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Who are you caring for?
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How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
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I think your username says it all: it's up to you how long you stay during a visit with your mom. You get to make those decisions, as an adult in charge of your life, and after moving to your mother's city to help care for her. At 92 years old and living independently, with all of her health issues at play, I'd look into getting her paid caregivers to come into her home to help her daily for 4 hours at least. She pays for those caregivers, of course, not you. Then you'll know she's got that help in place for those hours which frees you up, mentally and physically, and you can go over for a short visit at a later time.
How can anybody outside your family circle *possibly* know what her expectations are, what your feelings about visiting her are, what practical routines she might need help with, or why in heaven's name you moved so close to her in the first place if you knew you didn't want to encounter this kind of daily obligation..?
We really need more information, such as how does your Mom keep busy during the day? Is she totally on her own the whole time? Does she get phone calls from friends and relatives? Or does she stay alone in the house with you as her own source of conversation?
Your Mom may still see you as 25 or 30 years old instead of being near or is a senior yourself. Thus, in her mind you can able to do things for her but in reality that ship had sailed. I know my folks were confused when I told them I don't do ladders any more.
When my Dad moved to senior living, I use to visit every day for an hour or so after I got off from work. Then I had to cut back as I was getting behind on taking care of my own home. Then I did every other day for an hour. Eventually it was down to once a week when I brought Dad supplies. Dad had his own caregiver who kept him company in the mornings, and Dad was around people from his own generation. He was quite happy with the arrangement.
"Are you actually seeking permission to stay away?" I am with CM, it sounds like maybe u and Mom may not get along hence that is why ur living in your own place.
Is her cancer terminal? Are you going to be expected to give care?
If its just a daily visit, go with the flow. You don't have to spend hours with her. Since at one point she didn't see you at all, she may be happy with an hour or two a day. Me, I am a talker but not an entertainer. I do not do puzzles or games and will not do them to make someone happy. I will play bingo and rummy but not for hours. Me, I do like to clean up. What they call light housekeeping. So I clean up while I talk.
You may find Mom needs a deep cleaning of her place. Take a room at a time per day. I would start with the bathroom. Maybe those tub curtains can do with a good wash. Everything scrubbed down. Kitchen may need a good cleaning. Bedrooms and living areas not so much. I would do a good clean and after that its just maintaining. You can keep yourself busy and talk to Mom. I did this for a disabled friend why she was in Rehab. Then I bought her Swifter dusters and dry mop for quick jobs.
Your question does kind of insinuate that Mom maybe a problem. If so, now is the time to set Boundries for you. If the visit is going well, then stay a couple of hours. Make her a nice lunch or bring take out. If she is a napper, thats when u leave. If the visit is not going so well, cut it short. And tell her why. If she is abusive say "Mom I will not tolerate you hollering at me, demeaning me, abusing me (whichever it is) so I will be leaving now. Will stop by tomorrow." And walk out. At 92 she needs you more than you need her. She needs to be aware of that. If you find visiting every day is just too much, cut back. For me mornings are not good. If I have nowhere I need to be, I don't get going till noon. So for me, my Mom won't see me till afternoon. And my family and friends are very aware of my habit. No calls before 9 am unless an emergency. What I am trying to say is my Mom went by my schedule, I didn't go by hers. If she is used to morning appts but you prefer afternoons, then she will need to do afternoons. There are exceptions, of course, and compromises but it does not need to always be her way. Which some elderly think it should be, they are entitled.
So, the time you visit all depends on how the visit goes. You were smart not to move in together. We all need a place to fall all to ourselves. If the phone becomes a problem, nip that in the bud.
Welcome to the group. We are full of info and experience. You have a problem...there is someone in the forum that is probably going thru the same thing you are. Vent all you want but warn us its just a vent.😏
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Good luck!
How can anybody outside your family circle *possibly* know what her expectations are, what your feelings about visiting her are, what practical routines she might need help with, or why in heaven's name you moved so close to her in the first place if you knew you didn't want to encounter this kind of daily obligation..?
Are you actually seeking permission to stay away?
We really need more information, such as how does your Mom keep busy during the day? Is she totally on her own the whole time? Does she get phone calls from friends and relatives? Or does she stay alone in the house with you as her own source of conversation?
Your Mom may still see you as 25 or 30 years old instead of being near or is a senior yourself. Thus, in her mind you can able to do things for her but in reality that ship had sailed. I know my folks were confused when I told them I don't do ladders any more.
When my Dad moved to senior living, I use to visit every day for an hour or so after I got off from work. Then I had to cut back as I was getting behind on taking care of my own home. Then I did every other day for an hour. Eventually it was down to once a week when I brought Dad supplies. Dad had his own caregiver who kept him company in the mornings, and Dad was around people from his own generation. He was quite happy with the arrangement.
Is her cancer terminal? Are you going to be expected to give care?
If its just a daily visit, go with the flow. You don't have to spend hours with her. Since at one point she didn't see you at all, she may be happy with an hour or two a day. Me, I am a talker but not an entertainer. I do not do puzzles or games and will not do them to make someone happy. I will play bingo and rummy but not for hours. Me, I do like to clean up. What they call light housekeeping. So I clean up while I talk.
You may find Mom needs a deep cleaning of her place. Take a room at a time per day. I would start with the bathroom. Maybe those tub curtains can do with a good wash. Everything scrubbed down. Kitchen may need a good cleaning. Bedrooms and living areas not so much. I would do a good clean and after that its just maintaining. You can keep yourself busy and talk to Mom. I did this for a disabled friend why she was in Rehab. Then I bought her Swifter dusters and dry mop for quick jobs.
Your question does kind of insinuate that Mom maybe a problem. If so, now is the time to set Boundries for you. If the visit is going well, then stay a couple of hours. Make her a nice lunch or bring take out. If she is a napper, thats when u leave. If the visit is not going so well, cut it short. And tell her why. If she is abusive say "Mom I will not tolerate you hollering at me, demeaning me, abusing me (whichever it is) so I will be leaving now. Will stop by tomorrow." And walk out. At 92 she needs you more than you need her. She needs to be aware of that. If you find visiting every day is just too much, cut back. For me mornings are not good. If I have nowhere I need to be, I don't get going till noon. So for me, my Mom won't see me till afternoon. And my family and friends are very aware of my habit. No calls before 9 am unless an emergency.
What I am trying to say is my Mom went by my schedule, I didn't go by hers. If she is used to morning appts but you prefer afternoons, then she will need to do afternoons. There are exceptions, of course, and compromises but it does not need to always be her way. Which some elderly think it should be, they are entitled.
So, the time you visit all depends on how the visit goes. You were smart not to move in together. We all need a place to fall all to ourselves. If the phone becomes a problem, nip that in the bud.
Welcome to the group. We are full of info and experience. You have a problem...there is someone in the forum that is probably going thru the same thing you are. Vent all you want but warn us its just a vent.😏