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I’m very sorry you’ve lost so much. I’m in no position to give advice, because I too am very similar in your ways. I’m relatively newly married and I struggle with putting my struggling family’s needs before him, mostly because he’s just such a nice person and he’s so understanding. What I can say is that the significant other that left you most likely hasn’t experienced loss or pain to the scale that you have yet. They likely don’t realize the inner struggle you went through and are going through every single day. Did they speak with you and let you know how they felt? We’re you given the chance to make changes? From reading your post, it is my opinion that anyone that would leave someone struggling such as you are and in the amount of pain you are in ...VIA TEXT....is someone that maybe is better off letting go. You don’t have to be with someone who’s suffered or is suffering to understand you, and a relationship lasting for over 13 years should have definitely have built more respect and empathy than what you’ve received. I’m very sorry for what you’re going through. I don’t think you made the wrong decision for caring for your mom!
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Love, if anyone can't respect you enough to have a one on one conversation with you about feelings and texts you. You're not wrong. They are. Life happened. You did what you felt in your heart was right. They should have supported you even if they didnt agree. I feel you. I've been here too much. If you feel you did what you could then that's it. Change is sometimes for the better. You never know what is around the next corner. Good luck. Much love. Jo
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I may get blasted for this opinion, but being the SO of a full time caregiver is extremely difficult. The parent does come first. It isn’t wrong to want to move forward in your relationship, but then you hit a brick wall because it’s not happening. You simulateously feel resentment, guilt, understanding, compassion, appreciation for your SO’s devotion and helpless/hopeless that you will ever have what you want. Letting go is not easy, so you remain in a state of ambivalence and sometimes depression until you can reconcile your feelings and determine what is best. You are a threesome, not a couple. What’s worse is that the mother needing care is lovely. I keep seeing how narcissistic and nasty the ones needing care are, but this is not my case. Still, the frustration and resentment build because she is always there. Following us, having to be part of every conversation, calling on the phone even when we’re in the house together, but not in the same room. Calling when we’re out. The house is theirs...decorating, etc. The obligation for the house is entirely his. She does dishes but that’s it. He has his own more-than-full-time business. She doesn’t drive, shop or clean. Cooks occasionally. The disease is definitely there but progressing very slowly. This will most likely go on for years.
But how do you give up on someone who is so devoted...how do you know if it’s an unhealthy, boundary-less attachment? Sometimes it is, as boundaries in other areas of his life are not well defined either. However, he is not entirely unaware...he is wracked with his own confusing feelings of obligation, love, denial...he has unhealthy anger outbursts too. There is no plan to put her in a home, ever. He is not interested in counseling or medication for what I believe is anxiety/depression. However, he will go to a support group with me.
He can understand my feelings, but made this commmitment long ago. We are past child bearing age and do not live together. We are working on getting her some support so he is not the sole entertainer. He is willing to go out alone, or come to my house. However, disillusionment and distance has occurred between us over the years. Some might describe me as selfish...but am I really? Do I have to be defined as either selfish or stupid (i.e. “run!”)? I believe there are a lot more in betweeners out there.
Having said all that, 13 years is a long time and a text message extremely minimizes the relationship. My guess is that communication has always been difficult for him. But I will also guess he went through some gut wrenching ambivalence and soul searching before he pressed “send”.
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lynnm12 Nov 2018
It's not helpful to 'blast' someone for their opinion. I agree with what you're saying actually, and don't think it was necessarily an easy decision just a difficult situation all the way around. I appreciate your perspective.
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"No contact" is the wise choice. After 13 yrs he must have known your Mom fairly well.

It's not only a betrayal to you but the betrayal of your sweet Mom that cuts the deepest.

Stay strong girlfriend....you are on the right path to healing.
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I did mean to cast you as Cassius's wife and not as Cassius!

It may not have been your intention or choice to break up, and certainly not in the way it happened. But is it possible that your exSO kind of felt that you had already left him?

Fact is, he wasn't up to scratch. I too commend your fairness towards him, and your philosophical gratitude for the good times, but I think and hope you'll eventually feel you haven't lost anything you can't do very well without.
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lynnm12 Nov 2018
I got that about the Cassius thing. The point was still well taken, I just turned it around a bit! And, yes, I also think that was the case about SO feeling 'left' already because I was so consumed with caring for my mom and all that involves, I failed to take care of anything else. Just didn't deal with the situation very well and feel so much empathy for all the people that are dealing with caring for someone. It's certainly a unique and difficult situation to be in.
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I was very impressed by your comment an hour ago: “It doesn't mean they don't care, and maybe not every one we meet has to understand everything in order to add value to our lives? And maybe us to theirs?”. It is so true, but so hard to accept. I am not sure that I could say it just after getting treated badly. Mess or not, you have your head and your heart together now, and you will survive. Very best wishes.
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lynnm12 Nov 2018
Thank you.
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WOW 😮 how horrible! But you know what, you found out he’s definitely not THE ONE for you. If he cannot be there for you in your darkest hour, you don’t want to continue that “relationship !” He is very selfish & to do this via TEXT!!!! OMG...You’re better off without him..

