He's 85 and crazy as a bed bug as they say. He doesn't do anything for himself and constantly pees all over our house and I feel he does it on purpose because he knows I am the one that has to clean up after him. He won't even change his depends when its obviously so full that it leaks onto his bed and his pants and stinks but still he acts like its ok. He uses the hand sanitizer I put in his bathroom as hair tonic and uses an entire roll of toilet paper everyday but I can't figure out what he using it for since he pees all over the floor and his clothes and the furniture. He sleeps all day and then stays up all night banging around while my husband and I try to get some sleep. He's been deaf for 20 years and refused to learn sign language so talking to him is out of the question. I hate the sight of him and fear I will snap on his old *ss and end up in jail for doing so. His other children ( 1 girl-61 and 2 boys 62 & 58) are absouluetly worthless and never had a home so they can't take him. He has no money and I refuse to pay for this old man's nursing home bills so what do I do. I WANT OUT OF THIS SO BAD I'M ABOUT TO DIVORCE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE OVER IT.
The whole family (except for YOU the "outlaw" is getting their needs met....your FIL, your H (because YOU take care HIS father) and his siblings. NONE of YOUR needs are being met, are they?
How do you think you can change this situation? And WILL you change this situation, even it involves moving out?
I think that the beach will be a nice place to lay it out for DH.
"Dad goes, or I go. Not angrily, but just, I'll go."
A few years ago my DH said he felt his mom should come live with us. I couldn't believe he actually said that. I told him, "If YOU feel your mom needs to not be living alone, then by all means, YOU GO LIVE WITH HER." He called me selfish, mean, un-loving, you name it but I was firm. For one thing, she didn't WANT to live with us anymore than I wanted her to live here.
If he ever moved her in with us, we would no longer be living together. Period. And to try to make me feel 'guilty' b/c he feels guilty. Ridiculous. MY mom wanted to move in with us and I kiboshed that pretty fast.
The 'love of your life' is not treating you as if you were the 'love of his life'. I'm sorry if that hurts to hear, but he is allowing his father to use and abuse you.
I hope when you come home from your trip that the sib who is helping you is so burned out she tells your DH off and helps you find a placement for him. Maybe fresh eyes on the scene will be a wakeup call.
Personally, if my FIL had ever peed all over my house--No, just No. Even our DOG didn't get to do that.
"...we have to pay his sister a $1000 to watch her own Dad for the week..." No, you don't have to do anything of the sort. Your husband is *choosing* to pay his sister.
"...Im not angry all the time and for you to suggest so is insensitive at best..." Your post and responses come across as angry. You are understandably angry and not just at your FIL. Recognize that you are angry with your husband for doing nothing and for choosing to believe his father instead of his wife.
"...I hate the sight of him and fear I will snap on his old *ss and end up in jail..." The beach is not going to solve this problem. It will be right there when you get home from the beach. Any rest and relaxation you got at the beach will disappear within days at best and minutes at worst when you get home from the beach.
Have a plan for when you get home from the beach. Even if that plan is picking up your bag from the beach and spending the night at a motel it's better than putting yourself right back into your current situation.
Your husband must face the truth. The best way for him to see it is for him to deal with it. Let your husband deal with his father for a few days. You will either get a huge apology from your husband or you won't. And if you don't, then you have your answer. Being served with divorce papers may be what it takes to snap your husband out of his FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) toward his father.
I will not let this man destroy my marriage at any cost
Also what is the reason your FIL can't get on medicaid and go live in a care home?
I strongly suggest that you see a therapist and your doctor as you are a walking time bomb for a stroke, heart attack, diabetes....... Your anger has reached a point of everyone in your home is at risk!
I would like to know how your husband feels about this situation with HIS father! Also is your father alive? If not , I have no idea, you may resent caring for your husband's father while you have no father. This is not to hurt you ,just a question that can help explain your over the top anger.How does your husband feel about your hate?
How will he feel when he reads that He is the love of your life BUT you are about ready to leave him.............most people who are healthy would NEVER say that they will NEVER want to leave or be without the love of their life BECAUSE THAT WILL HAPPEN SOONER THAN YOU THINK! Your emotions need help for several reasons one being wasting time you have alive and able to do things ! Karma is real and someday sooner than you think you may be 85 and peeing all over your house! Kindness and a good long loving talk with your husband would be a good start! Dr. Jack Grenan
A Couple of suggestions , First contact a lawyer and with your wife go over his finances to see what is available each month to pay for a home OR a home nurse visit everyday. He is eligible to go to a government home that fits your/his budget.If you are religious go visit your pastor and ask for help from members of your church.
Your father in-law will most likely die soon and that will end that! How will your husband feel? How will he feel when he reads what you wrote,"
"I hate the sight of him and fear I will snap on his old *ss and end up in jail for doing so."
I don't see anything where ur husband believes Dad over u as said in a reply. Does your hubby think this is normal? I would no longer clean up after him. I probably wouldn't have from day one. I don't do well with bodily functions of other people. Time for a sit down. This is not your job. Dad needs pros to care for him.
I wouldn't even hire a caregiver. They are not going to be able to do anything about his peeing all over either. They say deaf people are more likely to get a Dementia.
3) He does #1 or you leave. Period.
Run for the hills!
No one can make you a caregiver for someone you are feeling this way about.
No one can force you to pay for his nursing home bills either.
It is understandable that you feel this way, by what you have said, and I believe you.
Unless you are chained outback overnight while your husband and his father sleep, there is no way you should stay a moment longer.
A situation like this will kill any love you have left for your husband.
He seems a part of this living a lie, not believing you. If you continue to allow yourself to be an indentured servant, you may never recover from this bitterness and burnout. If you believe what you have said here, (you would have to pay for your Fil's NH?)you may have been gaslighted. You can look that up.
You do not need a solution, you just need to walk out with what dignity you have left, and do it now.
It should be against the law for anyone to have to endure this treatment. And, imo, you should not be allowed to come near this elderly old fool to protect him and yourself from the hate brewing.
Just leave.
Wishing you the best of luck!
So, I would put him in a nursing home ASAP. Or yesterday.
If he has no money, he will have to go on gov't aid of some sort. You are NOT responsible for paying a dime for his care.
If hubby does not agree, move out on a temporary basis. If you love him, tell him so. BUT tell him that you REFUSE to live under these conditions.