Sometimes I feel like my 71 year old mother is just taking advantage of me. So let me start by saying I am a pregnant mother with 2 wonder kids and sadly I lost my job a year ago, its only my husband providing for the house and the debt we have is just overwhelming at times. Before we got into so much debt we would help my mom with money every month now that we only have one income and so many bills I can't help her. She and my dad have some money my dad works and she gets every month a social security check it's not a lot but they manage to get thru it. She sees we are currently struggling and barely making ends meet and is demanding I continue giving her money.
I feel like shes taking advantage of our situation and isnt being considerate of what we are going through. Just a month ago my bedroom furniture got termites and I have all my clothes thrown in a corner until we can afford a new one. Just today she threw a tantrum because I told her I couldn't give her any money whatsoever. She also has a spending problem and at times I see that to her its never enough even though she is managing just fine. I feel so sad and upset that she thinks we are financially doing great when in reality we are not. I have had to stop paying my credit cards just to put that money towards household needs. She has made it seem like I'm this horrible person just cause I cant help her out every month, she makes me feel like I'm this horrible daughter, I wish I could help her more financially but sadly I can't and I'm just at the point I don't even know if what I'm feeling is wrong towards her attitude. I love her dearly but I feel like I'm taking away from our own home to support her household that as of now is doing Ok. Help please some one give me advice and help me understand if how I'm feeling is wrong or right.
Everyone needs to learn to live on their own income. Throwing money at the problem is often hurting rather than helping.
There is no reason you should be giving money to your mother.
Your family's income should go to supporting your own nuclear family, and paying off your debt. Financially, it is not sustainable to support anyone else. It would serve you well to stop using credit at all, and seek credit counseling.
You can help your Mom in other ways. Try signing her up for a senior food bank.
And any other resources for low income seniors. Attend classes at the senior center to learn how to improve her spending habits.
No guilt, no shame. Almost everyone goes through difficulty with finances over their lifetime. If she has debt, help her sign up for credit counseling. Maybe finding more affordable housing for her would help.
Look at your own debt as a challenge and a time to learn for the future.
It can be done. It makes no sense to be giving money away by charging on a credit card.
You keep coming back, people here can tell you how to say NO. If Mom persists in this towards you, you may need to learn about narcissists and how to say NO to them.
My husband and I no longer spend money on gifts. We had such a low income, my generous brother would send $100 for holidays and gifts. I asked him to stop sending money. We never go hungry.
If you are going backwards to supporting the generation BEFORE you then you are robbing your family and that's a grave concern. Your parents may not have saved enough for their age, and that is sad and that is a hard thing, and often it is honestly no fault of their own. However it CERTAINLY is not YOUR fault, not is it for you to fix.
They must now get by the best they can. If you are able, then a few bags of groceries when you go to a Costco or Big Lots or Walmart would be great. It would be a kind thing. It would be a gift. It would be wonderful. BUT if you are not able to, if it is robbing YOUR family of their ability to survive and to save for necessities, then it is not something you should do.
Our inadequacies to make life perfect for all involved with us, to make it certain and without any concerns, lays heavy on all our shoulders. But not everything can be fixed, not everything can be made right, and it comes down to priorities. I am sorry as I can be that your Mom doesn't have all she feels she must have. But I am just a tiny ticked that she thinks that you should take from your own family to support her.
There is a story out there about an eagle that carries its babies to safety over floods and stormy seas. "When I am old and weak, says the eagle, and you have a family of your own, will you promise to carry me to safety in just this way?" and the baby eagle responds : "Yes, Dad, I will".
The eagle promptly drops the baby into the raging waters.
Because it's a wrong answer.
The baby eagle should have said "I will carry my babies to safety, father, just as you now carry me. And if there is anything left in my wings I will come back to rescue you as well".
So, like the eagles, know your priority. I will not say that it doesn't/won't/shouldn't HURT that you cannot have plenty for all. It shows your good heart that it DOES hurt you so. That's OK. You can shoulder the hurt, and you can go on. Life can be very tough.
Tell your Mom that you love her. That you wish you had more than love to give her now, but you do not. I am so sorry for your pain. But be the Eagle mother. You are responsible to carry your babies to safety. It is CLEAR to me that if there is anything left in your wings you will come back for Mom. And she will likely crab at you all away across the raging waters.
The purpose of your life is not to fund your mother's compulsive shopping addiction. What a shame your mother is taking such advantage of you.
Let her know the gravy train has dried up. Permanently.
Best of luck!
"Mum, I am sorry abut now that I am not working I cannot give you money."
Repeat as needed.
If she rants and raves, leave, hang up the phone etc. You do not standby and take the abuse.
For some of us it is easier to day no to our parents than for others, but there is no rule that you cannot say no to your mother.
There is no rule that you have to take her abuse.
You can say, Mum I would love to meet you for coffee, but if you start asking me for money I am leaving. Do not offer her a ride to the coffee shop.
I suggest you go to the bank and ask about consolidating you debt. This will give u one payment to the bank. Hopefully, u aren't still charging. You will need somekind of job to catch up. Your salary going towards the debt.
Tell her that you must take care of your family and she will have to figure it out.
She may get mad but you will feel better knowing that she will no longer be a burden on you financially. You don’t deserve that.
And please heed the advise of others....talk with a professional to get your loan debt under control.