I've been taking care of my husband since December/2019. I know I need a break, but I can't help but feel guilty. Did I do the right thing? It was unsettling to just drop him off at the front entrance and not even able to accomodate him to his room because of COVID restrictions. I got highly emotional and broke down in the parking lot. He will be there for 5 nights without any visitations whatsoever from family or friends.
I realize that I know I'm not the only one who has gone through this.
It’s sad that facilitates are shorthanded. When my mom was in rehab after a fall there were issues. Some issues are caused by not having enough employees. They work double shifts all the time! They work very hard. It’s a tough job!
I did the same as you. I reported it. First I called the pharmacy that we use because it involved meds.
The nurse over medicated mom. She didn’t want to go back to mom’s room later so she decided to give mom a double dose of her Parkinson’s meds.
So when I called the pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist she was the one who told me that I had an obligation to report it because she said that she was most likely doing it to other residents too.
I asked if a double dose would hurt mom. She said, “Probably not if it only happened once but it would be a problem on a continuing basis.”
My mom is sharp! No dementia, so immediately mom told the nurse that she only took one pill. The nurse’s response floored me! She told mom, “It won’t hurt you and I don’t want to make another trip back later.” Mom is of that era that nurses and doctors know best so she took it but was uncomfortable doing so and told me about it as soon as I went to see her the next day.
It is true that we have to check up on family members in a nursing home. I went just about everyday. I did not report minor things but things like meds are important. You bet I reported it!
As a respite situation you can’t be there and you were only gone for five days. Mom was there a longer period of time for rehab.
I was pleased in how the director of nursing and the social worker handled mom’s issues with the staff. Mom did not have the issue occur again. The nurse did admit it. She was written up. I did not want her to lose her job.
Yes, laundry get screwed up. I did my mom’s laundry because she is particular about her clothes and didn’t want them to get lost.
Even with signs that I was doing her laundry they took her clothes to launder and lost some of them. I went to the wash area myself and found the blouses.
They shared a bathroom with other residents and the aide told her to use the same cup to rinse her mouth with after brushing her teeth. Yuck! That is just gross. I brought mom a stack of cups.
The meds issue is what I was very displeased with because that was potentially dangerous.
The end of life facility that my brother was in for hospice was completely different. They were wonderful in every aspect. We were there everyday. That makes a huge difference!
I don’t think people should feel guilty if they don’t wish to be there daily though. Some people can’t do it.
Are facilities perfect? No. Are some very bad? Yes. One that my dad was in for rehab was actually shut down by the state! They were horrible. I hated that place.
The place my godmother was in was pretty bad too. Lots of theft. She had Alzheimers plus macular degeneration and went blind. She would be dressed in rags that were too large for her because her beautiful clothes which were labeled with her name were stolen. She was covered in bruises because she was blind with dementia and was scared and would fight them. They would fight her back. So sad.
We don’t have high ratings here in Louisiana for homes. Still, some are good, at least decent and others are so bad they get shut down by the state.
Look at all your options when selecting a place. Talk to others who have used that facility. That’s about all you can do because you need a break occasionally. It’s important that you don’t burn out.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Do you want to bring him home? Do you want to leave him where he is? That would be ok, and I know I would just feel like running away. There is nothing harder than making the best decision for you when you have the dedication that you obviously do, then add to it the guilt.
If you are dreading bringing him home, DON'T. He will be ok with the pros caring for him, and you would be able to visit as you want to. A completely different dynamic.
Enjoy your time away. You know he is safe and fed and cared for. Those are the important things. So tuck it away and go relax and recharge, because your normal life will begin again far too soon.
If you are a spiritual person.... put this in a higher power's hands and take the respite with grace and try to relax just for a moment. What will happen will happen, good or bad, wanted or unwanted. You have not abandoned him. Be at peace.
I totally understand how you feel, but you also need to take care of yourself!
I left my mom with my son and a friend studying to become a caregiver or a nurse... But I was calling home 3 times a day to know if they were ok. I think that a facility would make me feel more secure.
