I feel horrible. My mom has had one health issue after another this whole year and is declining rapidly. She is now in hospice care at her assisted living. She is hallucinating and very frail. She isn't imminently dying but her 6 month prognosis is grave.
I find it so incredibly hard to visit her. My heart breaks and I cry each time after. I want to be there for her but I'm so emotionally and mentally exhausted that I can only muster a half hour to an hour tops and maybe 3 times a week I go. The mom I knew and loved died many months ago. I pray that she will go in her sleep but I fear she will get another infection and die a painful slow death.
I know I need to see her, but I get so anxious I make myself nauseous and stressed out, and I procrastinate... well I'll go in a bit after lunch, we'll she might be napping.
I know I'm not the first on this forum that feels like this. I am looking into seeing a grief counselor I know that I need to... Sorry for the long prattle, but you all are always so kind. I guess I just needed to get that out.
Your grieving is normal and healthy. What kind of person would you be if you could not grieve for someone you love losing herself in such a long and slow slide down. If it is a source of this much dread and continuous pain I would consider seeing a licensed social worker experienced and in private practice for counseling. They are often best at life transitions work.
I am so sorry for this grief and pain.
I do understand that you feel that you should be there, but at some point you have to decide if it's really necessary. Delve into your motivation. Is it someone else who said you should be there as much as possible, or is it your conscience? Where did you get your belief that it's the right thing to keep visiting? Society's expectations? A Hallmark movie?
Sometimes there's no practical pragmatic reason at all. Showing up faithfully when it's not necessary is like flagellating ourselves to expiate the vague sins of our childhood or some such rot.
My tipping point with my mom was when I kept sitting with her and all she did was look out the window twisting the hem of her blouse in her lap. She hadn't acknowledged me for weeks. My attendance was depressing me, meant no difference to the person she'd become, and I realized that I could be useful by cleaning out her house and attic while I was there. So I did. I felt better, she kept gazing out the window, and I took 70 years worth of junk to the dump, thrift store, etc. over a period of months. It was better to be useful than to sit and fret.
Maybe that would work for you.
My mother was on hospice in Memory Care Assisted Living too and not imminently dying by anyone's standards. Then one day she felt tired, took to her bed, went into a semi comatose state and passed a week later. Hospice kept her comfortable the entire time.
Be sure to stay in close contact with your hospice nurse so you can request meds as needed for hallucinations etc. I did so bc mom was Sundowning something fierce and horribly agitated every afternoon and evening. The nurse gave her Ativan which helped quite a bit.
All that said, I sympathize tremendously with what you're going through. I dreaded going to see mom in MC too. How many stomach aches I suffered through, tortured times I sat there holding back tears to see her dreadful decline. Slumped over in her wheelchair like she was, it was awful. I'd bring dh with me for moral support. I'd always cry afterward bc the whole scene was so sad. To see a once vibrant and mouthy woman deteriorate into a mere shell of her former self was too much to bear. I used to pray daily for God to take her and put her out of her earthly misery, finally. He did, at 95 years old, and I was relieved.
Wishing you Godspeed with a very difficult situation to deal with.
Your mom knows that you've been there for her all along and that you love her, so cut yourself some slack and just do what is comfortable for you.
Not everyone is cut out to watch a loved one die, especially when it is long and drawn out.
Since mom is now under hospice care talk to their grief counselor and chaplain as they do offer that for free as part of your moms services.
Wishing you peace and comfort as you take this final journey with your mom.
I never visited my Mom more than 30 min when on hospice. One day she closed her eyes to never open them again, to not wanting to get out of bed, to just lying there. Thats when Hospice was brought in. I am not the daughter that ever sat with a parent all day. Actually, I don't think Hospitals make it comfortable to do that. When my MIL was in Rehab, my BIL thought we should be there all day for her. We left at 8 am and came home at 5pm. My DH went along with it. She was not dying, just getting Rehab. She was competent. Sorry, not this daughter. Problem, they can call me. I was 10 min away. Now because Mom had Dementia, I did stay longer.
So do not feel bad. You do what you feel comfortable doing.
Thank you all for letting me vent and being supportive.