My mother is mentally unstable, has been for many years. She has cut off her entire family for decades now. Back in the late 1990s she asked to come and live with me and my then boyfriend. It was his townhouse and I felt very uncomfortable with that situation because her paranoia and overall demeanor just creates tension. As a matter of fact, I had moved in with him to get away from HER because the tension in the house (it was my grandmother's house) was actually making me physically ill.
I said no, but found an apartment for her not far from where I lived, paid 3 months of rent & furnished it. From there she moved into a hotel where she stayed for several years.
In 2004, boyfriend had become husband and we had our first child and soon after coming to visit us, my mother stopped speaking to me entirely, because she had discovered that I was still in contact with the rest of the family. She ignored my calls and letters, and eventually wrote me a nasty letter letting me know that I had "betrayed" her. So we had no contact until 2008, when I let her know I had discovered my father had died (also estranged) and that by the way, she also now had a grandson.
After that, I really did not hear her again for several years, until maybe the last year or so. Many of those calls have been repeated requests to move in with me. I am not heartless, but I do have a small house and we do not have room. We are also on one income. I also let her know that although I wanted to help her, that would need to include her getting medical care. I asked about her situation and she brushed off my questions or just didn't answer, saying she is fine.
She has changed housing frequently and often asks me for money. I sent what I could but also looked into local food & housing help for seniors, got as much information as possible, and passed it on to her, saying she needed to follow through with those people. She said she called some people and got some help in some areas but none in others. That was about a year ago.
It became clear to me recently that her memory is declining. She emailed me last week saying she had called me several times and the # was disconnected. She was calling a landline that I haven't had for about 15 years, rather than the cellphone I've had for over 20 years and that she has used before. I told her last week to erase that old number, and just use the cell phone.
Today she called me on my cellphone saying she is so confused because she's tried to call me so many times but the # says it is disconnected. This is the landline # we just discussed last week. Also concerning (but not new) is that this inability to reach me on a number I told her is no longer mine, she takes as evidence of some "odd conspiracies."
More concerning, however, was the rest of her message this morning, saying that she was leaving her residence at that moment as she no longer had money for rent and was on her way to my house but had no money to get here so could I please send her money.
I am scrambling trying to figure this out. I don't even know if she remembers where I live. I've repeatedly told her we have no space, my own medical concerns to deal with, and am not equipped to give her the proper care she needs, which I'm not even sure what that IS since she is very evasive. I've told her in the past I would do my best to help her find the right living situation, but I also know she has zero savings and her social security is very small because of her working history. We are on a one-income household in here and I have no idea what to do. I don't want her to be homeless, but it's hard to take care of someone who only wants the help THEY want (money and shelter) while refusing the other things they clearly need, and when I also don't have the financial resources. I also don't have a lot of information about her because we were out of touch for so long and she just dodges the questions that are important. I don't know what to do.
You can see what resources are available for you to gather information that you can pass on to her. You may choose to put her up in a hotel temporarily if you are so inclined and can afford to, while you figure out what resources she can get in touch with. However if she doesn't want the proper help there's nothing you can do.
My note on there being nothing you can do is to not fight against your helplessness in this situation. Try and embrace it as the blessing it is, which is that when there's nothing you can do to help that means nobody (with any sense) is expecting you to fix her situation. It does add further misery and guilt when an always problematic loved on is experiencing a real hardship like failing memory, I get that and I'm in that situation myself right now.
Maybe make an appointment with an elder care specialty attorney so they can tell you exactly what you may be able to help with, but more importantly exactly how many things you just don't have the power to do. It may help you to both focus your efforts and release some of your guilt. I know people will come along with more complete answers but I wanted you to know you're not alone in this.
If you report your mother to APS for assessment there is a chance that she will go for diagnosis. If her problems are mental there will be choices available to her, choices that the mentally ill sometimes do not avail themselves of. However, neither the state nor YOU can help your Mom if she refuses the help. And if she is incompetent due to dementia the State will take on guardianship and place her.
I would like you to sit with your family and discuss what honestly you can do that WOULD help your Mom. I doubt there is anything. And using the money you need for yourselves, your children and their education, your own lives when you are aged, would be a dreadful dreadful mistake.
I think that therapy would help you comb out what realistically you can do. Time should have taught this lesson but our hopes, our dreams, our magical thinking dies hard.
