This is ALL subject categories.
My sister was diagnosed by The UCSF Alz & Memory care after many tests, scans, etc. nearly a yr ago. They said she should not/cannot live alone, but no Dr. will sign a letter of incompetency. On a good day she can talk a good game and says she is not leaving her home or dogs and will not allow anyone else to come into home. We had two intro mtgs, she refused to allow strangers in her home. I am forced to handle everything, but she signs up for every Medicare plan that calls her (just discovered last night she changed her Medicare plan again for new year, last yr she signed up for a new plan 3 times). She has been scammed for gift cards twice, turned off pilot light to water heater, put dawn in dishwasher causing overflow that she claimed blew up. She cancels everything: internet/wi-fi, phone, TV, homeowners’ ins., Dr. appts. then of course says she didn’t. We spend hrs and entire days just undoing the messes. She sees people in her house every day, “the eaters”. We have cameras and an Alexa show device for calls and to keep visual on her when we are not there. This week she missed 2 important Dr. appts. She refused to get out of house at last minute making us too late on Monday by 8 minutes. When we arrived she refused to get out of car. We were refused and rescheduled for Wed. We started early, it takes me 30 min to get to her house and 35 min to that Dr. I am at her house at least 90 minutes before and at the last minute she stalled and refused again until we would have been late. I called, explained and cancelled. I had to take her to 4 various lab/scan appts for this final evaluation for back pain. All so stressful. I pay all her bills, undo her messes, and buy all her groceries, cook meals, my husband takes care of everything at her house. She expects it. Everything is all about her, always. Never appreciates. Resents when we are there and goes in her bedroom and shuts door. Still her personality, never did anything for others or me. Her daughter is out of state and has not been here for 8 yrs. We were not close and not raised together. I am stuck. I retired last yr and she is my full time job. We had to put our own life on hold and How long do we have? She used to call the sheriff 2-3 times week. She sees people, eating her food, living in her closet. These people are numerous and cause anything that went wrong, or is lost, as they took it. She put all her food outside over the summer with a note they can’t leave their food in her house and to take it now, (twice) refusing to believe it’s her food. She hides everything from these people so every day is scavenger hunt. She hides food under the bed, wrapped in newspaper, foil, bags, hides all mail, toothbrush, makeup, heating pad, dog food. Literally Everything. Because she can’t find anything. Since she refuses to consider any other living situation insisting she is fine and perfectly capable of taking care of herself telling anyone she is capable, pays all her bills, goes to grocery store, takes care of her dogs, etc. When in reality she does none if it and hasn’t for over a year. She is impossible and I am done. What can I do? Who can do it? Trust and POA lists me and daughter but that doesn’t kick in until Dr. states she is incompetent and unable to handle her own affairs. They all say that emphatically, but will not sign letter. She is getting her way as she always has, I took care of mom with ALZ for 6 yrs 20 yrs ago and now this? She was a walk in the park compared to this! Sister is mean, combative, belligerent, and cannot remember a conversation, a document, anything - from 3 minutes ago! Since she doesn’t remember she is always mad. “When was anyone going to tell her she had appt? Why didn’t she know? No one tells her anything. (White board with all ph #s and appt dates on wall)
What do people do? Memory care facilities do not allow dogs, she won’t consider visiting any “home” - she is not leaving her dogs nor her home. I don't want to ruin my marriage but I am depressed, angry, short tempered.
Unfortunately, as long as you are providing care, she will not get what she needs. Step aside
If you feel you cannot step aside, then write down everything, and I mean everything you and your husband do for your sister. Every little thing not just a general remark. Now take that list and scratch off half of those items. Not scratch off a few more. What is left is what you will do, and nothing more. If you sister can understand just say "I can't possibly do that".
On my parents' Power of Attorney, nothing was mentioned of the POA not kicking in until a Doctor states incompetency. My Dad had no medical tests for dementia. The POA kicked in when it came apparent that Dad could no longer do certain things or want to do certain things, such as writing out checks for bills. Thus I was able to transfer all bills and statements to my home, and I was allowed via the bank signature card to write out checks and put my signature on the checks.
For grocery, the local grocery store had an on-line service which was great. I would order what was needed, set a pick-up date, and just drive up to the curb where the groceries were placed in my vehicle. What a godsend. I've been doing that for myself for the past 7 years :)
For Dad, I would tell him his doctor appointment was at an earlier time than what was scheduled as Dad always waited until the last minute to get ready.
