Hello, I discovered this forum today. My mom (62 years old) is taking care of my grandmother (89 years old). My grandmother has dementia, and I never had a relationship with her. She was an abuser, she mistreated my mom and her other children a lot, she didn't even feed them properly. My mom was on the verge of suicide when she was young because of her. Her being here in my house makes me very anxious and I feel like I can't deal with this. Even though it's not my direct responsibility, my mom suffers from her back. She can't move well and now that she is helping my grandmother, who is completely unsteady on her feet, I am the one helping her. I am 25 years old and to be honest I plan to move next year to another city where I can follow my dreams. My mother is this type of person who wants her kids to be home all the time and she is making me feel more and more that this is my responsibility too. I feel so selfish, but I need to say this: I don't want this. I just don't want it. But I care enough about my mom to go help her move my grandmother every time. I'm having a hard time figuring out how I'm going to tell her I want to go. I'm sure I'll be the bad daughter.
My question really is, is there a solution to help my mom take my grandmother to the bathroom and to get her out of the chair a little bit every time my mom needs to clean her or bathe her? Maybe some device? I want to help, but I need something so my mom can work with my grandmother alone without hurting herself. The nursing home is not an option, we don't have the resources. I'm already paying for someone to come bathe my grandmother three or four times a week.
Any sort of caregiving problems need to be and need to remain your mother's. She is free certainly to write us with her questions.
I am thrilled to hear that you plan a move, and that it is a move out of the area in which you live. I hope that it is some distance. I hope that you make it clear now to your mother and her mother that this is your plan, and you will not alter it. I think it would be very good if you start NOW not to engage more, but to pull back more.
Your mother wishes you to stay with her and help her. That is not good mothering. It is sadly the act of someone desperate and burdening her own child in a very unhealthy manner.
Continue to pursue your dreams. Your grandmother has had her life. She should be in care so that your mother, with her own mother in care and you grown, can have quality years some of the most FREE years of her life. If she does not take that chance then these years will be wasted. That's sadly the truth. But that is NOT your problem.
I would be gently and lovingly clear with your mother that you intend now to follow your dreams and live your life. I would make it clear you hope that she will as well.
I wish you nothing but the best. Do give your mom this site for caregiving questions she may have.
If grandma doesn't have money then she'll have to apply for Medicaid, and then she can get placed in the appropriate facility where she belongs as you nor your mom need to be caring for her at all.
Any child that was abused in any way from a parent should NEVER take on the care of that parent, and it breaks my heart how many times folks on this forum are doing just that. It's just wrong.
You are very young and deserve to have your life however you want it, and your mom deserves to have hers too, so get grandma on Medicaid and get her placed sooner than later.
My son and grandson lived in their own separate area of my mom's house when they needed a new place to live, partly because none of us wanted Mom to be alone, ever. We thought is was a good exchange of needs. Son and grandson did not do caregiving. I was her primary caregiver and I hired other caregivers to be there when I couldn't be. At one point my son decided he'd like to be her primary caregiver, with the help of other caregivers, so he was paid to do this job. He lasted 4 months and said it was too hard and got a different job. He was great at taking care of his grandma, but it was hard work and lonely work for him. That was absolutely fine with me, as it was not his place. I chose to take care of my mom and I'm glad I did, though it was very difficult. A huge difference between OP's mom and me is that there wasn't any abuse. We were not a perfect family, but actual abuse, never. And it seems from the question asked that the abuse continues with unreasonable demands and is actually passed on in a way to this young person by way of making them feel obligated to stay where they do not wish to stay. The question really not be how make it easier for the mom, but how to tell the mom that they are not doing this any longer. Period. And certainly not paying for the grandmother to be bathed. Grandma needs to go into care with medicaid money. This situation is what medicaid is for.
"I'm already paying for someone to come bathe my grandmother three or four times a week".
Your well meant actions are propping up a house of cards. Remove the money for aides, the aides stop, your Mother cannot do it alone = Grandmother gets cared for by others (NH).
Many people find themselves in this situation. You are young, can write well & explain what's going on so I have every faith you will turn this around so that your dreams are not suffocated by other people's choices.
PS change the term *selfish to *self-protective*.
You can expect a lot of terror and acting out, but she will adapt. That isn't your responsibility. One cannot be manipulated by the actions of others. You must continue to advocate for yourself.
Suggest to Mom that she gets grandma on Medicaid and in a facility asap .
Then move and live your life , no matter if grandma is still home or not . Don’t delay or wait too long to move . The sooner the better.
Best of luck to you.
you aren’t obligated. It’s possible to get some home care help through Medicaid - an elder care lawyer could help your mom with that. You might also share this forum with her for her own sake.
Enjoy the next phase of your life. Follow your dreams. Go in peace - you’ve done more than can be fairly expected already.
Id suggest, be loving and patient with your mom, but be firm and strong and break the cycle.
You deserve a life!
With that being said you sound like a loving caring daughter.
Mom should place her mom also so mom can have a life, I'm your moms age and she also deserves to have a life. I know my back would never handle the stress of lifting my mom over and over.
Thinking of you, please keep us updated on how things are going
Hopefully the above article will have your Mom make other choices for your grandmother. Glad to see that you will be leaving. I always cringe whenever I read that a grandchild is caring for a grandparent. The grandparent had a chance to get married and raise a family and/or had a career, that chance should also be given to the grandchild.
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