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I hate when my mother asks me to do things for her. Part of what I hate is the way she asks - she thinks that by prefacing an instruction with "Please" she can turn it into a polite request. It just sounds to me like a politely-phrased order, like she's addressing a member of her staff.

I've been helping her for 5 years and it still ticks me off as much as it did on day 1. From the beginning, my intention was to do for her whatever I was moved to do by caring and concern for her. In other words, it would come from me, from the love and compassion I felt for her.

I soon found out she had a different idea. She doesn't want me to take care of her. She wants to take care of herself with me as her instrument. I hate that.
I have confronted her about this many times, but the truth is she just doesn't get it. She can't grasp the idea that I resent her trying to assert control over me, because in her mind, she is in control and she has every right to be. In her mind, I am there to serve her needs.

It's true that if given my choice I would not do half of what I now do for her. But I'd feel better about doing it, and I'd like her a whole lot more.

Can anyone relate?

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Yes, Carla, I can relate. My mother was in assisted living for three years before she came home with my help. She picked up some verbal tics, probably from trying to be cordial to groups of people. So now, when she comes to the kitchen in the morning for her coffee she says "Good morning good morning." When I give it to her she says "Thank you thank you." When I return from an errand she'll say "Hello hello." She never did that before and it would drive me crazy if I let it. I grit my teeth and remind myself that it's just her way of being polite.
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It is both sad and refreshing to hear others discuss the issues. The "drip drip drip" analogy by Countrymouse was perfect. And like she said, any attempts to share this experience to others only makes you seem irrational and over-reacting. Most times we are already aware of that so we keep it in and feel guilty for the thought...Awwgg!
I just wish I either had a bigger bucket for the drips or a faster way to empty it when full.
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CarlaCB: I know, right! I mean why couldn't they just ask "can you do........? Thanks for chiming in on this one sunnygirl1! Carla...sitting on her tuffet....OMG so funny!!
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I don't like people watching me while I do things. I clean when no one is around. I just feel that because our parents are elderly that we are to be a doormat for them.
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Oh, I see CarlaCB. I guess I'm just not that focused on someone making unreasonable requests. If you make arrangements to help your mom, like you did, and she wasn't satisfied or is nit picky about it, then I would just explain to her that this is the way it is and we'll have to adjust. It's the best we can do with what resources we have.

I don't know if she has age related decline or not, I think your profile list mobility problems, but she may need a reality check. I see no problem with that. Seniors often can be childish in their expectations and demands, whether or not it's due to dementia. I think that pleasing every whim might be unrealistic and frustrating.

I do feel for you in your situation. It's good to voice your frustration and I'm glad you took your valuable time to explain to me what it's like to deal with that kind of thing.
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Exactly, Kimber. It's about how you feel when perfectly reasonable things, in the ordinary scheme of things, begin to get on your nerves - and you've given a brilliant example. What on earth, an outsider would say, is wrong with your Dad's familiar, colloquial way of asking? But you've developed a Pavlovian stress reaction to it, is the point, and I for one know exactly how you feel.

Another current example - it's being discussed on a separate thread - is the common request for family members to call and say when they're home following a visit. Well, for heaven's sake - what could possibly be wrong with a parent's wanting to know that their child is okay? - and not 'dead in a ditch' as my mother always claimed to fear. And how long does it take to make a call or send a text saying 'hi we're home xxx' (xxx is optional depending on how the visit went)? But many people seem to find this - you'd have thought - benign request hugely intrusive and somehow manipulative; and in their particular family dynamic maybe that is exactly what it is.

It could be something to do with how the parent reacts when they child fails to agree to the home safe message? My SIL routinely went up the wall about it; my sister eye-rolled but complied (anything for a quiet life). And I have to say my younger daughter blithely ignores me. I was once driven by her long silence to send her a text on Thursday evening saying "are you alive?" and she didn't reply 'til the following Tuesday.

I digress. But yes, it's the little things, drip drip drip, the death by a thousand cuts of both sense of humour and sense of proportion.
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What about the people who spend their lives never asking for anything because they have learned how to manipulate others into volunteering to help, such as...

Oh, it hurts so much when I reach up to water my hanging planters, last week I had to ask the neighbour (older and frailer) to help me.

I haven't been able to make my special smoothies because I'm out of fresh fruit, but I guess I'll manage somehow. I hope I don't end up constipated again.
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Since I started this thread, I'll give you my perspective, Sunnygirl. My mother's list is quite long and often unreasonable, and making other arrangements is basically a pipe dream. Mom has no money to hire help, is not eligible for the free services in our area, and asks me for everything because the other local siblings are either uncooperative or unavailable, or both.

