My friend is wheelchair bound with one leg. I cook, clean, do laundry every day sometimes twice a day because she wears diapers and she can have accidents at anytime number 1 and 2 on her bedding. I bathe, wash her, put diaper on her and clothing on a daily basis too. I take her to doctor appointments, clean house, dishes, mop and sweep on a daily basis also. I have not gotten or received any money from her or any program since the day I moved in more less the last 4 mths (June 5th) the day I moved in. She gets 1500 from family trust fund and 621 from SSC every month, total of what she gets is a little over 2100. She says she won't pay me cause taking care of her everyday of every month 24/7 is my rent. Half of her rent that I would be paying is 400. I would like and appreciate if you could tell me who and what programs that can help me with my situation that I'm in and what would be my pay or wage for the last 4 months and each month that I should be receiving from her or Programs....
Thank You,
Tawnya52
I have a few questions to put the situation in perspective:
1. Do YOU want to continue in this relationship (a) if you aren't going to receive any payment and (b) recognize that she likely isn't going to change her position? And if she declines physically and in health? Did you enter this relationship as a lifetime commitment?
2. If so, then I think you are going to have to make the accommodations, as she doesn't seem interested. And her staunch position now could be indicative of future positions if other disagreements arise. That's something to seriously consider, especially if she deteriorates and needs additional help.
3. Perhaps the first thing you should do is establish what a comparable position would pay. Your profile doesn't indicate any area, so we have no idea what going rates are for where you live. You'll have to do that research yourself.
So do some research and locate care companies in your area that provide 24/7 care. And remember that an agency would likely provide 3 different people, each for one shift, as opposed to one live-in person. The rates would include overhead though, so there won't be a 1:1 comparison basis.
4. For programs that could help, contact the local city or township, county, or state agencies. This will require some research, but it's something you'll need to do. We can't do that for you, especially since we don't know your health, age or financial situation (nor would we want to have all that personal information shared online). Be sure to consider your own health care, as at some point it may change.
5. Is this woman a Veteran? If so, she should get in touch with the VA to find out what she may qualify for, and you also should research the VA's programs to see if you can qualify for assistance as her caregiver.
6. Ideally, the relationship and financing should have been addressed before you moved in, and a care contract should have been executed between the two of you.
7. Calculating what your compensation should have been for the last 4 months and forward isn't something we should be doing, in part b/c we don't have all the details.
I would move at once and allow your friend to access the system for her care in future. This is neither a caregiver relationship nor a friend relationship, but it will stymie and put a stop to your life ongoing.
Make other arrangements for job and room and move. Do give your friend a time in which to arrange for care, say a month. Let her know that in a month you will be out and on your way, will remain a friend, but not a caregiver or "roommate".
You must be compensated for your work. Even if "Free rent" were possible in exchange for the 24/7 care you provide is a gross underpayment. Figure what rent would be for a 1 room (where I live a 1 bedroom apartment, that means you would have your own bathroom and a kitchen is a bit over $1200 a month /more or less depending on where/.) Would you work, doing all that you do for $40.00 a day?
Tell your "friend" that you will be moving out. Give her a date and start looking for an apartment.
the "program" that will help you is YOU.
Chalk up what you have learned in the past 3 or 4 months as valuable and use that to get a job as a caregiver if you want to do that type of work.
Give notice when something comes through. You don’t owe her anything. She owes you!
Personally, I would make a clean break with her if you leave because she hasn’t been a good friend or employer to you.
I am not telling you what to do. You have to come to your own conclusions as to what is best for you.
It can’t be easy for you to stick around. She doesn’t realize that if you don’t treat others with respect and appreciation that they will not respect or appreciate her. If she does realize, then she simply doesn’t care.
Wishing you all the best. If you do accept a new ‘live in’ caregiver position make sure that you will also receive a salary.
you can easily get a paid position at a nursing home doing this.
If you agreed nothing, she owes you nothing. If you don't like it, leave. If she doesn't want you to leave, she can negotiate.
Even if she is eligible for additional grants or programs, it's your friend who would receive the money to pay for her care, so the only way to arrive at an agreement is through her. Are you still on speaking terms?
What have you been living on since June?
I suggest that you have gotten into an abusive relationship and need to find a way out of it, Please consult women's shelter or counselling center (I assume you're female from your post name). They can help you with finding a job that will pay a living wage and other resources.
When you have plans for your own well-being, then I would make a call to local Adult Protective Services. Your friend will need help - paid help- when you leave this situation. They can help your friend secure the help he/she needs without the financial/emotional abuse you are enduring.
Find another job.
Tell your friend you don't mind helping her, but she is taking advantage of the situation.
Then she could deduct $400 from that for your rent.
But even THAT arrangement is unfair to you (but not as bad as what you are currently getting).
Go here and find your state's minimum wage-
https://www.paycor.com/resource-center/minimum-wage-by-state
So, let's assume you live in one of the states with the lowest rate ($7.25 per/hr). Let's assume you are waiting on her hand and foot for at least 8 hrs. per day.
$7.25 x 8hr. x 30 days = $1740
subtract $400 rent from that and she owes you $1340 per month.
And even THAT is NOT good because I'm sure you work more than 8 hrs. plus she'd have to pay far more if she was hiring someone to do it. Did you move in because YOU needed a place to stay or did you move in specifically to help her as a friend?
