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My dad is 83 and lives with me and my husband. I am so exhausted from having to stay up late or get up before the crack of dawn just to have some alone time. Sometimes I am rude to him because he gets up early right after me and I can't be alone with my coffee and thoughts. I feel so guilty for being "mean" to him. I just miss having some quiet me time. Does anyone else feel like this?

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You are not alone! That was the most difficult for me when my Mother lived with us. I went from doing lots of volunteer work, lunches with friends, projects galore to always being on call 24/7. Found myself getting up early to just sit outside alone for an hour or so. Finally hired a companion for Mom for 5 hours a day twice a week and kept my sanity.

Check with your local senior services group or home health care provider for services your Dad might be eligible for. Is there a day program nearby for him to attend? Many of them provide bus service, depending on the size of your community. Do you have family that might give you a day off or at least a few hours a day each week? How about a weekend off every month?

You must take care of yourself and your own family first! Your emotional and physical health will be affected by caregiving if you don't put yourself first!
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littletonway, there are senior day programs in our community but he is never interested in going unless I can go with him. I feel like, in his mind, I've replaced his wife. I'm always trying to be so respectful towards my dad, that sometimes I just can't find a way to say what I should. He's lived with us for a year now and I think it's time I try to find some way to set some ground rules, but don't know where to start because I don't want to make him unhappy.
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Many older men enjoy learning to dance. If they find themselves a "dance partner" it opens up a new avenue of life. Many areas have dance lessons at the senior centers. This is particularly good for men, since more ladies are looking for partners than there are men.
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That's a good idea, JessieBelle. He does like to dance.
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I am usually awake by 4 am listening to footsteps and waiting for falls while staying in bed. Up about 6:30, hoping for an hour with my tea and newspaper. Drives me batty if i do not get at least an hour to myself.
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For me, *me time* is time at work where it is the only place I am not constantly thinking about my aging parents [90+] who still live alone in their own home.

Never in my wildest dreams would I had ever thought working outside the home would be a *vacation* :P
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I miss my me time too. We live rural and when the weather is nice, I try to get up before my spouse just to go on the deck and look at the trees by myself.
He is a sweetheart but had an accident developed some health issues and cannot be left alone any longer . I feel like we are attached at the hip.
It seems sometimes I am selfish with my me time but I cannot help it.
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I don't know about others, but I miss my "others" time. I have so much me time around here. Mom watches TV all day while I do the chores, meds, shopping, etc. Sometimes it seems like it is all me -- me doing this and me doing that. My mother is lost in the TV and often gets mad if I interrupt the Waltons to talk to her. We live in a neighborhood of 20-something year olds with babies, so there's no neighbors to visit back and forth. I have to go places to look for people closer to my own age. Sometimes I feel pretty pathetic, having to go look for friends. I have never been a great socialite, but I have never been this alone before. It is awful. I feel like I am 100 years old already socially.
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Jessie, I know how you feel. Never was a great socialite, either. My sig other and I are the oldest on our cul-de-sac. At least he doesn't yell outside "Get off my lawn, kid".

My parents live in the same subdivision and are the oldest. Their next door neighbors on either side are from a far off land, different cultures, different religions, and my parents won't socialize with anyone not of their same culture or religion.... sad, my parents are missing out on so much :(
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Daddysgirl513, I can truly relate to your post today. I have been missing my daily routine and the few hobbies I have been able to maintain in between running back and forth from my home to my parents' home. I am so grateful that my parents are able to live in their own home for now.
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I miss being able to decide what I want to do and when.
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glasshalffull, you got that right. I feel like I need to sneak by my parents house to go to anywhere.... if my parents see my vehicle go by [their house is on the main circle of the subdivision] they are curious where I went.

Many times it's not my vehicle as there is an identical 1996 Jeep the same color as mine, and another 1996 Jeep the same color as my sig other here in our subdivision. I mean, what are the odds of that. So my parents will get them mixed up with our vehicles.
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I have no answers, but can identify with the lack of me time. I am learning to enjoy little snipets of time and am working part time(which ends up being a day out!). I am told by people that do not have the problem to just take the time, it's important. Well that being very true, it is easier said than done. I just keep plugging along and do the best I can.
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Oh, yes. I'm betting you're hardly alone with those thoughts. Well, I know you're not, because I had the same exact ones. My 'time at peace' was after I'd tucked mom in for the night and wearily made my way to bed. When I snuggled under the covers....well, there was no sweeter feeling on earth for me. It was, indeed, my sanctuary.
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What helped me was to tell my mom that I needed to recharge in the evenings. I was with her after work, prepping and eating dinner and visiting until about 8:30PM. Then I went into my room, got my clothing ready for the next day and rested in bed. I read, watched TV, knitted. When I was sleepy, I could just turn out the light and roll over. Mom was unhappy that I wasn't sitting with her, watching TV till 11 and tried to make me feel guilty. But I stuck with it and that was the new habit. I looked forward to my down time, while still getting to sleep at a decent hour.

