Long backstory short - FIL was raised by a mother and grandmother who treated him as if he were the second coming. He is a raging narcissist. He has some age related cognitive decline but at this point it seems more just some really poor decision making. He treats women as if we were put on Earth to see to his needs and nothing more.
Lately, we have needed him to "help us" by making some good decisions around the care and maintenance of his home. Removing some old things that he no longer needs that are causing damage to the house (by this I mean giving us permission to get rid of them for him) or blocking exits. To be honest we could do it and he would never know but it is HIS house and we were trying to keep him involved. SIL, who lives there, tried to have a rational conversation with him. He dug in. Refused to discuss it. We needed to move these things soon. BIL who lives there, tried to have a rational conversation with him. He refused. My DH, his son, tried to have a rational conversation with him. He refused. I tried to have rational conversation with him...you get the picture.
So I tried one last tactic - and I swear to you all I absolutely hate this tactic - but it is the ONLY one that works and I don't know why. I talk to him like a child, I tell him he doesn't have a choice and that it is going. That his house is in disrepair, that is it dangerous and that his home owner's would cancel on him if they did an inspection, that the fire department would report him for blocking an exit as it illegal....yadda yadda yadda. All in a stern voice. Suddenly he is on board and letting us get rid of stuff.
Then behind my back he is telling my husband that he needs to "Get his woman in line."
I hate this! Why won't he just work with us when we try to talk to him adult to adult? Is there something we are missing? Is there more cognitive decline that we are missing? Why does he respond to me treating him like a child but not us treating him like an adult? I don't want to treat him like that. I leave with a headache every time I have to have a confrontation like that. It isn't fair to him or me that I have to resort to that. AND I'm the only one he will listen to!! We have even tried that approach with the other three and nothing. His sister says he is afraid I will take my husband and go because we don't have to be there and she believes he is intimidated because he has never had to deal with anyone that would tell him he isn't getting his way before.
I just don't know if this is how we are going to have to do things from now on to get anything accomplished. Is this our lives from now on? Is there really no discussing things with him like an adult anymore?
Try to do whatever it takes to be free of your FIL, as it will only get worse.
Hugs and best of luck!
Also, from the sounds of it, DH and SIL were likely browbeaten growing up and kowtowed to this man. Clearly SIL still hasn't managed to stand up to him, but DH is learning!
Your number 1 goal is now keeping him as safe as you can which is going to be a rollercoaster ride for all of you.
So sorry you all are facing this.
* You need to learn that all you can control is YOUR REACTION, not his.
- And how you take care of yourself.
- This is learned behavior. Catch yourself immediately when he does or says something that will / does set you off. S-T-O-P and be aware of how you feel and how you want to re-center yourself. Then figure out how, i.e., walk away, think of something pleasant, say "yes, I hear you" and continue doing what you need to do.
* You need to understand, emotionally and psychologically that there is just so much you can do if you need his cooperation and/or legal authorization, if you do not get it.
* Do not engage with him unless useful - to meet your needs (for him).
* Walk away. Being narcissistic, he won't like that.
* Hold your ground. Do not allow him to continue to drive (you nuts). Dealing with this personality is certainly not easy. Only you can change, he cannot "much" - holding your ground, not reacting to him (which he likes), not arguing (which he wants to do cause 'he's right, of course...' may register in his brain "this ain't working anymore.
- He will NOT change until you do.
Gena aka Touch Matters