He had a seizure in June and has deteriorated…not incontinent but struggling in different areas. It’s 2 1/2 hours away. This is the lowest point in my life coupled with the hardest decision. I miss my best friend and have bouts of crying hoping I’ve made a good choice. Keep praying for a miracle.
You have done a loving thing. I hope you can see that, but the separation must be so hard.
There are many spouses over at the Alzheimer's org. that have had to do this--some have done so quite recently, some are getting ready to take this tremendous step. They would surely be happy to support you in addition to the kind folks here.
https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=topics&f=2147485438
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
Consider that now he will get care and supervision by staff who are not exhausted by being on duty 24/7. He will have access to on-site medical care, administration of medications, prepared meals, etc. And most important of all is the socialization of other people, not just you. Plus planned activities to engage his mind and body.
Best of all will be that you can now visit him and be there for him, not tired and worn out with caring for him. Have you considered what would happen to your husband if you became ill? Your first role here is to make sure you are in good mental and physical health, then you will be better prepared to oversee your husbands care.
I would suggest you see an elder lawyer concerning your finances. Medicaid allows you to to split your assets. Your husbands split would be spent down and then Medicaid applied for. Medicaid does not pay for Memory care usually only a LTC facility. By the time that happens, your husband may be passed what MC is capable of anyway. Once on Medicaid you become the Community Spouse. You remain in the home, get one car and get part or all of the SS and/or pension u bring in together to live on.
You need to protect ur future.
What makes this difficult is that they look like the person you love, but the DONT ACT LIKE IT. That is because their mind is deteriorated. I, and the people on this board know how difficult this decision is. You are scared for them and you are scared for your finances. You will always question your decision, right up to the day they pass away. But yes, you are doing the right thing.
I am glad you have made a decision for your husband to get quality care. I am sorry that his MC is farther away than you would like. Sending air hugs and prayers that you will find friends nearby to love you through this.
Finding a support group really helps, and supportive friends and family is a must. It'll get easier with time, I promise❤
I wouldn't put my worst enemy in a Nursing Home.
They are horrible!
They are all understaffed!
Your husband will be totally miserable, sad, with feelings of being dumped, unloved and scared being in a strange cold place . Please Pray about this and try to work it out where he can live and die peacefully in his own home.
If he's been in the Service, you can qualify for up to 30 Caregiver hrs.
You could ask for Home Health where you can get an Aide to help with bathing and a Nurse to come by to check him.
All Nursing Homes are Businesses and they tell you what you want to hear but 1st hand experience, they are definitely not what they present.
Prayers
And Pat1124 is not talking about a Nursing Home but Memory Care. Totally different than a SNF.
When someone reaches the point where they have to consider Memory Care it is usually based on a a very long hard thought out decision. Most likely based on SAFETY either safety of the person that is being cared for or the one giving the care.
That safety could be Physical, Mental, Emotional for either. Or for the rest of the family.
Please do not add any more "guilt" to what is a very tough decision to begin with.
If you have valid information about a particular place report it. But please do not paint with broad brush strokes every SNF, MC or AL.
getting down off my soapbox now....
They only post to make people feel guilty and hurt them.
You are making the right decision…If you can no longer care for your husband, the only choice is a care center. If the closest/most cost effective is 2 1/2 hrs away, so be it.
Do you have a support system in place…friends, family, online, phone…anything and everything so you can vent and not feel so alone? Listening to others share their stories. Offering others empathy, sympathy and whatever help you can will also help you during this time. Crying is fine. Cry till you have nothing left. Who wouldn’t? But after you’re done crying, stay occupied.
Make plans for your future. I don’t mean to sound trite, but stay busy, don’t just sit and dwell. Yes, you will cry off and on. Probably for some time.
Go out with friends or stay in and deep clean, reorganize. Not sure how fit you are…exercise, walk, heck repaint a room. I know you think hearing BS like this is so not helpful, but really, find something you enjoy to do, it will help. Have people over to keep you company during this transition. Do you work? Maybe consider a part time job or volunteer work after you get your husband settled. I imagine getting your husband situated will take some time. When you drive to see him, listen to music, podcasts or audiobooks you enjoy. Stop and have a bite to eat at someplace you like. I know…eating alone sucks, find whatever small positive you can, pick a restaurant you want, take as long or as little time as you want, eat dessert first if you want. All these things are small and silly, yet it’s all these little things that add up. Or maybe friends or family can join you sometime for the ride.