Carving out time for yourself is important and reasonable. You should be able to have time for solitary interests, like reading or drawing or crafts. There has to be balance on the happiness meter - you need time for yourself and he needs to get used to spending time without your attention.
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Linda, does your Mom have dementia? Just going to bed sounds easy enough if not dealing with memory loss. However, your solution would never work for me. My Mom would either be searching for me as soon as i left a room or wandering off into the night.
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Glad, no, my mom doesn't have dementia and I understand where that wouldn't work for a parent with dementia. From other responses regarding senior activities, I made the assumption that her dad was able to without her attention for a bit without becoming anxious.
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My mom is in a home and my alone time is gone. She and I are it, so she gets clingy and upset if I don't visit everyday. I'm also in school because I can't afford my student loans at the moment. To top it off I moved to a more expensive apartment because she hated the apartment manager at the old place with a passion (this pre-dates any dementia) and she in her demented state hit the apartment manager with a broom (I know my mom would have done that 10 years ago had it not been that she still had filters back then). I thought she would be staying with me after I had her medication adjusted but the mighty "they" decided I can't take care of her. What that means is the government will pay for nursing home care but not a person to come in and I REALLY CAN'T AFFORD $10/hour right now. I moved closer to work (aka to a pricier area) so I could keep an eye on her at lunch as well.

When they take away my mom's SS I'm screwed. I have exactly $131 left over for whatever comes up after paying the rent and the bills. I had to take a large pay cut to get a job after losing one due to The Recession. I did ask my boss for a raise and he said end of year BUT that was before they announced layoffs so I will be lucky to just have a job even if it pays crap.

So I spend all my time with mom at the nursing home or home doing homework on Office 2013 even though that is what I do for a living - it's slim pickings in your first semester, I had forgotten that from real college. I'm poor enough that the JC pays for my classes. Alas, the Federal government does not recognize the huge difference in cost of living in California compared to anywhere else. I was born here, living here is not some stupid wannabe actor choice I made.

I've considered dating which taking care of my mom was a wonderful excuse to avoid the last 10 years but ugh dating a 50 year old man seems so well OLD. I can't see the concept of true love happening in my mid 40s if it did not happen in my mid-20s. I had a shot at marriage but true love it was not.

And no matter how hard I try or how many meds I take, I'm depressed and my mom is depressed. I also didn't really enjoy dating when my choices were 35, I'm just not the "meeting new people type". I guess I'll be looking for a new job in the new year but I'm screwed for now. Oh yes and all my real friends left the state due to The Recession and I have no time to make new ones nor the wherewithal (sp) to do it nor the money to go out with them if I did. Those last two may be related because even though I am not the meet new person type I tend to be good at making friends.

So yes, I relate. I had a lot more "me" time when my mom was living with me. I also went out with my friends and had a fabulous excuse to avoid dating. I haven't been to the nail place in months. I miss the nail place and the salon.
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I agree that it is very difficult to find alone time when caring for a senior. It absolutely robs you of any strength and sanity. Some of us have the additional problem of spouse and child feeling resentful of the time you must spend caregiving. I don't have any answers except that you must think of yourself first, or you will be of no use to anyone else. Don't feel guilty about knitting ( I am also a voracious knitter) or reading or just sitting quietly. My mom doesn't have dementia, but has always been selfish, and raised her son to be that way. I think we are always going to upset others no matter what, so keep on doing what you need to get through the day.
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I was just emailing a friend of mine who wants me to meet her new boyfriend about how life is full circle and taking care of my mum was liking having a child, you never have your own time. Are there such places that have babysitters for the elderly, not home health, but just a sitter? But even with that, you never know when there is going to be an illness so I really can't plan for evenings out. I use all the me time I can muster though and email and the internet are GREAT. I guess that is my only advice, since it is what it is, utilize anytime you have to yourself.
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My 77 year old mom who suffers from severe COPD and is on oxygen 24/7 , never drive or made friends lives next door to me. I go over every day, make her dinner, shop for her, take her to doctors, banking, hairdresser and what ever else she needs. I feel like I'm on call 24/7 even when I'm on vacation. I have 3 siblings who don't help. Well, one comes every 3 months to take mom to the lung doctor and thinks that's helping. My mom refuses to go to adult daycare or have strangers help out. She does have a house cleaner come once a month so that helps. I also work part time. This is a hard thankless job, but I love my mom. I hate thinking bad about all I have to put up with, but it's hard.
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I live with my husband, 87 yo Mom, and have added my best friend who is in hospice from metastatic cancer.....me time is rare and I guard it very closely. It is not always a chance to get it and I miss it sorely. Grab what you can when you can....even 5 minutes in the shower, bathroom, on the phone with a friend..anything makes a big difference. Another thing I've allowed myself....take the day one minute at a time or one foot in front of the other when you need to. Feelings, no matter what they are need to be felt regardless.
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I moved my parents near me to an Assisted Living and over the years they have moved on to specialty care wing, then dad passed away, now mom is in a nursing home (the loveliest and best!) with dementia and unable to stand or walk any more. She also has anxiety issues and needs me to stop in every day. I do skip days from time to time, but on days I go, by the time I drive there, spend 45 minutes or thereabouts, and drive home, stopping for errands, I have lost a good two hours of "me time". I work full time. and like someone previously said, work is like a vacation to me!! Knitting is my passion, and I always bring something to knit when with mom. She does show interest, so that is good. But I do not have the alone time I need and I really miss that!
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What I resent is the fact that my own parents had a lot of *me time* for themselves back when Dad retired at 65, and he and Mom would be out traveling, sightseeing, going to museums, eating out, going to the movies, vacationing at their favorite resort twice a year and was doing all that until they had to stop about 6 years ago [both are in their 90's]. They had a grand retirement for 25 great years.