I finally succeeded in finding another arrangement, but it appears to be doomed from the start Mom has a neighbor who is a close friend of mine who retired on a very meager SS payment. She gets along great with Mom and we decided to offer her free rent in return for being Mom's household help and daily driver. Already, less than 24 hours into it, Mom tells me it's not working. The woman was up making noise last night, and has not come out of her room this morning to take out the trash and discuss Mom's schedule for the day. Mom is agitated - she wants everything settled and pinned down right now. I understand - I hate waiting too. But the "helper" is having her coffee and needs time to wake up and get moving. I can see this arrangement falling apart within a week, and we'll be right back where we started from.
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Sunnygirl1 - i think the issue is the little things grate after a while and this is a good place to vent. I'm not a full time caregiver - but a weekend with my dad who requests things by saying "you wanna...." as in "you wanna pass the bread?" has me on edge, ready to blow after just two days. It is a minor thing, yes, but the minor things grate big time. I give my stepmom a break and this makes dad angry (that she isn't home waiting on him) and he takes it out on me frequently. I can handle his bad behavior better by setting boundaries and drawing the line and it doesn't make me nearly as ready to blow as another "ya wanna....?" request.
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It's great that we can vent here. I know that it's helped me so much, but I don't get the issue here. I just don't see the problem with a senior in need telling the adult child what they need. If the list is too long or unreasonable, then say so and make other arrangements. If you aren't happy helping a senior in their home, then why not discuss other arrangements? I can't imaging living each day with resentment and doing things I didn't want to do. For example, I'm not a portable toilet cleaner or diaper changer. Those are things I would not do. Outside help would be required. There's no disgrace in that, IMO. Each person has their limits.
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GardenArtist - I agree with your suggestion that parents get more aggressive in their requests as they get needier to make sure they get what they want, at least as applied to my mother. It's almost as if she's trying to make it sound like I don't have a choice, to make it harder for me to voice an objection. Of course that's the very thing that irritates me - I'm not a servant or her minor child - I'm an adult, I'm doing this voluntarily, I expect to have a choice.
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OMG Llama - that takes the cake! My mother loves to sit and watch me work as well, except she doesn't watch; she turns on the TV or buries her nose in a book. I refer to this behavior as "sitting on her tuffet."
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My mother didn't ask me to wash, dry and irons all her curtains...she just said "I'll sit and wait while you wash, dry and iron them all! I hated THAT TREATMENT!
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Good point, Carla. Employers are not parents and vice versa. There are different ways of approaching requests.

I sometimes wonder if parents use the "need" approach because they're feeling more and more helpless as they age and also feel they need to be more aggressive about getting what they want, even if it isn't all that important.

And there's also the fact that they're in some ways entirely dependent on others, perhaps really feel guilty about asking and so adopt a more aggressive attitude so they won't be turned down.

Negotiating skills need to come into play in these adult child/parent relationships.
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GardenArtist - I think "I need you to" is just fine in a work environment. But that's just the point. It's not courteous when you ask for a favor to address the person as if they were a member of your staff.

My mother has a version of "I need" that I particularly detest. It's "I need to" - totally eliminating the other person who is actually performing the act. "I need to stop at the liquor store." Mind you, it's me who is stopping, getting out and going into the store, and making the purchase, while she sits in the car." Grrrr!!!!
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JoAnn, there was a time when the phrase "I need you to do ...." was actually popular in work environments. I recall picking up on it and using it myself, not necessarily because I felt that I needed someone to do something but more like subconsciously was using a contemporary colloquialism.

Remember when "you know" was popular"? I think it was something like that. People just got in the habit of saying "I need you to ...." and I don't think really thought about what they were saying.

Perhaps I picked up the expression from my bosses.

Now instead of hello, good morning, good afternoon when answering a call, it's "hey....". It's not offensive, just different.
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My daughter, being a nurse, worked doubles and weekends. I would watch Gson for her, no problem, but it was always "I " need" you to watch". I asked her how she would ask her grandmom, she realized that "could you" would sound better. Not that I would ever turn her down just my back went up every time she said "you need to". I think that parents tend to get a little self-centered as they age. We need to remind them that we have our own lives. That yes, they r a part of it, but we have other responsibilities. We r glad to do for them but if it isn't something urgent we will do it when we have the time or in the area. Like a child, they want everything now.
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My mother always says, 'when you are old all you have left is your voice'. Yes.
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I met an old lady in a nursing home who was totally bedridden. She must have been 127 years old. Every time the aid was there, the old lady went through her checklist of 5 items that she needed to have in reach. She was someone who was still taking responsibility for her own happiness.