So many times for those of us taking care of a love one, we need to wait for a medical emergency, 911, hospitalization, rehab, and then move to senior living or nursing home.
When I explained that to my sister, I got a blank look. Followed by "I can do it myself".
I was in a similar spot to where you are. Not doing so much as others did the lion share, but the needs were a bottomless pit.
Sought help from Doctor, who said to let her 'fail'. Don't help. Don't even buy milk.
As Barb said, "step aside". This forces in other solutions.
Before you jump to "she won't change".. Stop. This is about changing what YOU do.
I wrote out a list of tasks as described, I crossed my name of some tasks. Then as time went on, crossed off more & more. Each time it forced services to replace me to be trialled.
Now my sister is really happy with her 'ladies' that come to help her. It has extended out her living at home. It won't last forever of course, nothing does.
But it gave her the dignity to choose for herself.
Choose the home services help. Or not. Stay home with help, or risk having to move. At present the choice is to accept a replacement person from an agency if the regular is away/ill etc or have no-one. I will not be backup. That just opens the door to more cancellations knowing I would fill-in.
Your sister will need to choose things like a helper to walk/groom, help with the pets or risk having them taken away. I'd start there. Something she cares about.
Time to get learning.
Ready?
you do not have to do this alone!
first, I am very sorry you’re dealing with the situation. You are a great person offering your assistance to your sister. There is always the option of going to a state or local representative as they have help in your communities, separate from that my personal opinion went to find a home visiting doctor, and due to the situation she doesn’t want to go as far as the incompetency goes there’s always those legal guardianship issues, however there is a way to get legal services involved with minimal cost via legal shield. If you need more information you can reach out to me directly.
I would call APS and tell them you no longer can care or financislly support your sister. That you cannot get a doctor to sign a letter saying she is not competent. Maybe they can evaluate and get her doctor on board. Really, Doctor's have some responsibility here. You may just want the State to become her guardian. They can get her placed much faster than u can.
Keep recording and make frequent calls to APS. Even though she may bar them at the door, you are creating a record.
Once they get they need to be responsible, they will start finding creative ways to make their lives easier. (use a pickup stick or walker, buy shoes without laces, etc.) and eventually, they will discover the need for an aide to help them out.
Right now, mom thinks she's living independently because her two "elves" are caring for her. She has no idea how much work you are doing, and even if you tell her, she won't comprehend it.
Here is how to give her a "push" toward discovering what you already know:
Let her know that you and your husband are going on "vacation" for two weeks. Have her make a list of everything she will need while you are gone and give you the phone numbers of those she will call in your absence (there probably won't be any). Don't make it a big deal, but create a reminder for her (maybe X out the days you will be gone on her calendar). Remind her often and let her think about it... ALOT! Don't offer much in the way of help. This is her puzzle to solve!
In the meantime, hire a reputable agency to provide care for 4 or 6 hours a day to check on her well-being and do anything she asks. If she kicks the aide out on Monday, no problem, have them come back on Tuesday and keep coming back until she's ready to accept help. Call her every couple of days to check in, and insist you will see her when you are "back". Tell her to let the aide know what she needs. (You can also call the aide or the agency to give them instructions so it occurs as more"magical" for your mom.)
My plan is a bit dubious, I know. Mom might be miserable for a few days, but she won't die! When you come back in two weeks, bring her a pineapple from your trip (to Hawaii) and give her a big hug! She will be thrilled to see you and tell you how much she loves her new aide. And it will all have been her idea!
I don't know if this is possible, I am just speculating.... but maybe you could let DCFS know what's going on with the "vacation" and see if they could check in on her too. It might make proving your case for incompetence go faster...
If you can get a doctor to sign paperwork for representative payee for her social security if she is on that I would do that. It will stop some of the buying.
The other is to call Dept of Human Services and tell them that you are done taking care of her and you can't do it anymore. My SIL was taking care of her brother with dementia she was told by a doctor to take him to the ER and tell them you can't do it anymore they will in turn find him a place to go. Which they did for her.
Prayers
don't talk about moving, talk about visiting. i told my dad it was just for rehab.
the power of attorney does not need anyone to declare her incompetent. you have all rights right now. YOU get to make the decisions.
