I never had a good relationship with my mother. She emotionally and physically abused me as a child. I mostly ignored her and went about my life as soon as I was old enough to realize something was wrong with her and heavily relied on other family and friends for support. I moved out as soon as I financially could and have kept a very distant relationship with her until my dad died. Although my dad was mostly absent as a child, he tried to right his wrongs and we forged a very close relationship once I was an adult. But as a result of her narcissistic disorder and how she treated me I have suffered from depression and anxiety and have had extensive therapy to resolve my conflicted feelings. Fast forward to January of this year, her aggressive and abusive behavior escalated because of Dementia. I knew it was bad for my dad so I took FMLA to stay with them until I could find a suitable aid to assist. Unfortunately my dad could no longer take her abuse and he committed suicide at 80. I am totally heart broken and torn apart over his death. We had taken some steps toward planning for the future prior to his death and as a result I am her POA and healthcare proxy now.
I put my career on hold and moved in with her. The abuse I endure every day is wearing me down. I thought I' had resolved all these feelings from my childhood but they have resurfaced. And I am really angry at her for my dads death. I have an aid that comes in 2-3 times a week to relieve me but even if Im out she's constantly asking the aid to call me. I'm waiting for Medicaid to kick in and as soon as it does, I'm out of here. I have no kids, no husband. Just me. Its easy to say I'll leave but when I see her lost and confused, my heart breaks. How do I get over this guilt?
i am sorry about your dads passing.
So what's the answer? While you're out and about with the aid caring for your mother, turn your phone off. You are INCOMMUNICADO when not at home, period, so let the aid know that right away. If you don't find some quiet time for yourself between now and when you leave her home, your anxiety and depression will only worsen.
It's time to think about YOURSELF now, my friend. It's okay to do that. Your mother has destroyed enough lives already, don't you think? You deserve a fresh start and a new life without constant abuse; we all do. Make plans to move out the MINUTE Medicaid comes through, and don't chicken out! You can check in on her as you wish, by phone preferably, and get on with the business of living your life in PEACE.
Enough is enough.
Best of luck!
You are in what is called FOG...Fear leads to..Obligation..which leads to...Guilt!
Break the cycle, no need for you to put yourself under any additional stress.