I work from home and have somehow become the primary caregiver to my mother-in-law who moved in with us about a year ago. She has mild-ish dementia, but also appears to have some cognitive damage from lack of oxygen. She has interstitial lung disease and is on oxygen full time, but is otherwise it pretty good physical health.
The struggle for me is that she always treated me like I wasn't good enough, until she needed me. Now she tries so desperately to insert herself into my life and be my best friend. She interrupts my work numerous times a day to ask me obvious questions or tell me about the weather. She follows me around when I'm cleaning and watches over my shoulder and narrates what I'm doing. If I ask her to find something to do or tell her I'm busy, she gets hurt and my husband gets annoyed.
His siblings are no help. I prepare all of her meals, monitor her oxygen, and clean up after her. We take her on vacation with us and plan our lives around never being gone for more than half a day. We pay for all of her expenses/copays, as her social security does not even cover the cost of maintaining her empty home and she has no savings. I've suggested we sell the house as it is just sitting there costing her money. Her middle child cannot part with it, even though he lives on the other side of the country and visits once a year.
Honestly, I know it is petty but I just want time to do the things I need to do and be left alone.
Thank you for the reply.
Hope you enjoyed your time away.
Good luck on the house sale.
Set a deadline and make it happen.
Glad DH has the POA.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eH2coWVi9Vg
How weird is is that so many of us have sibs who seem to wield so much POWER over a situation? Why does the middle child call the shots about MIL's house??? He shows up once a year to, what? Show he's capable of a pilgrimage? Ridiculous!
There sits a source of $$, just falling apart (empty houses have a way of doing that!) and ONE sibling won't allow it to be sold? He needs to be paying MIL's way then. You certainly shouldn't be!
If my DH demanded that I step up in his mother's care, after the way she's treated me for the last 47 years, he can jolly well go live with her and do it himself. He thinks I am extremely selfish, but frankly, taking care of HIM exhausts me. There would be a double homicide!
somehow you became primary caregiver to MIL. You work, prepare meals, she gets hurt because you are busy and husband is upset. Why?
Why middle child makes decision about house sale?
Seems to me if you are doing everything you should take control or relinquish it. All of it, especially primary caregiver role.
Have a serious talk with your husband about your financial involvement, to sell house and get extra help or place for MIL.
She posts funny jokes every day on the DIscussions thread:
"Jokes needed to lighten our day"
A dog-themed post from her today:
"❤️ 🙂 “I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor."
"Hi, I'm Stopthat. Sometimes they call me 'Getbackhere'."
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea."
"Dogs are God's way of apologizing for your relatives."
When I want to have a good belly laugh with my 100-yr old Auntie with mod/adv dementia, I find funny animal videos on YouTube. She could watch those all day. Gives her a nice break from accusing us of murder and mayhem.
Have a stack of things for her to do.
Sort socks
Fold towels
If you have a paper shredder give her a stack of papers to run through the shredder.
Can she unload the dishwasher?
How about dusting?
Watering plants?
Does the middle child have their name on the deed to the house? If so start sending all the bills to the middle child. (would be a good idea that the middle child and other children begin taking turns paying the excess on the bills that you seem to be paying)
If they do not have their name on the deed explain that the house has to be sold for paying for care. If the middle child wishes to purchase the house then the Fair Market Value is $XXX,XX
Who has POA? This would be the person that is responsible for the financial matters. And an empty house tends to bleed money.
How can you tell if a Mycologist is Bisexual?
They place a personal add and it reads....... Seeks Fungi or Fungal.
The middle sibling needs to grow up and take care of Mom, by getting that house sold to pay for Mom’s care.
You are being put through needless stress while this sibling “can’t part with” an empty house. Empty houses fall apart, and might not even be covered by insurance, if no one is living there.
Give them all a deadline to list the house. Then, the moment the house is sold begins the 30 day countdown to when you will no longer be the caregiver in charge. Stick to your guns.
But the OP has asked us to make her laugh.
She hasn't asked for us to give her solutions such as "if you are not now POA you need to get Mom to give you POA while she is still able to do that; then the home needs to be sold for her care, or rented to give her funds for her care, or even HELP with her needs. And when you can no longer do the care Mom will need to go into ALF with the funds that are from the home that currently the lazy son is living in. If OP cannot do the care, but chooses to continue to try to do so at the risk of health and sanity, then a counselor would/could work".
BUT, again, our OP has said she is venting and does not want any solutions; she wants us to make her laugh.