Unless you are legally bound, you are not forced to do anything you do not want to do unless you decide to take on yourself.
I would say seem to you feel forced for internal reasons, i.e., emotional, guilt, low-self esteem, fear(s), allowing her to intimidate you.
The issues and concerns you outline above will continue on and on... and on.
If you do not want this scenario to continue:
STOP. Get out of this toxic situation.
Continue to vent here although the frustration will continue until you make a decision. She is running circles around you. If you don't want her to do this, then stop encouraging her.
Gena / Touch Matters
Then stop.
Stop trying to assist when you clearly can’t. She is not your problem. I know this is harsh and difficult, but something doesn’t sound right when she’s been told she can’t live alone, yet they won’t write a letter stating that. There must be something more to this.
Let the county and state do their job. Report to a social worker, Adult Protective Service and then call her daughter and explain her mom needs help and you can’t help her and you will not be responsible for her. Remove yourself as POA. And then stop.
A memory care facility near me advertises that they allow dogs after the dogs are properly assessed. The owners have their own dogs that live on the property and when they have puppies, the residents play with them. My mother lived in assisted living for a time where there were many dogs and cats living with their owners. Where I live now, a retirement community, lots of people have taken their pets to independent and assisted living, where they are welcomed. At least one facility has their on-campus dog, and the residents can take him for walks. He attends all events and gatherings and the residents enjoy him so much. Please investigate for yourself to find out if there's somewhere your mother can go and take her pets.
Nursing homes and memory care are not all rows of beds with sick skinny gray-haired people lying in them waiting to die. Do your research.
1.Call APS, Adult Protective Services and report unsafe condition in home. This may or may not help but at least you can start a paper trail of reporting the unsafe environment. Call as many times as events present themselves.
2. Call 911 when she becomes combative and, have her transported to ER. Once there they can further assess her and, you can confer with social services/ case management re options . Be sure to state emphatically the " unsafe" and " non compliant" behaviors. Do not let them just send her back home with follow up appts which you know she will not keep. Consider having her sent directly from ER to a facility of choice. Once there, staff can take over the behavior management.
3. I do not understand why the physicians are not declaring her incompetent. You may want to confer with an Elder Care Attorney about the situation.
4. Tell her and her Physician that you are no longer able to provide care for her and, you will not be available. Stop being a part of the " enabling" process of allowing this individual to put herself in unsafe conditions and, place you in unsafe and unhealthy positions. You certainly are entitled to your life and you must start advocating for yourself too.
5. Put cameras up in the home / relevant places to capture her belligerent , non compliant, unsafe behaviors.
Seek counseling for your own health and well being.
"She is failing to meet her medical and mental health needs "
" I refuse to continue providing care "
"This will be an unsafe discharge and I will report it as elder abuse"
And inform her Dr of the same. Sometimes Drs get kickbacks and incentives to avoid declaring someone incompetent and needing public funded care. Sad but true.
These need to be your mantras..Stay strong and do not look back. She is destroying you.
Document everything. However tedious, document it. I’ve done it several times for several things and have won my money back many times (even on taxes). But it took time. Your situation is a little different but it’s no different in regards for getting that letter signed. Never give up the fight.
So like someone else said when she gets combative called the police; get her to the ER then sent to a rehab, letting them deal with her and start seeing her behavior and document it. names, date and time, what was said & done as much as you can.
start with a laundry list of events from your memory as far back as you can go with dates, times and people; it’s OK if it’s not perfect because you’re recreating but from this present day forward document in real time.
An elder attorney is good to consult but expensive. You might try the way of the office on aging and find a social worker for advice.
oh and document what the doctors say as to why they won’t sign the paper. Names date time and exactly what they said. Even document what case you presented to them for asking them to sign the paper. I would even go as far as letting them know you’re going documenting Because this is a serious matter to you. You just might intimidate somebody to get off their lazy butt and support you. It’s not illegal. Thus its a trail on them against the contradicting stories of others and show that to every new doctor. Something will have to give.
isn’t that how it is in contracts and when you go to court? Who’s got the documentation? who can prove it? This is how you prove it.
we all have someone in our life that we can say “they are always like this” but without proof it can just be your slanted perspective. Get it in writing. And take pictures of all the hidden things and crazy things she does.
good luck! We are behind you!