Can you and your Loved one - no, make that Served one! -- come up with a checklist like that to be checked before you sit down, or twice a day, or every hour? The poor annoying old things do need to feel in control of their situation, but if you can be proactive, you can feel more in control yourself!

It is hard. There is no way to eliminate all the irritations. Love yourself and praise yourself.
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I have so many ideas! My daughter 25 but "teen-ish," says, "Well, Excuse You!" that's a good line. Sometimes after the "How come there are never any tissues around here?", I will say in a normal pleasant voice, "Excuse me, dear wife, would you please get me a box of tissues? Why yes, beloved husband, I would be glad to!"
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Well, to some extent, if you really want to help someone, you have to help them the way they want to be helped, though with some of our loved ones it is how they NEED to be helped even if they don't want it at all....

And, yes, they can get real entitled and get used to someone else doing stuff for them... that's easy to do, and they may end up covering the guilt they feel inside about "being a burden" by acting like it is only their due. There is a real dance between caregiver and caregivee, it is not simple, and caregivers really do have to say no every now and then and have the freedom to say no without guilt being heaped on. My best advice is when you do have to say no, you find some words to gestures that reassure of love and concern if you can.
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Carla, I completely agree that the desire to direct other people's behaviour ranks with avarice as a source of evil in the world.

But this, I think, is more a desire to warn. People say this kind of thing because they've found a mine in life's minefield and they're putting up a marker - the trouble is, it never really works. We somehow never believe other people's mistakes will apply to us - we always insist on making our own :(
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"I loved them both very very very much and would do it all over again if need be. Be grateful you still have her."

Why is it that some people can't be content with sharing how they feel and need to follow up by telling other people how THEY should feel? I believe this tendency is the root of a lot of the world's troubles, especially for caregivers.
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Hey my mom also demanded me to do things. I did without complaining and I lost her 12 years ago. I would do everything the SAME way all over again. You only have ONE mother whether you love her or not do NOT have any regrets after she is gone. I have NONE for either my mom nor my dad. I loved them both very very very much and would do it all over again if need be. Be grateful you still have her.
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Hug for everyone.
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I am so glad I have read all the answers to "Can Anyone Relate". I have been completely convinced that I was a big ole piece of crap because I have all these thoughts and feelings....like I don't really love her or care. "Her" is not even my Mom but my Aunt and I'm all she has. My friends and my counselor all tell me I am not a bad person but, truthfully, until I read so many of your answers I didn't believe them. I feel so much better. I have no solution for CarlaCB but hope she can glean from these answers what I have. We are never in this alone. I guess as the old saying goes..."Misery loves company." HA!
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Grieving, all of us at one time or another get to a breaking point and we let off steam.

I use to lose my cool with my Dad on the phone any time he wanted me drive somewhere but I just couldn't, he would start saying he would start driving again [he's in his 90's] and that was one huge button with me. Do I regret losing my temper, of course not, I was just being human.
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The underlying anger expressed in most of these messages is a common reaction for a caregiver. You reach the point of mom expecting rather than asking you to do things for her. Some moms can take advantage of the situation. You can become tired and frustrated of having inherited what seems to be a lifelong and never ending service commitment. If you are alone in this task, the frustration and anger can be even greater.

To all of you, I've been there. I am an only child, a son. My mom was in declining health for 10 years. As she became less able to do for herself, my responsibilities grew. I became resentful and lost my temper many times. I said things to her that I didn't mean out of a sense of frustration.

She died in a NH a little over a month ago. I miss her terribly and I am inconsolable in my grief. Every day I wish I could take back all the mean things I said and the way I treated her. I feel terrible for the way I behaved.

Heed this advice. Remember that what seems like an eternity to you now will come to an end one day. Then you will have yourself to live with so be careful in what you say and how you act toward your mother. Believe me, the guilt will become unbearable once she is gone.
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Some parents are very demanding and its not always because they can't do. Better they do as much for themselves.
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In my house, I am the one who asks my husband, "While you're in the kitchen, could you please get me a glass of ice water?" Etc.

Did you ever stop to think that your mother is thinking of you, too? I don't ask my husband to stop what he's doing or to get up and do something for me if I can help it; I'll ask when I can see it would be convenient for him. I'm handicapped, but I don't like being a burden. Those of us who are handicapped and older truly do need help, sometimes with the simplest things. I know I don't ask with the purpose of ordering my husband around although he does get tired of having to help me; I would truly rather be able to do those simple tasks myself.

I'm sorry many of you feel resentful because a parent or loved one asks for help. I never felt that way about my own parents. I helped them when they were terribly ill because I wanted them to have the best care I could provide.
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