I am a middle child with 4 sisters. I am a widow. My children and grandchildren live in St. Louis and my mother lives in Phoenix. I have taken care of my mother for the last eight months, away from my immediate family. I have done the very best I could takung care of my mother but it has taken a toll on me physically and emotionally. I lost 25 pounds, couldn't eat, depressed, and had to have surgery so I could try to eat again. All of this made me realize I can't do this anymore. The sisters are sending guilt and shame filled texts to try to change my decision but I can't. They are being so mean saying I am being selfish. Not sure how I can deal with this. I would really like some advice in this.
I think 4 people can figure out care for one person. So, they have to take some time off from work. Maybe use vacation time. Oh well, we all have to do what we have to do to care for our parents.
It must feel so good to be back in ur own home. Enjoy and get ur health back. Thats what is important now. Hopefully they realize what was involved in caring for Mom.
If money is an issue, look around in your area for group homes. Maybe if you find a place, do your research, that feels homey to you, then tell your siblings, they might honor you for doing that.
Sending hopeful thoughts and prayers your way.💞
Is your mother of sound mind?
If your mom is of sound mind, talk to her.
Will your mom agree to relocate? If she is willing to relocate, see if she would be willing to move to an apartment or an assisted living facility or a nursing home either near you (or near where most of her children could visit regularly -- if you and she actually believes they would).
If your mom is of sound mind but unwilling to relocate, say farewell with a clear conscience.
If your mom is not of sound mind, see a lawyer and see what would be involved in getting you named as her legal guardian so you make decisions for her -- then liquidate most of her assets and relocate her -- move her to an apartment assisted living facility or nursing home facility near your home so you could visit weekly.
you owe them nothing! You don’t need to explain to them how this caregiving arrangement is killing you.... just be firm and tell them to “figure it out” from here because you are taking a well deserved break. Forever!
I myself at this moment am so angry with him that I'm going to have someone else tell my brother when my dad transitions like my Minister. He barely helps and they want me to get a job. So I do know somewhat how your feeling.
Go through Elder Options or whichever elder help resource is in your town take a caregiver training class and use some of their options. They maybe able to help with respite care and other things like a companion for your mom so you can get out. Also, see if AARP have resources that you can use.
The Savvy caregiver training course help me tremendously. I was even able to get a free transitional counselor. I hope this helps. They say you have to take care of yourself first or you won't be able to help your mom and true.
Good luck. Do what is right for you.
Good for you having made this decision. BUT, let them not change your mind! If they do not help you find a solution, in either taking over, or placing Mother in a home, please walk away from the situation so that they HAVE to do SOMETHING.
I'm sorry, the above may be blunt writing, but sometimes this is what we have to do to make things move into another direction.
Good luck and God bless.
My sister replied “I told you I would run errands for you.” I appreciated that but I do all banking, insurance, dr appts, transport mom to dialysis 4 days per week all while trying to work and have some sort of life. I don’t need errands run, I need someone to sit in the drs office for 6 hrs with mom like I had done the day before, that’s what I need!
Funny when I put my my foot down they stepped up to the plate. I no longer “ask” if they can take her where she needs to go. I tell them I need them to do whatever needs to be done and if they can’t its their responsibility to figure out how the job is going to get done. They both have grown children that don’t work that can help out so it shouldn’t be a problem.
i don’t feel guilty one bit. I had to do this for my health, sanity and bank account and put myself first. All 3 of us love my mother and would never let her suffer in any way but it wasn’t fair that I was the one suffering.
You need to be assertive and put yourself first. Go to the dr to see if your depressed and get into some counseling too. It’s not ok that your health and mental wellbeing has suffered. They didn’t care or they would have stepped up to care for your mom to give you a break. Your sisters are mad because they were living their lives knowing you had taken on all the responsibility of your mother without them lifting a finger. Stop arguing with them over this. Give them a date you’re moving and stick with it. Let them figure out moms care, I’m sure they have transportation, a phone and the internet so tell them to get to it because you’re done.
Good luck and remember you first!
You have responsibilities to maintain your won health. Asking somebody to "give up" their immediate family is harsh.
Talk to your Mom's doctor or local hospital for advice on options. They will probably give you a list of local agencies, churches... that provide services.
Make a list of what kinds of help your mother needs - be detailed. Sometimes keeping a log for a week of all the things you do for her helps.
If mom can't live alone and nobody else lives nearby to provide this care, then the time has come to talk about other living arrangements: live-in caregiver (expensive), round the clock rotating health care aides (expensive), move in with family, adult day programs and sitters in the evenings, assisted living/residential facility (can be expensive)…
Do your research and ask family to help with this. Schedule a family conference to line out options and give everybody a chance to explain how he/she will help. Make ground rules that no one can tell another what he/she is supposed to do. If you are at an impasse, consider having a family counsellor mediate the meeting.
