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It breaks my heart & she spends the entire time making me feel guilty.


My mother has been so mean to me over the last years & didn't want to spend much time with me. Now - I had to move her into assisted living as she was turning off her a/c in 115 deg Phoenix weather & turning on her heater. I had no choice but she is not happy & continues to tell me she is moving back to our home town in Texas. She can't walk & hasn't driven in over a year and continues to tell me I won't ever let her do what she wants. After about 30-45 minutes - I'm jumping out of my skin & doing everything to get out of the place. Everyone is very nice there & the place is very clean. As my sister continues to remind me - mom has never been happy with anything or anyone - I need to let it go!

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Anita, your post and past experience reminded me of an experience of my own, way back about 50 years ago. I worked for the County Juvenile Court, which handled both neglect and delinquent cases.

Some of the neglect cases would make others nauseous. The biological parents just had no interest in the children and clearly wouldn't or couldn't care for them.

It was always kind of a sickening moment when the judge placed the children back in the custody of those who had already abused them, trying to give them another chance to live up to their responsibilities. Many of those children should have been removed from the so-called family unit long before their cases were reported by police.
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Regarding TexasLady's replies, I agree wholeheartedly with Garden Artist. I have worked as a fundriaising and program/organizational development consultant for both child care programs including foster care, and nursing homes. As in everything in the Universe, there can be no good without a corresponding bad - and vice versa.

Briefly - TL has NO idea what she is talking about. My MIL will be moving to a Memory Care facility nexty month, after spending the last 15 months with us. She is now at the point that we can no longer provide the level of care or stimulation she needs. Thus, we researched and visited a half dozen facilities (and would have seen more if needed). Interestingly, we were surprised and dismayed to find that the 3 Catholic ones were at the BOTTOM of our list for what we would consider quality care. I was also very surprised to find that a for-profit facility was, in our educated opinions, better than any of the non-profit facilities we looked at.

Several years ago, the NY Times ran an article about "toxic parents". There were hundreds of comments - many would make anyone cry. TL must have blinders on not to know that there are parents who should never have had children. Seriously.

Finally - only a very selfish parent would INSIST that their adult child - hopefully with a happy and successful life of their own - would sacrifice YEARS of it to care for them. I deeply hope that TL's daughter will make the right choice for herself, her children, and her marriage/adult relationship - as well as her own financial future - when the time comes.
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Mea culpa. I misread the title of the post and mistook it for Stress' not wanting to see her parent in AL, as opposed to not wanting her parent to go into AL. My sincere apologies. I REALLY do need some new glasses!
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Responding to Stress's original post, I think the way to keep someone at home is to identify all the possible scenarios that could happen and identify all the possible means of addressing them. Do as much as you can for conditions that could exist in either scenario, and develop contingency plans for each so that if conditions arise, you have already decided how to handle the situations.

Sounds simple, yes? No. It's very, very complicated, but at least it's a start.
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I wasn't going to get into this but TexasLady's perspective is something that saddens me, and doesn't take into account the realities of child care or facility placement.

She wrote that "we love our child with uncondictional love and we would never throw them away in a foster home for others to care for, ..."

That's a blanket statement that doesn't apply universally. And it's patently false.

If it was true, why would people give up their children, abandon or abuse them as they have? If this utopian love existed, there would be no need for Child Protective Services. Please don't write that you haven't read stories of abused children removed from the parental home b/c it was unsafe.

Some people are just not fit to raise children and never should have had them, and giving them up for adoption and/or having them removed by CPS for foster home placement is better than allowing them to remain in an abusive, unsafe and unloving environment.

".. there is little difference between foster homes and nursing homes. both are for the abandoned and unwanted."

This is such a rhetorical, unfounded and blatantly inflammatory statement that I'm not even convinced it was written with that intent. I see it more as a means to incite posters and start an argument.

Speaking only to nursing homes, you completely ignore the fact that many people need the skilled care which can't be provided at home. Period. That's NOT abandonment.

So, TexasLady, how many unwanted children have you taken into your home?


there is little difference between foster homes and nursing homes. both are for the abandoned and unwanted
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Just do what keeps you sane. Visit for short times, be prepared to say, gotta go. You are doing what is best for her. Pay no attention to those who throw Bible verses at you. That is not God speaking to you. He loves you and understands you better than anyone. Peace.
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Interesting twist for now you want your daughter to do out obligation what you said that you did out of love. T She'll do it because of feeling obligated, fear of making you angry and guilty if she does not do what you made her promise. Since you have groomed her this way, she'll put blinders on to follow through with that promise fueled by fear, obligation and guilt, but not out of love. I feel sorry for your daughter for she might sacrifice her whole life, marriage, her own family, and finances for her own retirement, plus her own health to fulfill what you made her promise. I am sorry to inform you, but Fear, Obligation and Guilt is emotional blackmail.