Please don't sacrifice your life and the lives of your family for something that almost certainly cannot be changed.
I am so sorry. This will cause you grief that you will want to change to the other g-word, which is guilt. But this is no one's fault, and certainly not yours, and there are things that cannot be fixed, that can only be grieved. And is this not worth grief? It is! What it is NOT WORTH is the sacrifice of the family you love. Or of your own life.
It's natural to want to help the woman, she's your mother. It's also natural to feel grief AND guilt b/c she's in dire straits, it sounds like. Where will she go, what will she do, what will become of her? These are natural questions for you to worry over and to try and figure out for her. If I were in your shoes, I would be feeling torn up inside as well.
I think you've been given sound advice insofar as getting APS involved goes. Having the state take over guardianship of her and get her placed somewhere would be the safest course of action since dementia is involved. If she does show up at your door, you can call 911 and have her transported to the hospital for a psych evaluation, perhaps, IF she's willing to go. Again, a lot depends on HER willingness to be compliant. If she fights it, putting her up in a hotel/motel is another thought while you try to get the state involved, I guess.
I personally think she'll land on her feet somewhere else and you'll hear from her when she does, that she won't show up at your door with a bag asking to stay. Let's hope. I also hope, for her sake, that she gets some medical help along her journey and that she stays safe.
I wish you the best of luck looking after yourself and your family, and not ruining your own health over this difficult situation with your mother.
Please stop sending her money or helping her directly. If you do, this is called enabling. Tell her to contact social services or to go to a shelter. If she calls you for money that's a hard "no", but ask where she is and direct her to a shelter or church.
Honestly she sounds like she has a substance abuse problem. And you have an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with her. You don't have to give her a reason why she can't stay with you. "No" is a sufficient reason, because if you start giving reasons this opens it up for negotiation. No one can negotiate or ague against plain old "no".
Perhaps you should consider a session or 2 with a therapist who will help you navigate this terrain, help you identify and defend boundaries and see that your immediate family (spouse and child) are #1 priority and they need to be protected against her. At this point if she does show up and seems confused call 911 -- it may be your best strategy.
You're not responsible for your mother's happiness and never were. She was not there for you, and is a destructive force in your life. That has not changed. There will be drama, but will be so much worse if you let her in. There are solutions, they will just feel hard at first (and she won't like them). Move onward and upward.
The instability & estrangement that your Mom has been dealing with is very unfortunate & must be exhausting for her. Factors of mental health often underpin & influence lifestyle choices. Maybe substance abuse is in the mix too? Or Autism, OCD or a personality disorder? Many older folk never got a diagnosis - a 'label'. (Neurodiveristy is a newer buzz word my daughter prefers to stigma inducing labels like BPD). It is frustrating & sad when people can't seem to access the help that is presented to them 😞
But reading your post, it seems you found how to handle this hard situation yourself. By having good boundaries & building your own family.
What you have done before worked, so I'd suggest keeping that up.
Decline to 'rescue' Mom with providing your home or cash. But point her towards the agencies & services that can help her. She then has the dignity to choose for herself whether to use that help. Now if cognitive decline/dementia is in play, she may have lost judgement & will require a needs assessment & possibly Guardianship.
For now, I hope Mom is found & safe. A fall or other misadventure may get her to an ER (sooner than later). From there possibly a psych stay & hopefully a full workup. IF she has no safe discharge destination & lacks the cooperation of cognition needed to work towards one, the hospital may need to apply for emergency guardianship.
IF this is needed & you would consider becoming her legal guardian yourself, please seek legal advice first.
(My situation differs but I was advised not to become the legal guardian, to let the court appoint a temporary one. To stay put in the relative role instead. Reason was given to avoid longer term damage to the relationship. Me forcing her etc. It hasn't come to that yet - I will get more advice if/when it does).
My last thought is this; I see some folk as fragile birds, tossed around in the winds of life. If she can no longer fly well, may your Mom find a safe place to land.
You do not have to take this all on yourself. It's natural to want to help, and many places will assume that you will take responsibility for her, but think about it: not everyone has a caring child to help them, and the state has ways to help them, as well. The state/medical system just needs to be engaged in "this person has no one to care for them" mode rather than "this person's family is going to care for them" mode.
