I feel immature and crazy. Any thoughts?

Shuffle, I relate somewhat to some of what you relayed in your post. Although I had a very close bond with my mom I did always see her face light up a little bit more when any of her sons were around. My one brother who is now deceased did a couple of disappearing acts in his life leaving my mom scared that something bad had happened to him. Then he would eventually come back, his tail between his legs and she would forget all the strife he had put her through and welcome him back with open arms. The last year before he died he lived with her, and I who had always been close to her and looked out for her, helping her pick up the pieces when he left her shattered would be relegated to the background.

Mothers and their sons. I've heard this on here a lot. I don't know what it is. Sometimes they can do no wrong in their eyes. As for your scenario. I think you have to just accept how your parents want their money and assets divided. It is up to them after all. But as far as your relationship with your siblings. I don't know what to tell you. I did everything for my mom and my five remaining siblings just stood on the sidelines not helping but criticizing how I did it. There always seems to be that family scapegoat. I guess you are it. Do what I did. Continue to do the right thing by your parents even though it galls you at times. But after they are gone, cut ties with your siblings. If you can't see yourself doing that then you'll just have to change how you react to them cause they sound like they are quite happy with how things are.

You don't sound immature and crazy. But your self entitled, selfish siblings do.

Good luck to you!

Only Son Syndrome is pretty common among seniors it would seem, and daughters tend to become the family scapegoats.

Why are you allowing your parents to live with you? They can find another place to live.

Boot them out and move on with your life.

I want to thank everyone for their help and their thoughts.
I feel bad talking about my family like this, and therefor would like to end this discussion.
So many thanks and hugs to you all for your time. :)

I can see that this is very very difficult, and some of the ‘common sense’ answers aren’t hitting the spot. So this is a genuine try.

You love your siblings (most of the time) although neither has treated you well. Try to get back to treating them as ordinary adult siblings. That means a past history, but not a very close emotional bond – not involving betrayal, not revenge, not jealousy, just the ups and downs of an adult relationship with memories from a long time ago. Sometimes siblings pull strings that hurt, but you don’t have to go where they pull you. For example, you can move away without feeling devastated if you get a great job in NYC and they are on the west coast, even if they wish you wouldn’t.

If you can damp down those very close feelings about siblings, you are left with the less complicated situation of parents you still love, who live with you, but aren’t easy to live with and you wish they could live elsewhere. Then you could be a daughter, rather than a caregiver. Going through the following steps is NOT ‘crazy or immature’.

1) The first step is the finances. You are being paid – how much? $100 a week? $1000 a month? $10,000 a month, like some ALs?
2) What level of care do your parents need? You can look up Activities of Daily Living on Care Topics at the top right of the screen, as a first step. Then go on to see which level of supported accommodation this would need. Finally find out what the cost would be locally, and how it compares with what you are being paid.
3) Meet (or write to) your siblings requesting payment at the normal local rate for the appropriate level of care. If you want, you can offer to ‘pay’ 1/6th of it. If they agree (???), you will of course need to sort out tax, insurance etc, but you will also be able to afford to ‘subcontract’ some of the care if your parents stay in your own home. This could be a big help to you, and take some of the pressure of your relationship with your parents.
4) Your parents probably won’t react well when your siblings tell them about it. Unfortunately this is something that everyone faces. Parents usually prefer to live with a daughter who is at their beck and call 24/7, and frequently think that it’s a daughter’s duty (though where does your sister fit in here?). There is lots of information on the site about how to handle this, no need to repeat here about state guardianship etc. It’s about your parents’ NEEDS, not their WANTS. We all WANT to live at home and then die peacefully in our sleep with no prior warning, but we rarely do. Your parents NEED somewhere to live, if you are not going to be the option that everyone likes except you.
5) Suggest that you and siblings see a lawyer practising in this area. From the time frame in your post, it sounds like a Medicare Lookback might take back most of the money that brother was given by your parents – he can’t just ignore the whole thing. See the lawyer first, to speed up the interview by giving the simple facts without getting interrupted. It also sounds like your siblings are experienced in making you feel inadequate, and a lawyer should handle that for you.

