Husband has not been formally diagnosed with dementia, however I’ve worked in the healthcare field for over 30 years and know the signs. Mother has been diagnosed professionally. Husband is always angry with me over just about anything. Constantly throwing me out of the house. Wanting to end a 34 plus year marriage. He’s always had a temper but it’s gotten progressively worse. Mother makes things up. She then believes them in her mind. She too has a nasty temper, but it’s controlled with medicine. I’m lost and have no one to confide with.
Your husband and marriage is the priority. If your mom is living with you, or you are her primary caregiver, you will need to figure out if this responsibility can be reassigned to someone else, or she can be transitioned into a care community. More details about this situation would be helpful.
Diagnosing the cause of your husband's behavior is a priority. You cannot assume it's dementia, so things like a brain tumor should be ruled out. Have you tried approaching your husband from the angle of "I see a distinct change in your behavior and I'm really concerned for you. I think we should consult a doctor to figure out what is because it's probably treatable." Can a friend or neighbor be enlisted to support your claim about his behavior? It would be harder to argue against a neutral 3rd party. Have you searched his car, gym bag or belongings to see if he has a secret substance abuse problem? If he was ever prescribed opioids it isn't a far-fetched possibility.
If he isn't having memory issues I don't think a typical simple cognitive test by his primary doctor will suffice but maybe he'll have to start there. You can try a "therapeutic fib" to get him an appointment (Medicare now requires an annual physical) then go with him with a pre-written note outlining your concerns and asking for that test and any other (for UTI?). While at the clinic ask the check-in rep for the HIPPA Medical Representative form and try to get him to put you as his MR. This will allow you to speak to his doctor about him without him needing to be present/involved.
Are you your husband's DPoA? If not, you may want to do what you can to help him create this authority. You can do yours at the same time, make him your PoA (so that he doesn't get suspicious) and then rip it up or revoke from him. Whatever it takes.
Has he put his hands on you in anger or made verbal threats? You will need to weigh whether to call 911 -- it could result in him being removed from your home for your safety. If he isn't removed he will come back into the home angrier than ever. Do you have a friend that can be your safe house should this happen?
Did your husband play sports in his youth or ever have a concussion or head injury? It could be CTE, but there's no way to truly diagnose it without an autopsy.
I realize your original question is about wanting ways to "cope" but eventually coping won't suffice if he has something like CTE. All of this is difficult, so I'm not saying any of it flippantly. You may want to talk to an elder law/estate planning attorney just to know what financial impact may be in store if he follows through with ending your marriage. You also may want to talk to a therapist who can help you navigate boundaries and provide resources in critical situations. Again, I'm so very sorry and hoping others on this forum who've been through this can provide more helpful insights. Peace to you!
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