If your mom comes to you and you can get her to agree to be evaluated, consider perhaps helping her check herself into the hospital. If she has some other physical issue, then this can sometimes help get agreement without hitting the wall of mental health stigma - "are you willing to go in and have your heart/diabetes/hurt foot checked out? [then have side discussion with ER staff that she is also confused and that you suspect dementia or untreated/undertreated mental health issues]". This will then make her the hospital's responsibility for awhile: to keep her in one place, to evaluate her for all issues you've mentioned, and to assess whether she's safe to release on her own recognizance.
Once they are ready to release her, then your boundary-setting will need to kick in. They will no doubt call you with the assumption that you will come and get her. At that point, you can say, "She lives alone/does not have a place to stay. She cannot stay with me. I cannot care for her and cannot take responsibility for her." Repeat as needed and do not go pick her up, as that will then make her YOUR problem, and that's not what you want: you want the HOSPITAL to either A) state that she's safe to make her own decisions (in which case...she's back where she started and yes, that might mean you need to make some more decisions about stopgap help until she can be connected with something like county agency on aging to help her get housing) or B) determine that she's not safe to release on her own. STICK TO YOUR GUNS. If the hospital determines (B), then not having anyone to release her to will make the hospital (likely a case worker, who you should be very nice to, as they can do in hours what might take you days/weeks/months) need to find a safe place for her to stay, like a nursing home or rehab place. If the hospital determines she's not safe to live alone, then they cannot release her to an unsafe environment, so they will care for her in the meantime until they find somewhere safe she can stay.
While she is in one place, also ask that her case worker connect her with her county agency on aging/aging office, and mention all her issues with housing/finances/etc. That hopefully will get her an aging agency case worker who can get her help more holistically once the hospital stay is over and can help with the state taking over guardianship of her, if that's deemed needed.
You're doing fine. Deep breath. Good luck.
I think wether she shows up or calls again looking for housing and financial assistance you need to guide your response away from “let me see what I can scrape together” and thought away from how do I say no and live with myself to “I would be happy to help you access the help you need” knowing that this is all you can do and really better for her than you giving her money or setting her up for failure anyway, this is the best most loving thing you can do. You might even start some of the ground work now in preparation. You have a general estimation of her financial situation and her age, that at least should enable you to go to your state website (I’m assuming she is living in the same state but I don’t know that so maybe both if your in diffrent states) and see what programs exist, see what emergency assistance there might be too. The other thing to remember is if you take her in even as a temporary thing she now has a place to go and won’t qualify to say have a hotel room paid for or get into some other emergency housing, her age should move her further up the list and maybe open more options to her but again, only if she doesn’t have a roof over her head. Maybe she qualifies for a hospital stay in one way or another and could be enlightened to the fact that that might give her more options, expedite things and get professional help.
Unfortunately if she refuses to participate in any of these efforts or even talk to you unless you let her live with you or set her up in another apartment there probably isn’t much you can do, she isn’t allowing it. You don’t have any legal standing to help her in any other way unless you wanted to get guardianship and I’m sure that a road you want to go down in this case or afford since it isn’t cheap or easy. If you suspect mental issues and I wouldn’t be surprised if she has had those issues for a very long time, well before dementia possibility or that she is a danger to herself and health the hardest but most responsible thing to do if she won’t cooperate is report her to social services and let them take over. The state/court will likely appoint a guardian, unrelated which is probably best and you can maintain contact and as much of a relationship as she will let you but don’t allow anyone to “guilt” you into anything here, not even yourself.
You are not responsible for your mothers problems you love her and are willing to help her with them as best you can. That means limits and there is no shame in knowing your limits or protecting your heart and your family.
Do not give her money since you are not sure how she spends it. Give her things - food, clothing, gas in her car... - but make sure your husband is in agreement with you about how much charity to extend. I agree that she should not live with you.
There's an old saying. "Beggars can't be choosers". If your mother will only accept help on her terms (money and living with you), then cut her loose. You don't need her in your life.
Make a phone call to APS and let them take it from there. She will likely become a ward of the state.
Don't take responsibility for her.
I'm sorry. It's incredibly cruel that children of abusive parents, once they've escaped and built lives for themselves and have finally carved out a bit of happiness, are thrown right back in it at a certain point.