I have talked on here before. Mums in a rest home. 87 and not able to live in her own home. Which is a hoarder house like on tv. Exactly like tv but the toilet sort of worked.
I have POA but she still has legal capacity as she does not fit the legal definition of dementia. I will not push for capacity over her as its a long process in the courts which is very costly and time consuming.
Mum is constantly at war with the rest home, with the world and with us her family. She has grandiose schemes which are fantasy now. And she has no money or posibility of funds of any type to fulfil her schemes around leaving the rest home (ie prison) and building property so she can live there and also at the same time, HELP the world and the impoverished and, oh, come back as a advocate and an advisor to the rest home to improve their systems and share her expertise. She is an expert at everything. In her head anyway. I try not to argue with her around these things as she becomes enraged if told the truth. And then she gets verbally abusive and horrible. Yesterday was particuarly bad. Mum is a narcissist of course , she has mental illness. Untreated PTSD from our family life with my father. Shes never had any therapy so is a time bomb to deal with.
I love her. I am her primary person.
But I dont know what to do. I cant stand the vitriol. I want to support her through this , but I need to keep sane and well.
My brothers and sisters also help but they cop it too.
I nearly told her yesterday that the home she was planning to go to next would only be heaven as that was the only home she could go to next. Thankfully God told me not to say that , and I did not say it. It would have hurt her so much even if that is the truth , I believe, and I did not want her to have a heart attack and spit the dummy at me. Its not the most private in the rest home, even in their rooms. Mum is physically very sick and frail but she has the heart of a lion around fairness and justice. Even though shes obviously deluded in most of her thinking. Sigh!!!!!
My mother was so full of toxic fumes that I had no other choice but to limit my exposure to her lest I asphyxiate from those fumes. I visited her once a week in her Memory Care ALF and called her a few times a week, and left or said bye bye when she started raging. You matter too, as does your health and state of mind. Too much exposure to mom and her vitriolic personality is not a good thing for you. Set down some boundaries for yourself and stick to them. If I recall, your brother is living in the hoard, right? Just leave that mess alone too. Focus on yourself and your own life now. Mom is in care and not alone on the street fending for herself. Let her speak to the other old ladies there if she needs to unload. You're done being her sounding board for now.
Good luck to you.
A Poster a while back said that thinking of her own mother as a ‘care client’ helped her to ‘do the right thing’ but with more helpful emotional detachment. Could you experiment with that?
Let her say all this stuff and figure out how to ignore it , let it go in one ear and out the other.
If you must reduce visits, reduce.
I agree with your stance - why try for guardianship, when that will actually increase your responsiiblity as to what you have to do.
How do you feel afterwards?
Happy? It's nice to see Mum in her new space 😀.
Or other.. Sad that she had to leave her home? Or feel burdened, responsible for her problems, her issues? Or even feel kind of *slimed*? As a therapist once asked me..
If 'slimed' you may wish to think about your 'shell'. 🐌
Mostly I feel sad and burdened and it does not matter how much I do , its never enough and shes still unhappy, fed up and often angry.
Sometimes I feel happy but thats mostly fleeting and then she gets grumpy.
Happiness is occaisional. Diffucult is usual. Burdened down and very distressed is most weeks. Especially if I take on anything from her messages. I try to mostly ignore those.
The sooner you accept that your mother will never be happy the better. You are not responsible for her happiness.
I was so upset one day I resorted to telling my mother
“ I didn’t make you old , I cannot fix old “.
After that , I decided to try to ignore her comments as much as possible.
I am a retired nurse . As already mentioned , I made an effort to put myself in nurse mode and just treat her like any other patient , and make sure she was cared for and her needs met , especially when mom was in a really bad mood. Then I left the room . No need to stick around to be berated .
A few times after a bad visit , when I got home , I actually took one of the 1/2 dozen cookie jars my mother had given me ( that I didn’t want to begin with ) and I put one in a plastic trash bag and took it out the the garage and smashed it with a baseball bat. Very therapeutic .
I also suggest you talk with a therapist to help you . Delete the app as already suggested.
You are allowed to block her. You are allowed to walk away. Your Mom deals with life by fantasizing. You know, it will never happen. She may deep down know it too but it gives her something to dream about. Let her dream. Just go along with it and when it gets to much for you, leave.
A person with an ounce of respect for themselves would leave that relationship and this is something to be considered, my friend.
Your mother is in a home. They are providing for her needs so you don't have to. That being said you can choose how often you see her and how long the visit will be or even if you visit at all.
Your mother is at the end of her life and she probably knows it too. All she has is her anger, her ranting and raving, and know-it-all nonsense. So let her have it. You don't have to listen to it.
Go along with it to a degree. If she gets personally verbally abusive to you tell her that you will not tolerate her language towards you and that if she wants you to continue visiting she will watch herself. You can get up and leave. She can't.
I limited the time I spent with her the last two years before her death. And I was never was alone with her because she didn’t show her mean streak to the caregivers or to my husband. It was better for me to have done that. I decided taking care of my emotional health was important too.
I wish I didn’t have to do that but she left me no choice. Some of her tirades about my character still ring in my ears.
Figure out what you need to do to help yourself feel better. You matter too.
” Your mother doesn’t want to be happy , she would rather complain” .
Maybe try to remember this , it might help you. It gave me strength to cut visits short when Mom was spewing , rather than me stay and try to make her happy .
You husband sounds like a very wise man and he is right. I have often found that the elderly actually enjoy complaining alost as if it were a sport. Group complaining is also a form of socialization. Especially in care homes and LTC facilities.
For now, you could read the first couple lines of a Whats app chat, and just dont read the rest if its all a rant.
I know, its not easy to have these coming in and not respond. However, as they say, the more we respond to such things, in a way its positive feedback and more and more rants will come, Pick which ones to just ignore. If she types a rant and you ignore it, will she rememeber it the next day?