My father’s LTC facility is locked down still. I’ve been visiting him every day at the window (sometimes twice a day). Usually our visits are about 20 minutes and I’m doing most of the talking (he’s on the 2nd floor so we have to use phones to talk). Dad can speak very well and usually can carry on a conversation with no problem... in fact, if I brought a stranger to the window with me, he’d probably talk to them more than me (this has always been the case - even before dementia). Recently dad seems bothered when I’m at the window (almost like it’s a waste of time). He always says - “wasn’t there supposed to be someone with you? Who else is coming? Where is everyone else? Well, if you’re the only one here, we might as well cut this short so you don’t have to just stand there” During our visit, he says to me “why don’t you just come in?” I tell him I can’t (because of Covid and I do explain about how it’s spreads and blaugh blaugh) but I always reassure him that I’m not sick nor is he. He is definitely annoyed by the restrictions that Covid has put on everyone (THAT we agree on!) and I think when I’m outside talking to him through a window, it reminds him that we can’t see each other. Yesterday I went to the window with my husband and my son, who is 25 (dad has been asking for additional people,and he enjoys talking to “the guys” more than women, so I brought them with me!) He seemed annoyed when we got there and said to us, “well what do you want to say?”ugh it was stressful - mostly for me. We stayed for about 20 minutes, which is when dad said it was time for us to go. He barely talked to me, but when he did, it was like I was 4th wheeling on this visit. The whole thing was just odd (now I know why I go alone).
The very next day (THIS MORNING), dad called me 5 times before 11:00am. He started early so I was either asleep or didn’t hear the phone ring because I missed all 5 calls. Regardless, after the 5th missed call, I realized and then called him back. He angrily answered the phone and when he heard it was me (returning his calls mind you) he said “YOU ALWAYS CALL AT THE WOST D*MN TIMES!” I said I just wanted to call him back, and he said “I DIDN’T CALL YOU!” (Yes he did, and yes, I definitely was thinking “there’s the dementia again”) but more so it just seemed like he wanted to be mad at me. Ugh. I’m so tired of walking on eggshells constantly around him. I’m the closest person to him, but does that mean he gets to pounce on me constantly just because he has dementia, and I can’t explain that he’s acting rude??? My dad has dementia but I swear he knows what he’s saying. If he was a child, even a young toddler, I would explain that saying those things to me (or anyone else) is just not nice. I didn’t call dad again at all today after this morning - and he didn’t call me either (very odd because I usually get 10 calls a day even when I visit him at the window). I also didn’t go to the window today (first day I’ve missed in a long time). Yes I feel terribly guilty, but I also feel like I had to do what was best for me after the way we ended our call this morning. Is that wrong?
What I have ALWAYS DONE, in encounters with numerous relatives who have entered the new world of dementia in my presence, is to immediately shift my own perspective to “THIS IS NO LONGER (Dad, Mom, Aunt Elsa, my friend, ......whomever).
Doing this allows me to acknowledge and process the horrible grief associated in living with them at the same time I’m losing them.
But THEN, I can stay IN THE MOMENT with my dealings with the NEW person who has replaced the person I’ve lost.
The man you are dealing with, Annabox, no longer uses his damaged brain as he did previous to his illness. YOU need to control the annoying and too frequent phone calls- HE CAN’T CONTROL THEM.
The outdoor/window visits were IMPOSSIBLE for my current LO to deal with, and even as guilty as I felt doing so, I stopped making them, because they simply didn’t work for her, NOT because she wanted to “hurt my feelings” but because HER DAMAGED BRAIN couldn’t embrace the reason or need for them.
Electronic visits didn’t work either, and JUST when I hoped to be able to do indoor visits, she once again became Covid positive.
Some of us who post here “agree to disagree” about how much we should require of our LOs when we are subjected to negative or even hostile reactions from them. I personally don’t find that perspective helpful when I find myself fighting a battle I can’t win.
All you can do anyway is try something, and if it doesn’t work, try something else. Your dad will be cantankerous or quiet or rude or pleasant, and you can choose to be at peace because you did your best, but comfortable with NOT answering his every phone call, or mourning his every slight.
Swearing” he knows what he’s saying” can be a minefield, but you can choose for yourself whether or not to enter it. Jus ask yourself why, in the long run, it matters to you.
Hopes for a Better 2021 for us all!
Of course you are hurting. It’s okay to be angry too.
Anger is a normal emotional response to a frustrating situation.
Don’t feel guilty about being upset. You are allowed to feel whatever emotions that you feel.
Anger is only a serious concern if you aren’t able to work through it or move past it.
It isn’t healthy to suppress your feelings. Honor your feelings, move forward as best as you can.
You’re dealing with an extremely challenging situation.
Wishing you and your father all the best in the new year.
