I hate when my mother asks me to do things for her. Part of what I hate is the way she asks - she thinks that by prefacing an instruction with "Please" she can turn it into a polite request. It just sounds to me like a politely-phrased order, like she's addressing a member of her staff.
I've been helping her for 5 years and it still ticks me off as much as it did on day 1. From the beginning, my intention was to do for her whatever I was moved to do by caring and concern for her. In other words, it would come from me, from the love and compassion I felt for her.
I soon found out she had a different idea. She doesn't want me to take care of her. She wants to take care of herself with me as her instrument. I hate that.
I have confronted her about this many times, but the truth is she just doesn't get it. She can't grasp the idea that I resent her trying to assert control over me, because in her mind, she is in control and she has every right to be. In her mind, I am there to serve her needs.
It's true that if given my choice I would not do half of what I now do for her. But I'd feel better about doing it, and I'd like her a whole lot more.
Can anyone relate?
To all of you, I've been there. I am an only child, a son. My mom was in declining health for 10 years. As she became less able to do for herself, my responsibilities grew. I became resentful and lost my temper many times. I said things to her that I didn't mean out of a sense of frustration.
She died in a NH a little over a month ago. I miss her terribly and I am inconsolable in my grief. Every day I wish I could take back all the mean things I said and the way I treated her. I feel terrible for the way I behaved.
Heed this advice. Remember that what seems like an eternity to you now will come to an end one day. Then you will have yourself to live with so be careful in what you say and how you act toward your mother. Believe me, the guilt will become unbearable once she is gone.
I use to lose my cool with my Dad on the phone any time he wanted me drive somewhere but I just couldn't, he would start saying he would start driving again [he's in his 90's] and that was one huge button with me. Do I regret losing my temper, of course not, I was just being human.
Why is it that some people can't be content with sharing how they feel and need to follow up by telling other people how THEY should feel? I believe this tendency is the root of a lot of the world's troubles, especially for caregivers.
But this, I think, is more a desire to warn. People say this kind of thing because they've found a mine in life's minefield and they're putting up a marker - the trouble is, it never really works. We somehow never believe other people's mistakes will apply to us - we always insist on making our own :(
And, yes, they can get real entitled and get used to someone else doing stuff for them... that's easy to do, and they may end up covering the guilt they feel inside about "being a burden" by acting like it is only their due. There is a real dance between caregiver and caregivee, it is not simple, and caregivers really do have to say no every now and then and have the freedom to say no without guilt being heaped on. My best advice is when you do have to say no, you find some words to gestures that reassure of love and concern if you can.
Can you and your Loved one - no, make that Served one! -- come up with a checklist like that to be checked before you sit down, or twice a day, or every hour? The poor annoying old things do need to feel in control of their situation, but if you can be proactive, you can feel more in control yourself!
It is hard. There is no way to eliminate all the irritations. Love yourself and praise yourself.
Remember when "you know" was popular"? I think it was something like that. People just got in the habit of saying "I need you to ...." and I don't think really thought about what they were saying.
Perhaps I picked up the expression from my bosses.
Now instead of hello, good morning, good afternoon when answering a call, it's "hey....". It's not offensive, just different.
My mother has a version of "I need" that I particularly detest. It's "I need to" - totally eliminating the other person who is actually performing the act. "I need to stop at the liquor store." Mind you, it's me who is stopping, getting out and going into the store, and making the purchase, while she sits in the car." Grrrr!!!!
I sometimes wonder if parents use the "need" approach because they're feeling more and more helpless as they age and also feel they need to be more aggressive about getting what they want, even if it isn't all that important.
And there's also the fact that they're in some ways entirely dependent on others, perhaps really feel guilty about asking and so adopt a more aggressive attitude so they won't be turned down.
Negotiating skills need to come into play in these adult child/parent relationships.
I finally succeeded in finding another arrangement, but it appears to be doomed from the start Mom has a neighbor who is a close friend of mine who retired on a very meager SS payment. She gets along great with Mom and we decided to offer her free rent in return for being Mom's household help and daily driver. Already, less than 24 hours into it, Mom tells me it's not working. The woman was up making noise last night, and has not come out of her room this morning to take out the trash and discuss Mom's schedule for the day. Mom is agitated - she wants everything settled and pinned down right now. I understand - I hate waiting too. But the "helper" is having her coffee and needs time to wake up and get moving. I can see this arrangement falling apart within a week, and we'll be right back where we started from.
Oh, it hurts so much when I reach up to water my hanging planters, last week I had to ask the neighbour (older and frailer) to help me.
I haven't been able to make my special smoothies because I'm out of fresh fruit, but I guess I'll manage somehow. I hope I don't end up constipated again.
Another current example - it's being discussed on a separate thread - is the common request for family members to call and say when they're home following a visit. Well, for heaven's sake - what could possibly be wrong with a parent's wanting to know that their child is okay? - and not 'dead in a ditch' as my mother always claimed to fear. And how long does it take to make a call or send a text saying 'hi we're home xxx' (xxx is optional depending on how the visit went)? But many people seem to find this - you'd have thought - benign request hugely intrusive and somehow manipulative; and in their particular family dynamic maybe that is exactly what it is.
It could be something to do with how the parent reacts when they child fails to agree to the home safe message? My SIL routinely went up the wall about it; my sister eye-rolled but complied (anything for a quiet life). And I have to say my younger daughter blithely ignores me. I was once driven by her long silence to send her a text on Thursday evening saying "are you alive?" and she didn't reply 'til the following Tuesday.
I digress. But yes, it's the little things, drip drip drip, the death by a thousand cuts of both sense of humour and sense of proportion.
I don't know if she has age related decline or not, I think your profile list mobility problems, but she may need a reality check. I see no problem with that. Seniors often can be childish in their expectations and demands, whether or not it's due to dementia. I think that pleasing every whim might be unrealistic and frustrating.
I do feel for you in your situation. It's good to voice your frustration and I'm glad you took your valuable time to explain to me what it's like to deal with that kind of thing.
I just wish I either had a bigger bucket for the drips or a faster way to empty it when full.