So, may be taking this in an a WAY different direction than what this website is about. Been reading it for the longest, responded a time or two. Anyway, I just lost a long term relationship after my mother got Alzheimer's. Thought I was doing the right thing by putting her first. But now I'm not sure I did the right thing. Her twin sister had it before her, and her daughter took care of her, and the things she said about that. I know she would have never wanted this to happen for me. But when it happened to her I got so caught up in her and her care and taking care of her. Trying to maintain two careers and her too. By the time I realized I was losing almost everything, (I actually took her to work with me at times, which risked my career), I took the necessary steps to have her safe and healthy by other caregivers. I just so regret not doing this earlier, before it got to this point and I lost so much. She's the sweetest person ever and loved (loves) her family so much. My significant other left me, via text, after 13 years, my mother fell the next morning, naked, but I got her up, and her twin died three days later. I had turned into a mess. Health problems, etc. I could go on and on. But I'll spare you that. Just looking for advice.
But how do you give up on someone who is so devoted...how do you know if it’s an unhealthy, boundary-less attachment? Sometimes it is, as boundaries in other areas of his life are not well defined either. However, he is not entirely unaware...he is wracked with his own confusing feelings of obligation, love, denial...he has unhealthy anger outbursts too. There is no plan to put her in a home, ever. He is not interested in counseling or medication for what I believe is anxiety/depression. However, he will go to a support group with me.
He can understand my feelings, but made this commmitment long ago. We are past child bearing age and do not live together. We are working on getting her some support so he is not the sole entertainer. He is willing to go out alone, or come to my house. However, disillusionment and distance has occurred between us over the years. Some might describe me as selfish...but am I really? Do I have to be defined as either selfish or stupid (i.e. “run!”)? I believe there are a lot more in betweeners out there.
Having said all that, 13 years is a long time and a text message extremely minimizes the relationship. My guess is that communication has always been difficult for him. But I will also guess he went through some gut wrenching ambivalence and soul searching before he pressed “send”.
It's not only a betrayal to you but the betrayal of your sweet Mom that cuts the deepest.
Stay strong girlfriend....you are on the right path to healing.
It may not have been your intention or choice to break up, and certainly not in the way it happened. But is it possible that your exSO kind of felt that you had already left him?
Fact is, he wasn't up to scratch. I too commend your fairness towards him, and your philosophical gratitude for the good times, but I think and hope you'll eventually feel you haven't lost anything you can't do very well without.
You take care & find the right solution for you & mom.
Hugs 🤗
And, you do now have more support in place with the caregiving? So there'll be a better balance to your life in general?
Not saying anything about Poorme Peter. Only - for years I kept a strip cartoon of two Romans talking about a glamorous lady they'd just walked past.
Roman 1 - That's Cassius's wife. She's shed two hundred pounds of unsightly fat!
Roman 2 - How, a crash diet?
Roman 1 - No. She left Cassius.
YOU did, and are doing, THE RIGHT THING.
Your S O sounds very selfish. People who run the other way when you most need them are showing you who they are. Believe them. Now you run away if she comes back with her tail between her legs.
Getting your life back will take time. Start slow. I'd suggest decompressing for a while. Then take baby steps. What those baby steps will be for you is up to you but if you had the strength to take care of your Mom you are strong and you will figure it out. Good Luck to you and Hugs!
Do you want your SO back?
Are you wondering how to move on without your SO?
Or are you just trying to get your life back together?
Prehaps the real question is, did you make a mistake taking care of your mom? No, you didn't! You did what you felt was right. That is what matters!
Did your SO tell you why she left?
If this person is so lovily than why did she leave? I understand that as caregivers we can become comsumed with making sure our LO are taking care of that we forget to take care of ourselves, little long are partner. But your SO should have been understanding as well.
And to tell you the truth, it is pretty crapy to leave you when so much was going on! Plus, how sweet is it to leave someone after 13 yrs by a text?
You deserve better than that! A text, REALLY??
If you can take some time for yourself, prehaps try to right down how you feel and what you want. Just an idea!
Maybe she did you a favour by leaving, and you just don't know it yet!
May God comfort and guide you through this hard time in your life. May He give you strength and courage to keep moving forward in the name of Jesus'. Amen