As others have suggested, cut back on the visits and calls. If he calls and you miss the call, wait for the next call (unless he left a specific message that needs to be addressed.) More than likely he will forget he called within minutes anyway. Clearly he forgot he called you 5 times when he denied it, yet you know he did call! No need to point it out and no need to call back, unless it is immediately after the missed call, so he might still remember he called you.
Ask staff if he has a "better" time of day. For most people this will be in the morning or early afternoon, but it can be different for others. If he's more easy going at those times, that might be the best time to call or visit. I would still, even if those visits are better, limit the visits, and bring whoever is willing to join you! No point in putting yourself through that every day! Most likely he won't even know. You could be there all day, then get home to a call asking when you're coming, you haven't been there in ages!!!
As for when he asks why you don't come in, keep the response simple. Explaining it isn't likely to help. He might not understand and/or he might forget what you said within minutes. Simply saying the staff says you're not allowed in should be enough. Simple. Also lays the blame elsewhere. Staff says no, I can't come in. Let him get mad at them!
My YB used to go on and on when responding to something mom said or asked. Between her hearing and dementia, it would be no more than a Charlie Brown teacher going "Wah wah waah, wah wah waah wah." I tried explaining that to him and suggesting he keep his response simple. That's fine with kids, they can absorb more and perhaps learn. Those with dementia can't! I might as well be that CB teacher too... In one ear, maybe, definitely out the other - nothing to pass through in between there! He dismisses everything I have to say.
FWIW - you have been a great daughter! Just wanting to visit everyday says a lot about you, but clearly it is painful for you, so take some days off!
They are your feelings.
Step back and examine what's going on with you? Exhaustion, emotionally vulnerable and setting yourself up to feel hurt? Over-extended? Not enough self-care?
No matter how severe the dementia is - getting blasted in which-ever-way hurts. It is a matter of knowing when to step back and give yourself a break, and letting someone else step in for a while.
You know dementia is brain chemistry changing and not the 'old - other person you used to know." Realizing this is intellectual, not emotional. We react - I do, no matter how much I don't want / or didn't want to. When you feel HURT, get yourself a rose or flower or learn to counter-talk to yourself: I am a kind, caring person and I know it." Or some affirmation that speaks to you - about the essence of (kindness) you are. We have to give these 'self-talks' to our self as the person with dementia can't. We're on your ra-ra team here; now you jump on board too ! gena
You are taking his illness personally, and that is a mistake. You may think he can improve, but no. He will likely become apathetic, which for you may be a relief. Then he may be unable to talk anymore, which again, for you, may be a relief. Then there is frustration intolerance. We can't help it. Many brain drugs are risky for worse health.
Brain failure is brain failure. I can't believe the things that come out of my mouth sometimes. I was not like this before. But to be punished for being disabled is not an option. My dementia is genetic, I did not ask for it, I did not cause it, I cannot free myself of it.
The same is true of your dad. When he is too much, leave. Walk away. You can. We can't.
I personally think daily or twice daily is way too much especially if there is nothing to talk about. He will miss you more if you put space between visits and calls.
if he is rude to you, then just say, I gotta go dad, have an appointment or whatever. And then say we will talk later, bye.
come up with a plan so you are ready to counter. And truly "lose the surprise" when he acts this way often. It is what it is, as they say and it’s not going to change. It is distressing for you I know, because I too had this type of dad, but you have to protect yourself.
You need to take better care of yourself so you'll still be healthy and sane enough to enjoy the rest of your life when he's gone (and eventually he will be). AND keep in touch with your friends so you will still have them after he's gone. I wish you the best.
your Dad simply cannot understand what is going on with this virus.
I would just say they will not let you come into the home and there is nothing you can do about it.
it’s painful for you but dementia does that to those of us that are trying to deal with our parents health situation.
remember you are not alone...is there a support group in your at area.
Unfortunately the only control you have is over yourself. Wait until you can be peaceful to visit or even converse on the phone.
Good luck and I wish you love and peace.
I know she is not to blame for her confusion and anger. I'm not hurt, but I'm frustrated and sad. It's been so hard to watch this decline and feel so useless.
I've been visiting her outside her window most evenings. I bring fruit and snacks - she is appreciative, usually, so that's a nice thing. But even this has taken it's toll on me - I can feel the cumulative affect of the stress. I've had to cut back to 3 or 4 visits a week. It's better for me - my mind and body needed a break.
It seems like you need a break, too. Reduce your visits, if only for now. Focus on self care. This will give you extra stores of energy to deal with Dad's dementia. Are your husband and son able to schedule in a visit or two?
Don't feel guilty - you're a good daughter! He's lucky to have you.
You are entitled to your feelings, so please don’t apologize or question them. They are normal emotions.
You’re hurting. How could you not be effected by any of this? You have valid reasons to be hurt.
