I lost all patience. I am TIRED.
I feel terrible.
Yet, by the same token, who could take so much mental abuse and not react? I should have, I know that.
My mother has been and has done the same things all her life, and all my life. Her behavior is just exacerbated by age and illness, but is always the same.
She knows how to hurt and she does; and she CANNOT relinquish control without feeling that “I play with her as if she was a toy”, why? For example because I have hired a maid to help ME (we live overseas. I relocated overseas to be with her and care for her), so a maid is financially doable over here.
If I get the lawn mowed, if I bring a plumber to fix something and worst of all, if I leave her to go run errands with the maid, I am playing with her like a toy.
My mother has become pretty much deaf and that limits conversations. She has so many ailments, but does not want to see a doctor (no, here there is no 911 or any number to call to have her go to the hospital). Trust me, I FEEL FOR HER and I would do ANYTHING for her, she is ALL I have.
Except! I haven’t found the strength to just take all she says and does, putting me down; and her nasty attitude without reacting. I used to be able to not react, but it seems like I just lost that capacity after seven years, and I am VERY sorry. I wish I could handle it differently.
In her mind she is alone and probably “abused” by me every time I respond to her angry and mean comments such as, “Your father told me I was making a mistake being so good to you and pleasing you so much all the time hence: HERE IS THE RESULT”. My dad passed away several years ago, he told my mom that when she picked up my toys instead of having me do it when I was a CHILD. She is 89 and I am a grown adult who literally loves her to death and has done ALL in my hands to care for her. The demeaning comments have burnt me down. I am TIRED and trapped because I am the only child and every time I have tried to find help to be with my mom if I even dream to take a break NO ONE lends a hand. So my real only hope is to learn to handle the situation without letting it affect me to this point, and I am REALLY struggling.
MAY GOD HELP US ALL WHO ARE TRYING TO LOVE SOMEONE THAT DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO RECEIVE OUR LOVE.
6 Answers
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Of course, you are exhausted and ran out of patience. Who wouldn’t be in your shoes?
Make other arrangements for mom to be cared for and return to your own life.
Is she really “all you have”? If so, you need to get better people in your life, fast.
You can look after mom’s affairs and not take her verbal beatings.
Your Mother may feel angry at becoming old, becoming dependant.
It's ok to feel angry.
It's not ok to dump that anger on people - on you.
Does your Mother have a faith/belief? Are there faith elders that could visit? Expressing how she feels to someone trained to listen may, maybe, hopefully give her a space to vent her anger. Maybe she can move past her anger to acceptance?
I think I would suggest she have a chat to someone. Arrange it if possible.
After that, say "I am not your therapist" or "I am not your whipping post" or whatever phrase sits well with you to say *enough*.
If you are trying to love her that's a very poor decision in my humble opinion.
There is no way to handle abuse but to LEAVE abuse in the dust and move away from it.
Do you live with your mother? If so, why?
Are you POA for your mother? If so, resign.
You say you are trapped, but if that it so it is you that inserted your foot into the steel jaws, and who keeps it there.
You are a grown woman now. If you have not got the love and guidance a child deserves you will not ever get it. People do not change. You have to take the responsibility on of an adult who makes her own choices now. If you stay in this mix it is no one else's fault.
I suggest Listening to Dr Laura's podcast Call of the Day to toughen up a bit.
I suggest a GOOD therapist who will shake your world and change your habitual ways of reacting to your mom because by now you two are thoroughly enmeshed in a habitual dance that is no good for either of you.
You must take responsibility for being you own mom, your own best friend and your own wise counselor. Would you EVER advise ANYONE to stay in a situation such as your own?
All of this may sound very cruel to you, but I don't believe sympathy of others will ever help you. You have likely had plenty of that. I think the only thing to help you is to understand that change is devastatingly difficult; it will be the hardest thing you have ever done. But you will be so proud of it in the end that you won't ever need anyone's sympathy again.
I don't care about your mother. She will do fine, I am sure. And if not she can hire someone to do for her, or depend upon the state. I care about you. I hope you will think long and hard about this, as it is a long time you are doing this knowing it is not working well.
do for yourself . Mom will never be happy no matter what .
You are burnt , tired , struggling .
Mom does not want to relinquish control .
This is no longer working .
Mom will think what she thinks but the truth is you have been going above and beyond for her .
Of course in the states we would say to do an ER dump and tell the hospital you can’t care for her anymore. I do not know what resources are available where you are , but whatever help you can get take it .
I’ll tell you what I ended up telling my mother when I was burnt and had to put her in assisted living and she had me at the brink and told me that I “ dumped her “. First I tried to tell her nicely why she needed to live there which did not work because she had dementia . She got me so upset that I finally told her “ It’s not my fault , I didn’t make you old “. You can’t fix old .
If you can somehow get out of hands on caregiving please do it . Preferably Mom going to a facility . You deserve to live your own life with some peace .
It is time to just stop. Sometimes you have to accept things for what they are. When you do, you receive the gift of freedom.
Freedom to acknowledge that you deserve to be loved and nurtured. Freedom to chose to love and nurture yourself. That may mean mom can no longer live with you or that you will set boundaries when mom verbally degrades and abuses you.
There is no reward for allowing your mother to break you mentally, emotionally and to wound you to the core so that you may never recover.
Choose yourself over your broken and unavailable mother. It's time.