You take care & find the right solution for you & mom.

Hugs 🤗
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lynnm12 Nov 2018
Yep.  And we lived together for years. Moved away for career, which I encouraged. I stayed here because of my family and didn't want to leave them. This happened with my mom before the move back and didn't move back in with me when returned because my mom was here at the time. We tried to spend time together, but my mother was my obsession I think and I lost myself.  Still trying to deal with the text thing and the separation of belongings. So awkward to do things this way. Just like poof, gone. Never saw each other again. Sheesh.
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If you think losing a girlfriend is bad, imagine losing your brother and sister. I've put my life on the back burner for sorts to help care for my dad. I've had the opportunity of meeting many people, but I don't think they can relate to what pain I have had so I just smile and let them by.
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lynnm12 Nov 2018
Yes, I get that. And this may sound bold coming from me right now. I'm a bit of a mess. I felt empathy for my cousin who was caring for my aunt, but until it happened to me? I had NO idea what this is really like. But I also kinda feel like, that even tho people may not completely understand the stress, obsessing over the person, trying so hard to do right by them, giving yourself up for them, the sacrifice involved, etc. It doesn't mean they don't care, and maybe not every one we meet has to understand everything in order to add value to our lives? And maybe us to theirs? And I'm sorry for you for your struggle. It's not easy, that's for sure.
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I don't have any advice, just big hugs and fellow feeling.

And, you do now have more support in place with the caregiving? So there'll be a better balance to your life in general?

Not saying anything about Poorme Peter. Only - for years I kept a strip cartoon of two Romans talking about a glamorous lady they'd just walked past.

Roman 1 - That's Cassius's wife. She's shed two hundred pounds of unsightly fat!

Roman 2 - How, a crash diet?

Roman 1 - No. She left Cassius.
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lynnm12 Nov 2018
LOL. Got your point. Thanks for the laugh! Probably not necessary to say, but I think people are assuming I am a guy because of the spelling of my name. My Dad's idea! But, nope, I'm female Lol
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Trying to think of a kinder way to make a blunt statement, but if this person “left” (deserted?) you based on the issues with your dependent LO, you may have dodged a bullet, or at the very least, you became the recipient of a degree of honesty that might or otherwise been extended.

YOU did, and are doing, THE RIGHT THING.
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It's hard to give advice to you without sounding pollyannish and trite. But I think any time you sacrifice to help someone you love you've done the right thing. God's work. Forgive me for saying that since you are not into the God thing. But that is what you did by helping your Mom.

Your S O sounds very selfish. People who run the other way when you most need them are showing you who they are. Believe them. Now you run away if she comes back with her tail between her legs.

Getting your life back will take time. Start slow. I'd suggest decompressing for a while. Then take baby steps. What those baby steps will be for you is up to you but if you had the strength to take care of your Mom you are strong and you will figure it out. Good Luck to you and Hugs!
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lynnm12 Nov 2018
Ok, thanks. And I get you are right. Just never had to deal with a 'broken heart' like this before. Especially in the midst of dealing with my mother too. I kinda know what I need to do. But just sad in the process I guess.
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Yes, that's right. Not a bad person, but just couldn't hang during the darkest of times I guess. And I'm just trying to figure out how to move on I think.
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What do you want advice on?
Do you want your SO back?
Are you wondering how to move on without your SO?
Or are you just trying to get your life back together?

Prehaps the real question is, did you make a mistake taking care of your mom? No, you didn't! You did what you felt was right. That is what matters!

Did your SO tell you why she left?

If this person is so lovily than why did she leave? I understand that as caregivers we can become comsumed with making sure our LO are taking care of that we forget to take care of ourselves, little long are partner. But your SO should have been understanding as well.

And to tell you the truth, it is pretty crapy to leave you when so much was going on! Plus, how sweet is it to leave someone after 13 yrs by a text?
You deserve better than that! A text, REALLY??

If you can take some time for yourself, prehaps try to right down how you feel and what you want. Just an idea!

Maybe she did you a favour by leaving, and you just don't know it yet!

May God comfort and guide you through this hard time in your life. May He give you strength and courage to keep moving forward in the name of Jesus'. Amen
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lynnm12 Nov 2018
I'm not sure into the Jesus thing. But I'm open minded  And, yes, it is pretty crappy with the text deal. Writing like crazy too.  Coming tomorrow to get the rest of the things that were left here. I'll open the garage door. No contact.
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'Advice' about the past is no use. For now, a good rest and a change of scene. 'Change the furniture in your head', to quote. Best wishes.
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