Step away for a bit to get a clearer perspective on the situation. You are too close to everything to see clearly.
Your dad may or may not be aware of what he’s saying to you, but for your own sake do not feel you have to chase after something you may not get — kind words, a nice visit, etc or hope for it “the next time.” It may happen one day, sure, and your dad may turn around here and there, but if you’re like I was for many years, in that you can’t be ok until he’s ok, you must start thinking of yourself first. If he wants to be grumpy cranky yelly, well that may just be the day. Lower your visits and calls-not eliminate them, but lessen them, and you may just see a change. We do not deserve the abuse. They may not mean it (or who knows maybe they do) but nastiness regardless of where it comes from is unsustainable to anyone’s mental health.
I am not a doormat and neither are you. It's not okay for anyone to treat either one of us with disrespect, so we shouldn't allow it. As long as we don't say ENOUGH, they continue doing it. Even with dementia, when we leave a toxic situation, or say goodbye & hang up the phone, they DO get the message. He doesn't get to continue pouncing on you unless you continue to allow it.
You don't need to feel guilty for not visiting more often. It's like putting your hand on the stove wondering if THIS time you'll get burned? You know you will..........so after a while, you stop putting your hand on the stove b/c you know what the outcome will be.
If you cut down your visits and limit them to 2x a week *or whatever* then maybe your dad will come to appreciate and look forward to the visits instead of taking them for granted. And he may treat you a bit better as well.
If you swipe right on your phone, let his calls go to voicemail so you can return the ones you want to return, and forget about the others. Limit your phone calls to once a day and don't feel guilty about that, either.
We can't fix this for our parents. We want to, and it feels like there should be SOMETHING we can do to make their lives better, or to calm down the confusion and the agitation. But the more we try, the worse it seems to get sometimes, isn't that true? There is only SO much you can do for your father. Let him know when he's hurting your feelings b/c it's not okay, dementia or no dementia. We're human beings and daughters & deserve to be treated with the same respect & kindness we show THEM. Maybe not 100% of the time, b/c everyone has their 'off' moments, but we certainly don't deserve to be verbally assaulted ALL the time.
Wishing you the best of luck setting down some boundaries & rules moving forward with this relationship. It's tough, but you can do it!
Does he have activities to do in his LTC? He should be able to do those instead of being pulled away constantly for visits.
Go see him a couple times a week. That way you'll actually have something to talk about, and he'll likely be a little happier to see you.
I've pretty much given up on window visits with my mother because she clearly doesn't remember I'm standing in the bushes outside her window while we talk on the phone. Now I send her emails with pictures and call her once a week. Her dementia is probably a little worse than your dad's, but she really does well with the structured activities at her place and the fewer interruptions of that schedule, the better.
They are like toddlers. They get self-centered. They no longer have the ability to show empathy. They can't be reasoned with. The shortterm memory is the first to go. So explaining COVID everytime you go is a lost cause.
I think visiting 2 xs a day is too much. My Mom was just up the road and I went once a day for no longer than a half hour. Your Dad probably doesn't even remember the visit. Really, ur visit probably means more to you than him. Its just how Dementia goes. Your relationship is not the same because he is not the same. His brain is dying little by little.
Please, no guilt. You need a break. And if you live in a cold climate its going to be hard to visit as it gets colder. Do not take what Dad says or does to heart. He cannot control the feelings he is having. He is not doing it to you, his Dementia is doing it to him. Let him lead how things go. If ur there 5 min and he says goodbye, then its goodby.
So sorry experiencing this but all of us with parents suffering from Dementia have been hurt by them. Look at him like a toddler, forgive him because he doesn't understand.
I wish the visit had gone better. How sweet of your husband and son to go with you and support your efforts to bring comfort to your dad.
I hope the next visit goes better and you are encouraged. He probably is doing as well as he can under the circumstances.
Maybe. One can hope, but I wouldn't hold my breath! I do agree cutting back the visits, but only to alleviate the pain and hurt OP gets from these visits.
All too often, the dementia patient lashes out at the one person who does the most for them, whether it is caring for them in their own home or the person's home. It may be they just feel more comfortable venting to someone they "know" really well.
Cutting back on the visits and calls will reduce OP's stress somewhat. Answer the calls he makes, but cut back returning calls or placing calls. By the time you return a missed call, they've likely forgotten they called you! Placing calls, might be good to find out if there's a better time of day for him. Some people are more easy going certain times of the day, usually (but not always) in the morning. If he's more uptight in the afternoon or evening, don't call or visit at those times.
Bringing someone else along, even if he ignores OP, sounds like a good idea! May be that he focuses more on them, but it also might be something that dampens his venting (mind your Ps and Qs when others are around, best foot forward, no airing dirty laundry around others!)