How can I get my husband to understand my desire to want to help my Mom and how can I better understand his perspective not to? The time has come where my Mom, my only parent, needs help after suffering a stroke and I want to help and am able to financially- she doesn't live in my state otherwise I would just help personally. However, my husband is refusing since we have combined accounts which I don't understand when we both make over six figures and she struggles to take care of herself physically and now lives on less than 1/4 a month of what we make and her bills are more than that. Yet, here we are going out to expensive dinners, parties, fancy trips, and even most recently helping pay for his parents to join us - which I have no problem doing as he wants to make their life easier financial. I even offered to give up something in exchange to help her. Nope. So how is my Mom's situation any different? Well, apparently his parents have done and do so much for us- a lot financially in past - the wedding, expensive presents, and are handy around the house. My Mom not as much financial as she doesn't have it. For me though, she has done a lot - she raised me by herself, she has given us gifts (not as expensive) but still tries. I just don't know how to get him to understand and I don't how to understand him. Any advise would be appreciated.
You write that you make over six figures - it sounds like you don’t let anyone control you in the workplace.
You will do what is most important to you.
I do agree with the others in that you need to go visit mom, have a look at her spending habits and income, and set up a budget for her. As far as hubby is concerned, if you've allowed him to be in charge of your finances and financial decisions, NOW is the time to change all of that. Everyone needs some money of their own that nobody else has any control over. Just as HE has the right to treat his parents to certain extras, YOU have the same right to treat your mom to those extras. Those extras are not earned on a tit-for-tat basis, but doled out as you each see fit.
Perhaps you could pay for someone to clean her home and spend time with her for a few hours once or twice a week.
Now is about the time I would start going over all the expenses that involved, his parents on your trips, his buddies, golf outings, gifts purchased for his parents compare to what he paid for your Mother. How about your cars? Who has the most expensive/impressive one?
Do you live in Common property State or Community property. 99.9% chance it's Common, so I'd start looking to see whose name is on all the titles and deeds because if everything is in your husband's name....you're screwed.
Tall with HR and put money into an account UNDER YOUR NAME so you can take YOUR money to help your Mom. Make sure you tell him you would like 50% of the money spent on his parents that is above and beyond what has been spent on your Mother to make things even.
After all, common property which includes co-mingled funds under both names means you get a voice and you what your common property dollars to help your Mother. THINGS MUST BE "COMMON" FOR BOTH PARTIES.
If this ruffles his feathers, start looking for a divorce lawyer and pictures of everything you own as well as bank account statements.
This may be an odd question, but who actually takes care of your finances? Please tell me he doesn't or if he does, it's only because using the computer and making sure the checkbook balances yadda yadda is just too much for you. If that's his answer, follow the money.
There could be trouble in paradise and I only say this because IF MY HUSBAND were to refuse me to help my Mother, I'd drop kick him into his next life.
YOU MISSY, have every RIGHT to care for your Mother. Dang, move her in with you and hire 24/7 nurse(s) to help care for her.
Hnow dare he place you between a rock and a hard place regarding this?!
Stand up for yourself and your Mother. Talk with an elder law attorney while you're at it.
Makes me wonder what he would do for you is something happened. Put her in a home, keep her on drugs so she doesn't know what day it is or whether it's day or night while he goes on with his life.
There, I've had my say. I pray that you find your way and stop allowing your husband to abuse/bully you like this. Dang, sounds like a Hollywood movie.
There seems to be a lot more to the story of how her expenses exceed her income, and perhaps that is the reason behind your husband's reluctance to help her financially. I am in a similar situation with my FIL who is blowing through the money he saved for retirement at an eye-watering pace. If my husband asked me to help his father maintain his current lifestyle I, like your husband, would balk and tell him that we can revisit the conversation when his father cut his expenses. And it's not because I love money more than my FIL. It's because I insist on being financially prudent.
Send your mother a check and take it from there. You will at least feel as if you’ve done something to help her. I take it that her stroke made working more difficult for her, if not impossible. Who cares what hubby thinks as long as it’s something you can easily afford? You are equals.
His parents’ gifts to you were GIFTS, property given without the expectation of recompense. They saddle you with no burden unless you act as if they do.
Good luck and I hope your mom does better.
I know this goes against popular opinion but I would not be happy if my joint income was going to support someone outside of our household. My husband and I have always kept separate bank accounts. As long as he has his share of the bills covered I don't care what he does with 'his' money. Once it is in a joint account it is now 'our' money. While I might not mind a one time help I certainly would not being on board with me working to support some other family member.
In general, adults are supposed to fund their own old age. If there is truly disproportionate wealth, there can be exceptions to that rule.
Why is it that your mom can't support herself?
I like the way you think!
After all of the previous advice presented here, it still concerns me that you may be in an abusive relationship, not necessarily physically abusive but mentally, and thus following through on some well-meaning suggestions here may invoke your husband's ire. His not "understanding," as you say, that you want to help your mom when he willingly helps his parents is such a red flag to me, if what you say about him (very limited info) is true. Why don't you "understand" why you have a combined account? Has there never been a discussion of why? Have you overspent irresponsibly on an agreed-upon budget area and he needed to pull in the reins to protect your finances? I don't wish it to sound like it's all your fault that your husband is limiting your spending, especially when you say he is unwilling to allow you to "help" your mom, if that's really the case.
Your mom lives in another state, had a stroke, "needs help" with her living and financial situation.
Does it upset your husband that you want to spend time with her? I'm wondering if you truly understand the state of mom's finances, or do you just "know" from what she tells you. Do you have freedom to travel to spend time with her delving in depth into her financial situation?
In my opinion, there's so much we just don't know here about your marriage relationship, your finances, and your mom's situation to give you truly helpful advice. Do you feel comfortable giving us more details?
I'm most concerned about the lack of connection this situation is revealing. This is important to you, and he is treating it like it is not important. I would hope he would be willing to go to counseling with you, but at the very least, if he won't go, you can at least seek counseling for yourself. If you don't have someone in mind, friends have told me 1-800-newlife is a good starting place for a listening ear and to get names/numbers of good counselors.
He needs to adjust to the equality in your relationship. Make appt. with a counselor if you feel the need for understanding and support.
You have mine!
Husband would buy expensive meals, gifts, trips, Christmas and Birthday gifts
for his parents. But not for my mom.
Even if she was visiting during holidays
and birthdays.
I never did find a reason for his controlling behavior.
There is a resource called Hope for the
heart. (A series of well-written books)
the author will help you see your side.
Also what to do!
Who is handling your Mom's finances?
I would take a good look at why her income will not cover her bills.
If she is over spending and in credit card debt I might see why your husband is against helping her financially. Helping will keep you treading water not going for the dry land.
If she is not over spending but household bills are more than she can handle it might be time to "down size". This might be your opportunity to help her move closer to you.
You can look into Assisted Living or Senior housing if she can or will be able to live on her own.
Now...YOUR finances.
I hope you know ALL the accounts that are in both you and your husbands names. I hope he does not have a "secret" account(s)
Open an account in your name alone. Take a portion of your pay and place it in that account. A joint account should be for household bills the "Have to's" A personal account can be for the "Wants"
Just wondering do you have access to the account you currently have or does he have to write the check or authorize a withdrawal? If he has to authorize that is a HUGE red flag.
And if you do not have a credit card in your name alone get one. You need to have a credit history.