So, may be taking this in an a WAY different direction than what this website is about. Been reading it for the longest, responded a time or two. Anyway, I just lost a long term relationship after my mother got Alzheimer's. Thought I was doing the right thing by putting her first. But now I'm not sure I did the right thing. Her twin sister had it before her, and her daughter took care of her, and the things she said about that. I know she would have never wanted this to happen for me. But when it happened to her I got so caught up in her and her care and taking care of her. Trying to maintain two careers and her too. By the time I realized I was losing almost everything, (I actually took her to work with me at times, which risked my career), I took the necessary steps to have her safe and healthy by other caregivers. I just so regret not doing this earlier, before it got to this point and I lost so much. She's the sweetest person ever and loved (loves) her family so much. My significant other left me, via text, after 13 years, my mother fell the next morning, naked, but I got her up, and her twin died three days later. I had turned into a mess. Health problems, etc. I could go on and on. But I'll spare you that. Just looking for advice.
Do you want your SO back?
Are you wondering how to move on without your SO?
Or are you just trying to get your life back together?
Prehaps the real question is, did you make a mistake taking care of your mom? No, you didn't! You did what you felt was right. That is what matters!
Did your SO tell you why she left?
If this person is so lovily than why did she leave? I understand that as caregivers we can become comsumed with making sure our LO are taking care of that we forget to take care of ourselves, little long are partner. But your SO should have been understanding as well.
And to tell you the truth, it is pretty crapy to leave you when so much was going on! Plus, how sweet is it to leave someone after 13 yrs by a text?
You deserve better than that! A text, REALLY??
If you can take some time for yourself, prehaps try to right down how you feel and what you want. Just an idea!
Maybe she did you a favour by leaving, and you just don't know it yet!
May God comfort and guide you through this hard time in your life. May He give you strength and courage to keep moving forward in the name of Jesus'. Amen
Your S O sounds very selfish. People who run the other way when you most need them are showing you who they are. Believe them. Now you run away if she comes back with her tail between her legs.
Getting your life back will take time. Start slow. I'd suggest decompressing for a while. Then take baby steps. What those baby steps will be for you is up to you but if you had the strength to take care of your Mom you are strong and you will figure it out. Good Luck to you and Hugs!
YOU did, and are doing, THE RIGHT THING.
And, you do now have more support in place with the caregiving? So there'll be a better balance to your life in general?
Not saying anything about Poorme Peter. Only - for years I kept a strip cartoon of two Romans talking about a glamorous lady they'd just walked past.
Roman 1 - That's Cassius's wife. She's shed two hundred pounds of unsightly fat!
Roman 2 - How, a crash diet?
Roman 1 - No. She left Cassius.
You take care & find the right solution for you & mom.
Hugs 🤗
It may not have been your intention or choice to break up, and certainly not in the way it happened. But is it possible that your exSO kind of felt that you had already left him?
Fact is, he wasn't up to scratch. I too commend your fairness towards him, and your philosophical gratitude for the good times, but I think and hope you'll eventually feel you haven't lost anything you can't do very well without.
It's not only a betrayal to you but the betrayal of your sweet Mom that cuts the deepest.
Stay strong girlfriend....you are on the right path to healing.
But how do you give up on someone who is so devoted...how do you know if it’s an unhealthy, boundary-less attachment? Sometimes it is, as boundaries in other areas of his life are not well defined either. However, he is not entirely unaware...he is wracked with his own confusing feelings of obligation, love, denial...he has unhealthy anger outbursts too. There is no plan to put her in a home, ever. He is not interested in counseling or medication for what I believe is anxiety/depression. However, he will go to a support group with me.
He can understand my feelings, but made this commmitment long ago. We are past child bearing age and do not live together. We are working on getting her some support so he is not the sole entertainer. He is willing to go out alone, or come to my house. However, disillusionment and distance has occurred between us over the years. Some might describe me as selfish...but am I really? Do I have to be defined as either selfish or stupid (i.e. “run!”)? I believe there are a lot more in betweeners out there.