Believe me, It's OK. I know how you feel when my husband was in rehab for longer than 5 nights. Later I realized it was fine, he got help, I got a break. Try to Enjoy yourself for the time off!! :)
Your loved one can catch any kind of diseases in the facility and sometimes transmitted by the care workers or other visitors. Sometimes the change of environment can cause delirium, and they never do recover from that. Workers can be walking around with a cold which may be mild for them but can turn into pneumonia for your loved one if they catch it.
Just realize there ARE RISKS putting your loved one in respite care.
My mom suffered Alzheimer's disease for 15 years and was on Hospice for two years. While they kept on pushing for "respite care" I told them NO because I do NOT trust any kind of institionalized care. I DID get sitters like my best friend so I can put a day of work in a week--someone I really trust, and both my and my mom thrived. Mom died age 90 and ended up with the most severe form of Alzheimer's you can imagine she no longer responded to the environment, and with a feeding tube to keep her needs met so she did not have to die of dehydration. Her body actually got strong...but she died of OTHER natural causes. Same would have happened even without Alzheimer's disease. She was insulin-dependent diabetic for decades and had ongoing kidney disease due to metabolic syndrome, but mom made it to age 90, and her skin was in perfect condition. She never needed a single drop of narcotic or psychotropic..hospice nurse came daily when she was actively dying and we never had to break open the "comfort pack" or emergency kit. Not once. She was very comfortable. Except when I had to turn and clean her...other than that she was as peaceful as she could be. I walked mom a quarter of a mile every single day for 5 years...she was only bed ridden for 2-1/2 months she could no longer focus on the task of standing...but still she was very comfortable. She was happy and comfortable. That's all that mattered. My mom was the center of my life for many years, so I did not care what I had to do to make mom comfortable--I gladly did it to help her. When she died, I felt really lost because I could not think outside the box of caring for mom. It was quite an adjustment...STILL adjusting after nearly a year, but I'm working my job, also working toward my Master's degree..just chugging right along living life. Keeping busy, living life. Because mom would want me to do that, and my 3 cats depend on me. They are my family now.
Working with my best friend I never needed respite care.
I was a basket case.
I worried that he would be so used to institutional living that I might not be able to bring him home.
I was worried that if something did happen I was a half a world away and I would not get to him in time.
I was worried that he would forget who I was (I was not sure if he knew who I was anyway)
I was worried that I did not really know who I was without someone to care for, could I have fun, could I enjoy myself and not feel guilty that I was doing this without him. (even before he had dementia he would have hated this trip, he would have gone for me but he would not have enjoyed it)
I had no need to worry.
He came home, walked in and went and sat in his recliner like he always did.
Nothing major happened.
I did have a good time.
I came home more relaxed. We both fell into the same routine.
By the way I was gone for almost 3 weeks...your 5 nights will pass quickly, more quickly than you can imagine.
Enjoy your time away. No one can be "on the job" 24/7. You need this break.
I understand you need you time and need a break.
It would be Safer, to hire a Caregiver to come to your home from 2 hrs to 24 hrs.
You should ask for help from family and friends. to see if they could each give you a few hours break every day.
Prayers
Can I suggest that you take this time to get rested and do some things that help you feel fulfilled and good. Then when you bring him home, find a housekeeper that can do the house 2x a month and find a companion sitter to come in every other week for as many hours as you can afford or whatever is free from local services and do some things for you.
Being the best you takes effort, you must create chances to enrich you so you can be the best caregiver possible.
Great big warm hug!🤗
Just look at it on the bright side. At least your husband does not have to stay at the facility all the time. Feel relieved knowing he is coming back home.
Just breathe.
Bless your heart.
member is not the same as working a shift and going home for the night or weekend. You need this break.
Try to let go of any guilt. You need rest, a break and guilt can interfere with relaxation.
Take care.
You also should consider that you're doing perhaps the best thing you can to ensure that you're still able to care for him, by taking time for yourself.
I understand becoming emotional; I don't know of anyone who wouldn't under the circumstances. It's a reflection of how much you care.
I'm assuming that he has access to a phone, and you can call him periodically?
After you go pick him up from respite, make reservations for his next stay so you'll have something to look forward to.