We see these posts often on Forum. People come in and they are completely overwhelmed, but they are completely closed off from advice and don't want it; they just want to vent. So we often make the mistake of giving advice, and then the OP is furious at us and says "I asked you to make me LAUGH and I told you I don't want advice."
When you come to an advice Forum for that/with that? Then THAT is funny in some ways, as well.
I know there is the constant back and forth on forum of what people have come for and what we should give. Some say it is complete sympathy and understanding. I honestly think that does no benefit from our OPs; they get sympathy from every friend and church member out there. And nothing changes. I always think that shaking the tree can sometimes get the apples to fall; then you can make a pie of another sort.
I don't find we can make middle siblings (or anyone else) grow up or do anything else we would like them to do. And that's not funny either, but it is a fact. It's always best to stare the real facts right down.
We have to understand that we make our own decisions in life, not decisions for others. and we are responsible to ourselves for our own decisions. I sure wish the OP good luck, but if this is where she is and she has chosen to keep doing this without help, I honestly think that the best we can do is to tell her jokes and make her laugh if we are able.
Rent I hear is going through the roof, so rent out spare rooms for other women whose MILs have been dumped on them.
If husband complains about increased cost, tell him he can rent out your room in his house. Must be his house as he feels free to make all the rules.
But I do agree with him on one thing. It does no good to annoy him. Make him mad as he!!
You are not a child.
You are not living in her house.
She is living in your house.
Make some boundaries and force them to be kept.
Man and wife decide they simply MUST get away from caregiving the MIL, so they enlist a neighbor to watch over her several times a day and to watch their cat who resides also in the household.
Day two of the vacation they call the friend to check on how everything's going, but are told "MIL is fine, but the cat's dead". The husband is irate. "What's the MATTER with you, he says. Could you not have broken this to me easier. Like I call today and you say that the cat's on the roof and won't come down. A day two you say that cat's not on the roof so far as you can see but hasn't come home. Break it to us easier? What's the MATTER with you."
Next day the couple again calls, this time to check on the MIL only. Guy answers and says "Your MIL is on the roof".
BELIEVE ME when I tell you, you DON'T want my advice.
Hee hee.
I'm reconciled with my second husband these days. When we take up living together again we will have special legal documents drawn up by a lawyer. Those documents will spell out that both of us agree that no family members (either side) will be moving in with us because they need care. Nor will either or us relocate ourselves to living in one of their homes to become caregivers.
I'm not having it and he saw what my experience living with my mother and being her caregiver has done to me. It almost destroyed me.
He's got a whole bunch of aging relatives on his side of the family who will soon need care. There is talk that since I was a caregiver for 25 years...
Hell no. Not happening. I'm done with caregiving. I don't mind caring for the dog.
mrsribit
Aug 2012
Fred was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $20 million.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
I don't know how funny I can be but I will try. Our oldest child ( she is a girl ) just recently told us she was pregnant with her 3rd child which is a boy. I mentioned that she is female since apparently it is recently in the news that men can become pregnant! Anyway she has 2 girls although a 3rd one would have been fine too. She has had all the testing and all looks good and is not even considered high risk despite her age. Sorry I seem long winded here. Anyway I told my mother. My daughter is due in November. My son is getting married in CA at the end of the month. Shortly after telling my mother all this she asked if the baby would be going to CA. I should have said yes but inside her. Didn't think of that so had to say no the baby is not coming until November. She seemed to get it but who knows if I will be asked that again.
I think you need to get your mother in a facility. I know that is much easier said then done. I cannot imagine the day to day existence for you. I hope you find a solution and you have my deepest concern for your well being.
A woman goes to see her doctor. When she gets home she's telling her husband how it went.
"He said my cholesterol is good, my blood pressure is down, my diabetes is under control"
Husband says "Did he say anything about your fat a**?"
Wife "No, we didn't talk about you dear"
Tell you what though, I'd be pretty pissed if my husband was annoyed with me for dealing with and caring for HIS MOTHER 24/7. In fact, I'd tell him and his siblings to go pound sand while I checked into a nice hotel for a couple of weeks, leaving them to see what "fun" it is to have the old bat hounding THEM all day and making messes for them to clean up while trying to work. I won't even address why he feels it's appropriate to be paying for all of her expenses while her home sits empty but could be sold to finance her life in managed care. But hey, her middle child "can't part with it" so it's a good thing HE'S not paying the bills for it, or chipping in for her expenses either, huh?
I'd try to make you laugh but I'm too irritated at what this family is putting you thru right now to think of anything funny to say. I'm truly sorry you're in this position in the first place and sincerely hope DH pulls his head out of his butt for long enough to see the chaos he and his mother are causing before it's too late.
Best of luck.