So, may be taking this in an a WAY different direction than what this website is about. Been reading it for the longest, responded a time or two. Anyway, I just lost a long term relationship after my mother got Alzheimer's. Thought I was doing the right thing by putting her first. But now I'm not sure I did the right thing. Her twin sister had it before her, and her daughter took care of her, and the things she said about that. I know she would have never wanted this to happen for me. But when it happened to her I got so caught up in her and her care and taking care of her. Trying to maintain two careers and her too. By the time I realized I was losing almost everything, (I actually took her to work with me at times, which risked my career), I took the necessary steps to have her safe and healthy by other caregivers. I just so regret not doing this earlier, before it got to this point and I lost so much. She's the sweetest person ever and loved (loves) her family so much. My significant other left me, via text, after 13 years, my mother fell the next morning, naked, but I got her up, and her twin died three days later. I had turned into a mess. Health problems, etc. I could go on and on. But I'll spare you that. Just looking for advice.
Years ago during a time when my brother and his wife were having significant problems, my nephews spent the weekends at my home - out of the line of fire. A couple of boyfriends told me they didn't like not seeing me alone on the weekend or being restricted to family friendly venues. I told them we were "friends" and those kids were "family". If somewhere down the line BF started moving toward being "family" then things could change but "family" will always come first. A couple of BFs moved on, but one told me he hadn't thought about it that way before and I was right.
SOs are not family even if they hang around for 13 years. In my old fashion view maybe especially if they hang around for 13 years without the commitment of marriage.
But how do you give up on someone who is so devoted...how do you know if it’s an unhealthy, boundary-less attachment? Sometimes it is, as boundaries in other areas of his life are not well defined either. However, he is not entirely unaware...he is wracked with his own confusing feelings of obligation, love, denial...he has unhealthy anger outbursts too. There is no plan to put her in a home, ever. He is not interested in counseling or medication for what I believe is anxiety/depression. However, he will go to a support group with me.
He can understand my feelings, but made this commmitment long ago. We are past child bearing age and do not live together. We are working on getting her some support so he is not the sole entertainer. He is willing to go out alone, or come to my house. However, disillusionment and distance has occurred between us over the years. Some might describe me as selfish...but am I really? Do I have to be defined as either selfish or stupid (i.e. “run!”)? I believe there are a lot more in betweeners out there.
Having said all that, 13 years is a long time and a text message extremely minimizes the relationship. My guess is that communication has always been difficult for him. But I will also guess he went through some gut wrenching ambivalence and soul searching before he pressed “send”.
See All Answers