a very young child - and what you were taught (about yourself) and you re-acted accordingly.
- It is VITALLY IMPORTANT to set clear boundaries with the person inflicted with bipolar. And, this need is 100% aligned with how a person (you) on the receiving end feels about their self. There may be fear associated with setting limits with another ... you may feel you do not deserve to feel or be fully SELF EMPOWERED to assert yourself/your needs. This is an area that you will need to (continue) to work on. You took the first step - asking us. Good for you.
- Consider that you may need to remove yourself from situations as much as possible ... both to set boundaries and until / as you learn how to respond, and examine your responses/feelings about yourself.
- Removing yourself from these situations is really important to consider. Even if it requires you having a 'sit down heart to heart' with your spouse. Start with "I am having a difficult time ... I need some space / distance from the situation / interactions with your mother. HOW CAN YOU SUPPORT ME? Do have a list of possible ways you want space / be it getting a caregiver in, you leaving for a couple of days, spouse taking on a larger role.

* Stressors change us - or certainly challenge us in current life situations.
We are not 100% (by any means) when we are stretched with stresors (and responsibilities). Acknowledging that you feel / are stressed and GIVING YOURSELF a mental break will / may alleviate or change how you are automatically 'somewhat' blaming yourself for how you feel.

* Educating yourself on bipolar may / hopefully help you gain an objective lens vs what you are doing now, being very subjective (it's me...) You will give yourself options when you more fully understand that is going on in someone's brain ... how they (may) ... manipulate / strategize situations for their benefit.
- In addition, consider what medication is doing and dosage. Perhaps it needs to be changed.
- I do believe that bipolar disorder(s) - as experienced in the person having this disorder 'knows' how they can best serve themselves FROM THEIR PERSPECTIVE (and) belief system) which may have nothing to do with reality. It is their subjective reality.

I encourage you to keep a journal how you feel, using some of these techniques/thoughts presented here... and if you can, see a therapist to sort it all out, one step at a time.

P.S. I am back as I re-read and hear you saying "I can't handle my bipolar mother-in-law living with us." If you cannot handle it, changes nd to be made. Discuss w your spouse.

Give yourself A LOT OF CREDIT for asking, for realizing that you are reacting in ways you do not want to ... acknowledging that you do not like how you respond and that you want to change your feelings/responses. This is huge and a good start.

Gena

Hi Dogsarelove

I almost had a nervous breakdown when my 80 year old MIL came to stay with us! She lived with us for a whole year. It was a nightmare for me. My husband was in denial about her ways at first then he started to see what I was saying was true about her. We have moved her to Memory Care and now she’s wish she could be with him minus me and our son! I completely washed my hands because she was lying on me and her family believed it but now they don’t and I am done with them because I tried to get help from them and then they just kept listening to her and now they want to call and say they love me and thank me but she caused it all and they should’ve had an open mind . I get that the disease (dementia)make you do things but you should never treat people that has done everything for you that way. So my advice to you is get your life back.

Did your husband ask you if she was welcome? Step away from anything that has to do with her. Leave it all to him. If he is at work when there is a problem, call him because you are leaving the house until she calms down.

Buy yourself a dog and when she comes Over go for a long walk .

Your MIL needs to rent her own place. Just because she gave up her senior living apartment to marry a guy doesn't mean that she can't rent another apartment. How anyone could possibly think that your MIL is your responsibility is beyond me. It is very thoughtless of your husband to "volunteer" your services. If your husband feels that much responsibility towards his mother, he should either take care of her himself or at least provide care outside of your household.

Please set an appointment with a Geriatric psychiatrist for Mom; there are an array of medications that help her balance.

You and your husband could benefit by seeking out marriage counseling to stabilized your relationship by strengthening your communication skills. Practice saying NO in the mirror and then make sure he can hear you when you say, "no."

It always makes me angry when I see people dump the responsibility of their parents on their spouses.

I know how awful it is dealing with a parent that has mental illness. What’s even worse is trying to deal with it when the parent has actually caused them to have mental issues due to the stress of taking care of them.

Caretakers are at a huge risk of getting sick themselves due to stress.

Trust me. Do NOT let your husband do this to you. I have had mental breakdowns and illnesses do to stress and always being the caretaker of everyone.

It’s hard when kindness is taken advantage of. I was made to feel guilty when I did not jump at every command. It has taken a huge toll on my own mental and physical health.

I hope you can find strength to say no.

My elderly mom was diagnosed with bipolar. I knew something was off with her for decades, and only saw the extent of how mentally ill she was when we started living together. She was always angry, paranoid, hearing voices, cursing every other word, and hitting me when she became enraged. She’s also caused stress for me by getting into conflicts with neighbors.

After being diagnosed with bipolar, she was prescribed Risperidone and it worked wonders instantly. Her mood has stabilized and she’s incredibly more calm than she was before. Her paranoia hasn’t gone away fully but it’s a lot easier to manage and live with. But this may had been gone undiagnosed if I did not go to doctor’s appointments with her and talked with her PCP privately about what I was observing.

Your spouse needs to be more involved in her care, go to doctor’s appointments, and get her the medication or therapy she needs. She should not live with you if at all possible. Someone this ill at her age belongs in a senior living facility. If she does have to live with you it should only be under the condition that she take appropriate antipsychotics and seek additional medical/psychological assistance as recommended by her doctor.