These ‘steps’ could go on a lot longer, but ‘the longest journey starts with a footstep), and even the first two steps can make you feel a lot more on top of things. The other more personal decisions may be harder, but you will have a firmer foundation for going forward.

I do hope that this can help a bit. Yours, Margaret

Before I answer, could you clarify the monthly payment your brother brings you? Is it money for actual caregiving or does he say it is for caregiving but it is really for living expenses such as rent and utilities? Or do you get both? Does he have POA?

I see advice here that doesnt make sense to me. Dealing with an elderly parent involves all the subconscious crap that is a result of a life time of interaction. Love. hate, resentments over past and present injustices, nostalgia, guilt, loyalty, jealousy, inter-family rivalry etc. all these things are swirling around in your head making it impossible to make simple decisions about kicking them out, disconnecting from family and cutting ties.
I would thank all those who take the time to respond to posts on this forum...I find it very helpful hearing that my experiences are not unique, but I suggest that you temper your advice to people and remember that anyone who acts on such callous suggestions will spend the rest of their life dealing with the guilt and emotional fallout from their decisions.

appreciate the feed back, thanks.
I took them in because of course I care for them and I know neither of my siblings will take good care of them.
As for my siblings being smarter and not taking them in , it wasn't smarts it was being selfish.
Even though I recognize the unfairness here and how ridiculous the situation is, I do not have the heart to just move them out. If I were to drop them off at my brothers that would be insanity. I guess I don't have the courage to face that fight. It's easier said than done.
And trust me I would love to do nothing but.

I understand the legality about all of this. I'm not looking for more money.
I'm trying to figure out a way to deal with all of this without hurting my parents, even though they and my brother blind sided me. This isn't about more money.
This is about more than that.
But I realize I have to do something sooner than later. I know what the answer is, I was hoping I was wrong.

All I can say is your parents jumped the gun. Is your brother actually on the deed? If so, when the house was sold he was entitled to his share. The balance goes in an account for your parents to cover their care and personal needs. If brother is POA he better be keeping good records because I see a problem with Medicaid if either parent needs it otherwise. Me personally would not care for a parent or parents if I did not have Financial and Medical POA. If brother has POA, he is not obligated to keep you "in the loop". He is your parents representative and as such is the only one privy to the info. Sister is probably getting on his good side so she can get what she feels she is entitled to. Is there a Will?

Do you want to care for your parents? If not tell brother that since he is profiting off them than he can care for them or place them in NHs with Medicaid footing the bill. If one or both go into the hospital, tell the discharge person you will not be taking them back into your home. You can no longer care for them. Then give the discharge person brother's phone number blocking any calls from the hospital.

I too wonder, with the way you feel, why you took them in when brother is reaping the rewards. I think the portion of the money that you feel was yours, will need to be used for your parents future care. I hope you are not supporting them. If so, start billing brother for their necessities. Check with a lawyer to see what ur entitled to. If they have money they should be paying their way. If brother was not on the deed, he was not entitled to 2/3 of the proceeds. That money too was your parents and should have been used on them only. Otherwise Medicaid will consider that a gift and parents will be penalized.

If I were you, I would do all I could to get brother to take them. Say you need a vacation, whatever. When you come back, don't pick them up. If everything between ur parents and your brother was not done on the up and up, brother will end up paying the price, not you.

You do things for other people because you believe it's the right thing to do, not because you're going to get paid for it once it's all over. Consider any inheritance gravy, and your mind will rest easier.

Now, as far as your parents living with you -- why did you let them come if you felt used, neglected, and wronged? Did someone twist your arm? Did you make a written arrangement with them as to how they'd contribute to their upkeep? You need to take some responsibility for your part in your current situation, since I doubt your folks just showed up in your spare bedroom one day without your knowledge.

