So, may be taking this in an a WAY different direction than what this website is about. Been reading it for the longest, responded a time or two. Anyway, I just lost a long term relationship after my mother got Alzheimer's. Thought I was doing the right thing by putting her first. But now I'm not sure I did the right thing. Her twin sister had it before her, and her daughter took care of her, and the things she said about that. I know she would have never wanted this to happen for me. But when it happened to her I got so caught up in her and her care and taking care of her. Trying to maintain two careers and her too. By the time I realized I was losing almost everything, (I actually took her to work with me at times, which risked my career), I took the necessary steps to have her safe and healthy by other caregivers. I just so regret not doing this earlier, before it got to this point and I lost so much. She's the sweetest person ever and loved (loves) her family so much. My significant other left me, via text, after 13 years, my mother fell the next morning, naked, but I got her up, and her twin died three days later. I had turned into a mess. Health problems, etc. I could go on and on. But I'll spare you that. Just looking for advice.
needed more time with you - and then you didn't give it. It's a pretty tough call knowing you need to help your mother and the fact you need to live your life, but as caregivers what we all tend to forget is that there is help out there - there is respite care and overnight care and all sorts of other helpful ways of coping with an ill parent - you should not let it consume you.
In a difficult caring arrangement, the SO’s final text message is the equivalent of the dismissal, and unfortunately it follows the same pattern of being ‘not really out of the blue’. As the carer, how can we open our eyes to the warning signs? And how can an SO have the courage to make it crystal clear that the relationship is on the line? We need this to happen before our hearts have hardened and the end is inevitable. It would save a lot of pain.
You may not have lost a relationship by ANYthing you did. Showing love and compassion for others is actually attractive to genuine people.
It's possible your relationship was meant to end as someone more wonderful is meant to come into your life.
Google youtube Ralph Smart and watch the one you resonate to. Trust me. You will be SO uplifted. Do this for yourself! :)
I live with and take care of my 93yo mom who is just now exhibiting signs of “not so clear” mental functions and imho there is no room for a partner even if I sometimes feel quite isolated. My job is relatively easy compared to so many other caregivers on this forum.
My question is this: what would you have done differently? And how would you feel if your mom passed tomorrow in both scenarios??
My whole purpose in life for the last ten years is to “have no regrets” when my mom passes because I know I can never make up to her all the great and wonderful things she’s done for me once she’s gone.
Personally, I’m glad and prefer to be the one doing her day to day care, over family or hired help. Even though she sometimes resists me, I think that I have more compassion toward her, yet I can be more firm with her than anyone else.
How could I live with myself if I did not step up to the plate in her hour of need? And how much would my ex husband be hassling me about not putting him first? A lot, I’m certain of that.
(I wish I could keep these good thoughts at the front of my brain when I get frustrated with her and I’m going to attempt to do so AGAIN!)
You absolutely have been doing the right thing though you need to heed all the other advice to get some help in before it costs you your own health even more so her care won’t be interrupted if you have serious problems.
If you think your heart is broken now, you’re going to have a much bigger heartache when mom passes and caring for her is going to become much more intense before that happens.
It is better that what you thought was your so is not around to distract you from your main focus when it becomes really tough work.
Good luck to you or I should say “peace out” because you have got it all together and don’t need any luck.
Charlotte
I pretty much have very little social life and my family doesn't come down very often. So it's just me. The agencies are horrible and most aides can't do the job. But you were the right person to take care of her. You were chosen for that reason. If you need someone to talk to, you can contact me.
And btw if someone left you after that much time because you were taking care of your mother, you're better off without them. God gives you the people that you need. Don't worry I'm not a preacher. Every religion or evolved thinking says the same things if you look at it.
You're mother is proud of you. Start slow and get your life back. Jmo
My wife is also disabled and we have little to no "us time". It's rough on us and for a while I suspected that her mom was trying split us up. But we manage somehow and while my wife has said on several occasions that she wouldn't blame me if I just packed up and left, I'm not going anywhere. I love her too much to leave her in a mess like this. We've came to find that it works better if she deals with her mom and I do what she can't. Her mom and I used to get along pretty well, but since the dementia set in, she gets downright hateful to me.
But I'm not going anywhere. I love my wife and she needs my support more than ever to get through this. I don't understand how anyone could leave someone they say they love just because things got a little tough. That's when you really need each other.
Just a side note about assumptions. As you noted, some readers assumed you were male based on your name (and perhaps on having two careers). With the exact same name, a lot of people have assumed that I'm female. Assumption shortcuts are often erroneous.
I feel you are very lucky to be rid of someone who is so insensitive and such a coward that they would end a 13 year relationship by a text message!! This certainly isn't someone who would ever stand by you through all of the hard times that life continues to throw at us, unless of course it was happening to your SO, at which time they would probably expect for you to provide EXACTLY the dedication you are showing your mom! Good luck, and I hope you find a relationship with someone who is as caring as you!!