While no nursing home is perfect, they are not all bad and people are there because there is no other way to take care of them because of their 24/7 needs which one person and sometimes even with outside help can't do at home.
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It was never my intention to offend you or anyone. i am a retired nurse who worked in nursing homes, I witnessed enough to know there was no way i would subject my parents to it all,i sacrificed out of love 8 years of my life to care for my elderly parents, and i made my daughter promise me she would never subject me to being cared for in a nursing home, Each person has a right to make their own choices.. i made my choices by having first-hand knowledge of the care a loved one gets in a nursing home.
i do not judge others for their choices, i just make my choices based upon the knowledge and investigations I will never regret the years of my life given to care for my parents, they took me out of a foster home, gave me a chance at life, gave me care as i had kidney failure,at age 12 my parents stood by me..my medical bills almost broke my parents,but yet love motivated them to care for me, and it was love that motivated me to care for my parents in my home, due to fact i had too work, i had a caregiver come in daily. THESE WERE THE MOST REWARDING YEARS OF MY LIFE, when you help others, it comes right back to you
may God bless all and you and family have a Happy Thanksgiving
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I was born & raised in Texas so I consider myself a Texas Lady but as I read your comments - I'm saddened by your comments. I have cried many many tears over my guilt & I did not need you to be shaming me or making me feel any worse than I already do. Thank you Rainmom for re-enforcing my reason for posting to this site - I too think of it as a support & guidance for all going through the time!
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JJGood - thanks! Your suggestion gave me a good idea for an amicable way to spend some time. My mom has half a dozen photos album with her. She loves to go through them and reminisce. One topic we agree on is my dad. He was a wonderful man and we both miss him tremendously. No argument there! Perhaps by sharing our stories of him we might even be able to turn down the general hostility a notch.
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We haven't moved into AL yet (that's tomorrow) but I foresee similar problems, and have found that doing an activity leaves very little time for "discussion" and makes for a much more pleasant visit. So if your mom likes any kind of art and craft, or is physically able to do something, I would plan your visit around that. We were packing up this week and my Mom got very depressed, so I asked her to please "sort" through the photo albums while I tended to other tasks, I kind of assigned her a task, so it completely distracted her from her bad mood and it made her feel helpful at the same time.
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Way to go Rainmom!!! The Bible should never be used as a bludgeon against people. It should be about support and love...not condemnation and judgment.
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Wow! Okay, first let me straighten out a few things. This was not my original post. I do however identify strongly with the frustration the poster feels. My mother is now in what's called Residential Care. I refer to it in my posts as a nursing home as it's more than Adult Foster Care - but I mainly use NH for simplification purposes. My moms particular place is owned and run by registered nurses and the care is heavily medically oriented. But thanks cmagnum for the support! My mother is neither unwanted or abandoned. I have spent the last five years taking care of her - the first two of those years included my father as well. My mother has always been difficult and selfish. My best example would be when she used me as a human shield while someone pointed a gun at her. I was five years old. But hey, no ones perfect, right? I have seen my mom from her house to independent living to assisted living to where she is now. I see her three times a week and other than her cat - she wants for nothing. In spite of my best efforts she has been cruel, manipulative and demanding - getting more so with each passing day. But I continue to pick up the phone whenever she calls and go running to do her bidding at a cost to my husband and my disabled son and my own health and sanity. I treat her far better than she has ever treated me. But Texaslady - you are just plain wrong. My mother lives where she does because I love her. She receives far more attention and skilled care than I could ever provide. I could have moved her into a dump at a fraction of the cost but I wanted better for her. I spent two months looking for the best place I could find when her AL facility said she needed more care than they could provide. And more than that - if I didn't care for her, didn't love her I would have left her in her house to die in filth and squalor. But more than that Texaslady - if you feel the way you do, what are you doing here. This is a SUPPORT site. Are you here to preach and judge? The narrowness of your thinking - your "truth" is staggering. You are an ignorant hypocrite to misuse scripture in such a shameful way. Go preach your poison someplace else. This site is about support and help - without judgment.
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On the internet, Texasladybren, statements made in all capitals is considered shouting. Maybe you are not aware of that, but it is. It's considered rude and bad manners.

Their is a big difference between nursing homes and foster homes. Foster homes are usually for children who are either orphans or who have been removed from unhealthy family dynamics. Nursing homes are for people who need 24/7 care that is beyond the ability of one person to do.

Rainmom's mother is in an assisted living place which is quite difference than a nursing home.