I wouldn't waste any more energy on either of your siblings. Your family has some interesting dynamics, but you can only be wounded by them if you choose to participate in all the drama. As far as your parents go, if they're competent, I believe you should sit down with them and lay out how you feel used and see how they respond to that. If they get huffy and bent out of shape, feel free to pack them up and call your brother to pick them up.

Life your life first and foremost, then worry about the rest if you choose to take them on.

"He still has control of whatever leftover money there is, not disclosing how much there is. I am being paid to take care of my parents. This money is delivered to me by my brother monthly at my home."

Are you being paid with a contract and are there taxes, etc. withheld? Because if this isn't happening, there can be big problems if your parents need Medicaid someday.

I'd be angry, too. You are doing 100% of the work and you only got 1/6 of the proceeds of the house sale.

You wrote in your profile:

"I am caring for my father Effi, who is 88 years old, living in my home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, depression, diabetes, hearing loss, heart disease, incontinence, mobility problems, sleep disorder, and vision problems."
"I am caring for my mother Joanne, who is 88 years old, living in my home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, arthritis, depression, diabetes, incontinence, mobility problems, sleep disorder, and vision problems."

Your parents have a lot of needs! Do you think you will be their fulltime caregiver for the rest of their lives? If so, are you okay with that?

Why grown children feel it's there obligation to take their parents in, I will never understand. Your other 2 siblings knew better not to, which was actually smart on their part. Now you have to figure out a way to get them out of your house. This situation is not healthy for any involved. You deserve to live your life in peace and in your own home in peace.
Mom and dad need to find a nice assisted living facility of their choosing and move out ASAP. You may just have to brutally honest and tell them that it's just not working out. And who cares what they or your siblings think about it or you? Your mental health is more important than putting up with their crap. Wishing you well.

The only way to end this dysfunctional jockeying for money, favoritism and petty in-fighting is to stop being their caregiver. Tell your brother, who is apparently the PoA for your parents, that as of XX date he needs to come move your parents out and find other ways to provide care since it will no longer be you. It is not your problem where they go or how they pay for it. But give him and them some time to figure out an alternative. Then be mature and realistic to know there will be familial blow-back in the form of anger and isolation. You already know there's probably nothing left for an inheritance (which is not really a thing -- their savings and assets are for their care in their old age). Or, maybe the money is in a trust? In your post you said you don't know the amounts and you really don't know where the money ultimately went, so it's all conjecture on your part. FYI if he is their PoA he is under no obligation to share your parent's private and sensitive financial information with you.

If you're not willing to do the only thing to form a boundary then you are volunteering for the ill-treatment and "unfairness" that you receive in the future. If you feel that your relationships with your siblings is worth mending then maybe suggest family counseling with them so that a neutral therapist can moderate a very volatile family discussion. I wish you all the best.

Oh, wow.

I'd be furious too.

And I'd be searching for an AL facility for mom and dad.

This isn't about who said or did what and the fall out from it--this is about self protecting from people who aren't very trustworthy, and sadly, are your parents.

YOU need to NOT be the CG. You need to get them out of your home and into a place that can handle their needs and wants, where you have no regrets--and then you can step away and visit them (or not) according to your own choices.

Whether brother and sis choose to have a relationship with you if you do this is not the point. Your folks are choosing a favorite kid (and it ain't you) and continue to do so. My folks let my OB swindle them out of hundreds of thousands dollars and acted like it was their honor to do so. Of course, he lost all the money and the rest of us didn't even KNOW until they sold their home. They took about $60K out of a home sale of about $300K. Brother had taken the rest. (He is now deceased, so there's no point in even being upset about it).

If you haven't got the legal rights to do anthing for them (I assume YB does) then take them to YB's and leave them. Then you go on a little vacay and let YB handle this.

Sadly this situation will not get better over time. Perhaps by moving now, you will salvage some peace for your own life.