The first few visits (esp the goodbyes) will be tough. Take some time before you get back on the road to cry. Stay safe.
You are making the right choice, please know that. Your best friend needs proper care. Stay strong, you are not alone. People have to make these difficult decisions all the time. If others can get through it, so can you. I wish I knew how to make it easier, but there just isn’t any easy way.
If your husband could advise you, what would he say? Lay down and cry until you die or do the best you can to make your life happy?
This period is a rough one for sure. Do the best you can. You aren’t alone.
they are no help and he will fight the decision. He relies faithfully on our dog, Puddles to be with him. I get about 4 hrs a week away and I just pray God gives me the strength and has this under control. I pray for everyone going through this nightmare.
praying that you experience God's strength, comfort, and peace; and that your husband receives total healing.
In Jesus Name,
Amen
The MC is near a town we lived prior to retirement and area that I would return to in the future. My daughter and brother are about 30 minutes away and we have friends living close by. The facilities closest to us are like glorified spa retreats with theaters and happy hours since they are AL/MC which needless to say he wouldn’t be taking advantage even though they said some MC do. The cost is reflective of that. The MC is still expensive but appears that the staff is well versed in the best practices in dementia care and do not dismiss residents if behaviors arise. This place provides the furniture if you prefer, new mattress and bedding etc. They will even decorate the room themed to your LO interests which leaves you to bring personal touches, clothes and whatever items are necessary for his transition.
I do believe I've tried my best. He goes to a top neurologist at University of Penn, we do weekly acupuncture/cupping sessions, he uses a photobiomodulation device, relaxation techniques and other ways to help him maintain his cognitive abilities He was keeping fairly even until the seizure. He had been going to adult daycare( after seizure) who loved him and was wonderful but he’s a walker and pushed someone in his way. They said it wasn’t aggressive but naturally he couldn’t continue.
We’ve been together 46 years, have a loving marriage, traveled extensively, shared the same career in education, and a fondness for history and artifacts.
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Fortunately, I have made many friends down here and have a lot of different interests that I pursue. In my heart, I know he would want me to do the things I love and what we shared together.
Through Penn, they have a grief yoga that I plan to participate on through zoom and may look into a therapist to work through these feelings. We had contacted a elder lawyer about 2 years ago so POA and Advance directives etc are all in order
As so many of you elegantly mentioned, it’s getting my head and heart in sync…..giving myself time to mourn…learning to live the new normal and finally, hopefully emerging a stronger person in the process. Thanks for reminding me that I can do this!
I would love to look into creating a nonprofit to assist people who don’t qualify for Medicaid to defray some of the cost of care at home or a facility, or to help pay for supplies Depends, ensure etc. This is not in my wheelhouse but we will see.
As to your nonprofit, there are resources out there it is a matter of finding them. Once found the difficulty is getting people to 1) Ask for help and 2) Accept help.
A weird side story that some may look at askance at. My daughter consulted a psychic on zoom. Before they began, the woman said there was a strong presence that wanted to speak, a man in his late 60’s who said he’s your father. My daughter said my father is alive. She said he wanted to say how proud he was that you are a school psychologist and how he loved to watch you play soccer in high school. She related other things ..trips we took etc. He said I know everyone loves me and has done their best. He then said that he knew the time would come that he would need to go to a facility and he was alright with it. The psychic said it only happened once before with another dementia person. She said they are caught between two world. Believe or not, it gives me solace
I hope you can find a support group either for grief or dementia. Sharing your story and listening to others will help ameliorate the inevitable feeling of loneliness.
If you have found a good place, go for it, regardless of the distance away. You'll be glad you did. The tears will come, but it is because you are working through the stages of grief. I'm praying that God will be with you and give you comfort and wisdom.
I understand how terrible and lonely it must be for you, but your life isn't over. Your husband will still be part of your life but in a different way now.
Joining a support group might be a great help to you. If there are none meeting in person in your area, even an online one can help.
This is a good group of people here too.