My abusive mother has been living in the hospital since she was declared incompetent over 2 months ago. I said no to being her guardian ( felt guilty) because she’s too destructive & hasn’t changed. I agreed to be her decision maker until they find a guardian & an AL.
I know I made the right decision because she claims the hospital was sending a lawyer to my house & I don’t care about her. I know she’s lying & thinks this role = I’ve resumed being her doormat. When she calls, she fake cries, only talks about herself, tells me the hospital is starving her, she’s dying, etc. She even called the police on the hospital x2 & I was called by a state SW who closed her case. It’s been a mess. I’m doing my best to assure she goes to a safe/stable place, until the process is over,It’s just taking a long time.
The good that came from this is I began reading books for adult children of Borderlines & Narcissists.
I realized, I’m in another caretaking situation with an elderly family friend, I’ve known since I was 2.
It's a long story but I hadn’t seen him in years & he was living in filth & squalor. He was my dad’s closest friend( my dad passed @ 54 & 360 the opposite of my mother & the best dad ever! ) I felt I had to help him because of his connection to my father. I moved from Ca to Wa to help him. I’m amicably separated from my husband & thought this was a good idea being we never stopped seeing each other & didn’t know how it felt to be apart.
Moving forward, S( elder person) hadn’t cleaned or maintained his house x14 yrs.
I know he was embarrassed & I felt for him. I didn’t know how bad things were until I woke up out in head to toe hives. However, I did a great job cleaning & decorating his house. He literally had pathways of boxes leading to the kitchen, etc. When I left to fly to Ca for a few days, my symptoms resolved but returned when I went back.
I remember apologizing to S for having to see me look so scary( my hives) & he replied are you joking, this is all my fault.
Which was sweet & I felt sorry for him feeling guilty.
However, the tables slowly turned after that & this person I trusted began acting differently. I knew he had repressed anger towards his father so I didn’t take it personally when he yelled as if I was his father & asked where was I during Vietnam & what did I do for my country. I wasn’t born & he’s the same age as my mother.
My illness got worse & he denied truths about his house, telling me I’m lying, confused, don’t remember, etc.. I became $ dependent on him & stuck. He accused me of trying to humiliate him if I want to tell someone to get help. When I told him I told a friend, he said I thought u had no contact with anyone & was mad. I don’t know what I’m afraid of with him or why I’m keeping his secrets. I do know it’s ruining my life. My health has problems because I inhaled mold spores & developed many hypersensitivity reactions. He tried to convince me I was always this way & I got a letter from my MD of over 20 years confirming I wasn’t & when my complaints began.
I suggested we both take lie detector tests as a solution to prove the truth but he refused.
I know he doesn’t believe I will follow through on anything that may make him look bad.
However, I’m only hurting myself. He yells & puts me down all the time & gaslights me. I feel I created a monster by letting him yell at me in the beginning & I told him my vulnerabilities. He knows my mother when I was a child & saw her crazy behavior. He knew my father couldn’t get custody because he was gay & how my dad’s biggest fear was what would happen to me if my father wasn’t alive to protect me. Yet, S said maybe it’s me & I made my mother crazy. My dad liked I had a big heart but was concerned if I encountered people like my mother. S said he was hurt my father left me everything & I was a“B”since a child. He tried to convince me my dad didn’t love me which I know is false. I can’t work because of my health & $ dependent on him. I’m stuck:(
You have already experienced abuse from your mother. The last thing that you need is more abuse!
The only solution here is to get out. I realize this is difficult for you to do considering your circumstances but even if you have to go to a woman’s shelter, do so. Explain that you are in a frightening situation and you need a temporary place to live.
Do you want to return to CA? Can you contact anyone there for help in returning? Can you look for a job where you are? Do you have any money?
I feel for you. This is a tough way to learn a lesson of not automatically jumping into an unknown situation not knowing all of the circumstances that are involved. When you do get away, don’t look back. Put this mess behind you.
This man will not be able to retain anyone else to help him. He has too many issues for anyone to deal with. He needs professional help. I don’t care if he apologizes and says things will be different, DO NOT trust him! Move forward in your life. If he tries to intimidate you, so be it. He can’t hurt you, if you walk away. You don’t even have to say goodbye. Pack your stuff and walk out!
Please consider turning your desire to help others to helping yourself - for as long as it takes to feel safe & secure. Helping others will need to wait.