It's yours and your husband's home. Tell him she is not welcome to live there as her behavior is out of line. Move her to senior living permanently with her strong mood calming prescription medication.

If she is married, her husband should be dealing with this. If not, maybe you and your husband could try to get her into a senior apartment to live. Your husband needs to be more involved with her care. Especially since he told her that it was okay to move in. Maybe he could take her to the doctor to get her medication straightened out. Don’t feel guilty about this. You are entitled to your life with your husband. I would have a talk with him, get some counseling for yourself, and get out and do things that make you happy. One step at a time. Water aerobics can be fun. Going to a library (with other quiet people) and sitting in a comfortable chair just reading can be nice too. Take care of you.🤗

You need to talk to your husband to present an united front. You are either all in or all out.

"I had to take her to the hospital where she was transferred to a psychiatric unit."

Why were you the one to take her to the hospital? Where was your H?

Is your H around a lot? Does he over see his mother's care? Does he DO any caregiving?

Is MIL deemed to be mentally competent? If not, who has her POA/HCPOA? Her husband?

There is absolutely no reason in the world why you should agree to take in your MIL, regardless of whether or not she has bipolar disorder.

The fact that she has bipolar disorder certainly makes it more complicated.

Many people are able to reasonably control their symptoms if they are faithful to taking their meds.

If they don’t take their meds regularly, it can easily lead to mayhem in your household. Think of the chaos that this will create in your marriage.

I wouldn’t recommend that your MIL move into your home. Not now, not ever!

Help her to help herself. That will be the greatest gift that you can give to her and yourself.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Thank you all so much for the advice and support, it helps me not feel so guilty. The whole situation is overwhelming for me and since I’m a private introverted person I don’t have any friends to talk to so I’m grateful I have found this forum :)

Boundaries.
Get support and counseling for your own boundaries.

Quiet and private people are some of the best friends around.

I agree-it's NOT you, it's her.

Doesn't this behavior bother your DH? He is ok with having his mom with some serious mental health issues living with you? That's pretty thoughtless of him.

She needs constant care--monitoring her meds (Bipolar people are notorious for quitting their meds when they are 'up' and then having to crash and burn when the meds leave their system.) and making sure she's TAKING them.

I have a friend who is a tremendous writer. When he's manic.

When he's treated, his creative side is quashed--so he actually PLANNED to have periods of time when he wouldn't medicate and IDK how his wife stood it.

Eventually, the back and forth of meds made it impossible for him to live with his family and he had to choose. He chose his family. He said the highs were so AMAZING, but he realized that in their own way, they were as bad as the lows. Now he is always on his meds, he's doing well. Sadly, he cannot write with the same vigor, but life is nothing if not a trade off.

Where is her new husband in all of this? Has he ever mentioned taking responsibility for her?

I'm asking because it might give you something of an out even if she doesn't like him anymore.

No way should this woman be your responsibility. Or your husband's. If you care about your marriage, you're going to have to be more forceful in stating that she can't live with you. You and your husband should come first to each other. He's supposed to cleave to you, not mommy.

You're not being selfish and uncaring. You're being sensible.

It is wonderful that you have supported your MIL in her time of mental illness.

*Support* will work best with boundaries that work for you & your household. So support does not become *burden* (as it already seems to have done).

Can you safely leave her to have a private long discussion with your husband to what that support will look like going forward?

I have a mentally ill family member. I know I cannot fix it. What I can do is alert professionals when they require help & keep abreast of their needs to advocate for their rights. I will not ever provide accomodation. But I have come to my plan over a long timeframe.

Start the serious conversation with your husband now (if you haven't already). Good clear communication is key to working this out. Are you on the same page? If not, keep writing here if it helps as others have been in this position.

Marriage counselling also can be a safe place to discuss this big topic. (Especially if your husband is 'deaf' to your feelings of distress). You are completely entitled to feel how you do.

"My husband tells her she’s welcome in our home".

Your home belongs to BOTH of you. Therefore BOTH of you must agree to that.

*Welcome* needs discussion & boundaries. Visiting - staying a few days - moving in permanently. These are very different things.

I agree with Lea. I have 2 cousins, parents are siblings, and I would not be able to deal with the unpredictability.

Its not you, it's her. I have zero tolerance for my stepdaughter who's bipolar and refuses to take medication for it. Then she'd come to stay with us and I'd find her doing unhinged things to the point of insanity, expecting to find her dead every morning in her bedroom! I called dh home from work one day and said NO MORE, I CAN'T DO THIS. I was stressed to the point of a nervous breakdown, truthfully. Dh thought I was overreacting until HE had to deal with her 24/7. At which time a family conference was called, SD was driven to the ER where they wanted to keep her for a psych evaluation....which she refused, of course. She did start lithium though, i believe, which calmed down the histrionics significantly. We sent her back home shortly after the lunacy subsided.

Tell dh that HE is in charge of his mother being welcome in your home, including all her care and maintenance. That you will have no part of it bc you are not qualified to care for a mentally ill elder with this magnitude of issues! He'll likely have to be forced to see the reality of this situation firsthand before he realizes he's out of his depth!

I'm sorry you're in such a stressful situation. My heart goes out to you. Best of luck.