I was able to work part-time last year, which helped a bit...but because of C19, I am not working at all.
You should have had an agreement. If you are doing this 24/7 7 days a week you are literally a slave. What you need to do is make a list.
CNA $10 an hour.
Cleaning lady $25 a day.
So just the cleaning lady is $750 a month so there's the rent.
When ur a live in Caregiver your room is part of the agreement. Minimum wage needs to be paid. You work 40 hrs a week with time off. Overtime is extra. Call your Labor Board and find out what her responsibilities and ur rights are for live ins. IMO, this woman needs to be in a NH if she can't afford in home care.
Review your situation carefully. Clearly you aren’t satisfied with your current situation. Honestly, who would be?
It is obvious to me that this person is neither a friend or a good employer. You aren’t getting a salary so you aren’t having taxes deducted. This is a sticky situation. Plus it isn’t beneficial for you in the long run concerning benefits in the future. What about earnings that count towards your social security?
You have gone above and beyond a good employee and friendship in your relationship with her.
There is friendship. Their is business. These two things are not the same. I might add the same for family. This is why some people don’t relish the thought of mixing friendship/family with business. It’s hit or miss, usually it’s a big miss.
Whether we are friends or family we deserve to be compensated for caregiving. Let me also point out, this also applies if they live in your home!
Speak to your ‘friend’ and I use that term lightly! Have a ‘business’ contract in your hands. Ask her to sign this agreement in which you are paid a salary or tell her to find a new caregiver and friend.
Forget your living arrangements. She isn’t offering her home to you out of the kindness of her heart.
She offered you a room and board because it is convenient for her to have a caregiver at her beckoning call.
Who took care of her before you took this on? Did they have issues as well? Do you see a pattern developing here? Does she take everyone for granted like she is doing with you?
I think I would rather sleep in a homeless shelter than in this woman’s house, even my car or a park bench!
Your self worth has deteriorated because of her influence and behavior.
Your judgment became clouded on this situation and hopefully when you read these posts you will see that she is absolutely being unfair to you.
You deserve better! Transitional times are always difficult. Take the first step. You will get through this. You will look back and see how irrational this situation was.
Good luck and let us know how you are doing.
Assuming she pays for any/all expenses and you have no income - Add up all of the bills that she pays for this household for things that you benefit from as well: food, tv, internet, phone(s), use of car/gas, etc. Let's say those things cost another $700 per month out of her pocket. Now you are getting $400 in rent + $350 in other benefit by living with her, total of $750 per month in benefit by living there. Divide that number by 4.33 (number of weeks in a month) to get your hourly wage or worth. $750/4.33=173.21 per week. If she considers you on call for 24 hours a day, then you work 168 hours per week. So you make $1.03 an hour.
Pretty sure if there had been any programs available to her, she would have already been on them getting her care. Thus the need for her to need your help. (And sounds to me like you needed her offer of housing/bills paid or you would not have moved in without a rent agreement) You cannot apply for a programs to pay for her care. She has to do that. I've never heard of any programs that would pay for 24/7 care for her. When you need that much care, you find someone to help you out (such as your arrangement), you are wealthy enough to pay for in home care, or you end up in a nursing home type facility.
In home care is very expensive and doubt you'll find anyone person to do it, More than likely would be 3 shifts per day and definitely not less than 10 per hour. That's $250 per 24 hr period. A monthly rate of over $7 grand a month (and my estimate is probably waaaay too low in most areas). Even if she deducted what she gives you (rent/etc) she clearly doesn't have that kind of money to pay you for an hourly wage.
If you are no longer able or have the desire to honor your original agreement with her, then give her a 30 day notice that you will be leaving and find your own place to live. If you needed a place to go and she needed help, maybe it sounded like a good deal for both of you initially. Time to move on. Tell her you need to find a job to earn money.
To give you an idea, the least expensive 24 7 Care Live In I could find was $500 a week with one weekend off a month.
So, if you actually get to sleep thru the night and basically only care for her 12 hrs a day then she should be paying you $500 a week with 1 Day a week off, plus your Room and Board (Food).
Of course, she wouldn't be able to pay you that much because she doesn't have the money to do so but she should deffiently pay you
$1,000 a month plus your room and board.
If she doesn't want to pay you that you should just look for a live in job taking care of someone else for more than twice that amount.
Some people will expect too much from the friend or family member and want to take advantage of someone who is vulnerable.
Or the other person assumes a salary will be paid and fails to discuss it. Big mistake! I bet some people do agree on a salary and the other person doesn’t uphold their end of the deal.
Everything needs to be put on the table before accepting a job and agreed upon by both parties. Room and board is not a salary! I feel it absolutely has to be done with a contract. That way grievances can be dealt with in a straightforward way. It’s a mess without clear details.
If the shoe was on the other foot I guarantee that they would not want to work and not get paid a salary.
Nobody is forcing you to stay there, and remember she can kick you out anytime she feels like it so I would be looking for my own place and get a paying job if I were you
start looking for a new place to live. It is ok. Just tell her, honestly... It is too much.
Emotionally, physically, mentally, monetarily, it is exhausting. You are just not able to do this anymore. Tell her you are sorry.... You love her, but you are not up for doing this anymore.
Honestly, she may be better in a facility or somewhere, where there are more qualified staff to help her...