What am I doing at 68, none of the above. I am still working mainly for my own sanity and to have people of other age groups to talk to... yet half of my free time is running here or there, driving my parents to appointments, etc.... and the other half of my free time is trying to catch up with my own household chores, my own groceries, my own doctor appointments.

Gone are the grand plans I had for retirement. All that saving and scrimping for what? Oh well, will all my health issues due to stress, I can get a really nice assistant living facility for myself :P
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Freqflyer, exactly!!! I am retirement age now, but my office is my sanity! Until mom got to the nursing home, I was using my time off to run her (or both prior to dad's passing) to appts or to get them stuff etc. Still spend a lot of time talking to nursing home staff and doctors to address some health issues. Yes, they had an amazing retirement from 65 on!!! My husband and I insist on some time away. We don't travel far, but we do get some short getaways. The staff is extra good with her when I tell them we will be away for a few days. I totally, 100%, understand where you are coming from!!
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Could you go out for coffee by yourself on occasion? I'm fortunate that my mom and I live in a duplex and so we both have alone time. I would be batty if I didn't.
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Daddysgirl513. It is the same thing for me and my mother. I don't have private time just to think anymore. I have to get up at the crack of dawn, exhausted, and then if I am not perfectly silent or there is any noise outside, the refrain of "is it time to get up yet?" starts. I really don't know what to tell you. This is not the same as respite during the afternoon. At some point, you need some peace and quiet for your own mental health. But my mom really can't read anymore; she has trouble understanding written words.So I either have to be active with her all the time or we have the TV on.
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I can relay to everyone. Daddysgirl, your story is so similar to mine. I find myself at times talking to my mother with an attitude,I should understand that is not her fault for her actions. I sometimes don't have the patience when i have to repeat simple things over and over. I'm really frustrated due to the fact that my mom has being at my house for the past month. I torn the ACL from my right knee and i'm on crutches. Its taking me longer to recover since i have to take care of her all day long. I will ask her to do just a few things and she complains all she wants is for me to seat with her and watch tv. and i have to stand on one leg with crutches in the kitchen for breakfast lunch and dinner. That is all she talks about, and smoking and having tea all day long. Can't wait to get better so i can go back to work which is my only me time. My life for the past 7 years since we moved from NY to NC is work and making sure my mom has everything she needs and that she's in good health after all...I'm only 56 years old and i feel the rest of my life is just passing me by. I think is good to vent but after all God has a purpose for everything....All we have to do is hang in there and keep the faith.
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I miss me time too. I also miss kid time and husband time. It feels like my life is surrounding my parents and their care. I work 2 jobs, and between the 2 jobs and my parents' care, it seems like there isnt enough time for children and husband, let alone, myself.
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SPEAK UP to your parent!! I know it's not easy to disappoint our parents or to cause them to be sad or mad with our choices, but YOU are sad, angry, etc. etc. and that's not fair to YOU! Let your dad know "Dad, I really need some "me" time, so I'm not going to be available to you for the next hour.....Or, "so I'm going to be going out one afternoon a week to spend time with friends, shop, etc. How would you like to spend that time?" Your parent doesn't have to like it or support you in it, or agree. They may try to guilt you, but do it anyhow. It gets easier. So what if they're mad or sad? It's part of being a human being, and just because someone is elderly doesn't mean they get to be exempt from disappointment, sadness or anger. They, too, can make some "sacrifices" of not having you around if and whenever they want you. If your dad won't go to the senior center without, you "I'm sorry to hear that dad. I thought you might enjoy getting out of the house and talking with other people. But that's your choice." And then drop it! Don't try and figure out what he can do next, and don't make yourself readily available to start "entertaining" him right then. Most of us want the easy way to get our wants/needs met and aren't inclined to make change without some level of discomfort. This includes your DAD! He, too, can make some sacrifices in his wants/needs as a result of living with you. It doesn't have to be a one way street just because someone is elderly!
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