Question: Who has the power of attorney? If it's hard to get agreement then this person makes decisions.
If there is no doubt that your sisters are truly being mean and vindictive, BLOCK THEM. You don’t have to accept what they’re saying. You don’t have to listen to them act like adolescents. If you have POA or can convince your mom to go to an assisted living facility, please do so. There are places that are really quite nice.
And PLEASE take care of YOURSELF. You deserve it.
I hope it helps you to understand that in making this decision, you have removed the "emotional comfort zone" your in-home care of your mother provided family members, who are unable (for whatever reason) to be more involved in your mom's care. They are merely projecting their own guilt and fear onto you, rather than acknowledge their own inability to take over. I do not judge them--not everyone can be a caregiver. I moved my mom withAlzheimer's in with me for a year and then had to place her in a residential facility because I recognized both my physical and emotional limits in being able to care for her. It was not easy, it was painful and the guilt overwhelming. But even with that, I knew I was making the right decision for her and myself. You would think this situation would make family come together but once one person has stepped up and relieved others from their discomfort, they don't appreciate it when your decision forces them to face the reality of the situation. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. Just look for support elsewhere. I talked to supportive friends, and joined a support group. I would like to say that once your family sees your mom is being well taken care of, they will feel alright about your decision, but I can't guarantee that. Caregiving can be a lonely road but there is support out there. It just doesn't always come from the people you've known all your life.
God Bless!
The other support I got was from COA -- Council on Aging -- and a great gerontologist and his social worker. They know how to advise you and can help you find placement for your mother. An elder attorney is also a great idea -- either back home, if you can relocate mom, or where she is now.
Because you need a plan for your mother; please don't just walk away, although you may need to continue to tell your horrible sisters you are going to. What can you stand? What do you need? Do you need money? Does your mother? Do you need respite? What can you demand? What is reasonable and compassionate for you AND your mom? And, for those HSs. Think carefully, come up with a plan that extricates you, and follow it!
I have a mantra, well several of them, actually, but I often tell myself to Be Brave and Be Kind. Oh, and then there's "Make a Plan."
2 - tell them that the only person who can criticize you is the one who has done 6 months or more of care for your mom otherwise they need to shut their yappers
3 - your sisters are the ones who are being selfish not you - you have done your time in the trenches so it is time for someone else to step up to the plate
4 - your widowhood doesn't come into it because they think you are 'free to help' rather you have more personal trials than they have to deal with - gone is the time when a single woman was fodder for the family to throw all the crappy jobs at
5 - you deserve to see your kids & grandkids just like your sisters do & I'll bet all you have seen them in 8 months is some pix
6 - do not ask permission from them because that means that they have the upper hand rather call & book your flight then inform them the date you are leaving so that THEY can make appropriate arrangement & then do it - I'd give them at least a week but no more than 2 weeks - write out an information booklet on the 'CARE & FEEDING OF MOM' for them to use
7 - don't be surprized if your mom is either moved close to one of them and/or goes into a home within a short while - congrats for being the first sister to step up & help your mom now is the time to pass the batton to another sister
When you get a guilt trip message, flip it back using their own words. Call a family meeting on the best way to get her closer to everyone so that everyone can help. If everyone spread out to far, then get her moved closer to your own family and tell them in order to keep her in your home you need commitment of $ to pay for in home care X days of the week (if it's not possible with her income). If she has income to pay for care, use it several times a week to help yourself.
You do not say where your sisters live, what your moms situation and needs are, or who has POA, but generally speaking, you can place your mom in a senior living facility in Phoenix, or you could move her to one near St. Louis. It is not fair for you to take on this burden by yourself, but if your sisters won't help, then you have to deal with that reality. If you want to go home. then perhaps the best thing is to move your mom. When my parents could no longer take care of themselves at home, I told them that I would find them a place near me (coincidentally, it was Phoenix). But when I relocated to Tucson, and got a call at 2 am to come pick my mom up from the hospital, I told them they would have to move closer to me if they wanted my help. They did not having to move to AZ from San Diego, but the reality was if they wanted my help. That was what they had to do.
I suggest you check out senior facilities in St Louis before moving your mom, and have everything in place for her when she arrives.
You have to know when to disengage, it is no abandonment, find a safe place for her and stay in close touch as her advocate.
It’s too bad the elderly don’t plan for their senior years, it should be done long before with all members of family present.
Our homes , and life style are not what they were 50 years ago, most are couples who both work, homes are smaller, some still have teenagers at home that require supervision and direction.
Mom and Dad give your children a break, make your arrangements before the situation arrives.
This! Absolutely!