Anyhow, this is a place for support and not for being judgmental and offensive. .
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RAINMOM, i did not mean to offend you or anyone, i simply told the truth., no one had a perfect mom, nor were they a perfect mom, we all make mistakes, but it is all about love and respect. and forgiveness. I did not have a perfect mom, but i loved her uncondictionally and with due respect. no child is perfect either, but still we love our child with uncondictional love and we would never throw them away in a foster home for others to care for, there is little difference between foster homes and nursing homes. both are for the abandoned and unwanted
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Texans lady - you know nothing of my childhood, the type of daughter I was and am nor my mother. If you want to thump your bible how about "judge not, that yet be not judged".
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HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER, RESPECT THEM AND DO REMEMBER YOUR MOM WENT THUR MANY ISSUES WITH YOU GROWING UP, THEY PUT UP WITH US OUT OF LOVE NOW IT IS OUR TURN TO RESPECT AND PUT UP WITH THEIR ILLNESS AND ISSUES. WHAT IF THEY HAD DECIDED TO PUT US IN FOSTER HOMES AND VISIT US 2 TIMES A WEEK.????????
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As others have suggested, reduce the number of visits and the length of the visits. Your mum is being looked after and the visits are distressing for you. There is no benefit to anyone in you getting so upset. The guilt you may feel at not visiting more or not having better visits is not based on you dong anything wrong, It is not easy to change our ways with our parents, to detach to a degree but sometimes it is worth working on that for your sake and for hers.
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Rainmom, that is so true. To have them act like a stranger must be so hurtful. I would imagine that it is so painful. And to know they cannot be the way they used to be. I would try to keep in mind that's it's not them being that way. I can understand how some people just can't take it.
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Sunnygirl - knowing something in your mind and translating that to your heart can be difficult at times - at least it is for me. She is and always will be my mother - even if she has become a stranger.
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Since your mom has dementia, I'm not sure why you would expect her to be pleasant, reasonable or even cordial. I would try to lower the expectation so that you don't still seek approval or signs of appreciation from her. So what if she insists she's leaving or that you are preventing her from being happy. She could also be saying that she is the Queen of England and that she will be competing in the next Kentucky Derby. Their thought process is not normal. There are many dementia patients who get visits each day in facilities and I would dare say that a small percentage are met with friendly faces and meaningful, coherent responses. It's just not likely under the circumstances. Your mom is there to get proper care, so why would you feel guilty?

If I truly could not control my emotions and if really did bother me, then I would stop visiting and just call or send cards. You can hire a visitor to see her a few times a week.
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My mom is the same way but she is relatively healthy at 85. She complains about everything and is the most negative person I have ever known. She is a perfectionist and is so difficult that one of my siblings has to take a clonipin before visiting her.
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Stressed, I am in the same situation. I have started to hate going out to mom's AL because she complains about everything to me. Like Mary suggested, she is different with others. The staff tells me that she is pleasant and cooperative, and tells them that she has no complaints. She calls me multiple times each day to complain about everything at the facility and to demand that I move her. The same thing happens when I go to visit. I am a work in progress in trying to follow Blannie's good advice. I try to end phone calls as quickly as I can and I keep my visits short and limited to twice each week. She is in a nice, safe place and all her needs are provided, so it does no good to let her get herself all riled up. It doesn't do anything for my mental and physical health either! I have also made an appointment for her to be seen by a geriatric psychiatrist to see if a medication change is warranted.
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Lol - flowers and candy! Sorry. Last week I took my mother a new pair of pants. A while back she had commented on the pants I was wearing and said she'd like a pair. So I got them for her. Nothing. Didn't even bat an eye.
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I think the suggestions that you limit the visits are probably good. No one benefits if your mom is getting worked up and your emotions are getting battered and bruised. Our loved ones are quite frequently very different to non family members and maybe you could find a surrogate; old neighbor, church group, family friend someone who could just pop in now and again to help you to feel all is well and you have done what you can.
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I think my answer would be in agreement with Maggie, but then I don't have a crazy narcissistic mother. I'm not clear on whether your relationship with her is a long history of emotional abuse or just the heartbreakingly unpleasant side effect of increasing dementia. I think if you once had a good relationship with your mom then you suck it up and visit, and you learn to set boundaries to protect yourself. If mom was always cold and belittling then you visit seldom and manage her care from afar as much as possible.
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If you have trouble letting go, the go see a therapist to help you move forward.
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Been there, done that. Maggie, nice warm fuzzies but, in reality, nothing is ever good enough, never will be, and you are the enemy to be berated and blamed for everything that ever happened. As I said, been there, done that..
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Go see her a few times a week for 20-30 minutes until she's improved. Come with a great big smile...carrying a bouquet of flowers...a box of candy...a lovely cologne...talcum powder...whatever. Go in with specific ideas about where the conversation is going...what did she have for lunch...does she need anything...what's going on in your life, etc.

It will get better.
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I would ask why you torture yourself and let your mom be mean to you for a long time? Go every other week (or once a month) for 15-20 minutes. Keep the visit short and the minute mom starts to complain, you're out of there. Keep it light and breezy. What good are you doing her to visit so often? It just reminds her she wants to be somewhere else and makes you miserable. You've done your duty - she's safe and cared for in a place with nice help that's clean. Your caregiving job is done! Don't feel like you have to continue to be miserable. Visit a LOT less frequently.
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