Having said all that, 13 years is a long time and a text message extremely minimizes the relationship. My guess is that communication has always been difficult for him. But I will also guess he went through some gut wrenching ambivalence and soul searching before he pressed “send”.
It sounds like your caregiving is all consuming and perhaps even made you disrespect or not be careful of your boundaries. Or perhaps you don’t have what are called healthy boundaries. Risking your career like that would be one of them. You can’t properly take care of others if you also don’t respect care for yourself and your other important relationships. You read about it on here all the time of caregiver's family and spouse relationships suffering. To get past this and to see how you can have good boundaries I would suggest a few counseling sessions with a good therapist. Is that possible? And getting good help for your mom to ease some of your duties so you can also take care of yourself. You don’t want to lose your health...both mental and physical.
Your boyfriend did you a favor by bowing out although I’m not sure it feels this way now. I once lost a man over a health issue I have and I was so devastated I cried for weeks and needed counseling. But now I see it as a blessing. I met and married my husband who was wonderful when I told him. So my best and let us now how things go in the future as a check in.
when she got feisty and needy always bullying the SO left town to return to
his family, I think he was advised by his Doctor as he was old...and the needy
aunt would give him a heart attack....unfortunately then Aunts kids started Guiltripping me next door after two deaths, in my family in six mos. Dad and Brother Caretaker...………………..people are very strange...I refused to get involved as I was a new arrival on the scene...and this aunt had bullied,acted out,guilttripped as a matter of day to day with many people..
I said I did not want to be responsible if Aunt wanted to drink,act out..etc.
subsequently her daughter almost killed her by giving wrong medication
as she worked and was and is nervous or resentful...also she wanted her own life...……...you will be happy some day for caring for your Mom and
peaceful....someone will appear...people show their true colors in a crisis
did he take you out for dinner...did he pay?...what was the real depth of the relationship?
Look I'm about to be married and he's been HELPING me take care of my mom. That's what you want. someone who actually cares about you. My mum always comes first. she's totally dependent on my care so she can't help the way she is and never asked for Alzheimer's disease. He knows that..
I'm dealing with both of my 87/84 yo parents, my mother with dementia is 'beyond' being able to think of what it's like for us kids or Dad... but Dad lamented that I would stay with them for a week or more at a time helping at various stages, getting HH care working smoothly, prepping for a move to AL, etc. I just assured him that I was honored to repay the favor of all the sacrifice they made for us kids, and that yes... there were hardships associated with it but he had to trust me and my husband to work that out. There would be (are) times where I would chose my husband or kids over my parents and vice versa. To MINIMIZE those times I have to make the difficult choice, I sought out and used all the help I could find!! And again, what if we run ourselves into the ground, then what??
You have to put your own needs high enough on the list to stay functional.
"Tend to your own oxygen mask before assisting others".
Keep giving this advice, we ALL need to hear it.
Sounds like he probably added to the stress rather than supported you. When you're in a place to devote to your relationship you'll find the right person.
Years ago during a time when my brother and his wife were having significant problems, my nephews spent the weekends at my home - out of the line of fire. A couple of boyfriends told me they didn't like not seeing me alone on the weekend or being restricted to family friendly venues. I told them we were "friends" and those kids were "family". If somewhere down the line BF started moving toward being "family" then things could change but "family" will always come first. A couple of BFs moved on, but one told me he hadn't thought about it that way before and I was right.
SOs are not family even if they hang around for 13 years. In my old fashion view maybe especially if they hang around for 13 years without the commitment of marriage.
Let me start by sharing how impressed I am with how involved you are with the care and safety needs of your mother. Caregiving is an extremely stressful and exhausting job, not because caring for your mom is so traumatic. It is the heightened sense of urgency 24 hours per day with very little support from others. You rose to the challenge and have my respect!
There are so many things I want to discuss with you.
Laura
PS - I hope you do make room in your heart and mind to talk to Jesus. He is your Creator, the very source of Love and Peace - the best resource anyone, anywhere can offer you. He has been there for me "in the mountains and valleys" of life, for sure.